Mom is 84 and lives with us. Starting to lose words, unable to find the right word (usually a noun) and getting cranky. Lately she takes EVERYTHING personally, and thinks we believe she's "always wrong," even something that's just a different view. Typical conversation:
Mom: It's much cooler today, isn't it?
Granddaughter, age 21 and exceedingly polite and deferential to her grandmother: "Oh gosh, it feels warm to me but that's probably because I've been running around with the dogs."
Mom: <really snottily> "Oh. Well I'm wrong then. Again."
It's like this EVERY time she states an opinion. If we don't immediately and completely agree, she takes great offense and gets into a snit because "we're picking on her" and "you think I'm always wrong." Now she's taken to saying "I know!" indignantly when we tell her anything. Typical conversation:
Me: "Mom, you have a doctor's appointment on Friday at 4 pm."
Mom: "I know!"
Me: "Oh ok, well I"m just looking at my planner and thinking out loud; I got a reminder call so thought I'd just mention it."
Mom: "Yeah, I KNOW!"
This happens even when it's something I am CERTAIN she DOESN'T know, like the fact that we still have cat food on the shelf:
Mom: "We need cat food."
Me: "Hmm, I thought I bought it last time I was at the store. Let me check.... yes, there's a box of cans on the shelf."
Mom: <indignant> "I KNOW!"
HOW do I deal with this? Should we just always agree with her, no matter what? Is that a fair expectation?
What is this? Her anger is really impacting my family. We are so kind, helpful, and work so hard to reduce all stress for her, and we just get this resentment. If we moved, or she lived alone, she would not be able to live. She doesn't drive, uses a walker, and relies on us for almost everything from her laundry to her groceries to her mail to bathing. All of which we perform gladly and with a smile. It's getting so hard and I am so tired. My husband, daughter (home from college now, in the summer) are saints, but I feel badly. Daughter confided that she can't wait to go back to college, but it's her senior year, and I know she'll have to come back next May. We used to have such a happy home.
I guess I'm just venting. I feel like I have no one to bounce this off of and am really at loose ends. Thanks for listening.
I am able to let him have his way much easier, not being subjected 24/7. Unless there is danger involved, such as going the wrong way on a one way street. In these situations I just ignore him, hard to do but staying safe is the priority.
You say getting away is not possible, could your daughter give you a couple day respite before she heads back to school? A stay vacation, ice chest in bedroom, no one in the house sees you, sneak out when moms in the bathroom, that kind of thing. Make a game out of it.
I can not imagine how tired you are, caring for an adult that needs help with everything is exhausting, I believe that's why we are designed to have children when we are young. Please find a way to take care of you on this journey, she will be in trouble if something happens to you and you're not there to care for her.
I do exactly what your family is doing, and it does not work much. But I and my brother are working at our responses..trying & failing, trying and it’s working. We fail many many times as Dad really is so unhappy with his situation...but he does not wish to make any changes...so he is stuck in a rut on his own accord. He continues to vent and take it out on us. He is much better with other people. Thank God for this site and the advises from those who are going through the same things. We limit our time with visits...you are stuck when the parent resides in your own home. This site you will find will be the best place for help!
Remember, your mom is not so old or feeble that she can't be talked to like a person. Maybe your mom is tired of being "agreed" with. Maybe causing drama is entertainment. Maybe she just needs to be stood up to.
Of course, if she is suffering from dementia, I don't recommend this at all.
Just my two cents.
You are going to great lengths trying to be "nice." I hate it when people do that to me, because I feel that they are just trying to placate me without acting on MY concerns.
Especially if she has been in a position of authority in her career, she might have been suspicious of subordinates who tried that with her. So, if she's cold or wants more cat food or whatever, what does she want you to do about it? Ask her. Then respond appropriately: Pointing at thermometer, "It's 78 in here. That's what we like. You want warmer, go outside or get a sweater." "Oh, thanks, I'll put cat food on the list." Why argue about that?
I am not dismissing your concern about her cognitive abilities, and they need to be addressed by her doctor. I'm just suggesting that you try to react with less seemingly placating behavior.
You mention her good intentions to see an attorney. Get recommendations or do some research and be ready to make an appointment the next time she brings it up. Immediately. If it's after hours, make a big note on the refrigerator to call first thing in the morning, then do it. Give her an appointment card, write it on the calendar. If she starts "you're pushing me," just tell her she already has the appointment, so she may as well go see what they suggest--she doesn't have to agree with them or do anything if she doesn't want to. Then, go with her and keep your mouth shut when the attorney tells her what she needs. If you are asked for your opinion, say "It sounds like good advice to me, but it's really up to you, Mom." The attorney will tell her what happens if she doesn't have DPOA, etc., then let her decide. Don't second guess her decision because you think she's not competent to make the right one. If she's not competent to make the right decision, it's too late anyway, right?
