One of the hardest parts of caregiving for me is that I don't mentally connect with my mother. I don't know how much is me and how much is her, but I've never been able to get a relationship going with her. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm going to spend time and talk with her or maybe watch some TV together. It never works out that way. Pretty soon I pull away and go about my tasks. She doesn't seem to want me around and is not very nice to talk to.
Sometimes she'll be doing things and I ask her if she wants some help. She says no. She doesn't want anyone to touch her when she walks. If I get too close to her, she stops moving and says I'm in the way. She doesn't see well, so likes to have a big area around her walker to navigate.
I have a feeling that most of this isn't my fault. It does make caregiving empty feeling, though. Mostly I feel like a visitor in the house that does all the tasks of keeping the house together. I don't feel like a daughter. I think caregiving would be a lot more rewarding if I could find a way to connect with my mother.
I gave up the attempt at getting closer somewhere in the middle of Lawrence Welk. I just can't stand that show, but she loves it.
"Things in her childhood family and her marriage were idealized and perfect. Things with her own children were distant and cold. My father didn't have anything to do with the family. He and my mother may have been close, but they never showed any affection to each other. My mother always thought that hugging and things like that should be left to the bedroom."
And there you have it - they weren't emotional people, they were distant, and that's your mother's nature. Unfortunately, it won't change.
In your next post, I want to hear about your plans for a new life, FOR YOU! You go, Girl, GO! Use that compassion and insightful analysis you have to connect with others and get some joy out of life before it's too late.
And of course I've just thought of another suggestion: start your own group, whether it's reading, gardening, knitting, crochet, crafts, or perhaps better yet - start a caregiving group to connect with others of similar situations in your area.
From what I've read of your posts, you're very intelligent, experienced, perceptive and insightful. It may be that your mother has some issues which you'll never discover, and perhaps it's time to accept that and find companionship elsewhere. I don't mean to be critical or judgmental, but it does sound as if your mother isn't a cooperative or social person and that's not going to change. Perhaps you can look to companionship elsewhere.
Two of the most exciting activities I participated in after my sister died were (a) the Jane Austen Society of North America and the (b) Assn. of American of University Women. Both were discussion groups, both were inspirational and social.
At the JASNA group meetings, we always discussed some aspect of Austen's novels, whether characters, academic analyses, social issues, etc. There was so much discussion that sometimes we stumbled over each other trying to respond!
Then we had treats afterward. Despite their high sugar content, the treats were definitely a very relaxed and social way to end the meeting.
The AAUW group was also composed of a variety of women with a variety of backgrounds. At one meeting we discussed very interesting foreign relations topics. These were well read women, with intelligent and insightful perspectives.
I always left any of those meetings with a real academic high, and not just from the sugary food either. The discussions were so inspiring. I felt really ALIVE!
Something like those kinds of groups couLD provide some counteraction to the atmosphere at home.
All her siblings are dead now. My favorite aunt left me a gift from the grave. She told my cousin to let me know it wasn't me, that my mother had always been a difficult person. How she was difficult, I don't know. She spoke of how close her family had been, but I never saw that closeness. I suspect that it was imaginary. Things in her childhood family and her marriage were idealized and perfect. Things with her own children were distant and cold. My father didn't have anything to do with the family. He and my mother may have been close, but they never showed any affection to each other. My mother always thought that hugging and things like that should be left to the bedroom.
It has always been a walking on eggshells type house, but I guess it is beyond the scope of the current situation. I just wish I could feel closer to her now. I think it would make life better... at least for me.
I agree it would be much better for both of you if a warm relationship could be established, but it seems as if that may only have occurred between your parents, if at all. They may both have been emotionally distant people.
Are you an only child? If you have siblings, do they experience the same distance that your mother seems to establish, like a barbed wire fence around her emotions keeping everyone out?
Do you have any aunts and uncles with whom you could bond, or who might shed insight into your parents' earlier relationship? You know, and I don't write this to be critical but rather possibly insightful, that your parents may not have been enthusiastic about having children because of financial constraints, or other reasons. If so, your mother may still harbor some resentment. You're the innocent party here.
I could understand a relationship such as CWillie describes; I think as old age begins demonstrating its control and we begin to decline, eventually there's some point at which confidence, hope and enthusiasm begin to be replaced by resignation and sometimes despair.
The RLTV shows periodically features older people who've challenged the typical restrictions of old age. Some of these people go skydiving, learn new challenges, etc. They're inspirational, but I know that not everyone has that confidence.
I also think that military experience is a foundation for exploring new boundaries at any age - there's a confidence that nonmilitary people may never have had the opportunity to develop.