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Don't blame yourself, you are just human. My husband has had dementia for five years, He has become worse over the last year. There are so many times that I am overwhelmed and frustrated with my situation.

One thing I learned from someone on this forum is that he will mirror my moods. If I become angry, he becomes very stubborn and refuses to shower, eat, etc. If I manage to stay calm, he will do whatever I ask. I pray every day for patience and kindness.

He was a wonderful husband and father. Now he does not remember our children or grandchildren. I don't think he remembers me. I'm just here all the time. This forum is a wonderful place to vent and to get advice. It has kept me from "sticking my head in the oven" many times.

Take care of yourself and hire some help if you can. I have a lady from an agency come three times a week for four hours each time. It gives me a little time to get away for a few hours. I look forward to that "me" time. Dementia is an awful diagnosis because your person is pretty much gone. (((((Hugs to you))))
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southiebella Nov 2021
I've got a similar situation. I'm the sole caregiver for my 94 yo mother who has dementia. I get out around 12 hours a week as long as my sitters are able to come. (They have more health problems than my mother - no joke.).

Nevertheless, I need to be more aware of my moods. I never thought that my mother may be mirroring my moods. When I get frustrated with her I often let it show and I need to put more effort into overcoming the urge to reveal how I'm feeling.

Thanks for your post.
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Yeah....the bickering is hard. My husband is in early stage dementia, yet the changes seem so fast. Anywhooo....back to the bickering. Couple of weeks ago he was telling me he wanted a divorce, that he was going to call an old girl friend to come over when he moved out to his own place, that we needed couples therapy because he couldn't go on like this, and on and on. I just let it go, easy to type now, hard to do then. This week? I am the best wife in the world, he doesn't know what he'd do without me, and so forth. I am fully prepared for the backlash of anger though, the roller coaster never ends. Empathy is draining away from him. Understanding simple math too. I try to keep sentances simple, direct and short. When we go for a drive, I'll point out one item of interest-say a hawk circling in the sky. When we go shopping, he gets the cart and navigates the aisles. I also am not a fan of keeping him on a sleep/waking schedule. Ya knows, they are in their own world, why distress them even more by insisting that they somehow can function in ours on that level? Their brain (BRAIN) is deteriorating, let it do it's thing. There is no cure. Otherwise, I won't let him sleep all day either, but a modicum of self dertmination, to me, is ok.
As others have written, I've begun to look into long term memory care, you must have a back up.
Take care of yourself, look into respite care, it's great.
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Maple3044 Nov 2021
Two years ago, on our 39th anniversary, my husband screamed that he hated me and wanted a divorce. He went into the house and fiddled around trying to find a telephone book to find a lawyer. Then he picked up the TV remote and tried to dial it, got madder and went to bed. After I got done crying, I started laughing thinking about him dialing the remote control, because the channel kept changing!
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This forum is wonderful such good advice and caring for one another. My husband is 80 with mild cognitive dementia, can pretty much take care of himself but every day I can see he gets worse. He too has no empathy , never really did in the first place and yes it is hard to do everything for him and get nothing in return. I tried to tell him stories of what happened in the hospital the night before and how crazy it was and he just looks at me . I passed out the other night and hit my head on the floor, woke up he was sitting in the chair and asked if I was alright then walked away. It gets harder and harder. Yes I say the same thing that I hate him but I am usually in the car or upstairs in the closet LOL. He sits all day and eats , goes from the chair to
the pantry to the refrigerator back and forth all day. I work 3-4 twelve hour shifts and I feel he is ok by himself. But it is extremely frustrating. When I say to him it is hard and I really shouldn’t say that to him, his famous last words are just dump me!
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Debstarr53 Nov 2021
"his famous last words are just dump me!"
And...sometimes you really wish you could or would. :)
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My heart just aches at our situation. You and I and many more are in this tilting rocking boat, teeter-totter type place! Every day is different. The arguing or restating, the constant questions, the clarifying his words, sentences not making sense. Then he's completely normal and demanding sex ... Really. It's the craziest thing. Petulant child is an excellent term. Tantrums, pouting, silence, manipulating...starting, I wish I'd just die so I don't have to become gorked out. I'm sorry you have to take care of me. Maybe I should just kill myself like my uncle.... Driving into a bridge abutment. Why don't we get a divorce, screaming at me , me screaming at him... It's a awful thing. And then the hiding of it all.
Who could understand this crap every day or evey week. We are happily married.. right?
The adult kids have no clue and nor should I burden them with this view of their father.
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Ariadnee Nov 2021
Oh good lord-so sorry to read this, yet so familiar. Try reaching out to one of the couslers at Alzheimers organization. They really helped me after an early morning event (feels like years ago) few months ago when I was going to call the cops on him. It was bad. Things calmed down enough, and I made the call to the Alzheimer counslers, who were excellent.