As others have mentioned, you need a break. Why not visit your daughter's campus for Homecoming or just a fun weekend? Ask Mom what she wants to do while you're away. Staying by herself in YOUR house not being an option you are going to accept because, "I couldn't enjoy it if I was worried if you are OK." Have two or 3 options for her: in-home help, stay at a facility, whatever. She pays for it, because you can't be at her side 24/7/365; you'll be crazy.
But when it came to dealing with my own mum, all the good intentions can sometimes go out of the window.
I have learnt that it's no good correcting her when mum says something I know is completely untrue, and have to bite my tongue at times.
It's hard, especially as she has always had a bit of a nasty tongue and turn of speech.
I try to just humor her. Frequently I just take the abuse. Not sure I have a lot of suggestions to offer, but wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Your family is to be commended for all the loving and support you are
giving your mom! She is so lucky to have such a loving and patient family.
Sadly, our elderly parents with "cognitive impairments" aren't able to comprehend how their words/actions affect us, so we have to develop a "thick skin" as they say. My mom had dementia, so Dr. recommended the book, The 365 hour Day. It really became like a bible for me to understand what mom was going thru and how to deal with behaviors or things she said. Also, it's very important for you all to get some respite as well. As mentioned before, have someone come in a few hours to stay with mom, so you & hubby can go out? Maybe mom can attend a senior center or Day Care facility a few hours for peer socialization & activities?
Eventually I had to place my mom in a Care Home because despite all our efforts to make her life comfortable, happy and safe, it put a strain on our home life and we had very little peace. Mom's Dr. said we did all we could do, and it was what was best for her.
You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your mom, so you're not being selfish by any means. Your marriage is a priority! My wake up call was when my husband went to the ER with heart palpitations! I wish you all peace.
My grandma said she needed ‘new’ instant coffee because the one in the cabinet was ‘years old’. I told her no, that I had purchased it recently (it was, in fact, a brand new jar).
She gave me the evil eye and immediately began arguing that I was wrong.
I just let it go and told her I’d put in on the grocery list.
Honestly I know better than to argue with her. She gets upset because she can’t stand the thought that she doesn’t remember anymore. But sometimes I forget that we can’t have a normal conversation. And I’m dealing with someone that is more child-like every day.
It’s so much easier to just agree with our LO. Not worth the anger it brings out in them. Seems to keep the peace around my home when I follow my own advice!
If you are on this AgingCare site, give yourself a gift + watch Teepa's videos. She explains many different kinds of dementia and how a person may 'act out.'
Learning from Teepa has assisted me to:
* not take interactions personally.
* realizing the brain is not working 'right' (may get worse) and gives me emotional and psychological distance from reacting to the person (and more sense and feelings of compassion).
* You will understand vascular dementia, aphasia (and more) watching her videos - you will feel relief, through understanding.
Understanding dementia (interacting with an inflicted person) IS learning a new language with virtually no learning curve. You are thrown in a situation about 99.99% of family/care providers do not understand nor know how to deal with. Be gentle with yourself going through this -
Rule No. 1: Never argue with a person (with dementia). For you peace of mind, keep quiet and don't 'bite the bait'
Rule No. 2: Do not allow yourself to be a 'punching bag' or be verbally abused.
+ learn to walk away
+ change the subject / redirect the conversation
+ train your mind to go to 'compassion=brain doesn't work' . . . She feels FEAR and CONFUSION. She is scared and doesn't know what is happening to her.
+ Learn reflective responses, i.e., Reflect her words back to her "Oh the cat food is . . . It doesn't matter if there is cat food or not. It is learning how to keep the (potential) emotional intensity even / minimize.
You are doing this for you and your family well-being.
It is a way to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically from being (further) worn down. As you do this, you are also learning compassion as you are understanding the inflicted person cannot help what their brain is doing.
* Do nice little things for yourself and family.
* Physical exercise/movement (yoga, jogging, dance, walking) will help.
* Give hugs and loving touches (hand massage, shoulder rub) to everyone involved who wants / is receptive.
* Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the loved one who is no longer there. It is a grieving process. Letting go and being present with what (and who) is now is a constant learning curve. Gena.
Let it roll off, like water off a duck's back.