I am my father's primary caregiver and have access to his checking and small savings. I DO NOT STEAL from him. That said, I have a sibling that said 'he doesn't know WHAT I do with Dad's money and that I have been "living off him my whole life" Actually, my father would not be able to stay in his own home if I didn't live there with him. Even though the house is paid for his only income is SS and that is poultry. Just curious if anyone else has a scary sibling? Thanks.
So sorry you are among so many of us dealing with the greedy, do nothing, back stabbing siblings. If only I could just ignore my mentally ill brother, I would. I have tried , Lord knows! But everytime things start to feel like they are settling down a bit, and I actually am able to start focusing on other things instead, he rears his ugly head again like some awful monster coming out of the bushes to scare and upset me all over again. Then all my fear, anger and frustration are right back at the surface again and I have to once again, process, try to calm down and refocus elsewhere and WAIT until the next lul is over before he manages to do something else to punish me for cutting him off from his Mother's teet! If only ignoring him would work. I think eventually, after Mom passes, I will move out of the state so I can be absolutely sure I will never see or hear from him ever again. This is my greatest wish. He truly is a monster that haunts me in a never ending nightmare.
Need I remind you these you are warning are 99.9% not working outside the caregiving role. So please explain what you may find would warrant such warnings.
Let's look at funds and expenses shall we;
If the caregiver needs food, food goes to the elder because the caregiver is both shopping and preparing meals.
If the caregiver needs utilities paid, it's because the elder is in the home and needs utilities to survive, just so happens the caregiver is under that same roof.
If the caregiver needs a cell phone paid, it's so the caregiver can call and arrange all appointments and deal with insurances, doctors, pain in-the
-ass family members, etc .. all of things are done by caregivers who are caring for elders.
If the caregiver needs a new bed, if the mattress sags then lack of sleep begins to weigh heavy and the elders care can be at risk. Again, it's ultimately for the elder...if the care giver needs a new bra or god forbid stops to get a quick hamburger, or god forbid picks up a box of cookies for some small pleasure snack only to be had at 2am after the elder is asleep... I mean I can go on and on, but last I checked a human cannot be two places at once so if someone is caring full time for another then there had better be money fed into that situation by someone and it had better not be from the caregiver because I know no other "business where the employee does all the work but never is paid.. oh wait I read somthing of that, seems it's called slavery in history books.
.. you know, you caregivers could press charges against the dead beat siblings for both willful neglect of a family member, and neglect of duress and harassment, if they are causing fear stress and emotional duress you bet you can press charges and maybe more should do that to possibly change this nightmare.
And my final spout about the g-d*mn money and caregiving... I'll remind all of you even yet again ..that if the elder was in an elder facility you can bet your bloomers that elders money, every last dime would be misappropriatied via over charging for rent of a small room, 3 meals a day meds dispersed, a bath once a week and a call button only being answered by 10 dollar an hour untrained teenagers and freaks, all at the tune of approx 5k to 11k.. yeah you read me right I didn't type stutter those dollar amounts ... but who's hauling their asses in for theft? Your family members? The state? Hell no.. so all you care givers getting grief and harassment about using the elders money to freaking survive had better grow a pair and tell everyone to either back the hell off or take your place, or you will press charges against them, it's that simple. Start turning the table.
And! If everyone would put as much time in raising hell to legislature and all the pencil pushers about the forgotten, over worked and unpaid caregivers, opposed to the over charging and damaging elder facility industry, maybe things would be different.
You want books and ledgers then it's a business.. and If it's a business in need of ledgers, most get paid in a business environment, well news flash 99.99999% of familia caregivers don't get a g-d*mn dime for triple full time jobs, not just one job, many!! With no time card to punch, no vacation and no grievance box at the office door of a manager ... so all the book keeping on top of the caregiving is added and unessasary torture, and actually the care giver should if anything start logging their time and their labor to do nothing else but to use to charge the dead beats and their state (I'll talk about that later.)
Need I remind you these you are warning to keep track odff all expenditures are 99.9% not working outside the caregiving role. So please explain what you may find would warrant such warnings .. what's the planet you live on where the cost of living is free cuz I wanna book a flight.
Let's look at funds and expenses shall we;
If the caregiver needs food, food goes to the elder because the caregiver is both shopping and preparing meals .. and might get to sit down to a plate of what's left of the food after the prepping preparing serving and then cleaning kitchen and dishes.
If the caregiver needs utilities paid, it's because the elder is in the home and needs utilities to survive, just so happens the caregiver is under that same roof and Also has needs utilities provide.
