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Othet remedies include magnesium, sleep teas (at your local health food store), calms forté (also at tge health food store), exercise if you can manage it, but I can't when I am exhsusted.
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I did all of that and more and yes, she is dying slowly. My mother now has at home hospice so you know I managed. But not without help. You need the following and both medicare and medicaid can help with some of them, but you should call your local Area Agency on Aging for specific help finding them:
1. Support groups, at least one
2. Home Health Aids
3. Time out for a coffee, a walk, whatever suits you
4. Meals on wheels (unless you are like me, organic. I am not sure if they do kosher or halal)

Some religious groups have volunteers who will keep your mother company. Some adult day care places are mefical model and can take people with great health needs - medicaid will pay for this, medicare as well I think.
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Racheel29, you could have been writing our story, but at least there are 2 of us. My FIL has been with us in our home for 12 years now, and he is rapidly declining. He only ever leaves the house for Dr appointments, and is now so incredibly weak, from no exercise. For the past 3 days he has had constipation, then the remedy of a gentle laxative, plus an enema, has led to non stop diarrhea, multiple times , all-over the carpets, thank God for my carpet cleaner I just bought a year ago! My husband has a severely bad back, and today he is out of commission, so now it's like I have a hospital ward, running back and forth between the bedrooms, and caring for my doggy to boot! Calgon take me away! I wish I knew the answers, but I don't, only time will tell, but I do know that the final decision to put him into care is my husband's, and I am stuck waiting for that decision to be made.
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jamarshall, I loved what you wrote. I feel like I must have done something terrible in a past life that I'm paying for now. The idea of karma comes to me a lot. I love hearing someone else thinking the same way. What if it is true? What if we are the karma debt generation? :-D

I bought the book 36 Hour Day. It is on my shelf now. I started reading it. The more I read, the more I dreaded. I didn't want to work that hard! I set the book down and never picked it back up. The writer was such a better caregiver than I am. I have to admit I take things an hour at a time and try to keep things normal as possible. When it gets too hard for me it will be time to find a facility where she can get better care.

I might should try to read some more of the book again or at least donate it to the library for someone who can use it.
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Eddie: Great post!
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Rachel, Like the others have said, I am saying this is my story too. Wish I had an answer for you. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in suffering.
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Dear Rachel, I can relate to most of your story except, seeing it coming, we started to get home help care. 18 hours a week. Sometimes there's not a lot for them to do except "babysit" but it lets me go to my church stuff and an occasional movie. But it gets me away from my mother's toxic disposition. Last night with the sirens blaring she refused to go to the basement. Her control issues were more important than a tornado coming thru town!

Anyway, the thing that struck me the most is that, according to your letter, she seems to still be driving. I think that's really dangerous. I admit that for some people it's a real struggle taking the car keys away, but I think that there are previous posts that discuss the driving issue and ways to get the car keys away. Good luck.
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You are stress. You need to go out and relax. Enjoy. You need to get a help for your Mom.
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Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine! I have had my Mother at home with me for l0 years now and she was always self centered but now that she's has dementia she can't see the person that takes care of her every need only herself as the person disabled. I handle this better now (sometimes not so good) because my brother gave me the book, "The 36 Hour Day" which has helped me see around some of the things my Mother says and does. It has also helped me deal with the hallucinations and hurtful things she says. I recently took her an elder care doctor and my Mom was put on a anti psychotic that's helped tremendously but doesn't stop the continuous repeat story telling. I sometimes think it helps her stay as grounded as she can by going over the events from her past. Sometimes if I've just heard that particular story, I'll tell her and sometimes she will change to another one but usually not.

Your Mom doesn't sound as disabled as my Mom but with your Mom still able to get around, she must be watched even more carefully so may be harder in a way. I recently lost my husband to RA and I am learned to forgive my Mom for outliving my so very sweet friend of a husband. I guess that sounds strange but my Mom was always here always demanding attention and left little time for my sick husband. We rarely got out together alone! My Mom has chronic pain as well and all the problems that goes along with the pain meds. and the classic symptoms of a drama queen. I have also gone through burn out and am up many times at night being buzzed by her for needs caused by sun downers. She just doesn't sleep at night.

