The people who should be the most supportive are the least supportive. Are my family dynamics unique?

No, sadly they are not.

Lots of posters here have ended up with fractured family relationships due to caregiving.

Look up a technique called "grey rock". It's a way of managing toxic people who you must stay in contact with.

Please feel free to vent away! Be aware that some of us may give you unwanted advice, or suggest other ways of doing things, but you arecfreecto take it or leave it! We mean well and we care.

Sandy - you are most certainly not alone.

I am like you and still trying to resolve the triggers.

My sister has come once in 23 months (she is in another state). Anything I have asked her to help with - (which really have become pretty basic tasks now as she never follows through) still lacks any actual follow through or effort. In her spare time she is on Facebook while I’m researching stroke puzzles and activities.

I put her on FaceTime with mom usually once a week - it starts off with a text the day before of her saying “I can FT mom at 4:15 tomorrow” her texts also included “but I have a client at 5:15 so I can only talk till then” or the text includes the list of things she has to do before she talks to mom and why she can’t talk until 4:15. Then comes the day of text - “I’m running late and have to stop at the post office or stop by and get a signature from someone so it will be more like 4:45 - I will text you when I am ready. So my day now adds in checking my cell phone from 4:15-5:00 to see if she text to say “I’m ready”.
(Realize if I tell her this is more work and to commit to her day and time - she will freak out tell me “she is doing the best she can and stop judging her” which then means mom is punished by no phone call. This is the “best” a grown 54 year old woman can do - who has her own business - like me and can make her own schedule - has helped her husband run not one but 2 election campaigns in the middle of moms stroke recovery - but she cannot figure out how to help me - “believe people when they show you who they are” - my sister is a victim of self pity for herself - she doesn’t think about a mom who is mostly bedridden and what that feels like - she doesn’t want to know what waiting all day for a FaceTime call from family feels like to someone like mom in bed - it feels really long - as does the additional 45 minutes she adds onto the “being late”. It really breaks my heart.

Mom has a schedule (which every once in awhile may have a change or additional appt in there) but for the most part it’s a set schedule.
Monday - gone all day out of the house
Tuesday - nursing and OT
wed - PT private and talks to granddaughter FT etc and so on.
My sister is always Thursday FaceTime and every Thursday it’s a problem.
I have begun to wonder how much longer I can play the game with her. I do this solely for my mom - only for my mom but now almost 3 years later she still cannot commit ever to one hour a week on FaceTime (while constantly trying to defend her own guilt by saying if she lived closer she would be here and help more) and yet every Thursday she is still late or delayed - creating more work for me and yes more triggers. She will then blame me for “the stress she has because she is late talking to mom” when she creates the stress when she doesn’t cannot commit to her own schedule that she CHOSE to do with mom. I didn’t choose her date or her time or even her doing the call. She did.
There comes a time when what they bring to the table is more work - they need to be set free. I’m about there….or I’m trying my hardest to get there. I have stopped telling mom an exact time I just say “she will be calling later today”.

But I want you to know you are NOT alone. You will probably have to make a resolve that the family will not help you - so when they do it will feel like a bonus and less like a trigger. As I said I am still navigating this myself. It’s a tough one for sure. I do hope and wish you find peace with it sooner rather than later. It’s stinks - biggest hug that your not alone at all. 🦋

Are you his POA for Finances and Medical? If so, you are not obligated to tell them anything. Your responsibility is to Dad only. You should not discuss his finances with anyone else or his Medical. If he is not incompetent, then he can put who he wants on his HIPPA forms. If incompetent then your it. You make all the decisions based on how you feel Dad would do it. You are his representative.

Don't say anything to them, then they can't criticize. Seems they aren't sympathetic or willing to help anyway. Your in this alone. You are his Caregiver, you handle things the way you want to. If family doesn't like how you handle things you can tell them "then you can take over his care". Bet they back off then.

Could you please fill out your profile. Helps us to know a little more about who you are caring for and you. Like, how old is Dad. Does he live in his own home, your home, or a facility. What are his health problems. This info really helps us in answering your questions.