(Oh...the sex demmands.....sheeese.....glad I'm not alone in that department)
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I know exactly what you mean. My wife is very mean and accusatory, screaming at me while I do it all. I guess this disease takes away appreciation. Just try to remember it’s the disease and not them.
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Holy cow. This JUST Literally happened here too. I am so frustrated to not get any empathy, love, or help. The partnership, the "us" is just going away .. The apathy and lack of judgement , the change in behavior the change in caring and putting ones spouse first... It just about as devastating as it gets.
I have been married 39 years to this man, giving him everything, all my effort. All my priority And I'm just sick of it already and it has just started to get worse this year. It's gut wrenching to feel abandoned by this disease causing this. I recommend getting some therapy to help your coping skills...I started to get it and then stopped because we had a few good weeks in September..
But now it's all silence and pouting and driving me crazy.
Todays our anniversary and there is no recognition of it at all. Just like last year...nothing. it is so hurtful. But I keep telling myself it's the brain disease.
God bless you. Praying for us to get through this.
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Chlokara Nov 2021
I know. I am dreading the holidays (and my birthday comes right in the midst of it.)
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People with Alzheimers lose their judgement and often are just not capable of understanding what needs to be done in some situations. You would have liked him to help you in a kind way. He didn't do that. Don't take anything he says personally. Don't expect him to learn new things. Unfortunately, you have to accept him for what he is, and that may change from day to day. It's likely to get worse, when he'll need more care and be less able to help you. Don't count on him to call 911 if you have an accident. Maybe both of you should have a medic alert type necklace or bracelet, in case of accidents (if he can learn how to use one). Get help with his care if you can so that you can have some breaks. A local social worker or trusted senior advisor organizations should be able to advise you on what his (and your) options are. You may also need a Plan B, if his care gets to be too much for you.
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Taarna’s thought that the living situation may need to change struck me. I spent the last 2 months living with my mom in her ALF bc she needed my help. Now she is with me in my home. I found the support—meals, cleaning, staff available for a problem or if I needed to leave—hugely helpful. Caregiving is very lonely. And even just the contact with staff snd other residents was a comfort to me. If I were faced with a longterm cognitive decline in my partner, after my recent experience, I would look for a nice ALF with a memory care wing—live independently together in an apartment there and enjoy all the services provided and the friendship of other residents.
Just something to consider. And that way it’s not all on your shoulders. And you will have support.
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Been there. Done that. Support groups help. Anti-anxiety med can also help. (Helped me.) Cut yourself some slack.
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Oh I read this and you sound exactly like me! I’m so sorry as I know just what you are going through. I was driving alone in my car yesterday and I screamed out. “I hate you!” He is in his own little world just watching tv all day. I feel like my golden years have been stolen by him even though he certainly can’t help it. Everyday. He does something like you described and I wonder how I will go on. I wish I could write something here to help you. All I can do. Is tell you that you are not alone. I also thank YOU bescause you did that for me. God Bless.
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Debstarr53 Nov 2021
Oh boy! Driving in your car alone and you yell, "I hate you." Just know you are not "alone" in this. Unfortunately, I have not only done it in the car or in the house alone, but also did it to their face. YOU are not alone.
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You are only human and this condition can stress anyone to exhaustion and loss of their higher self.