I also know that this will not last forever and figure I am working off some sort of bad karma I've incurred from a past life (it must have been a bad deed, indeed :-).

Some times a sense of humor helps to lighten the mood and make everyone laugh. We also have several little dogs that distract her attention and they are comical, too. On a good day, I plan on keeping her as long as I can lift and work but other days I'm ready to chuck it and run off to a distant land. I think the key is to do the best you can for your person, rest when you can, and take breaks as possible until something changes. I also know that when it gets tough, hang on a little while and my Mom will get distracted and forget what made her upset or play my kindle solitaire with an ear to her stories since I know them so well.

So if you haven't already read the book mentioned above, I highly recommend it. It is updated every so often, too. May God bless you both.
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I understand the part about the house falling down around them..crying out..please leave me..this was my mom and stepdad..my brother and I begged them to move...they wouldn't listen..even tho we offered to do all the work..then step dad was diagnosed w colon cancer...they had hid his symptoms for quite some time...so back and forth with them to the hospital..doctors etc...and note..they were not cooperative...so we lost him in January...moms with us..my son lives in her former home...she gave it to him...he's handy and can do the repairs...because of their poor decisions...that I knew they were not able to make mentally....it's quite a difficult time for all three of us...so hard to get loved ones to understand...what they are in denial of..you feel like a bully
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SheriJean and others I think we all struggle with this. However, I've come to finally understand there is a limit to how much I can do (physically/emotionally/spiritually). Caregiving can be become so suffocating to the point of what you described so correctly!

I wish I had understood the boundary setting early on along with the guts to act on it then. It took me a while to get there, but I'm well on my way. We've started the year with my mom having two health crises and she's in rehab now near me. Dad is 45 min away in a house practically falling down around them. Even the house is saying please leave, get out and never come back! My wonderful hub has been caring for him. So we're getting dad moved in the next week or so to a really nice AL about 8 minutes from us. If mom survives then she'll move in with him.

We just told them both we're done! No ifs ands or buts you have to move for your safety and health as well as our sanity and health. Or I'll call social services and APS and let them guide what happens. So, they chose AL. The next will be to tackle the doctors. I'm sick of them, sick of hospitals, etc. The AL has doctors so I'll be looking into that after we get them settled.

We have to muster the courage to say when OUR time is up and follow through on getting them good care and get our lives back and peace of mind. I'm there now. I'm done running on fumes, just done.
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Rereading everyone's suggestions here..it seems everyone wants to do the right thing...help our parents..but for myself anyway...guilt keeps us from setting boundaries until we realize it's almost at the point of no return..we are so burned out we resent our loved one...who is in survival mode and sucking the life out of us..now we don't even like or respect ourselves anymore..we feel selfish for even thinking of our own well being! It's like a trap I set for myself! Mom is at my brothers right now...and it's like a vacation for them...cause when she returns...I have to do the hard stuff..the banking..the doctors..the cooking...laundry etc..that makes me kinda angry...he gets to be the good guy..I'm the one she gets to verbally and mentally abuse..it's gotten to the place..I want to be just her daughter again...not her caregiver....but then maybe I am over caregiving..hard to draw the line...hope I haven't offended anyone...I'm just thinking out loud
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Is there such a word as over-caregiving? You've willingly turned into a robotic slave in perpetual reaction mode.

See what you can do to level the playing field somewhat by sharing the physical and emotional exhaustion. Make a Mom's Chart with 3 columns: WHAT SHE CAN'T DO; WHAT SHE CAN DO WITH HELP; and WHAT SHE CAN DO INDEPENDENTLY. You'll notice most things fall under the last 2 categories.

She can, for example, do dishes more often and carry her own purse. If she has the vocabulary and the energy to find fault in everything you do, then she can talk with her doctors herself instead of using you as a mouthpiece.

