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Pamela, did God ask you to be a martyr, to sacrifice yourself to be this man's wife? I'm not being snarky, just making a point. Get a divorce (which I think every religion/faith agrees is ok under some conditions, like if there's adultery which you say there was on his part, and make a life for yourself that God would want for you. Short of a heavenly directive to stay in the marriage, why on Earth would you...?
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Freedom 2: So good I needed to repeat her / his comment:

"God doesn't expect you to stay in an abusive situation."

Please understand what this means.
And what do you mean "won't be too hard on me" --- do you want to hear the truth as we see it or support you to continue to feel you deserve to be in an abusive relationship?
* You are very wounded - for decades.
* You need professional support.
* Change is hard although it is possible. You are the only person who can decide to take the necessary steps to untangle the psychological, emotional and spiritual wounding. We can only support you to do your inner work. We all have to do it - no matter how much outer support / words (from all of us).
* WE WANT YOU TO SUCCESS IN HAVING A LIFE based on you feeling and knowing how self-worth and self-respect feels - and how a person behaves accordingly.
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"Life is short but I don’t want to go against God."

I'd say it's long past time to dump your religion (with its invisible deity) if you think it condemns you to more suffering. Or at least reinterpret the Bible less literally.
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PatienceSD Jan 2022
Well said!
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God wants you to enjoy yourself.
God wants you to value yourself.
God wants you to develop self-worth.
God will give you the courage to change if you want to and truly believe.

God wants you to do the inner work you need to do to feel good about yourself. If you do not, you will be repeating similar self-abusive behavior. The man may change although you will remain the same, and subject yourself to behave in self-destruction "I do not deserve ..." ways.
"We teach others how to treat us."

If you are with another person with psychological / mental health, self-esteem issues, it will be another self-destructive relationship.

You have to decide what you want and be willing to do the hard inner work to change - one step at a time, one moment of awareness at a time. You will need to feel through the pain and all the 'inner negative messages' you hear inside and say "NO. I am NOT listening to you any longer."

There are millions of books on self-esteem development.
Find one that works for you. And be committed to your own well being.

Gena / Touch Matters
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PeakShale Jan 2022
What "god" might that be? This woman is clearly dealing with religious overload if she thinks she must put up with a cheater indefinitely.
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looking for approval among anonymous strangers online is a bit odd. Too many people online have the morality of alley cats and do what thou wilt is their driving obsession.
You need to discus things in person with someone...A person you respect and have confidence in.
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Abby2018 Jan 2022
Sometimes it's the only outlet available at the time. She's looking for guidance, and I don't think very many people on this forum have the "morality of alley cats". Agreed, face to face therapy would be the ideal, but Pamela has reached out here, and I don't feel that's odd at all.....just mho.
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You only have one lifetime to be happy. You can be there for husband but also take care of your mental health with having a productive, positive relationship with someone else. Do you see the husband being in home for care as permanent situation? If not, what becomes of you if you don't take care of you? Good luck
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Please go out and have fun.

Anyone who tells you otherwise isnt prioritizing your happiness.
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TouchMatters Jan 2022
This is much deeper than happiness.
The woman needs to feel self-love, self-worth, self-esteem.
She needs to learn to value herself and feel she deserves to be all she can be. She is wounded and needs to address many issues over many years of abuse / self-abuse.
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You should divorce this abuser.

It doesn't matter why you took him back but, you did and now you should severe the ties that make you question your activities. Because only you know your heart and what you believe about God. Don't listen to strangers on an anonymous forum to gain justification to go against your personal convictions.

Infidelity and abuse are valid reasons to divorce. Even if he now has Alzheimer's.

If you start today, you will be a free woman in about 90 days.
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TouchMatters Jan 2022
Yes. Divorce the B. 90 days. Is that all it takes?
I appreciate your response here.
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God would want you to be happy, after all you've been through. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but you have my blessing.
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I believe a marriage vow is a marriage vow:
In sickness and in health, forsaking all others.

If you didn't vow that, you are free to do as you please.
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Cover99 Jan 2022
lol
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Why haven’t you divorced him? I have a friend who waited so long that her husband was mentally incapable of a divorce agreement.
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That your abusive husband had a girlfriend is all that I need to know. If you're concerned about going against God, I totally understand. I've was once in your shoes. So I can tell you that Biblically, once he went after another woman, he broke his vows to you, and you are free to go. You are under no obligation to stay with him and continue to be his whipping post.
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Invisible Jan 2022
Had the girlfriend while separated. That should have been a signal then to divorce him. Waited too long. Takes two to make a marriage.
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Read the 23rd Psalm, especially the part 'He maketh me to lie down in green pastures'...it means 'God' intends for us to be happy, at peace, serene. If you stayed with an abusive spouse for so long, you went against God's intention for you, not to criticize but to point out that we are all only human, we make mistakes, but we always have the Grace to change course. You have stuck by your husband because of the vows you took, commendable; and you can take steps to ensure your disabled husband gets proper care for whatever is ahead in his life's story. You have a chance, a God-given chance, to have companionship, if he is an honorable human being and treats you well. You may have a marriage license with the abuser but you may not have had a true marriage in God's eyes; think about it. Your husband was the 'adulterer' if you look at things that way, you stayed 'true' to your vows. Speak to your pastor or any trusted advisor; you might be helped to see you are torturing yourself over something that does not even exist anymore. Your 'conscience' is likely more 'shoulds' put on you by your conditioning, including at the hands of an abuser, that you don't 'deserve' your own happiness. Your abusive husband may have never hit you, but your thinking may fit classic 'battered wife syndrome.' Reach for goodness, not a 'rescuer' but a chance to see that a relationship, even just a platonic friendship, can be supportive instead of something to be endured.
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Pamela wrote: "I'm so confused!"

