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Please go out and have fun.

Anyone who tells you otherwise isnt prioritizing your happiness.
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TouchMatters Jan 2022
This is much deeper than happiness.
The woman needs to feel self-love, self-worth, self-esteem.
She needs to learn to value herself and feel she deserves to be all she can be. She is wounded and needs to address many issues over many years of abuse / self-abuse.
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You only have one lifetime to be happy. You can be there for husband but also take care of your mental health with having a productive, positive relationship with someone else. Do you see the husband being in home for care as permanent situation? If not, what becomes of you if you don't take care of you? Good luck
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looking for approval among anonymous strangers online is a bit odd. Too many people online have the morality of alley cats and do what thou wilt is their driving obsession.
You need to discus things in person with someone...A person you respect and have confidence in.
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Abby2018 Jan 2022
Sometimes it's the only outlet available at the time. She's looking for guidance, and I don't think very many people on this forum have the "morality of alley cats". Agreed, face to face therapy would be the ideal, but Pamela has reached out here, and I don't feel that's odd at all.....just mho.
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God wants you to enjoy yourself.
God wants you to value yourself.
God wants you to develop self-worth.
God will give you the courage to change if you want to and truly believe.

God wants you to do the inner work you need to do to feel good about yourself. If you do not, you will be repeating similar self-abusive behavior. The man may change although you will remain the same, and subject yourself to behave in self-destruction "I do not deserve ..." ways.
"We teach others how to treat us."

If you are with another person with psychological / mental health, self-esteem issues, it will be another self-destructive relationship.

You have to decide what you want and be willing to do the hard inner work to change - one step at a time, one moment of awareness at a time. You will need to feel through the pain and all the 'inner negative messages' you hear inside and say "NO. I am NOT listening to you any longer."

There are millions of books on self-esteem development.
Find one that works for you. And be committed to your own well being.

Gena / Touch Matters
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PeakShale Jan 2022
What "god" might that be? This woman is clearly dealing with religious overload if she thinks she must put up with a cheater indefinitely.
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"Life is short but I don’t want to go against God."

I'd say it's long past time to dump your religion (with its invisible deity) if you think it condemns you to more suffering. Or at least reinterpret the Bible less literally.
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PatienceSD Jan 2022
Well said!
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Freedom 2: So good I needed to repeat her / his comment:

"God doesn't expect you to stay in an abusive situation."

Please understand what this means.
And what do you mean "won't be too hard on me" --- do you want to hear the truth as we see it or support you to continue to feel you deserve to be in an abusive relationship?
* You are very wounded - for decades.
* You need professional support.
* Change is hard although it is possible. You are the only person who can decide to take the necessary steps to untangle the psychological, emotional and spiritual wounding. We can only support you to do your inner work. We all have to do it - no matter how much outer support / words (from all of us).
* WE WANT YOU TO SUCCESS IN HAVING A LIFE based on you feeling and knowing how self-worth and self-respect feels - and how a person behaves accordingly.
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Pamela, did God ask you to be a martyr, to sacrifice yourself to be this man's wife? I'm not being snarky, just making a point. Get a divorce (which I think every religion/faith agrees is ok under some conditions, like if there's adultery which you say there was on his part, and make a life for yourself that God would want for you. Short of a heavenly directive to stay in the marriage, why on Earth would you...?
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You need more help than what can be offered here.....but the fact you reached out shows you are in conflict with both your emotions and religious beliefs. Do you deserve to be happy? Absolutely. Do you feel a loving God would expect you to remain miserable for the rest of your life? Not a chance. Anyone who abuses someone (especially to the extent you've endured) does not deserve the loyalty of marriage vows. You've more than paid your dues. Time now to move on....divorce him, make arrangements for intense therapy to boost your morale and set you on firm ground to realize that the very best that life holds for you lies ahead.
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You deserve some happiness. Where is the “ girlfriend”? Why are YOU taking care of him? Only YOU can decide what’s best for YOU. Being a MARTYR will not bring you happiness and quite frankly many care givers die FIRST so stop worrying. Do you think God will punish you for all the sadness you’ve already endured? That marriage was punishment enough. Hell is here on earth. Good luck 💜
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First of all, no one on this site will judge you. However, after living in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage for 21 years, I finally got my 2 children graduated from school, then I put my big girl panties on and moved out 2 days after he hit me across the face bc he was mad….not at me, but I stood up for myself. I put our .38 in his face and told him if he ever touched me in any way ever again, I would blow his brains out. And he knew I meant it. Back then there was no 911 to call and if you asked for help, ppl would say well you must have deserved it!!!! That’s complete BS!!!! First thing I did when I moved in with my sister, is found a good therapist who helped me tremendously. I thinks that’s what you should do bc after living that many yrs with an abuser, you need to get your head on straight and figure out what’s best for you. I wish you the best and for true happiness, whether u remain single ( I chose that) or find someone else to share your life with. Liz
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polarbear Jan 2022
cherokeegrrl- Bravo!!!

