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Including my mom at birthday gatherings for my children is something I truly regret doing. She would always have to make the day about herself. Not loudly, but quietly sitting not saying a word with a sullen and pitiful look on her face. She was not ill just a stinker dampening the joy of the day. My children love their Grandma, but still remember how she acted up even now that they in their mid 30’s. A sad memory I wish they didn’t have. A memory I wish I didn’t have either as I feel resentment of the stolen joy.
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Can there be a compromise? She clearly can’t go out and be a safety risk, but she could be included for ice cream and cake, perhaps. You need to find a way to do right by your children but still keep MIL involved in ways she can enjoy and be safe.
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My mother is gone now. This is the first Holiday season without her and even though the memories are not good ones of her last days, I can also recall the joy we shared throughout the years. We always included her in a limited way in our family activities providing her a place where she could see what was going on but felt like she could withdraw if it got too much for her. I agree with the others. Give the children their due...but also remember to set a good example of how to be inclusive and caring of others. Often, children can be selfish and reminding them that 'Grandma' is sick and explaining what dementia is to them and how it works is not a bad thing. We did it with our grandchildren and it really helped. I told them that Great Grandma's brain was sick and it made her cranky and tired. It made her do and say thngs that she didn't mean. Then we discussed how that same thing happens to the children when they are tired or hurt. It brought things into perspective and they were less frightened by their Great Grandma's behavior. When we did need to do some family activity that was too stressful on Mom we would have a caregiver stay with her and then show her pictures later.
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SicilianLady1 Dec 2019
Your answer is the best of all of the posts I've read. Giving the children their due but remembering to set a good example of being inclusive and caring is good.
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You state in your profile you are also caring for your mother that has dementia. Is she living with you as well or is she still in her own home?
Is MIL living with you as well?
Has your MIL been diagnosed with dementia of any type?
If your MIL has dementia large gatherings can be confusing, frightening and you would expect the reaction that you have been getting.
I would keep gatherings to a minimum.
If you have to go out with the family to a party I suggest having someone that she knows and likes to come in and stay with her. She should not be left alone. If you want family to visit I also suggest small groups of people at a time and if possible over the course of a day or two.
It also sounds like there is a potential for your MIL to wander so she should not be left alone and start looking for a way that will make it easier to track her if she does wander off.
And if MIL is living with you permanently and has been diagnosed with dementia are you prepared to become a full time caregiver for her as well as dealing with your mother? Not clear where your mother is living if it is with you or in her own home but time will come where she also can not be left alone.
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I would cry too if I had to go trick or treating with my stiff joints.
No, seriously.
There are times when I involve my mother and times when it's best that she stay home.
Bless you for trying to do the right thing. If she's living with you, she must have some social security. Use that for a caregiver who can sit with her while you and the children out for a few hours.
Arrange for her to be out of the house during birthday parties. It sounds like it's too much stimulation. But get a professional opinion.
It will make EVERYONE happy.
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Missing information: does MIL live with you permanently? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? It sounds like this isn't optimal and other arrangements should be made -- an assisted living facility perhaps?
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When you include your MIL in important family events I agree with doing it in a controlled environment like her home or where ever she lives. My mom had memory loss and we stayed with her most of the time but she was in her own home. Do you want to teach your children that people have worth even when they get old and unable to care for themselves? This is a way to teach them compassion and to set a good example of how to love even when it takes more time. You can tell them that Grandma doesn't really know what she's doing so we have to help look out for her. You can make the events shorter but try to include her and take pictures for the children to remember Grandma. Including her in every event is not necessary if she doesn't really remember but do include her in some. Maybe even a regular visit with every one would work. Leave the cake, etc., for later. I would never have excluded my mom from the family gatherings even though she didn't remember it in a few hours. I could go on and on but I'll tell you that I do not regret the time it took to care for and love on my mom. She's gone now but I miss her sweet smile every day. If you have anyone that can help you let them know that you need help. God bless you and your family.
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Folks with dementia -- Alzheimers or most of the others -- thrive on routine and are often disoriented by being out in the neighborhood, with new people, or experiencing new things. That is to say, most of the activities that many children enjoy ... just don't work for people with dementia. What really works for them is to see the same few familiar places -- that is, their bedroom, the table where they eat, the chair where they sit to watch TV or stare out the window. Very few places, always the same ones.

When I worked in the inpatient facility, our residents were still able to carry on conversations (though they didn't always make sense), were still able to engage in some part of various familiar tasks. But any change at all in their routine always set off some sort of upset.