Next time your family members start to criticize your caregiving abilities, ask them what time they would like you to drop off your father to their house for a few months? That should shut them up in hurry.
No sadly your family dynamics are not unique, as it's always easier for someone looking in, to offer suggestions, then to actually offer help.
Keep up the good work.

In my family it has gotten to the point that I had to block my brother from my phone and facebook. My neice does not want to have anything to do with me because she is mad at me for not giving her more money for her college education after she spent over $53,000.00 of it up in over a year. Neice is pregnant and just recently had a baby shower - I was not invited. Thats fine - but still hurts a little. We don't spend christmas with everybody over there - just momma - that stopped two years ago because of another incident and I do not knowledge birthdays and such. They never do. When my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer - nobody called to check on us or see how he was doing. Momma is 87 and I just try to focus taking care of her. She gets messed up in all of the drama so I have learned to either cut her off or hang up when she gets started. I know it is hard and hurtful coming from your so called family but you have to take care of you first and then your momma.

Sadly, you are describing the 'norm', not the unique.

My mom lives with my YB and his family. He hovers over her and that's by his choice. Trying to get the other 4 sibs involved is a joke. I'll do what I can, but the other 3 sibs need a push.

For the most part, unless contacted and ASKED to step up and help, they will do nothing, and it could be a year or more without contact. OS will give a generous check to any cause mom needs, but won't do hands on anything. Other YB is a 'Dr. no-shot' and won't do anything that might upset mom. YOUNGEST sister is just now getting her 2 boys out into the world and she has a very stressful job. No spare time.

As far as hands on, I have stepped way back and do very little for mom. She'll ask IF you happen to call her (she doesn't call people, she waits for us to call her).

I had to take a break from driving her to bingo once a week when I had major foot surgery 5 weeks ago. When I was driving her, she could amazingly figure out how to call me every single Monday night to remind me! As soon as I had to hand this little task over to YB, she stopped calling. I probably can't drive her and manuver MY knee scooter AND her walker AND her and get her safely to BINGO for months yet. I don't know. But I do know that once I was no longer of help, the phone calls STOPPED.

When she passes, I really think my family will fracture for good.

Sadly this sounds all too familiar. I had five siblings (lost one years ago) when my mom was declining and needing assistance. None of them were there when help was needed. One helped drive me places occasionally but otherwise I was on my own.

I no longer have a relationship with them apart from a strained e-mail or phone call occasionally. They showed me who they were (which I had already suspected to be honest) and now I believe them. They are selfish, critical, self-absorbed, you name it.

I used to wonder after we had all grown up and moved out of the home why after family get-togethers I would be depressed for days afterward. It wasn't till my mom got old and needed help that I realized,"these people aren't that nice"

Have you ever walked into a situation and immediately felt judged and scrutinized? Welcome to my family.

I am a Christian woman and I know that I need to forgive to be forgiven. To not judge or criticize etc. But it's very hard with my family. For me it's best to love them from afar. Very far!

Your family might fracture for good after your mom passes and you know what, maybe that's all for the best. For you!

That's quite common. I have no family left, other than my Mom who I caregive for. Am noticing that friends have NO interest whatsoever about what I'm going through.

Have learned not to complain to anyone because they will just ignore me and not respond. Or, if they do respond - they tell me I'm stupid for not putting her in a nursing home.

Unfortunately, many people are self-centered jerks. (So I've recently learned.)

Caregiving has taught me to be quiet, to not complain, and to not ever ask for help from those I know. Because all that will happen are denials and judgement. A hard lesson at this point of my life.

Just chiming in as well,

I believe your experience is pretty normal in these caregiving situations. People who don't provide care are clueless and ignorant and best avoided if the situation accommodates to that. It's true that some contact with them is sometimes unavoidable but do the best you can. Expect to be triggered and you might find sometime, that you have moved past that and don't give a hoot what they think or say. F' em!