I am so glad you found your strength and courage. That must have been very hard.
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Your life is in danger.

Leave now.
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Wow…tough to decide for sure. My decision would be based on my faith. I am unmarried at this time {70 yr old}. I think if my partner/husband had Alzheimers and did not know me I would be discreet and not become a public couple with the new man but I would have a private “friendship”. Being friends is never wrong. We do not need to have sleepovers and present ourselves as a “couple” to the world. Quite honestly thats only your business. I do believe in many states you can not divorce an Alzheimers person. Good luck..
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Myownlife Jan 2022
That's bull. God wants us to take care of ourselves, not keep us in dangerous situations. The man was abusive BEFORE Alzheimers. With Alzheimers, he will continually become more abusive.
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Don’t even let me get started!
Go out and enjoy yourself. Why are you taking care of him? You should have divorced him long ago !
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If your God did not do anything while you were being abused by your husband, why should you worry what he would think if you went out with your wonderful friend?
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ZippyZee Jan 2022
This x1000
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After years of being married to an abuser, the man you think is nice might very well not be! He may be a slick con man seeing easy prey.put him on the back burner, get a therapist. Get your spouse in care and make yourself a priority so you can see things clearly. Spend time with yourself to get to know who you are and what you like.
Give it at least two years before seeing someone.
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con3ill Jan 2022
Right on! From what the writer says, she sounds exhausted and vulnerable, and that's when predators are poised to strike. She should keep her distance.
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No where in the world says " you have to put up with abuse . " Your husband had another girl friend and she probably dumped him . Why would you remain faithful if he had a girl friend ? yes go out with the wonderful man , yes put your X - husband in assisted living and yes go enjoy what ever years you have left On earth with some happiness .
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Hello,
I have been married also to a abuser however, mine is verbally. I would suggest if I may, to think things out clearly. You have every right to happiness. Have a date, but get to know yourself first. Therapy is essential. It will provide you a opportunity to be clear minded of your decision for yourself. Take care
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PatienceSD Jan 2022
When will you remove yourself from your verbal abuser? He’s the worst kind. If I had to choose I’d choose to be beat. Bodies heal, minds may not. 💕💕good luck
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Your marriage has expired. Get him into a good MC facility where you can visit as much as you want. File for legal separation or divorce and start the next phase of your life with or without Mr. Wonderful.
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Get him into a care center, NH if necessary. Its up to you to decide on divorce as it will be a factor in division of property and his charges in the NH. Nothing more you can do for him at this point. We've all come to understand that it's true..life is indeed short. The man referred to as my father was abusive and after decades of dealing with it, he died from abusing himself with alcohol. My mother passed in 2006 but I can tell you I thanked God that she had 31 years of peace and quiet after he died. I wish she had left him when we were all still together. Some people wish they had their dad..I wished even before age 10 that he would leave, just go away. Get him to a care center, decide on divorce yes or no, so you are no longer responsible for his care. He'll be fine, you'll find some peace. He literally has made his own bed.
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I think you already know what is right and what is wrong per your beliefs. I think you are questioning yourself because you know it is wrong to open a new door without closing an old one first. I think you want out of your abusive marriage but feel trapped because you got yourself in a real pickle by taking care of him because you felt sorry for him and was unable to say no (low self esteem). I am sure it was against your gut, but you ignored it and agreed to take care of him anyway, in hopes that things would change and that he would be nice to you even though he wasn't in the past. History winds up repeating itself if you let it! You know this new man will not make you happy unless you are already happy with yourself and healing yet you are looking at him to make you happy. You know that you are not ready to be in a new relationship without going through the steps to heal yourself, I think you know that you are in no position to be dating or taking care of anyone without first healing yourself. I think you already know the answers. I think the reason you want us to be gentle with you is because you are really harsh on yourself. No true friend would ever not tell you the truth, whether you take it harsh or not, it would still be true. Be your own best friend. Write the pros and cons, really think what your options are. Below are some suggestions:

