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I found this site last year right around this time when my 84 year old mother had a severe COPD flare and was in the hospital for 2 weeks and then rehab for 6 before going back to her assisted living facility.


She’s had a slow decline since then (no longer walks to meals with her roller, needs assistance showering, needs o2 most of the day etc) but overall she is fine.


I on the other hand am simply exhausted. While she does live in a wonderful assisted living facility she only has me and my brother (who lives 2 hours away and helps minimally) to take care of her and support her emotionally and logistically. Thankfully money is not an issue. But I have 3 kids, work full time and am stretched so think I sometimes think I may break.


Her place has been locked down for 6 weeks and while I do miss her it has been a wonderful break to not have to visit every week and drop off/ship random things every day since I’ve told her many things are not available.


She has stage 4 COPD, CHF and is on 3L of O2. She is a very very high risk for coronavirus and major complications.


Tuesday I get a call that she has a 101 fever and they think she has the virus and are very worried. Talked to her dr a few times and went over what could happen. What treatment would be appropriate, reviewed her advanced directives etc... dr indicates that this is probably ‘it’ so I’ve been accepting that over the last 2 days. Now, they are monitoring her every few hours and finally got her dr in to test her yesterday but today she seems totally fine. No fever, breathing is better and no one is really worried anymore.


While this is wonderful news and I’m incredibly relieved I’m just so mentally drained. I have been told this is 'It' so many times since she has quadruple bypass 6 years ago but always bounces back I don’t know how to feel anymore.


When I heard about the fever on Tuesday I was not that concerned because this happens and she’s always fine. But then my husband sat me down and told me how awful this and that I need to prepare so I do and now she is fine.


I feel like an awful person for being exasperated over this but I’ve barely slept this week because I’m so worried and now all is ok .... until the next illness where I'll be right back where I am today.


How do you step back to preserve your own sanity while making sure you are making the best decisions and loving and supporting your LO as they need it most?

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First of all. Congratulations on getting your Mom into a hospice. If she is being taken care of, then you reallt shouldnt be taking on the same level of stress. Relieving you of the burden is what they are there for.

Is it guilt? Look my dear. We all know that feeling. You give your all to care for your parent, but the moment you, take time for yourself, guilt seeps in, often times friends/family only pile on the guilt accusing you of being selfish....but remember, only YOU know the weight of the caregiver's experience. Im sure you were yiur mother's main caregiver up until she was sent to the facility.

So unless they are willing to takeup the role themselves, anybody who is pressuring you about it can take their opinion and shove it.

Secondly, in my short experience ...I can warn you that having a sickly parent is emotionally draining and unfortunately not all spouses are equipped to handle it.

Unfortunately your husband might be one of those. You are not alone in this. I have experience it too. Ive learnt that if I talk to much about my mother's condition to my girlfriend, now fiancee, it usually leads to a long sexless, arguing night.


Dont let your mother's condition interfere with your marriage (that's YOUR life and you must cherish it)....as others have suggested...you may be eligible for counselling. Find a counsellor.
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If she's in assisted living why are you being so hands on and taking all that stress on yourself? Let them assist with her living. They're being paid enough to. Distance yourself from the situation.
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FullCircle May 2020
I do let her place manage most things but there are still so many tasks that fall to the family and in my case it’s really just me and my brother - or me because brother is not as involved. He’s 2.5 hours away and while he calls and helps when needed he doesn’t take care of basic things. She is the last of her 4 siblings and feels very alone - especially stuck in her room now with the staff in full ppe and coming in as little as possible. I try to call her every day to say hi but it is so draining.

She has mild cognitive decline and is not able to use a smart phone or computer so I send/drop off all items she needs - batteries, depends, envelopes, snacks, etc etc... while I have cut down on the frequency I will bring them she leaves at least one message every day with other item she must have. Yesterday it was 2 tweezers - had to be Revlon - and a big jug of cashew nuts. She has some major incontinence issues that I talk to the staff frequently about. If I had know I would be here 6 years later I would have paced myself and not done multiple weekly visits those first few years but I was always told she was ‘at the end’ so I wanted to make that time special.