You've chosen to operate beyond burnout. And now that guilt-ridden, 24/7 sense of obligation has you running on fumes. As long as you keep catering to her every need and whim -- whether real or imaginary -- she's not going to be inclined to do much on her own.
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My Mom also goes to an Adult Day Program.. It's activity for her and respite for me...

Call your local Area of Aging ..
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You are experiencing caregiving burnout! Get relief somehow. If you fall ill, you can help no one!
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Rachel, you must know your mom loves you and would probably be lost without your love and compassion. That being said. doesn't make it any easier for the guilt we feel for seeming to fall short of our responsibility. I think when we approach responsibility as a duty instead of responsibility out of love, we become resentful. No one wants or needs these emotions coupled with sense of exhaustion. Does your mom have any hobbies she might enjoy, even something simple. Making our loved ones feel needed, when they may know they are a burden to some degree, takes the fear of you quitting on her.
Talk with your mom, ask her to help you, let her know how much you need her help, it may just be what she and you both need. Take a walk if you can leave her alone or better yet take her with you.
I can tell you are tired, but you're a loving daughter who needs some rest and a good laugh. I wish you the best. Take care
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I haven't yet read all the other answers, so I'll probably repeat someone's suggestions. It's emotionally draining to live your life and someone else's. And you are trapped. You need 1) boundaries and 2) a support structure. Yes, your mother doesn't mean it to sound like criticism, but we continue all our lives trying to please our parents and if we are compassionate, we try to ease someone else's pain. That's where the boundaries come in. You can't solve all your mother's problems so just accept that some things are the way they are and feel free to sympathize with your mother as you cut off some of the conversation that drives you crazy. You will need some time to yourself, so establish a support structure - tap your church for help (talk to your pastor), hire companion care if you can afford, lean on relatives if you can, talk with good friends who might help. If you can come up with activities that engage your mother - give her simple household tasks within her capacity to help out - she will feel more productive and independent. Consider daycare if possible to get her into a group of her peers. Look for short cuts and don't criticize yourself for your feelings.
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Amen, Sister.
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I am sure people are already telling you how you have to take care of yourself, and I am also pretty sure you are tired of hearing it. The reality is what you want to try and make people understand is that you are just tired of your life being taken away. I can tell from what you are writing that you love your mother, but you are tired, need someone to be grateful for the above and beyond you are doing, and need time to yourself. You need to see someone to talk to. Being frustrated, angry, tired and guilty are all normal responses and you need someone to tell you that. Getting it from someone that is experienced with caregiver stress will really help.
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I wonder the same thing. Two years ago, my mother was having a lot of problems, falling mainly, with regular visits to the ER. In addition, I lost my job and a flood messed up our property. Then, a year ago, Mom was on track for more of the same, and I decided enough was enough and got her into assisted living. My relationship with my wife is a little shaky, though we keep working through things. We just went through a Holiday Season from Hell with Mom, and I'm starting to think I'll never be the same again. .

Still, I try to make some time for myself, take walks, watch escapist TV shows that I like. I'm still tired most of the time but am starting to see a glimmer of hope. I hope you will too. What I'm trying to do is simply accept the idea that I've changed forever and am trying to see where that takes me.
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I think Rachael has left the building.
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Forgot to ad that I do have people that will look in on her and I call twice a day, so she wont be completely alone.
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My situation to a T. I live 1000 miles away. Mom is completely negative. I dont do anything the way she would. I have been living with her since Dec. 2015. I have tried everything.. She cannot walk well, so have to do everything. I have tried to get help to come here, she refuses all help. Last week I had the RSVP woman come and talk to her. The do a huge amount of services. It is volunteer you just give donations. Sounds wonderful. Mom refused everything. They offer rides or will shop for you all types of help. She is capable of doing her personal hygiene and food, Easy stuff. Meds etc. so, She now has the number to RSVP and I am leaving on the 30th of March. I still have a business to run and need to go home. Hopefully everything will be fine, and if not she can contact the RSVP lady. I will have as much done as possible.