You need to find a way to rest and recharge. This is very, very hard to do. But you have to lessen your load somehow or you will break. And possibly die.

I speak from experience. I collapsed from exhaustion and literally almost died in hospital. It is still hard - I know what you are going through.
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Donttestme -- We could be talking about the same man! My husband is 68, diagnosed with FrontoTemporal Disorder and Mild Cognitive Impairment four years ago. Sometimes (but less and less often) he can be very nice, the "Jim" I married, but other times I just want to escape. His words can be so cruel, his name calling so demeaning, his behavior so embarrassing. Earlier this month in a restaurant I had a rare "indigestion" burp come up, inhaled it, and started gasping for air. His response was to tell me to stop making a scene, knock it off, stop making a fool of myself. I felt like I was suffocating and he did not take a step to help me. Just like you, I wondered what would happen if I had a real medical emergency.

I deal with the hateful attitude almost all the time, unless there are others around, then he becomes so very nice. Show-timing is what I've been told it is called. Example -- When he watches TV (golf or football usually), I better not open my mouth unless it is a commercial. He will throw his hand up in my face and say, "Now what did you make me miss? I didn't hear what he said." Our 16yo grandson was here last night watching a game with him, and all my husband did was gab the whole time to the point that I think we were all (grandson, son, and myself) wishing he would quiet down.

How to keep your temper in check? I bite my tongue a lot, I do a lot of walking away, and I tune out -- play stupid games on my Chromebook during the hours that I am expected to sit with him. Every once in a while I try to explain why something he said was wrong or hurtful and he always deflects it back to me, never takes responsibility. So, silence or removing myself are my ways of keeping my temper in check. And writing to get out my thoughts and emotions -- I have a document on my computer that I update as needed.

I'm glad you found this website and forum. Hopefully you will get as much encouragement, direction, and support as I have.
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Donttestme Nov 2021
My husband is still in the very early stages. I am having such a hard time adjusting my attitude, I just don’t know how I will be able to get thru the worst which I know is coming. He can’t adjust his attitude, obviously, that’s the disease, so it must be me that remains in control and if it’s so hard now I just don’t think I can get thur it.
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I know exactly how you feel. My husband was diagnosed with possible Alzheimer’s 6 1/2 years ago. We argued a lot for a couple of years. I think my anger was a result of my lack of understanding of the disease. I had trouble accepting each loss of ability. I just couldn’t accept that he could no longer do everyday activities with ease,

Now, I stop and recall the picture I saw of a diseased Alzheimer’s brain. It makes it easier to accept his continuing decline.


God bless you and keep you and your husband.
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Donttestme Nov 2021
That’s exactly what’s happening to us now…we do nothing but bicker. We never used to fight in our 30+ yrs of marriage. I am trying to educate myself…apparently I just haven’t learned enough yet!!

thanks for your post.
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Contact the Alzheimer's Association for support and resources for dealing with difficult behaviors and regarding your own mental well being. You will be relieved to learn you are not the only one with these challenges and you will learn some strategies for coping. Expect "Crazy Times.". As Grandma1954 suggested, if you can laugh at a situation, it helps lessen the fear and anger. Ensure your and your husband's safety and whenever you can, look at your lives as a SitCom.
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I totally know what you are going through! Of all the distressing behaviors my LOWD is displaying, his lack of empathy and his self centeredness are probably the most difficult for me to come to terms with. It's so hard to do everything and have no one appreciate any of it, yet expect more. You are right, they are like petulant children when things don't go the way they want. My boyfriend is mid stage and here is what I've learned so far: Don't argue, you won't/can't win and it just adds more stress to you... change the subject or just leave the room for a bit to calm down. Try to learn to laugh at even the dumbest things.. it really does help to try to look at the humorous side. If you have someone who has offered help (even if it's just to pick up a couple of things from the store) Ask for help!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is such an unfair and cruel disease and there's no cure, so no hope. That's a tough pill to swallow as well, the knowing that it will get worse as time goes on. Take care of you and reach out to the group if you need to talk or vent!
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Donttestme Nov 2021
Thanks so much for your words. Yeah, a very tough pill indeed.

