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And, f.f. epsecially, but all of you who are trying so hard to help those who seem to specialize in being hard to help, every now and then pat yourself on the back and remind yourself how lucky your loved one is to have you in their life, fending off scammers and tossing spoiled food in the trash on the sly when you can.

BTW, soap opera can be very interesting, and its slow paced enough that someone who has time to watch can update someone who doesn't in a minute or two. It's been decades since I followed any of them seriously (anyone remember All My Children?) but I understand nothing has changed. :-)
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Frequent Flyer, I always sense a red flag going up when I hear the phrase "sharp as a tack!" That phrase delayed me making decisions that needed made for my Mom and added to my guilt and distress quite a bit when I already had plenty of both. If hearing and/or vision are poor, those can be remedied to some degree if the person is willing to use a little technology (page magnifier - hearing aid) though even that can be a battle, and/or everyone else knows of the problem and helps compensate for them. But think a minute - if you or I had enough trouble making out what was being said or what was on a form, we'd insist on understanding it before signing if we judged it important. "Hang on I need my reading glasses to see what this says" isn't so hard...and one rainy day when I did not have my hearing aids in, there was a fellow whose soft spoken, African-accented speech threw me for a loop even in a quiet environment. I ended up having him spell it for me, and bonking myself on the forehead, though he realized I was not stupid just HOH.

Just be aware that people may lose judgement and higher level thinking and problem solving skills - and therefore need a little help- though they are oriented and recognize people OK. And if they can be helped in tactful, creative ways without having to realize that those skills have slipped, so much the better...especially given that they may not be able to grasp that those skills have slipped, simply because they have!
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to LindafromVT getting a "retirement clock" that the hands point to the day instead of the hour is great so that they can keep track of what day it is. I also decorate Mom's room for any holiday so that she can deep track of the seasons.
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I have found that sometimes, no matter how difficult it is, you must just "bite the bullet" and move your loved one to an Assisted Living Facility. It was so difficult for us to do this to my mother. She was biligerent about the entire ordeal and refused to admit she had any issues. We involved her in picking out which furniture she would like to take, which artwork, etc, right down to the linens. The day we moved her she claimed she did not remember doing any of that or making any of those decisions.
It was just to dangerous to leave her alone any longer and she kept firing any help we hired to come in and help her. I wish you the best with your elder and your caregiving experience. I know that I could not keep up with the worries and the care any longer - to the detrement of my own health. We no longer had any choice. Best wishes and hugs to you.
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As someone in a very similar situation with my parents, I appreciate the comments and support listed above. At least we have this site to help keep things in perspective, when our days are so exhausting.
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Sometimes I wonder if it is dementia or that the elder person has a hearing problem. Why I say this is because of what I see with my 96 year old Mother.

If someone tries to talk to my Mom, Mom comes across as very confuse.... but she's is sharp as a tack and the problem is with her hearing, not her mind. Thus, any doctor appointment I need to be there to help relay information between Mom and the doctor, and anyone else in the doctor's office.

Also, if Mom needs to fill out a form or sign something, she also comes across as confused because she has a serious macular degeneration eye problem, and has trouble reading or even seeing the line to sign her name.
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This sounds so much like my mom. She is in mid stage Alzheimer's, refuses to leave her home, refuses anyone to live with her and her days consist of little tv, looking out her window or staring at the floor and crying with no radio or tv or background noise. Anyone would go nuts doing nothing all day. She has no interests whatsoever except her soap operas and never had any interests when she was younger so trying to engage her in anything now is pointless. Her interests were my father and me (I'm an only child) and since my father died 26 years ago, she centered all her focus on me to the point where she insisted on doing everything I did, buying everything I bought and going everywhere I went. I have felt smothered all my life and now that she needs me the most, I feel like running away. Thankfully I have an excellent caregiver who does a lot with her, but it's going to take a broken hip or another incident to get her out of her home. So I wait and wait.

Patience is hard because of her constant repeating and she never remembers her medication even though they are in a pill dispenser. If she can't remember what day it is, how can she remember to take it? And she can't leave notes for herself because she won't remember to write them!

