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There are programs that can help out financially with not only care, but also with things she may need to help her. We have a program here that is called IRIS. Your mother can actually set any or all of you as caregivers. She can also use the funds not only to pay you and your siblings, but also find additional ones to come into the home when you are not able to or just need a break.

If she needs certain things that are not covered by her insurance ...IRIS will help pay for it. I think it is wonderful that your siblings are all helping her. Please do not fight with them. Especially over money. Your mom loves you all and she needs you now.
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I really like the response provided by family needed. Would your Mom be okay using a life alert at night for her safety?
Could you have a combination of life alert, paid caregiver and just staying once a month? Mom would have to understand that by staying in her home, she will have to make some sacrifices, as well as her children. Whatever is decided, changes need to be made for your (all sibling) mental and physical health.
Trying to do the "right thing" is difficult. You need to be concerned about your health, as well.
Best wishes.
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LynnelT4shs Feb 2022
I also enjoyed your comment as well and if your mom is mentally competent it would be good if whatever decisions like this you make with extra caregivers or Alexa etc. that she is included in these decisions. Letting her know honestly what it is doing to all of your health and how a plan of action and schedule is needed to make things easier on everyone involved.
Because she loves you as her children she will most likely respect the decisions make with everyone’s best interest in mind.
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What if you set up Alexa in her home. This way you can talk directly to her when she needs something and "see" what she is up to. Kind of like an adult monitor. This way you can be in your home and have set times and days to be "on call" and enjoy your home life and feel like she is safe. You can peek in on her or remind her to do things as the night goes on . Maybe she is also lonely and knows this is a way to have company because she knows you care for her safety. An adult "friend" aide can stop by once every evening or 3 times a week to also help out. It could even be a young teenage companion to sit and talk with her. Perhaps someone who needs hours toward their medical hours. They could know you have the Alexa in charge and no one is strapped to doing all the work. I remember when I was 12, I would go 3 times a week to dust the lady's furniture as she was dealing with end stage breast cancer.. Was paid $4 . It was one of the best things I remember doing for someone as a teen. I think it would be wonderful to empower the young people to teach them about the elderly. And I'm sure your mom is a treasure of interesting tales and lessons.
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97yroldmom Feb 2022
Isabella4
I had a similar job when I was 8. Only mine was as an errand runner. I got off the school bus and walked to her home. Found out what she might need and ran the errands with my wagon. If she didn’t need anything, we watched a bit of tv. Very boring tv as I recall. I would braid her long white hair she wore in a coronet. She probably had to redo it when I left. She had a neighbor lady about the same age who seemed to never need her hair braided. 🤔

I think the Alexa is a great idea.
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It's normal for many elders to expect their families to give up their lives and become slaves to them in their dotage. It's also normal for family members who are not saddled with the burden of caregiving themselves to not want a penny spent on the elder's care. Every penny put towards care is one taken from future inheritance.
None of you should be taking turns staying overnight at your mother's house. Not when all of you are in your 70's.
Hire an overnight caregiver. If your mother doesn't really need care, you can hire for what is known as 'Sleep Duty'. This means the person arrives at a certain hour and really is only there so the elder isn't alone in the house. They don't actual do care. They will get up once or twice during the overnight to make sure everything is all right and to handle an emergency if something happens.
As for the one sibling who wants to be "in charge" of all the financial affairs. Well, that sibling can also be in charge of arranging your mother's overnight care and everything else concerning her.
My guess is that sibling isn't interested in any of that. Therefore they should be told to go pound sand.
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Maggie61r Feb 2022
I never knew there was such a thing as 'sleep care' until I read your reply. And it makes complete sense to have such a service.

I fully agree - CBP1975 and her siblings are not kids themselves and should be able to sit back and relax.

