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Hi Extremely Tired. My mother doesn’t have much wrong with her physically. Her dementia is getting worse. Zero short term memory, repitive statements, questions, and now Undignosed, but completely there OCD. Bizarre rituals, poor toileting skills, She also can no longer bathe with out aides or take her prescribed medications. I have hired an agency to bathe her twice a week , and I administer her meds. She refuses to sleep in her bedroom now sleeps in family room with tv on all night. She I think is afraid to change the channel. The Fox logo has been imprinted on the LED screen. This tv is only off when the aides are here to bathe and dress her. I , like you really am you overwhelmed with placing her. It’s not guilt. Because I have done nothing wrong. It’s fear , I guess of how much she’s going to hate memory care. I had her interviewed and had a MMSE done at the memory care unit. They thought she woukd definitely qualify. She thought it was September, 2015. It was October,2018. There was a calendar right in front of her. She didn’t even know to look at it, to get the correct date. The memory care employee who administered the test, said that is very significant. So here it is now. Mid January, 2019. I was thinking in October, that by March 1, 2019, I would place her. After the holidays. Not dark dreary winter days. Now I’m thinking June. Just because I don’t want to hurt her , but from reading the responses you recived on this site, I’m going to tell myself it really would be for her own good. It wears me out , her being her 24/7. My husband is really getting tired of this situation. He works all night. He’d Very much like to come home, and eat some breakfast in peace. He can’t, she’s in the family room. Fox News on, and there’s just so much lack of privacy and peace that people can handle. Sorry if this seems to ramble. I’m in your shoes. It’s hard. Good luck. Wanted to add, that she follows me throughout the house, , records where and when I go out and return home, checks the garage every morning to see if my car or my husbands car is there, sometimes opens my bedroom door when I’m trying to sleep to look in ( I guess to see if I’m there). She does the same thing with my 23 year old daughter when she sleeps here, opens the blinds to watch my car when I’m pulling out of the driveway, and has not been out of the house (without me) since September 2018. She used to go out twice a week with a very good friend of hers who took her to restaurants. It is extremely overwhelming.
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Kristilynn Jan 2019
My Mother 's 24/7 channel is ID.. the show about murders and crime. The volume is really loud. She also sleeps in the family room too. One early morning i woke up and jumped out of bed because i heard someone screaming.. she had rolled over on the remote control. I don't know what's better Fox News or ID Murder TV allday🙃🙃
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I'm so sorry you've reached this point - not of having to place her but of feeling you've somehow failed for doing so. Sometimes we just have to make the reasoned choice instead of the emotional one, and even if you put off the need to find a place for her you know that you will not be able to keep up with her needs for long without both of you suffering the consequences. I was distraught when I finally admitted I couldn't do it alone any more, but once the decision was made a weight that had gotten heavier than I realized was lifted and I could breath again. You can visit as often as you want, you will still actively advocate for her care but there will be many others available to share the load and offer support and advice. It'll be OK.
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"Being in a home" is not the horror story you seem to think it is! I'm telling you, my mother would have died a while ago had I taken her in rather than getting her into a wonderful Assisted Living Facility (ALF). Why? Because they caught her pneumonia IMMEDIATELY, called the doc in, who put her on antibiotics the same day, and likely saved her life. These types of things have happened a few times since her placement back in 2014. She has things to do at the ALF, arts & crafts, bingo, outings, other elder companionship, 3 hot meals a day, someone helping her toilet/changing Depends, assisting with showers, washing her clothes, and the list goes on and ON. I myself am in no condition or position to take my mother in........I know darn well I can't properly care for her, nor would I want that burden. She has a much better lifestyle in the ALF since they will come GET her out of her apartment if she decides to hermit herself away *which happens quite often*. I can't say enough about having qualified caregivers and nurses looking after a parent rather than a child.

Find a facility that has happy residents and caregivers, and place your mom there, that's my suggestion. And think of it in a positive light instead of as a 'bad thing' you're doing.........you are actually doing her a FAVOR! Focus on your own health & well being so you can ditch the horrific emotional & mental toll you've been suffering. You deserve to!!

Best of luck!
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Extremely Tired,

You have EARNED that name! You have done so much already. You can’t risk an injury to your back. Then you won’t even be able to take care of yourself, let alone your mother.

Just the the fact that you are agonizing over this tells me how deeply you care for her. She is blessed to have such a loving daughter.

I don’t think you have any other choice but to seek outside help. It must devastating to be in your position. Take comfort in knowing that you are doing the very best that you can. Vent anytime. We are here to listen and hopefully help in some capacity.
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NoMore2019 Jan 2019
Um Extremely Tired is a young man. Have some respect.
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Its now what she needs not what either of you would like it to be. Like what Segoline said. Have her evaluated for LTC. Whatever money she has use for her care. Start a Medicaid application if no money. Like said you can now become the daughter not the caregiver.
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Copying this because very wise words.
Guilt implies wrong doing, you are doing nothing wrong by protecting yourself and getting her the professional help she needs. 

You are caring for her by putting her in expert hands. Sometimes, you have to detach, in order to do right by and for. That is what I have found, anyway.
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Erinm60 Jan 2019
Your reply has helped me tremendously. Thank you
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You tell her that you love her and want her to have the best care possible. You are no longer able to be that care, however you will visit and be her loving daughter and your relationship will actually improve because you will not be in excruciating pain all the time.

It is a hard thing to do, no doubt. But it's not the worst thing that could happen. You could injure yourself to a degree that would make visiting her impossible or worse yet, you could die and then who would be her advocate and daughter?

Guilt implies wrong doing, you are doing nothing wrong by protecting yourself and getting her the professional help she needs.

I didn't even have a relationship with my dad and I bawled like a baby, but I knew it was the best solution for all of us.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2019
So true! Well said.
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Extremely Tired; at what point will you EVER be able to give up the physical care of your mom? What if your back trouble is bad? Surgery? (God forbid!). What if she gets suddenly worse? Is incontinent?

If your family is in agreement right now on getting her more help than you can do for her, isn't that a really good time to do it?

If your mom moves to a nice place where there are round the clock people awake and able to help her with her physical needs, you could come and visit and be the daughter/friend again; how does that sound?
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