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that is a very sad story , am so sorry for what your mother has went thru , your father and your mother had no commuications and didnt take her out on dates or anything . she stayed home and had no one eles but you and your father .
well dear she is set at on her own pace and that is how its been for many years . she s livin in fear and doesnt want to go places by herself .
seems to me what i said in my last post nobody agrees with me , love your mom and give her a big hug . your mom desevre happiness . if sittin on the couch makes her happy then by gosh its not hurtin her only happy to be near her only daughter she knows .
she had a rough life and phyiscal damages already been done .
shes clingin on to you cuz you are her happiness. without you only god knows what it will do to her .
maybe you could find someone that is a chatterbox and have her spend some time with your mother . she likes to hear somebody talkin to her .
think about this , your daughter will be moving out when theyre old enuff and you will be in your mothers shoes one day .
i remeber when i was little my oldest sister and my mom would hang out alot , my mom didnt drive (bad eyes). they had a good time ! laugh and we went to yard sales and out to eat . my mom and my oldest sister both were bestfriends ! till my oldest sister remaried some jerk and he took her out of state thousands miles away from home . mom would worry so much , bless her heart , takin her bestfriend and daughter away from her and didnt hear from her for years !my sis was abuse by her husband , till that jerk husband divorced her then sis would call home , only to find that mom has cancer ,
its so sad friend . i am crying right now . it hurts so much . it ruin my sister too . now shes 64 yrs old and has stage one alz . she is still thousands miles away and i cant be there for her .
begin loved and then get slap across face sure aint a way to live . like i said life too short .
if your mom wants to sit on your couch and u wanna go to movies with urdaughter just go ahead and go , tell ur mom u be back in few hrs . turn tv on for her she feels comfertable on your couch . tel her if she s going home tolock the door behind her .
youre the only daughter she has in her life .
i know i see dad everyday i take care of him everyday and there is times i just wanna walk out the front door and just keep going , its cuz im stress out and im tired . i sit out by thebarn and chillout . then i come back in and start all over again . its my dad i cant turn my back on him , he gave me a good life and spoiled me when i was growing up . i tell you i count my blessing to have him for my dad .
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That was a great answer with an answering machine you can control when you speak to her and she may be able to learn to entertain herself and start to make a life for herself-if there is a senior nearby encourage her to go even if you need to take her there the first time.
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Make your answering machine your best friend. You set the limits on what feels comfortable for you. Help her with her legitimate needs: food, shelter, clothing. Hire help for her home, health, transportation needs. Have her call the bus, or a private transport service. Who said you HAVE to do it all? If she has money, she can afford help. Boundaries are a wonderful thing, and guilt is not. You can do this. We didn't do enough boundary-setting, because we felt so much was our responsibility. It was not. We regret some of the decisions we made because one parent did not appreciate all we did for them. Violating your own boundaries leads to anger and resentment. Only YOU can change that. You cannot change your mother. With your backbone in place, train yourself to say, "No," "Sorry, not today," "Not right now," etc. It'll be OK. You're not mommy's little girl anymore, but your own woman, and that is perfectly OK to decide what is right for you, as long as it doesn't hurt (physically, etc.) another. (Not talking about the false guilt others try to inflict on us, and we ourselves sometimes pick up.) You don't even own your mom and explaination. Just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." on your way out the door. Then give yourself permission to enjoy the freedom God gave you!
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Wow, thank you all so much for your wonderful comments. I jumped out of bed this morning and rushed right over to the computer to see if anyone had responded. Thank you all once again.

To answer some questions: My mother was married once before. Her ex husband was physically abusive. He smashed her head into a wall and punched her pregnant belly and a myriad of other things she hasn't told me about. She actually had five children with this man. Her first, a baby boy, died at one month of age from pneumonia. Her ex was always abusive to her but not to the children. She lived in Ireland with him at the time and she told me she tried many times to leave him (taking the four children with her), but she could not stay away too long. Remember this is fifty something years ago. They did not have long term places for battered women to go.

She ended up leaving him for good and she left the children too. This was around the time she met my father. Her children ranged in age from nine months to ten years when she left. She did not speak with them again for many many years. I think she feared for her life. Her ex is in the IRA in Ireland and said he would kill her if he could. One of her children contacted my mom when she was about seventeen years old. I met her a few times. I met my other "sister" once. I have never met my "brothers." Growing up as an only child I really really wanted them in my life, but every time I would bring the subject up my mother would tell me not to talk about them. Maybe it was because she felt guilt at abandoning them, I don't know.

