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Family members who are contributing very little seem to think this is not so difficult, and I'm just dramatizing. Or they imply I'm not efficient enough (juggling work + caregiving), or they say my negative outlook is the problem etc. They offer suggestions that are impractical because they have no clue of the actual situation here. I try to limit my contact and seek support elsewhere, but that's not always practical as there has to be some contact with family members. It's triggering every single time. Yet outsiders (friends, coworkers etc) are very supportive, validating, and encouraging. I look forward to the day I can walk away from family completely, after my father is gone. Sad but true. Are my family dynamics unique?

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Glad, I've heard of that. I was thinking if there were a way of giving myself a brain enema I could try that too.🤔 Drink sulphuric acid or something?

Sorry, forgive my gallows humor....
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Gershun, what about writing it all down and then burning it? I have thought about doing that. I have read that can help. Symbolism....
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Typical.
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Glad, I totally relate to your remark about irrational thoughts repeating in your brain. I find myself constantly reliving many moments during my caregiving journey with my mom. Most of the moments I relive are the many scenarios where my siblings were not there when they should have been or were there and criticized how I did things. I can't seem to get past this in my mind. I've hung on to so much resentment towards them that I feel anger still. They on the other hand have totally moved on. In fact I'd hazard to say that they moved on before my mom died. I don't believe they were ever invested enough in her care where they really had anything to move on from. I resent that as well.

I know this is only hurting me. That I could let them have it with both barrels and they would probably not have a clue what I'm talking about. I resent that as well. I feel nothing but resentment towards my siblings now and I would like to get past it. Not sure how to do that though.

I find myself wanting to even type on this forum every little nasty, uncaring thing they did. Would doing this help? Probably not. But I need to find a way to get this out.
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BarbBrooklyn Sep 2021
Gershun, I think you should start a discussion thread called something like "can you believe my siblings?"
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No this is definitely not unique! There see that do the least are the ones most well equipped to tell you how to do things, you betcha!😅😅😅

Nothing like a parent being diagnosed with dementia to compound any dysfunction that there is in a family.

I had to completely detach from mine, the only was I was able to survive. And I still have triggers that send me into a frenzy and irrational thoughts that keep repeating in my brain. I believe in caregiver PTSD. I am sure that is what this is.

I cared for mom for four years and she passed four years ago and I am still recovering from the family dysfunction, which by the was was the hardest part of the caregiving. Good luck, it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
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gladimhere Sep 2021
Dang auto complete! Some of what I write is sure hard to follow!
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No - you are not alone. Siblings and families are often the most critical and see the least. Get one of them to come and take over whilst you go away for a week, don't look forward to the day your father is gone. Get them each to come and take turn of looking after your father whist you take a break - once every six months they will cover you for a few years and get a better idea of what you have to do. Perhaps they do have some good ideas, but if they have tried them out they will know if they are really good an worth talking to you about adopting. Good luck. xx
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Your situation is not unique.

Even Norman Rockwell had to “stage” those perfect family moments he painted.

When we face life’s greatest challenges, that may be when we learn who our true friends really are . . . And that may be a silver lining - to help guide our future allocation of our own most precious resource - time.

Dont think of your family as dysfunctional - think of those individuals as dysfunctional —even though these are difficult times for you, you are functioning impressively.

Who you regard as your true “family” may change as you go through this life transition.

Embrace help from those kind friends who are brave enough to fly into the eye of the hurricane. You are one of those friends yourself.

When you reflect on these relationships you may learn that these people that are disappointing you were never really there for you before. You may have put them on a pedestal of which, it turns out, they weren’t worthy.

Many of us have been there.

