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I agree with NanC....your Mom is way up in years. Sounds like she is very healthy though which is a very good thing.
However....I doubt you will outlive her at the rate you are going - your stress will manifest in physical ailments - ie: high blood pressure, depression, agitation, etc. Your mom has not a care in the world.
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Suzettebrown, how true that is about physical ailments of us grown children trying to help our parents.

Even though what I am dealing with in regard to my parents is very simple compared to what other caregivers are going through, it has caused undo amount of stress on me these past 5 years, and that has caused numerous serious health problems.

Stress causes our immune system to drag its feet, thus the immune system can't fight off the bad cells.... I honestly believed the stress caused my cancer, because there were no other triggers.
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OM gosh, I am so sorry and feel so badly for you. I know exactly how you feel, trust me. PLEASE read my book - it is honest and raw and laid out emotionally. I believe your body and spirit can handle no more. It is possible to place parent's into a convalescent center? I would def look into that - for your own sanity. I shared my blog because I KNEW I couldn't handle Mom living with my family. I would have been no good to anyone. My B/P was already soaring, I worked full-time, as did my husband, a teenage son, and fulltime caregiver - one day I contemplated driving over the Coleman Bridge here in Gloucester....I didn't - but the stress was unreal.
I am no fancy doctor, have no degrees, but years of notes, frustration and journaling allowed me to write a book that is real.
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Makes3, there IS something wrong with her memory and YES you should download suzette's book on Kindle for a very small fee. It will be a real eye opener.
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I have to say the Italian old time people are soooooo incredibly hard to deal with....my mother also wanted to be in every inch of my married life, and as well as my sisters, and had something to say about every move we made.She and her sisters were battlers, always fighting with each other and in their children's lives as well...my father was just same as her though...not some meek little man and their fights were violent, even getting him jailed once..the one thing I can say now that my mother lives with me is that I run the show here....I have given up 90% of my life to have her here in what should be the best years of my life. I don't run the business I own, can't travel to see my toddler grandsons grow up, so believe me I don't take an ounce of crap from someone who gave me tons of it
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I have a mother who wont allow us to bring in anyone strong to help us lift her move her all she does is wail and cry We have to get a new bed in and my dad and I arent strong enough to move her anymore and its battle after battle with her She is afraid we are gonna put her in a nursing home Im at wits end I dont know what to do ???
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How about a plan to sell her house and purchase or build a duplex or home with a Mother In law Suite? She can be close enough for safety but you would have your own "space?"
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How about selling her place and ourchasing a Duplex or building a house( or remodel) wityh a Mother in Law Suite? That way she will be close for safety but you and your Husband will have your own space.
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AHeart1959 is your mother bed-bound? How do you and Dad get her up to change her sheets, etc.? How would you evacuate her in the case of a fire or other emergency? Would her doctor order an assistive device such as a Hoyer lift? The situation doesn't sound safe.

What do you mean she won't allow you bring in someone strong enough to help? How can she stop you? Do what needs to be done, explain to the helper to expect wailing and crying and get on with it. Perhaps after this happens a few times it will help your mother see that you are not carting her off the the nursing home each time you need to move her.

No one wants to see their mother/wife wail and cry. Of course not. But don't let her behavior blackmail you into not doing what needs to be done for her sake.

Your profile says Mom has diabetes. Are there also some cognitive issues going on here?

Are you working with any agencies?
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AHeart, if your mother doesn't have dementia, it might be worthwhile to tell her she has a choice, you hire someone strong, or she has to go to a facility. If you hurt your back so that you're imobilized, where does that leave her? You need to stay healthy, for her sake if not for your own.
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I have made those suggestions and all we get is anger and tell Dad and I to leave Move out Words like weaklings you are so stupid and hurtful non solving issues and words I told her its unsafe We have no choice but get the fire dept here so we can get her safely out of bed to put the bed in
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I feel like Im in a mental ward here my poor father is gonna have a heart attack
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Unfortunately, it does sound as though your mom is having cognitive issues. You need to call her doctor and explain what is happening. Anti-anxiety meds may make all the difference in the world.
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Her diabetic doctor dumped her because he refuses to come to our home to see her and her She has to go to him and her pride will not allow us to get someone to help
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I would think that a doctor treating diabetes (an endocrine doctor) might be reluctant to make house calls because s/he almost certainly needs blood and urine tests. Does she have a regular primary care physician? It sounds like a situation in which the doc could order a visiting nurse to come and evaluate.

What is causing her to be bed or chairbound?
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Aheart, you are far from stupid. You're here and you're listening to folks who have been in your shoes! Your poor mom is scared. Don't take her words to heart.
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Wailing and moaning can be manipulative control and/or congitive decline.
In either case, so what?
She has to be moved and it can be a strong person to do it at home or a strong person to do it at a facility. One or the other.

You have to also let yourself have permission to make the hard decisions about what is in your best interest as well as hers. We would not let a stubborn little child walk all over us, but we will let out parents simply because they seem to be adults. At some point, their reasoning is not that of an adult anymore and you are going to have to take the reigns to keep her and yourself safe. Nobody's mom has ever been happy to let this happen, but it has to, and has happened to billions of people with aged mothers. It's the way it is when we are all living so long.

Having a husband run off to his office would stop in my house. If I have to be out there with her, so does he. This kind of this a really bad habit to get into that can lead to bad places for a marriage. It builds resentment and other hard feelings. I can't be physically close to someone I resent and have anger toward. Bailing on you to deal with it all by yourself is pretty crappy if I may say so.

I encourage you to put some strong boundaries in place, stand up for what YOU need, and think ahead to the day you can no longer be her care provider. Tour some nursing homes and see what there is in the community. Mentally get yourself ready for changes. There will never be a better day or a good time for this kind of change, but you don't want to wait until you have a crisis on your hands to be forced to act.

Sometimes the promise to keep mom at home is no longer possible and you should not feel obligated or boxed in. Do what makes sense now and for the future when her need level increases to preserve your sanity, health, well being, and her safety and security.
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Sandwich, it's not Aheart's husband who runs to the office, that was the OP, lol.
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This is what happens when I try to multitask at the end of a long week! Oops! My bad!
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Your story brings to mind anl old saying: The first thing to do when you feel like you are being treated like a rug is to *get up off of the floor*. I actually like hubby's idea of retreating to a separate area. Personally I use Starbucks. Rather than go home after a full day of work, make a habit of going elsewhere. I expect you are old enough the kids are out of the house. Let Hubby know where you are. Turn your cell phone off. Possibly get a second cheapie one from Walmart with a top secret number in case your husband really needs to talk to you. Go to the YMCA and soak in the hot tub in the evenings. i.e., make yourself scarce. I don't have much of a spine either and my mother is a professional spine stomper, always has been. Boundaries are essential in your relationship with this woman and she is not respecting yours at all. So, easier than confronting her and arguing with her constantly, make yourself scarce for a few months. If she wants to go out with you, the only place you are going is to the assisted living communities for a tour and lunch/dinner. Find a hangout where she can't drive and find you. If she does find you, change hangouts. Rent your own office but stay out of her emotional grasp for a while. When she doesn't have you to torment, she may decide she can do better elsewhere. You are going to feel guilty no matter what, so you may as well pick a path that will allow you a little quality of life for yourself. The first rule of rescuing another is be sure you are able to save yourself, then worry about the other guy. If you are not healthy and happy you make easy prey. God bless you and the rest of us, too.
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