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I would hire a Geriatric Care Manager to come in and do an evaluation. This person can also coordinate his care. Sometimes individual's will not listen to family when it comes to their care but if another professional comes in and makes the recommendation they often times are much more open to listen.

You can go online to the "Aging Life Care Association" and locate a Professional Geriatric Care Manager.

Remember, as long as he is competent NO one can force him to go to a long-term care facility. A Geriatric Care Manager can help him come to the best decision himself.
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MissingCally May 2019
If he is so coherent, then he should be able to live on his own. Since thisn't possible you need to get a power of attorney and do whatever needs to be done to put in a place where he is safe and the sister can get the rest she needs.
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This is a medical emergency!
Your sisters mental health is in crisis.
I would not hesitate getting your dad into a care facility. The reality is that caregivers often die from the stress, lack of sleep and other things associated with caring for loved ones.
I like the suggestion that you take him to a couple of facilities and say 'you have to choose one'.
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rovana: Sis is threatening suicide SO SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE.
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rovana May 2019
I know and I agree. No question something has to be done, actually something needed to be done long ago.  What I'm trying to do is hear ways and means of actually forcing dad.  Practical nuts and bolts. For example: Have a couple of big guys grab him, put him in a car and take him to a facility? Will the facility accept him if he does not consent? How hard is it to baker act him and get him taken out of the house? What steps you have to take to evict him?  What is the law on evictions in OP's jurisdiction.  
I worked as an admin. assistant for many years and I was constantly working to make the rubber actually hit the road and move the vehicle.  See, you can have a reasonable plan but unless all the nails in the horseshoe hold, it may fail.  And then the person under stress loses hope.  It's like planning a war - got to think ahead and consider all possibilities.  If I were brother I would take charge, start eviction proceedings, explain that guilting sister would not help, and just play as nasty as needed.
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Don't hesitate it sounds like she is desperate. For God's sake he needs to be put into a facility
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It's time you stop asking your Dad what he wants. That time is done. What are you waiting for? When your sister has already killed herself, is too late.

I remember feeling the same as your sister. I was going crazy, I would cry and scream in my car, as I was driving alone. Once while driving, I almost got forced off a bridge by a semi that got too close, and my very first instantaneous thought, was : "Well at least this misery would be over." It was almost a disappointment when I managed to survice. ...Is that what you want for your sister.

No one would help me. All my brothers felt they were excused from helping by distance and their oh, so busy lives. My husband just wanted me to never speak of it and just never let it affect his life. Period. Basically heaping mor pressure on me.

You need to step in and TELL Dad and sister that it OVER. Find placement for him and DO IT. While they are both still alive !

You can "speak to him", but DO NOT ASK. Tell him the situation is untenable, and that it's a done deal. Make no bargains, and do not give him any power of veto over any part of the deal, or nothing will get done.

Do it now.
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NannaJ May 2019
I can absolutely relate to what you've said and have done the same. Have even thought about driving at speed into a tree to try and end things and not have to live with my mother any more. I am now in bed knowing that I have to get up and deal with another unhappy day. I'm not me any more and have forgotten who me actually was. I am an unhappy little girl again aged 63 but can't leave home again yet!!!
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Hi Favreon, I have been where your sister is. My elderly Mom lived with us for a year and I thought about suicide because I never got a break. I finally got in a support group that helped. (Some help, some don't) I think you have a good idea. Sit down with your sister and talk to her. When I was in that situation I was so overwhelmed I could not see the forest for the trees. It took an outside person to help me. I tried to get my Mom into Assisted Living but she would not go. She ended up having surgery and then passed away. Had my Mom lived I would have forced the issue. Things got so bad they were affecting my marriage and my health. I finally learned that I had to put on my oxygen mask first or I could not help anyone else. I hope this helps a bit.
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Stuck4ever May 2019
I’m on this boat. My sister and mom lived together (mom is 69) my sister said no more and kicked her out. Never asked me just said TAKE HER IM DONE. Now that she’s been here since January I have this rage toward her she’s demanding and mean. I’m married with a teen and college student who has a disease that I have to help her with. I think if I was dead I would t have to deal with this anymore. I think about death a lot
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I guess the OP is out taking care of business of getting dad placed as we’ve not heard another word. I do hope he comes back and gives us an update. So frustrating when you don’t know if anyone is listening. Sure hope so! Hope his sister is doing better.
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