(If people criticize you, they probably recognize that they fall into that other category!)
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No, it's not. Your family dynamics are dysfunctional. It sounds like they're putting all of the burden on you and I think I would consider putting him into a facility if it's getting too much for you, especially when they don't give a d*** to help you out.
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You are literally talking about my life. I am having the exact same thing with my family. No one helps or cares or thinks taking care of my father with dementia and my 3 kids by myself is hard at all. I know how bad it hurts your feelings when no one even cares to ask how it’s going. I am one of 5 kids I don’t know how they don’t care like I do. They are all so selfish. I am writing them off when he passed away also! You are an amazing person and you deserve the best family and support system. I believe if the people around you aren’t giving you encouragement and are always bringing you down they aren’t family anyway. I have learned blood means nothing. Being a care taker is the hardest job in the world and you get no pay or anything it would be nice to get a thank you! We should stick together if you ever need to talk or need anything I am here reach out anytime!
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ACaringDaughter Aug 2021
If either of you ever need to talk, you can reach out to me too!

I was in the same situation - also from a large family.

My parents had raised me (and all of us, actually) to take care of family first, so I found myself suffering -when I was going through my biggest nightmare of losing my parents- and my siblings appeared uncaring.

For me the situation got even uglier after my parents passed.

Some people believe forgiving brings peace, but that does not apply to all circumstances.
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Sandy5691: Imho, your family dynamics are quite similar to others, e.g. some family member who is NOT an active caregiver may offer less than helpful suggestions as they have no clue how difficult the task can be.
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That is by no means unique! When my parents started needing help, my sister who lived only 5 mi away totally bailed and said she'd rather jump off the bridge than take care of our impossible narcissistic mother. So my husband and I moved 3000 miles, bought a house and moved them (Dad has since died of cancer) in with us. Because my mother refused to move more than 5 miles away from where she has lived, she decided leaving her state and living with us was out of the question...so we had to leave our children, business and grandkids and move to her. We're still running that business long distance, by the way, while my sister who lives here is retired. Talk about unfair! I at least expected adequate help from her because Mom is on dialysis and needs full-time care. She us extremely difficult with myriad problems constantly. I point blank asked my sister for help, though I thought it should have been obvious. She reluctantly said she'd help one day a week...which started out as 6 hours and has progressively gotten less and less...now her "help" is to take Mom to lunch once a week and a doctor or a store. Total time: 2 to 3 hours. Sometimes twice a week, contributing 4 hours total. We wanted at least a full day for ourselves every week but she's whittled that way down. My other sister is not very well, but she is coming here to stay with Mom for a while so we can go somewhere as we've been nowhere in over a year because the sister that lives here has only grudgingly let us take a vacation for 3 days since January of 2019. We finally practically begged for a few days away a month, and she agreed, again very reluctantly, ... but the second time we tried to arrange it she said "already?!" in her very impatient tone...even though it had been over a month. We didn't ask again. I did go back home for a few months in 2020 because I had to for business, but my husband stayed here to take care of Mom because we knew sister wouldn't. Yes I'm resentful and it's ruined my relationship with my sister. We used to be close, but I never knew about that side of her. I'm trying my best to remain peaceable, but it's very difficult as my mother is extremely difficult, demanding, and impossible with fits of crying and refusing to speak every time we displease her.. holes up in her bedroom and refuses to eat to punish us if we upset her. She's a classic narcissist and trouble never ends. Too many problems to mention, but I sure thought "family" would step up. I feel the same as you...when Mom's gone I don't think I'll have much to do with my "family", though it really pains me to say that.
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Sadly your family relations are very common.
There is one good son or daughter doing all the work while the rest are free loaders. The only time they call is when they want money.
Personally I do not get support from outsiders either. They offer stupid comment like she is old and set in her ways or oh you are exaggerating, she is a good ol girl or boy. They have no concept of the living hell most of us go through every day
This is a good site to come to for support.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2021
hugs!!!!
i agree with what you write.
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Ask any Probate lawyer.
Theres the “giver,” and the “greedy”.
One does it all, the others criticize as they wait for the WILL to be read.
My sisters lawyer called the second I walked in the door after she died!
The greediest one ☝️
I was so angry, I gave him my probate attorneys number.
He told him, “good luck getting paid by the sister.”
Not unique.
Family dynamics show who they are, at death.
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My sister didn't "get it" at all until she stayed with me for a week. Then she realized that I wasn't exaggerating and that she couldn't do what I was doing! I think it is important for family members to experience a "normal" day with you.
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KristineB Sep 2021
My sister flew up from Florida (paid for on moms credit card + rental car) drove her to the credit Union, and withdrew $5,000.00 per trip.
The credit union called me.
Since my mother was in the car, they had to give it to her.
That triggered another probate hearing and the judge cut her off, 💯.
That’s how much help she was.
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Sandy5691
Your family dynamics are, sadly, very common. I have heard, but now know first hand, that no matter how many children in a family, it will be ONE that becomes the main caregiver. Mom has been with me for over a year and I have long stopped wondering when things would become fair.