If the caregiver needs a cell phone paid, it's so the caregiver can call and arrange all appointments and deal with insurances, doctors, pain in-the
-ass family members, etc .. all of these things are done by caregivers who are caring for family elders.
If the caregiver needs a new bed because the mattress sags or a spring is jabbing them in the back (if they even have a bed, usually care givers fall asleep in chairs and on sofas) then lack of sleep begins to weigh heavy and the elders care can be at risk. Again, it's ultimately for the elder... if the care giver needs a new bra or god forbid stops to get a quick hamburger, or god forbid picks up a box of cookies for some small stupid pleasure snack only to be had at 2am after the elder is asleep...I could go on and on.
Last I checked a human cannot be two places at once, so if someone is caring full time for another human that is Not their child!!...then there had better be "money" fed into that situation by someone or someone's, and it had better not be from the caregiver... my god it had better not be coming from the caregiver... because I know of no other "business or job where the employee does all the work for 24 hours a day 365 days per year but is never paid.. oh wait, I digress, I have read somthing of that, seems it's called slavery, if you're bored you can find a little abou it in history books.
.. you know, you caregivers could press charges against the dead beat siblings for both willful neglect of a family member, and neglect of duress and harassment, if they are causing fear, stress and emotional duress, you bet your sweet poppies you can press charges and maybe more should do exactly that to possibly change this nightmare and stop the family caregiving role from being afraid and timid to an entitity to be reconnected with. You need to begin flipping the situation to; if you mess with me and try to blame me for anything I will bite your head off. (Colorful but you get my point.)
And my final spout about the g-d&mn money and caregiving... I'll remind all of you even yet again ..that if the elder was in an elder facility you can bet your bloomers that elders money, every last dime would be misappropriatied via over charging for rent of a small room, 3 meals a day meds dispersed, a bath once a week and a call button only being answered by 10 dollar an hour untrained teenagers and freaks, all at the tune of approx 5k to 11k per month (average) .. yeah you read me right I didn't type stutter those dollar amounts ... but who's hauling their asses in for theft or claiming elder abuse for misappropriation of funds? Your family members? The state? H*ll no.. so all you care givers getting grief and harassment about using the elders money to freaking survive to eat to be clothed and to have heat and air, had better grow a pair and tell everyone to either back the h*ll off or take your place, or you will press charges against them, it's that simple. Start turning the table.
And! If everyone would put as much time in raising hell to legislature and all the pencil pushers about the forgotten, over worked and unpaid caregivers, opposed to the over charging and damaging elder facility industry, maybe things would be different.
Don't take this the wrong way, but... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! Thank God you just SAID IT the way it really is in the "reality of the 24/7 caregiver" that is sacrificing ALL at the parent/s request! If I could reach through this screen and hug you, I would! It is criminal to do this to the only child that stepped up to do what was right! I know a lot about the facilities as my Mom worked in them as an RN her whole working career. I know how expensive they are, I know that those people are ignored most of the time unless they hire "outside caregivers" for more (one on one) attention. I know that because I gave up my career as a designer to learn caregiving so I was prepared on a professional level to care for Mom as she became worse. The company bills us out @ 30 an hour!!!! We get a measley 12 an hour for doing all the work. I think I made that much when I was a teenager working at a deli in a grocery store! I am almost 50 now making the same wage caring for human beings! Something is wrong with that picture. Anyway, I did this so she did not have to go broke in a facility nor go broke hiring in home help. Now, not only has she become worse as of late, I am the one who's broke now. What do I get in return? Grief, stress, anxiety, strain on my marriage, no healthcare for years now, no vacations ever, trapped, watching my life pass me by and my sick, greedy, jealous brother spreading vicious lies about me after already ruining my life on a very deep level. He is mentally screwed up and I never know what is coming my way from him next. It's making me a nervous d*mn wreck! Then I should be keeping books for him????? Really???? Not in a million years will I give him an ounce of power back over me, never again.
Again, your words were just what I needed to hear, a straightforward, unvarnished acknowledgement of reality in the life of the 24/7 caregiver. God Bless You! *HUGS* Oh, I was also trained by a professional how to care for and compression wrap her lymphatic leg from a prior cervical cancer surgery. That needs constant care and wrapping everyday, careful clipping of her toenails, & meticulous skin care. I wonder how much more that would add to the everday cost having a specialist come over to do just that? I only have her cover my share of the mortgage which comes to 30 dollars A DAY, not an hour, for me doing EVERYTHING for her. My husband makes up for the rest. But me personally, I am broke.