CBP1975, call a home health agency near you, explain your situation and find out how much this service would cost. I think it will be worth it so you & your siblings can have some peace of mind, but also live your own lives.
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Oh I get the bully of the family thing all right. Is it financially feasible to pay an aide to stay with her at night?
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I empathize with your situation. My three siblings and I (all in our 60s) also took care of my mom for over three years. She too wanted to stay in her place. We arranged to have someone with her during the day and we stayed overnight. What we did was we each took a night (M-Th). For the weekend, we alternated. Two of us would take it; one going from Friday night thru Saturday evening; the second from Saturday evening thru to Monday morning. When one of us needed a mental health day, someone would cover. It's about teamwork. For us, honestly, despite having similar problems with health and our own lives, we just tried to stay on the same page and remember what was important. It can never be about who is doing more than the other. Our mom had been devoted to us for so many years and it was now our turn to give back. She passed away two years ago at the age of 97 and not one of us has a regret about what we didn't do. We look at that time as a gift. I think that's the key isn't it. Life can be tough but it's your mom and you have to remind each other of that when you get overwhelmed (which is not unusual). It's alot but at the risk of sounding like a Hallmark it's so worth it.
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Cpb1975: You cannot nor should not continue this even though your mother expects her 70 year old adult children to accomplish the overnight caregiving. Perhaps she will have to locate facility living.
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I am so sorry for all you and your siblings are going through and especially since as you say you’re all getting older yourselves and have your own needs, One of the biggest things families need is to have a plan of action in place tailored to meet your families needs. A plan that can make assignments, weekly and daily task that if each sibling follow along can make things so much easier.

Something else that could help is having one or two additional caregivers that can come 2-3 days a week that can give all three siblings a break so that you will all know that those three days a week you can all refer to as your off days.

Even though it may require having to pay this additional caregiver it would be worth it for all three of your sanity. There are agencies that will actually pay your family to care for your Mom in her home and this money can be used to pay the extra caregiver to work those 2-3 days a week. This caregiver can also be trained to have daily task such as: light house cleaning, meal preparation and feeding, medication administration, washing clothes, dishwashing and so much more.

I hope the best for you and your siblings
Lynnel T.
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as i told another post on here - you have got to take care of you too! you need help with your mother and you are abiding by her rule that she stay in her home! i'm sure she is scared at her age to be alone! is there any other person, a neighbor, a caretaker organization, a nurse who can go stay with her and take a few nites off for you and your sibs. check into it - and please do not feel guilty you are doing the best you can and if you burn out then who will be there at all.
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I agree with others to have maybe 2 or 3 additional caregivers to stay with her. “A Place For Mom” is a good organization that can be helpful finding that type of care.
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It is time to make some hard decisions. If she has her senses, then possible live in care for the night time. Otherwise, you and your siblings will need to make a hard decision, take control of your life and do what needs to be done if she cannot stay by herself. I have had my mother for 6 months with dementia and i am worn out. I work full time and have care for her while I am at work. She is so demanding, and her age ranges from 5-10 years old. I had to child proof my entire house at 65. My sister cannot take her as she lives in a 1 bedroom and works full time also. It is hard but in order to save any sanity, I am looking to place her in a facility.
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I feel your circumstance. My mother contracted covid and lost her walking ability and personal hygiene abilities. I am the oldest and live out of state, but manage to help every two or so months for two weeks and watch her 24/7. My sister's are on their own time. She is starting to walk alittle bit with a walker with PT. The only thing we need to concentrate now is getting her potty trained but need suggestions how to go about it. It will be up to me to get her started. Help need ideas.
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
Are you serious about 'potty training' a 94 y/o elder with dementia/Parkinson's and all the other health issues your mother suffers from?!!

From your profile:
I am caring for my mother Priscilla, who is 94 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.

Your mother needs full time 24/7 care in her home now or to be placed in managed care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing (most likely she is beyond AL care) at this point. She's beyond the point where she can be taught to use the toilet and needs incontinence care and adult briefs 24/7.
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Since mom is cognizant just as she made it clear that she wanted to remain in her home but expected each sibling to spend the night with her YOU and your siblings can make it clear to her that this can not continue.
Is there one that is POA for health and financial decisions?
If so this is the one that should talk for the group. (that is if you all agree that this arrangement needs to stop.) I can not believe that you are the only one that feels this stress and wants their life back 3 years is a LONG time to be doing this.
Her options are:
* Pay to have someone come in at night so that if something happens there will be someone to help.
* Install cameras so that each one of you can check in on her and make sure everything is ok. (I think some even allow 2 way communication)
* Look into Assisted or Independent Living.
* Get one of the Alert Button necklace, watch or other device so she can call for help if it is needed.
* She can move in with one of your siblings, the one that is most willing and the one that has a house that can accommodate her. If this is done a Caregiver Contract in WRITING should be drawn up indicating what the caregiver will do, how much they will get paid (yes this person should get paid).

I think she is under a false sense of security that if she fell one of you would be able to pick her, or help her up when in reality you should still call 911 and ask for a Lift Assist and IF there are injuries a transport to the hospital.
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