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Aubrey, sibs can be a challenge as I have had with my two twisted sisters, 1 and 2. I have thrown up the white flag and cooperated with placement about a month ago now. But, they still continue with their narcissistic smear campaign against me. They will not tell me specifics of how mom is doing, I see her twice a week now, but the twisteds are now finding out first hand that things were REALLY as difficult as I had described, and have actually become worse with mom. Moves are very hard on those with dementia.

So, don't expect it to stop even if mom were placed, it will continue until after death, and probably the rest of our lives. Just know you are not alone. My personal belief when these things happen is that they hope to wear you down so you will be rid of mom one way or the other in order to relieve their guilt for not being hands on. In addition there is also an element of jealousy that you have the personality, patience and fortitude to continue in spite of the additional stress that they cause.

Best wishes to you as you continue to fight this battle, I am rooting for you.
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You know, Aubrey, I just reread your post where you describe how your brother blames his lack of cooperation on "the call" that you made to another sibling. It reminds me of one of my sisters. Right after we moved my mom to be closer to my two older sisters (although I was still the primary caregiver) I messaged my two sisters saying I thought we needed to have a family meeting to discuss how Mom was doing in her new home. My oldest sister refused to even grace me with a reply, telling my other sister that she didn't like the feeling that she was "being summoned" so she saw fit to not respond to my request at all.

My point is that uncooperative, unwilling siblings will use any excuse to blame their lack of cooperation on the person actually doing the work. It's appalling and disheartening, but I've seen it over and over so I know that's how it is.
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Aubrey, Carla s so right. Whenever I.commuicated anything related to Mom, twisted1 would not reply at all, and she is the worst of the two in terms of assisting with anything. When this all began close to four years ago now, we hada family meeting with a social worker involved that was, I guess, measuring the family dynamic or some odd thing. Twisted1 actually announced, in no uncertain terms, in this meeting that she was unwilling to do anything to help because of me having to adjust times with her on a couple of occasions and how those changes cost her monitarily since she was not able to see patients (yes she is a counselor and yes she calls her clients patients) during those couple of hours. Seems there are many more hours in a week to me, but beside the point. Twistes 2 blames her lack of involment on me and how stressful I had made the household. Well, come and relieve me once in awhile to see how stress level decreases.

And now, naturally, with Mom in a facility both are doing their hardest to look good in the presence of others. I have had a number of discussions with staff there that understand what has occured, and now are only concerned with my mom's welfare which is what they should be doing.

The reason twisted2 insisted mom be placed, because it would cost less than living at home with me paid as her caregiver at 2k a month plus 1.5k a month for daycare program I took her to. What is mom paying now? She has had a very difficult time and the facility required a 24/7 caregiver be brought in to monitor mom's behavior, at an approximate cost of 3k a week in addition to the 6.5k a month for the facility. So, twisted dearest, be careful what you wish for. Nothing like mom doing exactly what I thought ahe would. She even tried to climb a seven foot privacy fence to get out a couple of weeks ago, only scraping her hand, thank goodness.
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My sister has just been here for her 2 hour once a year visit. She is now blaming me that she can no longer see her mom because she does not feel welcome in my home. Oh Lordie, once again I am everyone's problem but this time I believe it is HER Own Guilt doing that. 13 years of caregiving - I am too exhausted to care! TEFLON is the word, just like Cleverdish posted. You can still love your siblings but just no longer accept being their garbage dump.
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This is the example you are giving your children.
This is the example they are giving theirs.
Do as you can, but do not expect or demand their help, you can only commit for yourself. You can only give what you are willing to give. If you need respite, pay for it, if at all possible from Mom's assets.
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Try an appropriate facility for a few days respite, take your own family and take off for a weekend. She might enjoy being with different people for a change!
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$3000/wk?! what if you didn't have that kind of money?
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Some towns and cities have community mediation centers, or perhaps an aging care advocate, could help you meet with your sibs to work out schedules. They need to hear that if they can't put in time themselves, then they need to put in money. It is not fair or right that one sibling bears the financial as well as the sacrifice of their life, time and future. A third party facilitator would keep the meeting on a businesslike track "this is a challenge to be solved. What is each person willing to do about it?" Much easier than trying to talk to sibs by yourself, when there is all that history behind you.
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Care4Mom2 -

That's outrageous. You should tell your sister that if she wants to see Mom she can always bring Mom to her own house for a week or two, or take her on a nice vacation. One of my sisters made the same excuse, while I was living with my mother (in a house we own together). I moved out after 9 months or so, and you know what? Sis didn't start coming around more often. It was just and excuse, like so many others in the past and now.

Your sister should be ashamed of yourself. Even if she's uncomfortable in your house, she should let herself be uncomfortable for a few hours to see her mother, and because her mother needs/wants to see her also.
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CarlaCB -

My sister lives in another state. When I even hinted several years ago that we had not had a vacation since 1999 her comment was - What? You want me to take care of mom! She was highly insulted that I even hinted.... I coward out and said of course not. I even suggested to my sister that I would leave the house for a couple of days so she could spend time with mom without my husband or me here. She said absolutely not, she would not feel comfortable staying here. My sister is 72 years old, time to grow the heck up! My poor mom thinks her daughter hates her and nothing I can say can change it but I try - my sister says I am driving a wedge between them (???).... also I am wondering if my sister has the beginnings of dementia, can't remember when mom's started. My daughters see what I go through and are very supportive. I am very blessed. I have learned to get help wherever I can and as much as I can afford. Respite is $165 a day here (3day min), unfortunately my mom gets sick when she goes - the anxiety makes her physically ill - so that does not work well for me.
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