It's a tough life we all share and coming here is such a comfort. We are all doing the best we can and my guilt is beginning to lessen. God bless all of us, our job is never easy
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I agree with all above, this is a worrying and depressing situation for you, and you can only do your best. The only thing I'd add is: you say "she has no interests" - but what were her interests, during her active adult life? I'm wondering if there is maybe something there you can use to reconnect with her; but also, if the change in her spirits and general level of participation is comparatively sudden, whether there might be depression at work on her, too?

Best wishes, hope something small but important happens soon x
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Hello, Dementia comes in many forms, and what I can say from experience as both a daughter of a father that has it, and a caregiver is patience, patience, patience. What I remember is this, "no one asked for these diseases" and they do not know what they are doing regardless. So if you think that you can reason with someone with Dementia, what I would do, is exactly what I do with Alzheimer's, even though they are two separate diseases. Re direct, find something they enjoy, and remember their pace has slowed way down, be it magazines, television programs, or a favorite movie. Dementia is a confusing confusing disease, and Alzheimer's is also, but there are types of Dementia, where they do not lose their cognitive function, they just cannot talk to you about what is going on in their brain. I would use this sight as a place for respite for you, and remember to take care of yourself. We, as caregivers all say that, because we have probably all been guilty of letting our own needs go for the sake of assisting the ones we love. I say that being a paid care giver and a care giver to my mother and father whom are 87 and have Alzhimer's Disease (mother) and father has Demential (Frontal Lobe Aphasia), which means that he knows what he is trying to state, and there is no real memory loss, he will eventually end up mute.

Best to you, and good luck.!!!!!
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Awww hugs to you! We went through the denial from my mother in law who has Alzheimers. I agree with Carol, sometimes it takes a crisis to be able to make things happen. My mother in law years ago refused to stop driving. Even she had her liscense revoked from state of PA after a failed driving test requested by her doctor and continued to drive until we put a club on her car. We have found it is essential to have had 2 neuropsycology consultations by an expert in dementia. One in 2005, and one in 2011 while in patient in hospital. The last stated she was incompetent to engage in independant decision making regarding caring for herself. The hospital would not release her to her home alone. This helped us tremendously to take action and hire a live in care giver (we live 3 hours away) to make sure she was safe at home. She had been burning pots, unable to properly clean herself after incontinence, or take her medications. After being tested, it made us aware how bad my motherinlaws dementia was. Again, it empowered our decision making knowing we wre doing the right things! My mother in law has had a live in care giver for 3 years, and still insists she lives alone!
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I feel your pain, too. We are given so much responsibility, but so little power to make them do anything. My mother has become a fall risk, but refuses to use a walker or cane in the house. She won't exercise to build her strength during cold weather. I can suggest and recommend, but all it does is make her see me as her enemy. It seems we caregivers get cast in the role of enemy a lot when we are just trying to be thoughtful. I wish our loved ones wouldn't have to reach a crisis point to realize that we weren't being the bad guys.
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Pstiegman has voiced the pain of many adult children. Sometimes you have no choice but to wait for the "incident" that will hospitalize your elder or put him or her in a nursing home. Occasionally, Social Services can help if a person lives alone and is in danger, but this depends a lot on where you live. Often, they can't do much, either.

Sometimes you can gain guardianship over the elder, but that is a long legal battle that can be expensive and emotionally exhausting for everyone. Unless the elder is diagnosed with an advanced stage of dementia, this move is unlikely to work.

Waiting for an elder to have an incident that can convince him or her that help is needed is agony for the family, but please don't feel guilty. Do what you can. Sometimes, that isn't enough to keep them safe but it's all you can do.

I had two similar situations - yes, I do feel your pain. We were fortunate in that the incidences were not horrible - just bad enough to make the move.
My best to both of you.
Carol
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I feel your pain. My MIL is 86 and I refuse to eat at her house because she hoards leftovers until they are rotten and then offers them to visitors. We found bugs crawling in pasta and dried beans. She was going to hire a companion and HA! She really wanted a chauffeur /housekeeper that was going to cost her $20 per hour with a minimum of 4 hours. We have also found notes to be useless and reminders are forgotten immediately after they are spoken. As far as conversation, her mouth never stops, it is a river of disconnected thoughts and faulty memoirs. There are more and more friends and relatives who simply stay away, simply do not call. She refuses to move to assisted living. We are in the agony of waiting for the "incident" where she lands in the hospital and the MD's order a nursing home.
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