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BurntCaregiver Sep 2021
Amen to that, Cover99
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I'm of the ilk that people should be grateful for the blessings they're shown. And you're showing your mother a TON of blessings by caring for her daily. You don't deserve to be asked why you're 'mad', but told how lovely you look and thanked for all you do. She should tell you how delicious the food is that you serve her, and how grateful she is for all the hard work you put in on her behalf. But that's not going to happen, I guess, because she may not be grateful, or, she cannot properly express herself, who knows? I do know that my own mother has never been grateful for ONE thing in her entire life of 94.5 years. A couple of months ago my DH and I were trying to get her to acknowledge ONE blessing in her life and she would not do so; she could not think of ONE thing to be grateful for, which we found to be astonishing. Some people are glass half empty types, and my mother is one of them; perhaps yours is too.

My mother lives in Memory Care Assisted Living b/c I could never care for her in my home; I just couldn't and wouldn't. Maybe now is the time for you to either bring in hired help or look into placement for your mother. There comes a time when a person has to Cry Uncle, and this may be your time. Burn out is no joke; please don't become a statistic where your mother outlives YOU b/c of all the stress you're under! God forbid.

Wishing you the best of luck looking after YOURSELF now! You deserve to.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
"Some people are glass half empty types, and my mother is one of them..."

Sounds more like your mother is the "glass is empty AND dirty and you left it for me to clean up!"
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I think a nice talk with how you feel will help because it can lead to her feeling that vibe and react in ways you will not appreciate it. How does she treat you instead other than not thanking you. She might feel that you already know how grateful she is and doesn’t feel like she has to say it. Is there people that can help? Maybe she doesn’t know your feelings about being a caregiver. Talk to her. Also call the health and human services office and they can possibly help find you assistance if you qualify. My grandmother didn’t qualify for Medicaid but she qualified for that
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Do not ever start caregiving for a parent, especially, and expect gratitude. It is more likely that you will become the reason for all their problems. Some people are just not emotionally prepared to be a caregiver. And that is ok.
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I would be honest. First, you also are a Senior. Tell her "I really don't like being a Caregiver especially when I get no thank you for what I do for you." I believe in being direct.
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marymary2 Sep 2021
To the original poster, if you are honest, as others suggest scale down your expectations. I read recently a celebrity with a narcissistic mother was told by her (the celeb) shrink: "don't go to the hardware store for ice cream."
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Get some help for yourself. Maybe you should change the dynamics here. Have someone else provide care. Just do it. If Mom is 96 that means you are no Spring chicken yourself. Find some help in the community so you aren't resentful of what you are doing. And stop expecting her to do something she doesn't do. It will be easier if you can lower your expectations of what you think she should do.
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Toomush Sep 2021
My mother is 99. She lives with my wife and I. It drives my wife crazy that she never asks for something outright, or says "please". She'll say "I don't suppose there's any coffee?" or "I can't seem to find my sweater" or "what should I do with this phone?" She will say "thank you", mostly in a generic way. I think it all has to do with not showing weakness. Neither my wife nor my mother have ever been wrong in their lives, so there is some tension. I'm guessing all this started in a different place and a time long ago. Lowered expectations are the best expectations...
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