I would 'include' your MIL in brief family gatherings -- say, half an hour in a familiar living room to celebrate a holiday with some ONE activity. And then leave MIL with a caregiver and take the rest of the family for the 'outing' part of the holiday celebration.

I'm so sorry it's being this hard.
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Snevetsg57 Dec 2019
I agree with this response 100%
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Me thinkist that you are trying too hard and too involved. You do not know your MIL, there are issues with her, as outlined with her relationships with her children.

Your children always come first, that is your responsibility... as a parent. Exposing them to her is a real bad idea. There is only one right...your family.

It is not your responsibility to care for her, sit down with your husband and work out a plan to have her move somewhere else. Contact your local social services and find out what is available for her.

She can live for another 30 years do you really want your children to be saddled by her for all those years? And what about you? Think, then think some more there is a solution and it doesn't include her living with you.
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The answer is obvious but I think you just need validation for what you already know. Your MIL is not enjoying these outings and can’t control her behavior, so no, this is not the kind of memories you want to give your children. Think back on when you were a child, and some of the unpleasant or negative memories of holidays and realize how they can be ingrained for life. Get a sitter for her, and as someone else mentioned make different celebrations with her that are low key.
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I understand the impulse to include, but doing so makes her, your kids, and you unhappy. Set aside time to have holiday moments with her away from the hustle and bustle.
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Your children come first... always!!
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That is sad. But I don't think your children should be exposed to weird scary behavior. Is she on medication? If not, maybe it would help, explain to the Doctor what she is doing. Good luck.
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I have been a "sandwich" care giver too, with responsibilities toward seniors and young children. My policy is when in doubt, the children come first.
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PowerOf3 Dec 2019
Yes I agree, it’s not fair to children to have their holidays blanketed with poor or embarrassing memories. Mine is 91 and a complaining old grinch although he insists any stipulations are “nooo problemo” till the day comes.
Well he’s had 90+ Christmas days and my son hasn’t so I refuse to let him ruin my child’s holidays and he ruins mine too. My son won’t always be excited about Christmas morning as he’s a teenager so with that being said it’s not an option to cater to an elder instead of my child. I do not want to regret my holidays with my son in 5/10/20 years because I felt bad for an elder who doesn’t care one way or another.
it was also brought to my attention when I posted “oh no the holidays are coming” that he could be getting overstimulated and uncomfortable when we’re opening presents and dancing around enjoying ourselves. I guess to me it’s a matter of memories and my LO has had a lifetime of holidays but my son has not, my child is far more important in his young life and I refuse to allow these days to be ruined. Those won’t be his or my memories, no way!!!
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Your 51 year old MIL, with whom your husband has had nothing to do for ten years, needs substantial care and support. Neither you nor your husband has any idea of what her difficulties are or what help she will need, and you have been prevented from finding out the essential information.

I understand the instinct to rescue her when she needed help and was in crisis, but this is not a care plan. You cannot have a woman with these behavioural and mental health issues living in an unfamiliar home with people, including young children, whom she just does not know.

You want to include MIL in the family; and I agree that in general it is a good thing, an enriching thing, for generations to mingle. But the truth is you don't know her and you don't know anything about her needs - how can you possibly look after her?

Your husband needs to get a grip on this. He should go back to the family members who were supposed to be taking responsibility, back to any agencies or professionals who were involved, gather what information he can, then get in touch with your area's health and social care organisations and get them involved.

God willing, and given a fair chance, your MIL will over time develop strong new relationships with her son and his family, but it can't happen overnight; and meanwhile she needs a LOT of input that you can't possibly be expected to provide.
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Children should have happy memories. How about doing something separate with MIL. The children can have the full holiday activities. And MIL has a small thing for her. This suits both of them.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Very sensible.
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I think you already know what will happen judging by what has already happened.

Snap a few pictures to share with her when you return from outings. That’s a compromise.

Obviously you want to enjoy your time with your family and that’s impossible if you are going to be concerned about a safety issue.

Hire a sitter to stay with her for when you have family activities.
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If your MIL has ALZ/dementia like stated in your profile, new surroundings, places, people can easily confuse and disturb them. She is very young at 51, so sad. Has she had an actual medical diagnosis by a specialist? She will be less and less able to be in control of her behaviors, no fault of hers, just her broken brain. It is very loving and sweet to try to continue to include her but you keep getting the same result, so, no I would not bring her along. But, if she stays home who is caring for her? Will she be alone? I hope not. Plan on small, calm celebrations with her at home before having your own kid-centered events and this may be just right. Blessings!
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