I have one sister. I retired a year early to bring mom to my home to take care of her. It was in the middle of COVID, and I was told by a doctor that she had "given up." I was afraid she would die alone in the facility where she was living. And yes, I often tell myself that it was me who decided to do this so I should not complain or expect help from my sister. Our relationship was already strained at the time I moved mom in because even at that time, I felt the burden of watching after mom while she lived in the facility.

My sister worked full time at the time I moved mom in with me so I could not expect much from her. Because I asked, she agreed to take mom every other weekend. She picked mom up around 6:00 - 7:00 on Friday after work and brought her back on Sunday evening around the same time. Now she is retired and has no plans to do more than she is already doing. Anything she does is because I ask - she offers nothing.

At one point I told her I needed more help and her response was to put her back in the facility.

We used to be very close but this has put such a wedge between us that once mom is gone, I feel no need to continue a relationship with her.

My emotions are all over the place: anger, resentment, anxiety, sadness, guilt...
I am now in therapy to sort through all this.

I know that God sees what we caregivers are doing - we're doing His work. We're doing what we are asked to do - serving others.

God Bless you. We can't control what others do. We will only answer for our actions.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2021
“We will only answer for our actions.”

agreed!! :)

but i must say, i wish for justice already now.
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My family dynamics are straight out of a nightmare. I really do not even consider them family anymore, except for one cousin.

After dad died close to eight years ago, my mom didn't want to let me out of her sight. I am now 66 years old and have been on disability for years. So after I left my job years ago, I have been living trying to take care of my incredibly dysfunctional father, who passed away close to 8 years ago, only to find myself trying to care for my mother. She was a stubborn woman to begin with, but things really reveved up as she grew older and more controlling.. She would not let me downsize and move out of the house. She refused to look at brochures for assisted living.

She could hardly walk but wanted me to drive her for errands, a d if I wanted to get away for awhile, say to look in a craft store or garden nursery, she wantrd to a accompany me and either wait in the car or enter a store immediately needing a seat.

All these outings were accompanied by a growl from her for me not to take all day browsing. I desperately tried to THROW myself into creative type hobbies like going to art stores and garden nurseries. I needed some diversion and pleasure in my life.

She took none of my suggestions that she needed more than the cane she was using ussteadily. When I mentioned a wheelchair or even a rollater with a seat that she already had, she refused. She repeatedly accused me of not being encouraging to her, even though I did not think she was safe with only the cane. Multiple falls, balance problems.

Finally she fell at home in April 2020, and was disagnosrd with vascular dementia, became unable to stand or walk and became totally incontinent. 8
All but one cousin basically Aliented us from the family..
We went through bs snf's for "REHAB" WHEN THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COIULD FEASIBLY DO... THE PALLIATIVE CARE NURSE AT THE HOSPITAL REFUSED HOSPICE..... SAYING IT WAS NORMAL AGING... I called back to complain when I saw the diagnosis of vascular dementia.