My older brother has never helped with Mom or my Dad (he just passed away in May after being in the nursing home for 11 years). He did visit Dad and goes and sees Mom but he is not involved in helping or caregiving at all. I once asked him to take Mom to an appt. but he barked at me "what are you doing?" so I walked away and told Mom he wouldn't take her.

As long as your Dad is getting what he needs, and you are able to help him out with that, then that's good enough.

Take Care.

This is so common, unfortunately, with family members showing zero support & total indifference. They take your being a caregiver for granted, which hurts a lot.

Dear Sandy,

I am so sorry to hear what you are dealing with. I know it's deeply hurtful that our own siblings and extended family cannot show us anymore compassion and empathy.

Being the oldest daughter I was the default caregiver for my father. I still carry a lot of resentment and anger towards my sisters. I wanted them to care about me and my father. I might as well asked for a lottery win.

I've read so many threads at AgingCare about resentment and family estrangement after caregiving. Try to do what you feel is right. I'm glad you're getting support outside of your family though. For myself, I really wished I was better at accepting help and recognizing my own limitations when it came to caring for my dad.

I know a nursing home isn't right for everyone but maybe this is something you can consider.

Please know we are with you.

I understand. Unless you've been in our shoes, some people have no clues. As you know, taking care of someone with Dementia is a constant juggling act, like the old acts of watching someone juggling lots of plates in the air at once. I even wrote a book about Hubby and I taking care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." My mom just couldn't handle Assisted Living, (we tried it for a week, and it just didn't work), so we became the caregivers. Some people who haven't "walked the walk" that we have, think taking care of your kin is akin to taking care of kids. No, it's not. You can put a baby in a crib or put a mis-behaving toddler in time-out. Try that with a parent; it's apparent that wouldn't work. Some people will never understand, so it's good that many of your friends and colleagues do. Best of luck.

I understand where you are coming from in a nutshell. I have been taking care of my brother in law for the past 8 years and now his side wants to be big cheese in taking care of him. Where were they when he needed help the before years. Its a constant battle between us. They think they know it all when it comes to diet which he is a diabetic and physical exercises. They feed him the things they eat which they aren't a diabetic and the exercises they think he can do things that he shouldn't be doing because of his strength. Its going to be a battle until he either gets put into a place or they kill him. He is prisoner in his own home they do not let him go for walks alone at all. His state of mind is getting worse no outside stimulation.

The best is cut them out of your life take care of your father like you have been and feel that you are doing the right things. If a place for your father ever comes up try it assisted living or nursing home. I have found out if they pick it they will probably stay there because it means home to them.

Prayers for you and your father.

I am just glad my toxic sisters are staying away for now. They keep in touch by phone (to talk about their money problems and gaslight her about her duty to support the grandkids) but she doesn't want them to visit (I think this has more to do with her fear that I will move out and she'll no longer have her Girl Friday).
I dread the time when they will come back into my life.

No, they’re not unique! It seems there is a tremendous lack of natural affection these days.

you are not different than a lot of families. they are the first to criticize but never want to really help out......because they don't have time. thats the excuse. friends most likely have been thru this themselves. i worked with a woman from a family of 12 and she was the only one for years that took care of her father, then mother until she finally put a stop to it and made a schedule for others to help out. it always looks better from the outside and people can offer suggestions that only the caregiver knows whether or not it will work. If they continue tell them they are more than welcome to come help for 3 weeks while you need a break to get caught up on your own health. I bet they stop making suggestions/comments. I wish you luck..........

not at all. I have exact same dynamics plus in two months already spent $750 in dad expenses and 3K extra miles on my car with not even a thank you. Come to find they got my parents to redo a trust for 3rd time that removed me as the primary trustee.

Once my parents go, down South I go without a good bye.

No, not unique at all. My nephew murdered my sister in April, 2020. My mom was living alone at the time and had mild dementia. We took her into our home the night of the murder; she was so traumatized, she said she could not go back home and live alone. My sister's husband, his son from another marriage and my oldest nephew caused nothing but problems for us. I won't elaborate, but it was horrible. They never once offered to help empty out mom's home and sell it. We did all of the care and I was working full time. After about 5 months, I had to quit my job because it was too much trying to work full time and care for mom. All my sister's family did was cause real trouble for us.