But yes, I have seen enough on this website alone that shows me this is the “new normal” where dementia is concerned.

it’s just us two, so I don’t have support except for this forum. Every time I try to hook up with a phone support group, my sched doesn’t allow it or my husband is with me. I’ll keep trying.

Im here too for anyone else who needs to vent!
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Please get some help in caring for your husband. If you get sick or injured or need to stay in the hospital, he will need to be cared for by others. It is better to already have people in your lives that know his routines and already help out, If you do not have enough family, friends, members of faith community, or resources to pay for helpers... then your living situation with your husband probably needs to change.
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You need support - are you in touch with any support group? Most of the time you are probably coping very well but it is foreign territory and you need to talk to people who understand and who can help you to deal both with the here and now and what the next steps are. Don't think you have to do this alone. Even talking to a stranger who knows what it is like and who may give you some tips, can be enough to right you again. This site is valuable for that, as so many of us have been there and know how hard it is to cope with these sorts of change.
Good luck!
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Donttestme Nov 2021
This site helps quite a bit. So many others are going thru this and far worse.
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Never argue… agree
never say remember
try not to ask too many questions. Try to remember his brain is BROKEN and he very likely feels something is wrong with him. I’m going thru the same thing except now my husband is VERY advanced. He thinks I’m a friend and he abandoned a wife and kids. Our kids are 44 and 46 and we’ve been married 52 years. High school sweethearts. Enjoy the time you have with him. If he starts to argue leave the room for a while then come back. Is he a veteran? If he is, he’s entitled to home health aids ( free). Get help so you can get out even to just run errands . Good luck . This is an evil disease
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You've had a nasty shock & it has rattled you. Totally understandable.

I get frustrated with others, when they say things like he/she looks fine to ME... so I get your frustration over that. How I reconcile that is factually - that they have their own eyes to see with & someone may indeed look 'fine' to them (doesn't mean they are!) But no-one can take away what I see, think & feel.

No-one is going to know your DH better than YOU!

I would certainly find it insulting if friends/family indicated they did. Probably not badly meant, just ignorant.

No broken bones for you - thanks goodness. Maybe once to your bruises heal, your can start to plan out the future. It is like grief, letting go of how you may have planned the future.

I just finish bickering with my own DH.. for a while now he has started thinking any leftovers in the fridge are within 2-3 days & he argues & gaslights if I recount the last 5 meals we ate. So now I just chuck stuff when he is out but he came home & caught me...

I totally empathise that our future retirement may well be different to the one I had planned.
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Katefalc Nov 2021
I’m sure he’s also very scared not knowing what’s happening to him
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One of the things I noticed with my Husbands dementia was a failure to "connect" he did not understand cause/effect, he lost empathy.
The only thing you can do is realize that this will continue to happen. It will get worse. He can't help it, it is the part of his brain that is damaged.
You have to learn to laugh. Yup. Even when you would least expect it. I found that a good belly laugh would stop my Husband in his tracks and then he would start laughing, forgetting what was going on, or what he was fixated on at the time. Making it easier to redirect him or diffuse the situation. Not easy to laugh sometimes but pretty soon a "forced" laugh becomes real especially when the whole situation is or seems ridiculous.

I will add this. My Husband was NEVER violent. Had he been it would not have been safe for me to keep him at home. That is one of the reasons that I established "my" break point. I always said if it became unsafe for ME to keep him at home I would have to place him. If it ever became unsafe for HIM for me to keep him at home I would have to place him. So for me it was completely based on safety. (I include not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety)
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Just today I met a woman whose husband just passed in April from LBD. When he got 'violent'. which wasn't terrible, but definitely a scary prospect, she moved him almost immediately to a MC facility. HE only lived a few months there. She said the months she watched him 'disappear' were awful and she was glad she could visit him when she felt like it. He didn't know who she was, and I guess, in a way, that helped.