A terminal illness.. I got apologies and the palliative care nurse felt terrible that she wasn't able to do a proper workuo

CUOMO WAS HAVING A LOT OF HOSPITALIZED PATIENTS TRANS FERRED TO NURSING HOMES AND MY MO.M WAS ONE OF THEM.

IT has been a GRUESOME SAGA SINCE APRIL 2020 UNTIL SHE DIED IN MARCH 2021 0N HOME HOSPICE. I CHANGED DIAPERS, TRIRD TO FEED AND DRESS HER.

I HARDLY HEARD FROM ALL BUT ONE COUSIN...... WHEN SHE DIED TWO OF MY COUSINS SENT TEXT CONDOLENCES. ONLY.

AS FAR AS HER FRIENDS, WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE SAID. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MANAGE AS. CAREGIVER? AS FAR AS HELP. ONE FRIEND SAID....
HELP NOT US..

EVERYTHING WAS DOOM... LISTENING TO BIZARREE DELISIONS, HALLUCINATIONS AND ILLUSIONS.

THR SECOND HOSPICE DID HELP OUT BY MAKING SURE I HAD LORAZRPAM AND MORPHIN TO TRY TO EASE HER HORRENDOUS TRANSITION.

AS FAR AS A BRIEF CALL FROM. ONE COUSIN IN A BLUE MOON.
IT WAS ALWAYS CUT SHORT BY THE USUAL I HAVE TO PICK UP MY SON..

WHEN I NEEDED JUST TO TALK, MY MOM'S FIRST COUSIN SNAPPED I AM Faraway. WHY DO YOU LAY THIS ON ME...?
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ONE OF MY FIRST COUSINS INSTEAD.... IT'S MY BED TIME AND MY HUSBAND IS CALLING ME...
. GIVE THAT IT WAS TWO HOURS EARLIER AS SHE WAS IN COLORADO AND I LIVE IN NY.

CAREGIVING WAS HARD BUT ONE NIGHT WHEN MY MOM DEVELOPED C DIFFICILE DIARRHEA.. I COULD NOT KEEP UP WITH DIAPER CHANGING AND CLEANLINESS. I CALLED 911 AND WAS MET WITH BITTER NASTY SOCIAL WORKERS AND AN UnCARING ATTENDING.

THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL AND FINANCIAL COSTS WERE STAGGERING..

FINALLY SHE WAS FORCED TO GO TO. ANOTHER NURSING HOME THE COST OF WHICH WAS EXORBITANT AS THE FIRST SNF USED UP ALL HER REHAB DAYS.

I PULLuD HER OUT AFTER A FEW WEEKS AND GOT A REFUND FOR DAYS NOT USED.

SO I GOT HER HOME On a different hOME HOSPICE AND CHANGED DIAPERS WATCHED HER DYING PROCESS ETC.

HORRIBLE BUT BETTER THAN THE FOR PROFIT NURSING HOMES.

TWO BRIEF TEXTS FROM TWO FIRST COUSINS AFTER SHE DIED....
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When I think about it prior to my mother’s needs for us to step in I didn’t fully appreciate how hard this was. I was in emergency medicine and didn’t fully appreciate the day in day out load of care, my mom was the live in caretaker for my grandmother and even intimately (I often visited and was always around for big hospital stays) watching from a distance I didn’t fully appreciate how difficult and consuming it was, I admit I thought my mom made it harder than it had to be and liked the excuse of needing to be home with my grandmother. In fairness as personable as she is and has always been she has always preferred being a hermit, homebody. My grandmothers needs probably got her out more than she would have on her own but still the toll is far more than I appreciated at the time. This is not to say I wasn’t sympathetic and helpful, I was just not living it so had no experience and I am not saying your family members are willing to learn, maybe at least some are. People often handle this sort of thing badly, offering suggestions is there way of feeling like they are helping though they often screw up the presentation, this happens when someone has a chronic or serious illness too, suddenly everyone knows how to treat it!