I really think you should see a good therapist that is well experienced in the area of abusive relationships.

You need help to:
--sort out why you went back to this A-hole of a husband, and
--how to get away from him, and
--not repeat the pattern
--recognize nice men from controlling men
--how to value yourself so that you can find, date and establish relationship with nice men.

In short, you are not ready for a nice man. You can go on a date with this guy if you want, but it's too early to say he's a nice man.
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TouchMatters Jan 2022
Good advice.
This woman is no way ready to be dating or seeing other men for a potential relationship. It will be the same old same old until this woman feels self-worth and self-respect. She needs to surround herself with people that will unconditionally support her - and this may mean, at this time, only a professional therapist. "Many" men will see an easy target and take advantage. She shouldn't go near a dating situation and if in mixed-sex company, only be a group setting (during Covid, not recommended).
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I think you have suffered MORE than long enough. Personally I think you should leave him and go live your life. I realize this isn’t as easy as that….but I hope you find the strength to stop putting this man first in your life. You only get one life to live. You’ve endured enough abuse. It sounds like he is not deserving of your loyalty and maybe now his family or someone else can take on this burden.
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If you want to date, then end the marriage. Get your husband into an assisted living facility that transitions to memory care when he needs it.

As for whether or not dating after this marriage is morally correct, seek counselling from your local faith leader or elder. make sure that their guidance it grounded in your holy writings.
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Why are you punishing yourself? You put your time in with a jerk. Now that person's effectively gone and you're stuck sweeping up after the shell of what sounds like an awful person. You've done your time. Life's too short. Place him and live your life.
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This might sound cruel to some....... but I would have divorced him a long time ago, God doesn't expect you to stay in an abusive situation.
It is not your fault he has Alzheimer's. Don't let guilt make you stay.=
Let his family take care of him, you have been through enough mental abuse and possibly physical abuse and I am sure they know that and they should have been there supporting you, sounds like they were not there for you... they can't expect you to stay after everything you have been through and then to shoulder his Alzheimer's on top of it.
See your gentleman friend to start with just as a friend until you can get your own life back in prospective.
If he is a true gentleman and great guy he will support you through the time you need to figure everything out. In turn that gives you time to see who he is and what he is about as well.
You deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship.
Sometimes we are the hardest on ourselves bringing guilt and shame into situations.
Validate yourself that you are worthy to be happy.
Then take the steps you need to take to get to the place that you want to be, in a healthy self-love care for yourself.
Just take your time and don't rush a new relationship, develop deep friendships that will last.
Think about seeing a therapist for the sole reason of learning what is healthy in a relationship and steering away from patterns and narcissist type of men and abusive behaviors, it is a healing journey for you.
After going through some relationship therapy and grounding yourself in a healthier mind and spirit you will begin to see things fall into place and God is always there to guide you every step of the way, he is only one prayer away.
My saying is, "Don't let anyone steal your joy".
Be Happy and and start your healing journey......
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InFamilyService Jan 2022
Perfect response to her and I could not add a thing. Thank you.
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"Maud won't come into the garden
Sing to her as ye may,
Maud says she begs your pardon
But she wasn't born yesterday."

[Joyce Grenfell's wonderful response to Tennyson's poem "Come into the garden, Maud"]
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Riverdale Jan 2022
I love Tennyson. "Crossing the Bar" was one of my grandfather's favorite and read at his memorial.
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I am totally confident that this will offend many of our posters, but it’s based on my own and other women’s experience. Don’t be too bothered if your nice guy wants to get into your pants. Many of them do, and many succeed. Even if you decide it was a bad idea, it gives you something completely different to worry about, blame yourself for, and realise that life exists outside the rut you have been living in. It’s not such a good idea to go for the first ‘nice man’ you meet on the rebound. Don’t expect perfection. There’s not a lot of it about!
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partyof1 Jan 2022
Love this response!
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Its dinner with someone....happens to be a guy. I can say that easily because I (female) have male friends 4 to 1. Dinner may or may not lead to anything....but you may end up with a circle of new friends....and that's not a bad thing. What I can say that being around a guy that's more "normal" than what your husband was can give you a different perspective of how things should have been and how maybe you see your future.