I know it seems like I kind of went off track there, and sorry, I guess I did. But I did it just to give you some background.

So although she had four other children, she really doesn't. She says that they "don't bother" with her, and I do see sorrow in her eyes. It's a catch 22 situation. Yeah, she abandoned them, but yes, she was in fear of her life. Either way, those are the facts.

My mothers "job" growing up was to run an excellent household and to take care of my dad and me. She did. The house was always spotless and I was given proper amounts of attention and affection. My mom worked a full time job, but only for a few weeks. She also did dressmaking from the house and she did that for a few hours a week. She never went out of the house unless she was with me or my dad. She never went out with friends, just me and my dad.

That was in England. We emigrated to America in 1981. My mom worked very briefly, a few months, and then went back to being a homemaker. Her life revolved around my wonderful father and me.

However, I do remember her calling me (when I lived four hundred miles away, now I live five minutes away. I moved here, VA, so I could help my mother out since my dad had passed away in 2005) and her saying many times to me, "Your dad doesn't want to be with me,he's exercising/at college so he doesn't have to be with me." And yes, my dad did go to college when he retired and yes, he did go the gym each day, but that's it. He didn't do anything out of the realm of normalcy. I also remember her saying to me, when they would come up to NJ to visit me and the kids before we moved down here, "Karen. Your dad has not said anything to me since we left the house five hours ago. Not one word." My dad would then laugh and say, "What do you want me to say?" It wasn't until I moved down here that I realized that my mother doesn't speak. Again, like I was saying in my previous post, it's always a one sided conversation, with me desperately trying to find something-anything to say to her to fill the empty silence.

My mother does live alone. I have mentioned assisted living to her before. Her doctor, in private, told me it would be the best thing for her, but mom refuses. I brought it up to her a few days ago and she said, "karen, those places are for people to go to when their families don't care about them." Knowing my mother as I do, no amount of me convincing, arguing, enlightening etc would work. I know from past experience that she only gets angry when I say anything "against" her.

This may come into play too, her own mother died when my mother was only two years old. So she grew up without the love of a mother. Her father was in a wheelchair (he was dropped down the stairs by his drunken nanny) his whole life. After her own mother died, she and her brother, a newborn, and her wheelchair bound father went to live with her uncle. My mother told me that in that house, "it was abusive. The uncle would hit his wife. Everyone was drunk. Everyone would smoke. Everyone would curse." My mother is the exact opposite of all those things, maybe because she lived in that environment. She does not curse, smoke, drink, nothing. She dresses very well, keeps her home neat, loves me and my children to the ends of the earth.

Again, the "only" problem is that she wants to see me every single day. It's like she can't breathe without me.

No, my mother has never volunteered. Yes, there are tons and tons of things going on at her church, but she either goes to very very few of them or BEGS me to go with her or doesn't go at all.

I am scared that if I die before her she will have no one. My daughters will not want to spend 20+ hours a week with her and there is no one else.

She is a loving woman, but very very stubborn. She will participate in more activities probably, but only with me. Her general response is "I'll go if you go."

I have never even been on a vacation without her. I know that if I dare to say that me and the kids are going somewhere without her, even for a day trip, she will whine and beg and moan and say that she wants to go to.

I feel like I am being strangled, but I feel terrible about feeling this way.

Any other takers?
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Dear karenp

I am so glad that people started responding quickly to your plea - I believe you truly are feeling desperate. And I can understand why because during all the 69 years my mom has been my mom she never seemed capable of being happy/content with her own company. I have learned one thing from this: a person cannot give someone else happiness or contentment - a person has to find it for him/herself.
I believe you have a RIGHT to make a life for yourself (you have been trying to start a new one on your own since the death of your husband and I imagine that is hard enough as, in addition to the stress of starting up a home-based business, I imagine you are still suffering heartbreak from the loss of your husband) and I believe you have a RIGHT to spend time with just your daughters.
You did not say how long your mother has been so dependent or why she is so dependent. Have you always been her whole life? If so, it will be tough to make a change but you must do it for your own sanity and in the end, the change should benefit your mother too. I don't know how far you want to push tough love but I think you need to start using at least a little.
And DON'T allow guilt to creep into the picture. It seems to me from what you wrote that your mother knows how to use guilt to manipulate you. I don't think that's very loving of HER. You wrote that she is kind and decent, gives you money and will do anything for you. If she will do anything for you, then expect more freedom from her.
She is not an OLD woman - she should be making more of a life for herself. Is there some reason WHY she can't? You wrote that she goes to church weekly. If she is a church-attending type woman I would think that there must be some job she could do for the church. Has she EVER done that type of thing? Has she ever volunteered for any charity? If she has always been a stay-at-home mom who never went out except to grocery shop or get her hair done, then you will have to gently but firmly get her doing something else besides being with you. There must be something she is capable of doing. Maybe your daughters could help you out that way - have them find something that their grandmother can do and ask them to get her started doing it. YOU need a well-deserved break. Please keep us posted as to what happens.
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KarenP I too feel for you. I am going through something similar as my sister, brother-n-law, and their 2 kids live with my mom, however she just called me and said they were all gone and asked if I could come over. I just left at 6:00 pm. She then called back after 3 times and said "never mind" they're here.

