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Karen,

I have a similar situtation only that my Mom lives with me, my husband, and 3 boys under the age of 11. She has severe copd congestive heart failure and diabetes. She has gotten worse over the past year, and wants my full attention. It is very hard cuz I do have a family also. I feel guilty planning a night away becuz I know she will freak out. When Im not around she gets panicky even if my other sister is taking care of her. Somedays I feel like I cant do this anymore. My Mom also does alot for me money wise and such, so its hard to feel the feelings of resentment and anger. But I cant be there 24/7. just wanted to let you know you are not the only one with these feelings. Take care.
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Get the book Boundaries and read it. It helped me tremendously.
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You need to keep yourself sane first and foremost. You think you feel guilt now? Think about how guilty you would feel if you couldn't help her or your children at all because you are burnt out.

1. If she goes to church every week, talk to your priest (or church leader) and see if they have anything that she could get involved with. If not, encourage them to start something and have THEM recruit your mom to help organize it.

She needs to find something that she can rely on other than you.

2. Set limits. Explain how much you love her, but that you need time for your business. For example, you can come over from 10 am until 1 pm. STICK TO THEM. Limites that are not enforced are not effective.

3. You are not a doormat. If you do not want your mother at dinner, say, "Sorry mom, but this is a special occasion for just ____. But, I look forward to seeing you again tomorrow at 10 am!"

4. Hobbies - if she doesn't have one, get her one. Even if it's watching old movies or listening to books on tape. Not only will it take up her time, but you'll feel less guilty about not being with her all the time.

5. Speaking of guilt --- you must not blame yourself. I'm sure you're a wonderful daughter, but everyone has their limits.

Good luck!
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Excellent thoughts, juliefry!
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donnray3, do you NEED the money your mom gives you? Did you take her into your home BECAUSE you need the money? Some people are in this situation whether they like it or not. How old is your mother? How much longer do you think you CAN carry on with the present arrangement? Do NOT feel guilty when you take time away. You definitely will be able to glean good advice from this forum that was started by Karen. I would say that your first obligation is to your 3 children - if you become too worn out and become sick yourself (or worse) what will happen to them? Would your mom want her grandchildren to be motherless? She may be so affected by her illnesses that she is not thinking straight so you will have to decide what is best for EVERYONE concerned - not just her. Best wishes to you.
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Thanks for all your comments. My mom moved in with us about 4 years ago becuz she was running out of money to live on. She sold her townhome and is living off that and SS. She is 83 and has severe copd, cant get around very much. She does have some hobbies, crosswords and reading,and tv. When she moved in she was on 0xygen 24/7, but has gotten worse over the last few years as copd does. My sisters and brothers all work full time, and I am a stay at home Mom, so we thought coming to me would work the best. She does pay rent and it does help with our mortage every month. I am in the process of getting more siblings involved in the care. One comes twice a month, one twice a year, and the other two siblings on a regular basis and that does help. I dont want to say I cant do this anymore, but I feel if we were to move her now, it would kill her,
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You are no moron, you're a caring and dutiful daughter who can't hurt her mom. You're also falling for a guilt trip which is so easy to do. I am in a very, very similar situation so what I do is after lunch tell my mom - "let's go to your house for pie and coffee!" I visit in HER environment and then I leave after an hour or so. Taking her to your home makes it too easy to use guilt.

I wonder if there isn't something else going on with your mother? It's odd that she isn't able to be alone in her own home; odd that she can't keep herself occupied and odd that she won't speak unless spoken to. Perhaps she is forgetting things and feels most comfortable with you and your daughters because she knows you'll generate conversation. I know of several people who hid the early symptoms of dementia by making small talk about the immediate - the weather, the quality of the food, a flower arrangement, a blouse, etc.... Can you talk with her physician about doing tests for memory loss or dementia? Even hearing or sight loss due to cataracts can have negative impacts on her desire to get out. If she has aches and pains or forgets to take her meds without prompting that can be enough for a physician to recommend moving to an assisted living facility.

As for your guilt, all I can say is, get used to it. If you accept that you're going to feel guilty then it's easier to handle. Give yourself permission to let it go after 30 minutes or find some other approach that works for you. Even if your mom is comfortable and in an assisted apartment where aides are kind and affectionate, you'll feel guilty each time you leave and go to your own home. You'll probably feel like she feel abandoned - and she might and she might tell you so. No one will take as good care of our parents as we do and, because we know our mom's rely on us, we WANT to be there. However, we can't give up our own jobs and ability to save for our old age. Would your mom really want that? Probably not. If you learn that something physical is going on then you should feel less guilty - it's the disease or the aging process NOT your mom and so you should not feel guilty if you do all you can. Your emotional well being is important to you (obviously), to your daughters and to your mom. If you don't get time to rejuvenate how can you be kind and loving to her? Good luck and know that others are in the very same boat, just don't let your guilt sink yours!!
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lhardybeck, if you would like I will give you my mom and her house too. karenp. my mom did that same thing to me for years and years and then told people I never came to see her. Forget the guilt, live your life, YOU CANNOT FIX HER. And as the years goes by it will only get worse. Go see her breif periods a couple times a week , say about 20 mins each time, then leave and let her sit there on her pitty pot. She will pull you inside her box and shut the lid so you can't get out. It is a trap inside the box with your name written on it. Been there and was stupid enough to bring my miserable mom into my home after all the years of the same torture. It is all a mistake.
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Great sharing and post! I say follow your heart regardless. Don't worry about why others make the decisions they do in caring for their parents and others. Do what is right for you. If it makes you breathe easier, that's great. No two people are alike. No two relationships are the same. Comparisons to other caregivers who manage differently will not make feelings of frustration disappear. If anything, just the opposite in some instances. When it comes to caregivers, it is best to never assume anything, other than the fact that we are all human.
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Karen, I just saw your original post for this topic. I just want to add to the chorus of people here reassuring you that you are a good, loving daughter and you are doing the best you can! You don't need to feel guilty for anything. I know it's hard but I've had to build up kind of a "crust" or thick skin to deflect some of the abusive things that have been said to me by my Dad ( who has dementia). Maybe you could try that too. I know it sounds like we're being "cold" or harsh, but we're not. We're just protecting ourselves from irrational statements and behavior ( on the part of our parents) that could hurt or drain us and keep us from taking good care of our parents. Say to yourself: "There's only so much I can do." and believe that. Set whatever limits are necessary for you to maintain your sanity and happiness. And be good to yourself by nurturing yourself in whatever way possible, that feels good to you. You are a good, loving daughter, and you are not abandoning your mother, so you can feel good about that. You are doing the best you can.
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