the load can’t be compared to those who have their lo at home so I realize I am lucky that she is well cared for and has the resources to pay - and for that I feel guilty too!!! But I have 3 children and a full time job and I fee
line I’m spending their childhood taking care of her too .
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If you can get Mom placed on hospice, you may qualify for counseling for yourself. I did; I had to specifically ask for it, and practically demand it, but it was a real benefit for ME, with my Mom on hospice and in memory care. I was coming apart at the seams!! This was about two years ago (my mother died two summers ago), and I realize rules and regulations differ by state and by Hospice company. Even if your Mom isn't on hospice, you might want to strongly consider counseling for yourself (it's usually covered fully or partially by regular health insurance), because if you can't talk to your husband about your Mom, then I don't know who you CAN talk to. The group here is fantastic and very helpful, but nothing can take the place of a trained counselor who can help you find out and work through your serious issues. I'm so sorry that you don't feel you can speak with your husband and tell him the full truth about your Mom and her calls.
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My mother is 93 and has been saying for YEARS now that she wants to die. Ad nauseum, actually. To the point where I tell her to please STOP IT already, that enough is enough. As an only child, I'm fed up to the gills with ALL of it, frankly. So today she's telling me how she's 'only 92' and how some people say they don't want to live to that age, can you imagine? Uh yeah, whatever. She's ready to live to a HUNDRED now, go figure. Me, on the other hand, I am ready for her to go to her great reward tonight. In her sleep, preferably. with no pain and no more suffering for ANYONE.

She has survived 3 bouts of pneumonia. Pulmonary emboli. About 6 stays in the hospital. A stint in rehab. A DVT that had a surgeon putting in an IVF filter at midnight on Christmas Eve in 2011. 45 falls.......yes, you read that right: FORTY FIVE falls since she's been in Assisted Living since 2014. Severe vertigo to the point where I was taking her back and forth for "Epley Manuever" treatments at the ENT doctor's office a few times a month. In a wheelchair. She's survived CHF, stage 3 kidney disease, AFIB, 3 enormous nosebleeds with trips to the ER where her blood thinners were blamed, so I had them discontinued. That led to a stroke; so she's now survived a stroke too. She's survived such a bad case of ulcerative colitis that the doc said he'd never seen such a torn up colon, ever, in his entire career of practice as a GI doctor. She's had enough issues to kill 20 people by now, and she's going strong! Oh, and she has moderate dementia to boot! She's now fallen 10x in Memory WHILE she's been in a wheelchair! I even had to get her water shoes for the shower which is like a fortress...........almost impossible to fall in, due to all the bars and contraptions designed so the elder does NOT fall, she's fallen twice!

I could go on and on. And on. But I will spare you more details. This whole run-on sentence is to tell you that I 'get it'. I feel your pain. My DD is an RN in the COVID 19 unit in a busy downtown hospital. Yesterday she told me, don't worry Ma, grandma will probably get the virus and be FINE! She'll pull thru IT as she's pulled through the 5 dozen other 'killer' things she's put us all through. I've had her dead and buried 10x already, but she always bounces back!

How do I know I'm making the best decisions and loving/supporting my LO as she needs it most? I haven't killed her yet, that's how I know! I'm still speaking to her, regardless of the nightmare she's put me through since she moved here in 2011. Forget about the nightmare she put me through PRIOR to 2011, never mind about that. I don't know about 'preserving my own sanity' because many times it hangs on by a thread. Trust me. I do cut down my calls to her, and the visits, so I FULLY understand about welcoming the break that's come along now with the visiting restrictions due to COVID 19. It's been a godsend, really.

I've lost a LOT of sleep over my mother and worrying about her issues which ALWAYS resolve themselves. Until one day they won't. I don't when that will be, when God is ready to take her Home, but I'm sure it won't be for a while. So in the meantime, I'll just do my best. One day at a time. Just do YOUR best and don't second guess yourself. You are not a bad person, and neither am I. We just have A LOT to deal with and no end in sight. It can feel quite overwhelming, I know, and this is a great place to vent and to get support, too.