I too say cherish the times because when she's gone, she's gone. You won't be able to pick up the phone and listen to her. I also say you do indeed need time for yourself and your kids. Don't feel guilty for your feelings I think we've all experienced those from time to time.

Just know that I'm not alone helps me, and it will help you too. When I find myself resenting my mom, I disappear. I don't answer my phone at all and that's for my peace of mind. I know that my sister and her family are there and they will do their best. I also enlisted in home care for my mom but that's a different story in itself.

Keep on keeping on Karen and you will be blessed for doing what you're doing.
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Karen--I went through the same thing with my Mom and I can tell you this--DON"T do it.
My Mom is in a nursing home now-she's 93 and she still is only happy if I'm visiting her.
Do your best to seperate yourself from her now, see her at the most, once a week, I wish I would have done just that.
I love my Mom with all my heart but we all need freedom too.
I don't believe your doing her or yourself any favors by giving into her every whim.
My Mom doesn't even know how to make friends, she never had to, I was there all the time, don't do that to yourself.
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Dear karenp, I think the comment above is not at all helpful to you. You need help, not someone to tell you that you should feel lucky that you have a mom and should love her more and give her a big hug.

It's a tough situation for you and there's no easy or perfect solution. I would suggest that you focus on acceptance of your mother's behavior and find ways that you can go on with your life even if she's sitting on your couch. If she makes comments when you want to go to a movie with your daughters, she is being unreasonable. You can respond to that by giving in, being angry, and trying to change her, or by doing what you want and knowing in your heart that it's unreasonable for her to need you so much. By the way, does your mother live by herself? If so, you really need to try to get her into a home. Many seniors fiercely resist going into a home, but once they get there find that they have a big circle of new friends and activities.

Ultimately, you hold the power, not her. She needs your help and companionship, but there is a limit to what you can give. If you can get past your guilt and do for yourself what you need, at least one of you will be happy. Your mother will not be happy even if you see her every day. She is looking for something deeper that you can't give.

Best of luck to you.
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aww . she just loves begin with you and yuo are her best friend , she is also feeling safe begin around you .
knowing she s up at the age and is scared of begin alone .
my dad is 86 yrs old , he does not like to be around people otherthan me .
so i know what ure going thru , he moved in with me cuz he needed care 24-7 and i was willin to do that . at least ur mom is not begin loud or abusevie and causin you all kinds of problems ,
better enjoy her now cuz my friend she aint going to be around forever ,
my dad stays in the living room and i stay out in family room where my computer is and i take my break away from him . he ususaly sleeping or watching tv . i tried to get him move around do excerise . noooooooooooooo he says ,
your mom loves you and wants to be with you . i wish i have a mom . i lost her 20 yrs ago , (cancer) so dad is all i have left and i dont mind him sittin in living room and smile every time i see him .
im very close to my daughter and i think i ll do the same thing when i get old . im 47 ..:-)
give your momma a big hug for me ....
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Hi. You deserve to take time for yourself and your daughters. You're doing a LOT for your mother. Ultimately she is responsible for how she feels, you're not. Back down on how much time you're spending with your mom and don't let her make you feel guilty. You may have to live with her being unhappy with you for a while, but you really do need to keep your sanity and your health for your sake and for your daughters'.

It could be that if she no longer can depend on you to talk to her whenever she wants, she will take some responsibility for getting out and joining church groups, etc. That way you might be able to start her on a transition that's healthier for both of you. GOOD LUCK and God bless.
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