In the same situation here. Mother is 88 I am 57, hold a full time job, jungle my own life etc and am responsible for a great deal of my mom's care etc. My sister *should* be supportive of this but she harps on how she got all the blame growing up and I could do anything. She makes up lies and tells her kids, then I get it from them. Like you, I am ready to walk away ( some days run away) and finally have somewhat of a life.

I have three adult children that do not even check if I am alive. My husband (there father ) has early onset alzheimers I have been taking care of him for 7 years all our friends and his old college friends have ghosted us. I am feeling like I cannot talk to anybody because they do not care. Last time I talked to my oldest son he said he does not care where we put dad because he will not visit. Broke my heart. I have three grandkids that they try to hold over my head , they don't understand that I have a child of my own to take care of 24/7 that is know peeing where he feels like it. Just wanted to vent having a awful day.

Thank you for asking the question that I want an answer to as well! I am so sorry you have to deal with unhelpful people who ALSO think they know how to do what you do better. They are selfish fools. My mom age 85 w/ dementia has lived with my family for 4.5 years. My sister, who lives 2.5 hours away has told me “I don’t see a role for myself in providing respite care.” She comes down 2-3 times/year and stays for 3 hours. My brother lives 7 miles(!) away and he and or his wife come over maybe once every other month and stay for 30 minutes. My mother asks me every day “Do you know why they’ve given up on me?” I fight the resentment everyday.

No one really knows what a Caregiver goes through unless they've been there.

You might ask each of them to care for Dad one day a week to give you a break.

Or maybe they act like it's nothing because they're afraid you're going to ask them to help out.

Tell them since they think it's no big deal then they shouldn't mind each volunteering 1 day a week to help you out.

I feel your pain. We are/were a small family, mom/Dad, sister and me (male). I'm 65, retired and live with my mother. Dad died 20 years ago. My mother is 89 and has some cognitive problems. My sister lives 10 minutes away, refuses to help mom out (she hates me and has told me this to my face), and is only good for buying an occasional item. My sister is a bitter, hurtful woman who is the ultimate "Victim". She is unwilling to come over and help take care of mom. Instead, she is completely into her daughters upcoming wedding. She calls mom up to "remind" her that she is the grandmother and should be giving gifts to her daughter. She has one grown child who lives at home. I pay my nephew (he is 31) to come over and watch her sometimes. I have concluded that my sister will never help out. Her excuse is that she hates me and does not want to see me, so she refuses to come over. Out family dynamics are in the toilet. I cringe at the upcoming holidays ( Thanksgiving, Christmas, my sister's upcoming Birthday) My sister seems to think Mom will get better and attend her daughter's wedding, which is a laugh. My mother's mobility is now so limited she can barely get from her bed to the living room. The whole thing is a bitter joke.

You certainly are not alone and I feel your frustration and pain. I keep reminding myself that I can only control my actions and I know that I will never regret the time spent caring for my mom. I truly believe you need to treat people the way you would want to be treated. You aren't going to change them and I have actually found that their casual engagement actually is a detriment as they don't know what in the heck is going on with my mom. Not sure how they rationalize all of this but we know they do know what they should be doing and they have to live with that. Hang in there and keep doing the right things.

