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Mom has dementia and lately has bringing up things from the past (her driver's license, insurance, car, key to her old house, pipes freezing in the old house) and we haven't figured out how to change the subject. Any ideas?
daddysfavorite, I think it would best to just let your Mom talk about those things since that is what is currently in her brain loop.
Is she talking about wanting to drive? Just make up a "therapeutic fib" that you feel she will accept... such as her car is in the shop and will be ready next week. Since Mom has dementia chances are she will forget you said that.
The conversation this evening was "Is my van still at my house?" "Yes" "Do I have insurance?" "No, you don't drive." "I have my driver's license" "No, you don't, they don't let people over 90 drive" (little fib there) "If I can't drive, why do I have insurance." "you don't have insurance." Is my van still at my house? Yes Do I have insurance? No, you don't drive. I have my driver's license. No, you don't, they don't let people over 90 drive. then we added "maybe you should give the van to your son" and she said "do I have to pay for his insurance?" (no) Is my van still at my house? ... for 45 minutes. A family can only listen for so long before we want to bang our heads against the wall. We love Mom, but letting her talk it out doesn't work. Maybe I just needed to vent, but if anyone has been there and has been able to figure out how to shorten the loop, I'd appreciate some suggestions.
You don't need to change the subject. Go along with it as freqflyer suggests. From your profile your doing a great job. The next thing is to become familiar with how to interact with your mom. "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" is an excellent book that can help you do just that. Your library may have a copy or order it from Amazon.
With my dad I would turn the tables a little on him. After answering the same question a dozen times I’d ask him about his grandad. What was that road he lived on etc. Dad still had lots of long term memories and he’d launch into stories about the olden days. Then ask his same question again or maybe a new one. This is just the way it goes with dementia.
As others have said - let her vent her worries once, maybe twice - then redirect - most elders with dementia will follow your lead. Perhaps turn her concerns about her car/driving into a convo about some of the places she has gone in that car.... or offer her a cup of tea as someone suggested. Understand that she is stuck in a loop that is making her anxious, and she doesn't want to feel that way - she needs/wants your help to get out of that anxious place. It's not about the car/insurance/driving, it's about how she FEELS in the moment.
why change the subject? Ask what her concerns are. "I need my license". Your response. They are closed today we can go another day. "I need my car" Your response. It is in the shop having repairs done, it will be a while before it is done. "I can't find my key" Your response. Well let's look for it, then after a minute say lets sit down for a cup of tea and a bit of a snack.(or you could actually "find" some miscellaneous key) "I am worried about the pipes freezing" Your response. It is not cold enough to have the pipes freeze. The important thing is to acknowledge her concern and give a response that will alleviate any fears or anxiety that she might have.
We call it “go along with the ride”. We just keep asking questions or comments to continue the journey. As the story evolves, she usually forgets the original question. For example, my mom was worrying about driving to Richmond. I told her we could go, but then I told her, wait a minute, I needed about $20 for gasoline for the car. Then I asked if I could borrow the money from her for the gas. But then I added she may not have it since the first of the month isn’t for 2 more weeks. And I explained that I don’t have the gas money either until payday which is in another week. And then, I kept adding complications to the story: I needed another $20 for the return trip from Richmond, what if the car ran out of gas, who could let us borrow the money. Within minutes she had forgotten the original question.
When she gets stuck in a predictable question loop, maybe write down her questions and then your (simplied or "fib-ified") answers on a piece of paper and point to them for her to read.
"Is my van still at my house?" No, you sold it because you decided you didn't want to drive anymore .
I know it is exhausting to keep responding but you don't have to. You can also walk out of the room or put on headphones or run the noisy vacuum cleaner. Or just shrug your shoulders to each question without making eye contact. This is what I've done because I find pointless conversation very draining. She's going to keep asking anyway so do what exhausts you the least but still keeps her in a calm state. Blessings to you!
Yes, it requires a great deal of patience to deal with an elder with dementia. The constant repetitive questions are enough to drive you batty. With my mother, I'll answer most of her questions the first time during each visit. However, I can often distract her by quickly interjecting another subject before she goes into that repetitive loop of asking the same question over and over again during a visit. Sometimes this works but, it's never easy because it's not a totally normal conversation.
My sister used to say it's like they take a record down off the shelf and begin playing it over and over with the needle stuck. This happens in their brains, where thoughts get stuck and get repeated umpteenth times. Usually with my dad I could just ignore the first question and change the subject thereby getting his "needle out of the groove". Da** dementia! So frustrating for the caregivers when this happens.
This is not unusual for people with dementia. They keep playing the same loop over and over, and then they may switch to a different loop. You could try asking her if she'd like to take a walk or sit outside (in good weather), or if she'd like something to drink, etc. It depends on what state her mind is in and how much she can have a conversation. With my mother, who now isn't communicative, I just tell her things that are happening with me and the family. I try to keep the conversation upbeat.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is she talking about wanting to drive? Just make up a "therapeutic fib" that you feel she will accept... such as her car is in the shop and will be ready next week. Since Mom has dementia chances are she will forget you said that.
"Is my van still at my house?" "Yes"
"Do I have insurance?" "No, you don't drive."
"I have my driver's license" "No, you don't, they don't let people over 90 drive" (little fib there)
"If I can't drive, why do I have insurance." "you don't have insurance."
Is my van still at my house? Yes Do I have insurance? No, you don't drive. I have my driver's license. No, you don't, they don't let people over 90 drive. then we added "maybe you should give the van to your son" and she said "do I have to pay for his insurance?" (no) Is my van still at my house? ... for 45 minutes.
A family can only listen for so long before we want to bang our heads against the wall. We love Mom, but letting her talk it out doesn't work. Maybe I just needed to vent, but if anyone has been there and has been able to figure out how to shorten the loop, I'd appreciate some suggestions.
Ask what her concerns are.
"I need my license". Your response. They are closed today we can go another day.
"I need my car" Your response. It is in the shop having repairs done, it will be a while before it is done.
"I can't find my key" Your response. Well let's look for it, then after a minute say lets sit down for a cup of tea and a bit of a snack.(or you could actually "find" some miscellaneous key)
"I am worried about the pipes freezing" Your response. It is not cold enough to have the pipes freeze.
The important thing is to acknowledge her concern and give a response that will alleviate any fears or anxiety that she might have.
"Is my van still at my house?"
No, you sold it because you decided you didn't want to drive anymore .
I know it is exhausting to keep responding but you don't have to. You can also walk out of the room or put on headphones or run the noisy vacuum cleaner. Or just shrug your shoulders to each question without making eye contact. This is what I've done because I find pointless conversation very draining. She's going to keep asking anyway so do what exhausts you the least but still keeps her in a calm state. Blessings to you!
She wondered around in her wheelchair all day and night. She would constantly argue with the other residents and the staff.
I would see her everyday. She was always by the front door looking out of the windows.
She would hail me down and beg me to bring her to the parking lot to find her car.
One woman nearby who wasn’t fond of her told me to ignore her.
She said that she asked all the visitors to help her find her car.
She would say that she had to get home to her son.
She thought she had a young child at home. It was sad to hear her tell me this.
Talk about stuck in a loop!
One day I did ask her to tell me about her son. It was fascinating. She told me his name.
Out of curiosity I looked up his name on my phone. He lived nearby.
I asked another resident about him. She told me that her son came to visit her once in awhile but this woman only remembered him as a young boy.
She doesn’t know him as an adult. It was heartbreaking to hear about her life.
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