I suggest trying not to let their opinions get to you so much (easier said than done I know) instead turn it back on them, “I haven’t been able to make that work maybe it’s me, could you come stay with him for a day or two and see if you can get that to work”? Something like that anyway, call them out on their ideas of what would work and challenge them, without actually challenging, to experience what you do. If you get anyone to take you up on that great but don’t expect it. Still even when they don’t take you up on it you have taken the power back for yourself, maybe even take some wind out of their sails but the really important person here is you. By not saying anything and letting them make you feel criticized, angry, frustrated your giving them the power. Try not to do that, find a way to turn the tables at least in your mind without arguing or trying to convince the other person, you are the one that knows best and you are the person who decides what help ideas etc might be worth a try, remember that.
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Gracious no! My sis, who does not live with Mom and me, managed to make herself sole POA. She is trying to push me out of the house and out of Mom's life so that she can inherit everything. My Mom's doctors and I figured this out when sis began "declining" the more costly items of Mom's medical care and ceased maintenance on our home. It is 110 degrees out, and we are running on 1/2 air-conditioning. The plaster is falling off the ceiling in the kitchen, due to severe water damage (with possible mold), and I have no recourse. So, please do not feel badly. Sometimes blood family just sucks. God gave you great friends for a reason. Jettison the poison and stick with the gold! Keep a good friend with you any time you have to deal with a poisonous family member. It helps. Love, prayers and hope to you and your Father.
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No your family dynamics are typical. One person gets placed as the caretaker. I have given upon my siblings and have missed out on several years of my life. Not sure what to tell you
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From a previous post: "I also have absolutely no life whatsoever. It has been 3+ years as a full time caregiver while also working (remotely) full time, with little to no help. Lots of helping with Dr. appointments, finances, mail, meal prep etc. for several years before that. I'm in a very dark place. I've tried many times in many ways to get help. My aging parent refuses to allow outside help and my siblings also refuse."

It's concerning that you are in a "very dark place." Tell us more...how was it that YOU were left the responsibility of being your father's 24/7/365 caregiver? Do you live with your father, or does he live with you?

How many siblings do you have? how old is your father? What kinds of caregiving do you do for him?

You have every right to refuse to get involved, just as your siblings have done. And as far as your father refusing outside help? Why does he get to call all the shots?
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Hi. You are in a very stressful situation and I feel badly for you. I have been in a similar situation for numerous years. It is exhausting and frustrating and it hurts emotionally. What has hurt me a lot is the fact that I was laughed at for feeling stressed and asking for help. There was no compassion or empathy from younger brother and his wife to understand.

My younger brother and his wife have made only tiny attempts to help. It angers me so much, however I have reached a point of feeling indifferent. I don’t wish them harm in anyway, but I am not initiating contact either. It took several years to reach this state.

Younger brother and his wife rarely visit mom. They rarely call, offer to help her (age 90) or bring anything to brighten her day yet they always have an excuse for not helping. They live approximately 20 minutes away and say there is not an easy way to drive to get to mom’s. They both work full time but do not have children at home. In my mind, it is absolutely awful that they treat mom this way. It hurts mom emotionally. She has always been good to them and even allowed them to live rent free for almost two years as they saved for a house. (Evidently, they have forgotten about this.)

My point is some times our families are difficult and as adults we can some times finally see their true personalities. I always thought my family would be here for me. In truth, they abandoned me and left me with all the stress and responsibility involved in 11 years of mom’s care. They do not care about mom or me. I find this extremely sad.

I hope and pray you find a way of coping with your situation. If you need to distance from your family for your own benefit then I encourage you to do that.