My husband is 15" taller, 75 lbs heavier than I am. If he were to become violent--I'd be dead.

If you are afraid, listen to that feeling. He would never mean to hurt you, but he could, without thinking.
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You must feel terribly trapped, suffocated almost, living in such a situation with a husband who's early into the Alzheimer's journey and already acting so angry and ugly towards you. I feel upset FOR you to be going thru such a thing, and can understand why you blurted out what you did.

I think it's very important for you to formulate a plan for the future. To place him in managed care of some kind if things get bad and you can't manage him at home anymore. Even if you don't actually place him, just having the plan to do so allows your mind an escape route and thereby, a way to calm down. There's nothing worse than feeling trapped, in my opinion, to have panic attacks and feel hopelessly desperate.

Then go talk to an elder care attorney about your options down the road, about your financial situation, about Medicaid and the Look back period in your state, etc. S/he can guide you accordingly and help relieve your mind of more concerns. More plans = less stress.

This is what I did in 2014 on behalf of my parents after dad fell and broke his hip. Assisted Living followed. My mother is now 95 with advanced dementia living in Memory Care Assisted Living and brutally mean and nasty to me, the only child and only person in her life that's cared for her for 64 years aside from dad who died in 2015. The elder care attorney advised me about Medicaid requirements back in 2014 and now mom will be out of money soon, so I know what to do next, thank God.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and sending you a hug of understanding and empathy. See if you can find DH daycare so you have some downtime for yourself. Don't lose yourself in the quagmire of caregiving which we see happen here ALL the time.
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Dont, welcome to the forum!

Your profile says that your Significant Other is 60 (so young!).

Does he have a definitive dx of dementia? Was he mean before this?

One of the things that many of us have discovered is that our loved ones with dementia become "more so". Sweet people become sweeter; mean people likewise.

It sounds like you don't have much support. Have you contacted the local Area Agency on Aging to fing out what resources might be available?
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Donttestme Nov 2021
Yes, sry, I checked my profile and I entered wrong info…my husband is 67. I entered my own birthdate! Yes, he has a diagnosis of dementia.

My husband is the most kind and gentle person in the world. That’s one reason this constant arguing is wearing my down. You can’t reason with him…if you get mad at him, he turns into a petulant child. We never used to bicker li’e this.

When I fell, I needed a minute to catch my breath and just sit there for a minute, I have osteoporosis and I wanted to make sure I hadn’t really hurt myself. When my husband jutted his hand in my face and said get up very harshly, he was trying to help me, I think, but when I said no, just let me sit for a minute, then he got mad and had a tantrum and stormed off leaving me on the floor. Actually, I don’t think his outwards emotions are matching what his emotions are inside his head, if that’s possible and with this disease, I think anything is possible,

I have been trying to get my ducks in a row. I have just gotten all the power of attorneys (med, durable etc). Have yet to submit the doc to get his power of att on his SS check. We have done our wills.

I have not yet looked into memory care facilities. He is still very early stage. In fact I’ve had people tell me it’s doesn’t seem anything is wrong with him. You may think that, until you try to “do anything” with him. I found him rummaging thru the pantry, I said what are you looking for, he said the ice cream! I said we keep it in the freezer, he looked at me like I had three heads and I had to show him where the freezer is. It’s getting increasingly difficult to have any meaningful conversation with him.

I know things will get much much worse. I’m hoping that the argumentative petulant child will maybe get quieter. I shouldn’t say that because, I will be very much alone when my husband gets worse. Even though we do a lot of bickering now, at least neither of us is alone. Because yes, in the future, if I have to argue with him about using the toilet rather than a chair, I will have to get him into a place. That makes me so sad, but I know it’s inevitable. So I still have that on my list, trying to see what we can afford, if we can afford home care for a while, before he has to go into full time care.

I am trying to enjoy some of our time together. I just wish the bickering would stop. It’s something I am working on…I can’t control him, but I need to learn to control me.

I am ok after my fall - a very bruised and sore backside tho!

thanks for your comments!
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