You don't want to go against God. I don't believe God expects women to suffer through your type of marriage. How do you know that God didn't send this man your way? Maybe God is giving you happiness after so many years.

Just sayin' not sayin'.
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God doesn't care. If he did he wouldn't have let you marry an abusive man. My only concern is while this new man may seem decent he may be controlling and abusive like current husband since people repeat patterns. Sometimes without even realizing it.
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As a full grown adult, you can decide without permission what's best for you. In the world there are no right or wrong decisions. Only practical ones and stupid ones. You're free to chose.
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Is it God, or is it the Bible you are worried about going against? The books of the Bible were written by many authors, as well as being handed down through oral tradition from even more authors who were not literate. The newest was written almost 2000 years ago. The books of the Bible are NOT the literal word of God , and they were never written with situations like yours in mind. Just like your situation is very different from King David and his hundreds of wives and concubines.

You need to work out for yourself what your personal God would insist on here. For many people (including me) it would be to put the abuser in care using his own money, start divorce proceedings, and move on to make the best you can out of the rest of your life. Don't make a martyr of yourself.
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MountainMoose Jan 2022
Preach! And don't forget the Bible's been manipulated to suit the will of the current king.
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Go and have a good time. See that elder law attorney to learn what would be best for you related to the marriage.
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I certainly hope nobody will give you a hard time for asking your question.

My main reservation is to do with whether the nice man really is a nice man, or whether you might be taking a risk. I'd almost like it if he came onto the forum and let us interrogate him as to his intentions. As to is it okay for you to live a little - sure, long overdue and well-deserved. Take care of yourself, please, and don't rush into anything you're not sure you're happy about.
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My wonderful neighbour cared for his wife at home for as long as possible, with the help of a women who became his girlfriend.

Once his wife went into a care facility he went and ate lunch with her every single day. And spent his evenings with his friend.

I am not passing judgement on you for finding happiness.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
Not the same situation. This husband has been abusive for a LONG time, and it will be worse with Alzheimer's. She needs to walk away and divorce.
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If you want to please God, start searching the bible for what is written about divorce, infidelity, and remarriage. I cannot speak for God, and will not give you bible verses because that is frowned upon.

Yes, be gentle on yourself, but make serious inquiries according to your conscience. You always are free to not follow what God wants.

I had spent 10 years alone after a divorce. How I understood the bible was:

1. God allows divorce due to infidelity. (But this is not His perfect plan for marriage). Note: Your husband committed adultery, and is abusive.

2. If an unbelieving spouse leaves, let him leave. You are under no obligation.
Note: Would you believe the bible if you read where it was an error to 'remarry'? (get back with your husband after the infidelity). I don't understand it either.

3. You may be free to remarry under certain circumstances.

Ask yourself:
What kind of a "nice" man asks out a married woman?
So, you might want to learn how to make wise choices so as not to end up with an abuser or adulterer a second time. Statistics show that is a very real possibility, unless you take the time to learn.

You might want to figure out ahead of time what your standards and beliefs are, and go by your conscience. There is nothing wrong with waiting until after you are divorced to start another relationship.

My comment may fly in the face of many with different beliefs, but you said that you don't want to go against God. If you read carefully, and understand,
Alva's advice and mine are basically the same.

My advice is: Wait until you are a widow or divorced before starting a new dating relationship.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2022
Why should she wait? She isn't young and her husband who she's been miserable with for 42 years now has Alzheimer's. She should consider him dead to her now and claim some wee bit of happiness for herself.
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I would have left him after the FIRST moment he was abusive and I certainly wouldn't be taking care of him in his old age. I don't understand why anyone would stay with someone like that and I don't have patience for this...
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graygrammie Jan 2022
Speaking for myself, it took me over thirty years of marriage to recognize the abuse. Abuse was always defined as physical, it is only in my recent years that we have come to understand that emotional, verbal, spiritual, and psychological abuse are perhaps even more damaging than physical abuse. But they are harder to recognize, harder to address, and harder for others to believe. So an "I would have left him after the FIRST moment" statement indicates to me that you are referring to physical abuse, which this poster may not have been referring to at all.
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I am an atheist, so for me god doesn't enter this equation. Morally, however, I think that you should either legally separate (even if you intend to take care of this gentleman) before dating another. I am uncertain why you have chosen to take care of someone who has not been good to you, who has given you a miserable life; for myself, if POA, guardian, next of kin, I would place my husband, visit him as you might a friend, and would legally separate so as to protect my own assets, or divorce. THEN I would feel free to date another man. Now if we are simply speaking of FRIENDSHIP here, then I see utterly no reason at all why you might not have a friend in your circumstances, either male OR female.
I wish you the best.
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