Best wishes.
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You are not alone. I am sorry you have to experience what many of us already do.
My experience is like many others. At the start everyone is "I'll help any time, I will be there for you". Then, silence..... I thought growing up we were a pretty normal family aside from a few issues. Then once mom died the egg cracked. Mom was the glue for the family. One sibling was always wanting to be an only child, the other the boss. I got to take dad in many miles away from friends and family. I'm on my own taking care of dad except for a few times he visited my sibling for a short stay. I have asked for respite time and in 8 years got it once.
The Er visits, the surgeries, the home health care, the rehab stays, the cleaning up of human waste from my floors and bathroom, the dr visits, the rehab visits, the dealing with cars, then damage to cars, taking away his driving privileges, giving him almost half my house to live in, paying all the living expenses. He pays his health care and a few of his bills and uses the rest of his money to go out to lunches and dinners with his GF all while I have to deal with the rest.
I begged and pleaded to have some help but all that gets done is paying for a cell phone once a month.
He came with no assets except a truck and a small SSI check. I get blamed for giving away all his things when the house had to be cleaned out.
In the past 10 years, I have dealt with 3 family deaths, 2 hospice situations, long-distance health care (across the country) 3 estates, Lawyers, accountants, and doctors, and funeral directors and property dissolutions.
I am tired of doing this all on my own so I feel your pain. When I call I get told what to do or nothing. Mostly nothing as there is no communication.
I understand what you are going through, I wish I had an answer for you, I am still looking for my own answer.
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First, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Second, you are certainly not alone. I’m sure all family dynamics differ, but from my own experience and what I’ve read on this forum, sadly, your situation is really common.
My husband and I were caring for my dad for 5 years. No one else understood how incredibly hard it was, in fact there seemed to be a feeling (from occasional comments made or implied) that we were somehow taking advantage of him (because we were living in his home) or at the least we had life easy because we had no mortgage or rent) As you are aware, we were certainly “paying a price” just in other ways.
We have a couple wonderful adult grandkids of his who would come bring him dinner and hang with him so we could have an evening off, but we had to practically beg my siblings to stay for a few days so we could take a short vacation or something. He recently passed and even now they have no clue how hard it has been or still is (we're so sad over his passing even tho he made us crazy!)
I guess like most of life, no one gets what you’re going through unless they’ve been there themselves. It’s rotten and unfair, but there it is. This group has been helpful for me!
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Sorry, every family has difficult dynamics in some way. No family is perfect. I am glad you have others who are supportive in your life.

When family gives suggestions, you can say. "That sounds wonderful. I'll drop her/him off for you to do this over the weekend." This would probably stop the advice without assistance.