I feel for all of you know how this goes. It really helped me to know that there are others feeling as I do. I got some really good views from posting on this site. I thank all of you for that. Hang in there, hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Hi Rachael,

This is the situation many caregivers find themselves in, however it can get better. You can have a better more relaxed life with your mother by changing a few simple things. It sounds to me like a good self-care program is just what you need. Many caregivers by nature get into this rut because they are very caring people.

Good self-care is the backbone of caregiving for people. This is true of family, professional caregivers, clergy and in many instances medical professionals. So how do we fix it and how can we have a life that is not only good for us but good for the patient as well.

1. Self-care is the cornerstone of this business.

Good self-care is not a luxury when caring for a loved one. Self-care is necessary to help caregivers be available both physically and emotionally. Begin with setting aside time for you. I suggest 30 minutes in the morning and in the again in the evening. For this time you will need to determine the activities that are relaxing for you (reading, watching TV, a loved hobby and so forth). Once the activity is in place ask another family member or friend to be there for your Mom. They can take her out or stay with her. The idea is that you do not need to think about her care for the time you have set aside. I would not suggest you take a nap as if you have clinically depression "napping" can create another problem of it's own. I would suggest going for a walk get fresh air and exercise at your pace will help you more than taking a nap as by doing this or other outside activities will help you getting a good night's sleep. You will find, as this becomes a constant in your life, you sleep better and wake more refreshed.

2. Look for friends and neighbors that can help.

Many people would love to help (I am sure). They simply do not know what to do or when to do it. Ask them to help by staying with Mom while you shop or go to your appointments. Begin now setting up a 'help list'. Many a times a list is great for idea stimulus just jot down some things you would enjoy. Simply make a list of what you need help with and have a good location to post the list ask so people can look at the list for something they can help with. Examples would be picking up five or six things from the grocery store or empty the cat litter something that will only cost some time.

3. County or local assistance.

Look to your county assistance office (Senior Information and Assistance) and ask them for volunteer Respite Care. There is frequently an organization that will provide Respite for a few days so you can get some rest. Many organizations offer Adult Day Health and it may or may not be free, rather on a sliding scale. Please have your time planned for the Respite and again not staying at home or in bed.

Most important is to do something which is totally different than what you do daily for your Mom. Do not spend this time cleaning the house or sleeping. You do need and deserve a break. So take one, this may seem like more work however it is truly not.

Take care of yourself as you are the person that will need to be there for the declining years And please know you are not alone and if possible join a support group for caregivers (you can find through your Mom's doctor office or churches or county agencies).

Above all you are the best service your Mom has.
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I understand completely what you are going through, Rachael29, because I went through muany of the same things with my mother who I cared for for five years until she passed in February. By the end of her life she had become completely dependent on me emotionally and physically, and although I adored her, it felt like a huge burden at times. When her body started shutting down about two weeks before she died, I felt a strange sense of relief, and then, of course, felt guilty about it. Anyway, what got me through was therapy. I saw my therapist once a month (I couldn't afford to see him weekly) and it helped so much to have someone with whom I could share all of my feelings and emotions with. This may not be the way that you want to deal with things, but it sounds as if, at least, you do need a real break. I often put off my own well being because I was so focused on my mom and I've read that this is very common with caregivers. Venting here probably helped as well, I'm sure. Whatever you decide to do just never forget that you are not alone.
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I take care of my husband with mid stage dementia. I try about 3 in the afternoon while he is watching tv to take a nap. It makes all the difference in my well being. I am in this for the long haul. He is on a rolling walker so when we go out that has to go in and out of the trunk. I have somebody in to clean every other week. There is just the two of us so I have to make sure that I stay strong.
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I read the answers here and they are all very good. Rachael, your mother sounds so much like mine. Does she have some type of dementia? I read she takes insulin, so I wondered if she might have vascular dementia.

So much of what we can do easily depends on if they realize something is wrong with them or not. If they do not accept that they have problems with their thinking, then all the things that go wrong are someone else's fault. If they can't figure out the coffee, then someone bought the wrong pot. If they can't find something, then someone took it. Basically, if something bad is happening, it is someone else's fault. If the only person there is the caregiving child, then everything is their fault. Staying with someone who does not accept the dementia is more difficult than most people can imagine. It also makes the caregiving child start feeling like they are a really bad person.