1. Do not open the door with the new guy until you are happy with yourself first and healing from abuse otherwise the new guy could abuse you and you will take it,
2. Divorce your husband/cease any and all contact with him because you deserve better,
3. Stop caring for your ex and let his family care for him or else he becomes the state's problem. He is no longer your problem,
4. Invest in some great therapy and heal yourself before taking on any new relationship to avoid being abused any longer,
5. If you decide to still care for your ex, put your foot down and demand he is nice to you or else (fill in the blank),
6. Make a decision and stick to it. Do not waver. Be strong, be fierce! You can do it,
7. Get close to God. Let God be your guide,
8. Learn to love yourself as you love God. You are your best friend!
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Vjg6727 Jan 2022
Can you divorce someone with dementia? And “put your foot down and insist he be nice”? If he hasn’t done it in 40 years he’s not going to start now.
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There's something in Pamela8's question that makes me want to write a response, not just a reply to someone else's comment. That's the 'I hope you all won't be too hard on me.' I was in a long-term relationship once (not marriage) and though I knew I had to leave, the first thing I thought of was how it was going to affect him. I wrote to a local advice columnist about this and the reply was, to paraphrase, why was I worrying about hurting HIM? Pamela8, sometimes people can be so shrouded in their situation that they believe anything negative aimed at them. By anybody (that was me, too). Don't do this to yourself, please! Also, take extra care and extra time once you are free, before getting into any relationships which may end up being entanglements rather than the good thing they look at, at the time.
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If you don’t care for your own needs first, it will come back to haunt you in the future. He is undeserving of the rest of your life and not only because he has AD. He had no regard for you when he left and had an affair. How long will he survive with Alzheimer’s? Could be 10 yrs or more. It only gets worse. Did his girlfriend kick him to the curb because of his mental state and abusive behavior? In the end, you will always ask yourself why it took so long for you to choose to live YOUR life. Make moves now, get on your feet and forge ahead with YOUR LIFE. We only get one life. You are being tested. And you’re the one giving yourself the “test”.
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Divorce. Date the new man. Have a happy, unabused life!! Seriously!

Edited to add: you owe this controlling abusive man nothing. Move out, move away, divorce. I would not look for help for him or AL or NH or any other care. Do NOT keep on caring for this man. TAKE care of YOU, NOW.
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Ditch the abuser and live your life free of him. Whatever that life may be. It’s your life, your choice!
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Sweet, sweet Pamela Go Go Go out with this wonderful man you met. The only shame/guilt you should think about is why you let your husband abuse you for so many years. See a therapist and divorce your husband! Let his family take care of him. Get past your marriage and ENJOY the rest of your life. You are NOT going against God. If you were that would mean God condones your husbands abuse and I don’t think he does. Talk to your cleric as well. Your husband was not a Godly man. He’ll go where his kind go. There is NO excuse for what he did to you. It’s time to throw him away. I’m sorry to be so animated but your husband infuriates me
may Love and light guide you to happiness.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2022
Seriously, the only shame/guilt you should be think about is why you let you husband abuse you for so many years.

That is BS. Total victim blaming and obviously nobody ever beat the crap out of you.

This messed up attitude is what makes getting out so hard. Because people like YOU blame the abused for what a sick, cowardly, POS did to them.

A survivor of abuse doesn't have any guilt or shame for their actions. When you are in survival mode, you just survive.

You should think about your shame and guilt for saying something so ignorant and unhelpful.
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To thine own self be true. You have paid your dues.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Amen to that.
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Pamela, you've received a lot of answers, which I hope you'll have some time to consider and evaluate at your leisure, and w/o pressure to make a quick decision.  I think that you realize and recognize that there has been dysfunction in your relationship with the abusive person, and you want to move forward.    I don't understand why you would feel this would be inconsistent with any religion.  

I do think you should consider spending some time with the "wonderful man", as if he is as wonderful as he seems, the experience could be uplifting, could help restore your confidence, and help you move forward past and out of the dilemma you now feel.

I also don't understand why your conscience fells you that you "can't see this nice man."   To me, that's reflective of the emotions and whatever kept you in the abusive relationship.  

You need to self validate that you're worthy of being treated respect, develop a plan and go for it.
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Go for it. You deserve it. You are taking care of him. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. I know what it's like to take care of a husband for a very long time who is no longer able to appreciate anything I do for him. I don't see anything wrong with maybe going to dinner or show or museums, etc. Or just having a cup of coffee together. You deserve some happiness in life. I'm sure God would understand. Take care. Hope you find what you're looking for.
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Let me ask a question. Why did you stay with a man for 42 years that you were never happy with?
I say go with the nice man who asked you out. Why not? Life is short and everyone deserves a measure of happiness at some point in their life.
Do you really in your heart of hearts believe that God will have a problem with you having a bit of joy in life? Don't be a martyr. Being married for 42 years means you're not a young woman. If you're getting a chance at romance and happiness at your time of life, you should consider it a gift from God. Not something worthy of punishment.
Put your husband with Alzheimer's (who should have been your ex-husband a long time ago) in a nursing home then go and have some happiness with whatever good years you have left. Screw anybody who has something to say. It's your life and you deserve to have some happiness.
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Invisible Jan 2022
She had a chance to end the relationship while they were separated for 5 years. Why didn't she?
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Do it.  Life is way too short.
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