Seriously, you need to find a way to cope with the unhelpful family members since they will be part of your life for a long, long time. Please consider reading one of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. Also consider working with a counsellor while developing a plan to cope with your family. The counsellor is a wealth of resources and an objective assistant.
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Family member, siblings, etc can be unsupportive and selfish. My sisters are like that. They contribute nothing to our family or my 83 year old mother's well being and they feel totally justified by it. They simply do not care and are very selfish.
I don't like people like this. I like people who are caring. I limit my interactions with them because of this. I simply cannot give attention to people who want it so desperately and do nothing in return. People who do not give know-nothing about
caregiving!
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Sarah3 Aug 2021
I don’t mind so much siblings who don’t help out - what I mind is those who rarely or don’t lift a finger at all and are full of criticism and recommendations for the one who is doing all the work. Like people who don’t have kids arrogantly telling you how you should parent or a coworker who’s frequently absent and misses meetings being the first one to try and direct how things should be done. I think a good reply is “if you want to give that a try I’ll drop him off at your place tomorrow morning for the next several days and let me know how it works” in a cheerful voice
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Maybe family wants to minimize how much care is needed so they feel less obligated to help and less guilty when they do not help.
Eliminate your "expectations" of who "should be" supportive. What "should be" is coming from you and it is not matching reality. The same dynamic is also often true when there is a death or an illness or any significant time of need.
If support comes from somewhere elsr, be grateful for what comes. Do not lament what does not come.
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As you can see, your situation is not unique. Very similar to what I have encountered. The best thing in this instance is to seek out other support and solutions, and not give the fam much info since they use it against your efforts. I am so sorry. For me, I got educated on family dynamics and disordered personalities. It helped. I now know that those biting comments come from sad and dysfunctional ppl, so I have gone mostly no contact. Some of the fam threatened legal action to gain access to parent’s funds when they has no standing. Fortunately, my spouse urged me to contact an elder law attorney (I have POA), and that took care of that. I wish you good luck. Know you’re doing the right things, and know they are simply sad, critical and grasping ppl. No - or minimal - contact will help.
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No. Your family dynamic is not unique. It is in fact it is unusual to find a family who does not behave exactly like yours does when there's a caregiving situation involving and elder.
When people become new parents their siblings and family who have had kids before them relate very easily to everything they talk about because they've done it. They're usually helpful or offer good advice too.
When it comes to caring for an elder, unless they've actually had an experience with it they just don't get it. Or they think that you're dramatizing or being a martyr about it and it's no big deal. Yet they contribute little to nothing in the way of assistance to the person who figuratively speaking drew the short straw and is the one taking all the responsibility of caring for the elder.
I've been in elder homecare for almost 25 years and have seen your family dynamic more times that I could count. I'm also living in it myself. I am the sole caregiver to my elderly parent. I have one full sibling who does absolutely nothing except criticize and offer her useless advice and opinions which are worth less than a wooden nickel. She knows what our mother's abuse was like because she witnessed it first hand. She witnessed her sister (me) always on the receiving end of it. She did not take her anger, rage, and frustration out on her. My sister remembers and understands, but she won't step up and help. She won't validate me in any way either. My sister is a smart woman and knows that if she ever did, she might have to take on some of our mother's care.
As for your family thinking your negative outlook is the problem, tell them to take over and see first hand how quickly your outlook improves. It's one thing to do the drudgery of elderly caregiving as a job for pay because like any job, you have a life outside of work. When a person's work day ends and they have to go to their next job of elder caregiving, that's impossible. The person doing this will have a nervous breakdown. I'm pretty sure I had one and very likely am having another.
If you have any other options, take them. Bring in hired help for your father or put him in a care facility. Forget about what your family thinks. You don't have to wait until your father is gone to walk away from these people. Do it now. For your own sake, don't wait. Myself, I'm between a rock and a hard place and have no other options. So I have to live in my situation. And now my friend, there's a commode full of sh*t with my name on it that needs emptying and a miserable, abusive elder who's hungry. Get out now.
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You certainly are not alone and I feel your frustration and pain. I keep reminding myself that I can only control my actions and I know that I will never regret the time spent caring for my mom. I truly believe you need to treat people the way you would want to be treated. You aren't going to change them and I have actually found that their casual engagement actually is a detriment as they don't know what in the heck is going on with my mom. Not sure how they rationalize all of this but we know they do know what they should be doing and they have to live with that. Hang in there and keep doing the right things.
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I feel your pain. We are/were a small family, mom/Dad, sister and me (male). I'm 65, retired and live with my mother. Dad died 20 years ago. My mother is 89 and has some cognitive problems. My sister lives 10 minutes away, refuses to help mom out (she hates me and has told me this to my face), and is only good for buying an occasional item. My sister is a bitter, hurtful woman who is the ultimate "Victim". She is unwilling to come over and help take care of mom. Instead, she is completely into her daughters upcoming wedding. She calls mom up to "remind" her that she is the grandmother and should be giving gifts to her daughter. She has one grown child who lives at home. I pay my nephew (he is 31) to come over and watch her sometimes. I have concluded that my sister will never help out. Her excuse is that she hates me and does not want to see me, so she refuses to come over. Out family dynamics are in the toilet. I cringe at the upcoming holidays ( Thanksgiving, Christmas, my sister's upcoming Birthday) My sister seems to think Mom will get better and attend her daughter's wedding, which is a laugh. My mother's mobility is now so limited she can barely get from her bed to the living room. The whole thing is a bitter joke.
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seekingjoy Aug 2021
I’m so sorry you’re going through this
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