The easy solution would be to place the parent or to go on long respite. But there the problem of them not admitting a problem comes in again. Nothing is wrong with them and they can take care of themselves. So if the caregiving child wants to go on vacation, then they can go. And NO, the parent won't go for respite care and won't let someone come in. In their mind they can take care of themselves just fine. And NO, they don't want to go to AL, since they want to die in their homes and can take care of themselves just fine.

There was a thread on AC about people who don't know (or accept) something is wrong with them. I can't remember the name of the condition. In my mother's case she will sometimes say that her memory isn't any good anymore, but she won't blame that if she loses something or forgets how to do something. I hear many snide remarks and live with criticism. It is very disheartening. I know it would be easier if I could just say that it was the dementia causing the problem, but to her she doesn't have dementia. Any hint that something is wrong with her starts WWIII.

I wish I had an easy answer. I get out almost every day to go for a long walk or to the gym. My mother doesn't want to go anywhere, so I leave for a while when I can. I am glad that I can do that. I do wish she would go to AL. I do wish my brothers would come get her sometimes. I do wish she were nicer. But it is what it is and I just do what I can. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do it, because I am so beaten down. Then I'll have to make decisions for myself and let someone else handle the things here. There's no telling how much longer it will be -- tomorrow or 10 years.

It would all be so easy if they were pleasant.
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Correction: she has gotten worse with her increasing demands(physically,mentally,emotionally), criticisms & dependency.
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((Hugs)) to you. Your story is my story. After 16 years of taking care of my mom, I have finally reached the point of burnout. I don't know your financial/supportive situation, but I decided to work an extra day@ my job& pay for a wonderful caregiver to relieve me for 2 days. Of course, as expected,mom cried & laid the mandatory guilt on me, but I am in survival mode now( I guess I'm a slow learner in this instance,but none the less). It has gotten worse with her increased demands(physically ,mentally,emotionally) criticisms, I and dependency. I have finally reached the point where I know my responsibility is that she is safe & needs are met, she, not me, is responsible for her own happiness. Now I have a better outlook when I return to care for her, because of the respite care. I know, as a caregiver, we may find it difficult to ask for outside help & we can be very hard on ourselves because we put high expectations on ourselves, but if don't love & take care of ourselves, WE are the ones to lose it all.
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Lots to consider, just that it sounds as if you are looking for a rational solution, some judge or arbiter who will say, "you are doing enough and you (to your mom), don't complain, praise more, and plan more of your own activities."

Even if you're right, it's true that she is deteriorating, and you may realize it before she does. I've found that it is exhaustion that taught me how to set my boundaries and limits, for I also felt that it matters that love is included in my effort to care. If genuine love or respect is lost because I'm tired, afraid or resentful, it is in the interests of the whole relationship, which does not heal, I believe, unless love is there - but love is not just a lovely feeling of accommodating someone else all the time - it's only the result of making a decision at SOME times to accommodate and try, and otherwise to separate.

I'd suggest, that if you find yourself zoning out as she talks, try to end the talks then, rather than pretend and resent. Tell her, "sorry, I'd like to understand but I can't follow right now, I'm tired or thinking of something else. I'll leave for a while, see you in a couple of hours.

Take time to experiment with what time do you want and need, instead of focusing on how she should behave, or imagining how you should. Yes, she should behave more nicely, but if you managed the contact explicitly, made a minute or two to listen - but stopped her when she began to elaborate on negatives or give too many requests or complaints in a row - I used to tell the old lady, that I'm glad to be there and care about her and am trying to help as best I can, and it's also not my job to listen her criticize me, so I'll leave now, and come and check on her later (and take a break. Sometimes even 10 min apart was enough for her to collect herself and be nicer. then do one or two more tasks, and plan breaks, and enough days for yourself also.) Focusing on creating positive additions to the home, rather than on interpreting what's wrong, can maybe help - and if LOTS more break time is needs, start making lists of locations, people to talk with, about getting that!
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