No. Your family dynamic is not unique. It is in fact it is unusual to find a family who does not behave exactly like yours does when there's a caregiving situation involving and elder.
When people become new parents their siblings and family who have had kids before them relate very easily to everything they talk about because they've done it. They're usually helpful or offer good advice too.
When it comes to caring for an elder, unless they've actually had an experience with it they just don't get it. Or they think that you're dramatizing or being a martyr about it and it's no big deal. Yet they contribute little to nothing in the way of assistance to the person who figuratively speaking drew the short straw and is the one taking all the responsibility of caring for the elder.
I've been in elder homecare for almost 25 years and have seen your family dynamic more times that I could count. I'm also living in it myself. I am the sole caregiver to my elderly parent. I have one full sibling who does absolutely nothing except criticize and offer her useless advice and opinions which are worth less than a wooden nickel. She knows what our mother's abuse was like because she witnessed it first hand. She witnessed her sister (me) always on the receiving end of it. She did not take her anger, rage, and frustration out on her. My sister remembers and understands, but she won't step up and help. She won't validate me in any way either. My sister is a smart woman and knows that if she ever did, she might have to take on some of our mother's care.
As for your family thinking your negative outlook is the problem, tell them to take over and see first hand how quickly your outlook improves. It's one thing to do the drudgery of elderly caregiving as a job for pay because like any job, you have a life outside of work. When a person's work day ends and they have to go to their next job of elder caregiving, that's impossible. The person doing this will have a nervous breakdown. I'm pretty sure I had one and very likely am having another.
If you have any other options, take them. Bring in hired help for your father or put him in a care facility. Forget about what your family thinks. You don't have to wait until your father is gone to walk away from these people. Do it now. For your own sake, don't wait. Myself, I'm between a rock and a hard place and have no other options. So I have to live in my situation. And now my friend, there's a commode full of sh*t with my name on it that needs emptying and a miserable, abusive elder who's hungry. Get out now.

As you can see, your situation is not unique. Very similar to what I have encountered. The best thing in this instance is to seek out other support and solutions, and not give the fam much info since they use it against your efforts. I am so sorry. For me, I got educated on family dynamics and disordered personalities. It helped. I now know that those biting comments come from sad and dysfunctional ppl, so I have gone mostly no contact. Some of the fam threatened legal action to gain access to parent’s funds when they has no standing. Fortunately, my spouse urged me to contact an elder law attorney (I have POA), and that took care of that. I wish you good luck. Know you’re doing the right things, and know they are simply sad, critical and grasping ppl. No - or minimal - contact will help.

Maybe family wants to minimize how much care is needed so they feel less obligated to help and less guilty when they do not help.
Eliminate your "expectations" of who "should be" supportive. What "should be" is coming from you and it is not matching reality. The same dynamic is also often true when there is a death or an illness or any significant time of need.
If support comes from somewhere elsr, be grateful for what comes. Do not lament what does not come.

Family member, siblings, etc can be unsupportive and selfish. My sisters are like that. They contribute nothing to our family or my 83 year old mother's well being and they feel totally justified by it. They simply do not care and are very selfish.
I don't like people like this. I like people who are caring. I limit my interactions with them because of this. I simply cannot give attention to people who want it so desperately and do nothing in return. People who do not give know-nothing about
caregiving!

Sorry, every family has difficult dynamics in some way. No family is perfect. I am glad you have others who are supportive in your life.

When family gives suggestions, you can say. "That sounds wonderful. I'll drop her/him off for you to do this over the weekend." This would probably stop the advice without assistance.

Seriously, you need to find a way to cope with the unhelpful family members since they will be part of your life for a long, long time. Please consider reading one of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. Also consider working with a counsellor while developing a plan to cope with your family. The counsellor is a wealth of resources and an objective assistant.

First, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Second, you are certainly not alone. I’m sure all family dynamics differ, but from my own experience and what I’ve read on this forum, sadly, your situation is really common.
My husband and I were caring for my dad for 5 years. No one else understood how incredibly hard it was, in fact there seemed to be a feeling (from occasional comments made or implied) that we were somehow taking advantage of him (because we were living in his home) or at the least we had life easy because we had no mortgage or rent) As you are aware, we were certainly “paying a price” just in other ways.
We have a couple wonderful adult grandkids of his who would come bring him dinner and hang with him so we could have an evening off, but we had to practically beg my siblings to stay for a few days so we could take a short vacation or something. He recently passed and even now they have no clue how hard it has been or still is (we're so sad over his passing even tho he made us crazy!)
I guess like most of life, no one gets what you’re going through unless they’ve been there themselves. It’s rotten and unfair, but there it is. This group has been helpful for me!