Wishing you the best of luck, my friend.
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onlychild55 May 2020
I am an only child, with no children, a wonderful husband who I am trying to protect from all of my mother's drama. I have a 88 year old mom who is physically healthy. She has always been independent, and when my dad died 15 years ago, she accepted and moved on. I had only been married a month, and it was no problem at old. Fast forward 15 years later, she had a little health blip about a year and a half ago, and it has been an emotional roller coaster for me daily. I love her, and I visit her in her own home every other day. I call her or she calls me alot during the day. I try to hide those phone calls from my husband. I am alway taking out the trash or going down stairs to do something to speak with her briefly. I feel sorry for her because she is sooooooo extremely lonely. She has outlived her friends and her family only cares about themselves. I guess I have an emotional outburst every time I see her. She has no emotion at all. I have tears streaming or having outbursts, and it doesn't effect her. She can't try or even get made. All she says to me all the time is that she would be so much better if she moved in with my husband and I. I tell her daily that that will never happen. She keeps saying it. I have told her and told her. I have hung up the phone, I have thrown a fit, and it doesn't phase her. I tell her I will not give up my marriage for her. I love her but she doesn't love me enough to stop saying it. I told her I would talk to my husband and visit her daily to help. I told her I could retire. I told her I could hire a companion. No to it all except moving in with us. There is something with she and I that I can't figure out. I tell her that. I pretty much tell her everything I feel. I told her that one good thing going through this is to maybe work out what our deep down problem is before one of us die. We love each other, but not until she has started behaving like this, did we every hug or tell each other we love each other. I, like you, am emotionally drained. I pray for her, I pray with her daily. Nothing ever changes. When she visits our house for dinner, about once a month, my husband thinks all of this may be my imagination cause she seems okay. Not quite as spunky as she use to be. I tell him, believe me, you have no idea. I just keep it to myself, because he went through some things with his mom, and I just want to protect him from this problem. She is physically healthy other wise. We worries about everything. She has financial resources, but she has regrets not spending her money on things. She spent it on me and my dad, but really her. Now she is looking back and hates everything. She hates her house, trees, leaves, bills, being alone, not having any friends. Sometimes, I think me. I tell her that too. She is miserable, and she was never like that. She has always been hard on me, so what I do for her, she doesn't like. I try so hard to please her. I guess I always have. I tell her that too. I tell her things through our lives together that hurt me. When I was born, she had Post Pardum depression, and I think it is back. I have told her doctor, and she just says that it is a difficult situation. She is in her right mind (no dementia or anything; she actually helps me remember stuff and she does her own checkbook in her head. I check behind her) The doctor said that we can't make her take meds to help. When she gets upset about money or things, she starts chattering. Anyway, I just need to just get this out for someone to read this and know I am not all alone. Being an only child with a sick parent is hard. I thought losing my dad from Cancer was tough, but this is so much worse. Thanks for reading.
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Agree with Barb, I too, remember thinking many times, life would be easier and less stressful if mom would have a heart attack, or a stroke instead of the long slow decline of dementia. And more what mom would want, she actually asked me to help her dies once. She did not want to live like that. It is hard. Has mom been evaluated for hospice?

Have you thought about a geriatric care manager that would be able to help you with these sorts of things? Or a companion for mom that would spend a few hours with mom a few times a week to take some pressure off of you? Run the errands on the way to see mom.

I would give that a try. Figure out what would be most helpful to you and try it out.
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((((((Hugs))))))))

I know. I KNOW. You feel like a miserable person for thinking "this is it, it will be so much easier once she's gone".

You are NOT a bad person. It if you are, then a lot of us here are in the same category.

There is a thread here called "I think this is the beginning of the end". I started it sometime in 2014. My mother died at the end of August 2017.

So for 3 solid years, I clutched every time the phone rang. Spent a lot of time at work on the phone with doctors, nursing staff, audiologists, social workers....

And the callbacks? I remember one night, the dentist I had been trying to reach for weeks called as my husband was being loaded into an ambulance with a life threatening problem.

I probably still have some PTSD from this 3 years later.

Can you get your brother to do some of the ordering? Or the finances? Are you able to set up auto ship for things that mom uses regularly?

And very importantly, are you able to say "I will do that when I get a chance". You MUST make time for your own mental and physical health.

But come here and hang out and vent. These folks saved me many times over. ((((Hugs))))))
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We are not wired to live in such intense emotional states for long periods; the tension and release is very hard on our own systems. You're not an awful person; you're doing a everything you can, and you're exhausted.
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dlpandjep May 2020
Exactly!
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