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I have my mom living with us now after many years (over 14) of running to her house for every little thing, cleaning it, maintenance, etc. Now that she is here, I have established boundaries, rules, reminders, etc.
I had to do it as she is emotionally exhausting to me- she is very needy - so after all of these years I finally had to get firm. She also never listened to me so that's why she is in the shape she's in (another future post). She says I am bossy but it's for her own good. I guarantee she would have been bedridden by now if I didn't make her do for herself.
She is now wheelchair bound but still able to do for herself within the chair as well as get herself in and out of it so I am blessed on that part. If the time comes that she cannot, she will have paid help or be placed.
I thankfully work from home but my day starts very early so she is aware that she has to do for herself at night and during the day. I help her out throughout the morning, day and at night as needed as well as at lunchtime and after I log off (it's mostly just getting her something to eat). I have made it clear that my son and husband have needs too and they are not going to be neglected. So, here are my boundaries/rules. You may find some funny or helpful. What's yours?


1. On work nights, do not get me up for something that you can do. I will check on you early in the morning and get your breakfast ready when you get up. During the day, you are on your own and especially when I am in a meeting. I will be aware if it's an emergency.
2. If you're hungry, there's plenty in the pantry and fridge- all you have to do is look.
3. I do not need to justify what I am doing in my home. If I want to paint every room every day I will.
4. We will eat supper after I work out.
5. If you don't like what's for supper there's a microwave meal.
6. When we run to the store or other errands of an evening and you don't want to eat so late, there's a microwave meal.
7. Saturdays most weeks are for my husband and I to go out and enjoy ourselves (we also use that day to see homes as we are house hunting). We will be home when we get home. No, I cannot give an exact time.
8. Pay attention when the Physical Therapist comes. You need to do these exercises every day. I should not need to remember them for you.
9. Look at the exercise paper the PT left for you. I cannot exercise for you.
10. We are not a 5-star restaurant, Assisted Living or Nursing Home. Meals will happen when and as they happen. I promise you will not starve.
11. I am not doing laundry every day. You have plenty of clean clothes for the week.
12. I have locked up my house, turned off lights, etc. for over 20 years. I do this every night. Yes, I remembered.
13. Once we move, you will have your very own area that is wheelchair accessible and with a door that locks from our side.


:) :)

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This one is a boundary for me when cleaning up my mother who is incontinent. I don't touch her private. I just don't. Just the thought of it is disturbing and disgusting.

I wear gloves. I use a postpartum bottle to squirt some water in the back area, then squirt some soap, then I tell her or guide her hand there so she can wash herself as I squirt more water until it's clean. I do the same for the front. Then I hand her a towel on a hanger so she can dry herself, then she puts the towel back on the hanger. Then I spray down the toilet seat with rubbing alcohol then wipe it clean. No touching.
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Shell38314 Jan 2021
Polarbear,
That is a really smart idea!
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We made the decision to move my mom to a retirement home. Initially she was resistant but she has adjusted very well. My mother has memory loss and didn't want any outside help. I live less than five minutes from where she lived so she depended on me for everything. She was also depressed and mourning the loss of her long time companion. She has outlived all of her friends and had no one left to socialize with except myself. She was living on junk food as she doesn't like to cook. Since moving she is enjoying three good meals every day and is getting her meds on a regular basis. The home is beautiful and the staff are wonderful. They have a variety of activities and entertainment. Even though she didn't want to move it was a good move for her and for me. Don't feel guilty about relocating a loved one. It's the only way to save your sanity.
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contact her doctor or me to have him referyou to a company that takes care of this and advises you! You rules are ALL OR NOTHING! I feel bad for her! You give yourself alot of credit but I DO NOT HEAR?SEE any kindness, love, patience. empathy, sympathy! If you traded places I do not think you would like these rules! YOU NEED TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE or consider a VERY NICE Sr Citizen's Facility!
She deserves better & you are worn out, resentful and too angry, please get some HospiceCompany to refer you to a family therapist! You probably will NOT like what I wrote but it is all true. if you are religious see your pastor for a long talk!
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Impossible Jan 2021
I agree. They both deserve better.
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It sounds like you are at the end of your rope. I hope you will consider moving your mom to a retirement home. She will be looked after and she won't feel like she is a burden. She needs to be with other people and have friends and activities. You need to be free of the responsibility of her care. I've been where you are and the resentment will only keep building up until you make other arrangements. Now that my mom has moved I am no longer stressed and angry and impatient with her. I can now visit with her, take her out and enjoy being with her like we did in her younger days.
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An interesting post, although clearly tailored to your own situation. I wish that the Moderators could set up a Care Topic for Boundaries, which is such a common issue. More examples for people in different circumstances could be really helpful. Perhaps a few articles, as well as Q & A.
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ybd311 Jan 2021
I agree, boundaries is a hot topic!!
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Excellent! You have discovered early on what many of us stumbled over late in the game. When you are left taking care of a controlling, judgmental and stubborn aged parent in your home and they still think they are the boss it can be dicey. I’ve learned a lot and will not force my children to go through this. Hopefully you and your spouse are doing well throughout this. THAT is the most important factor. Unfortunately not all elderly parents are sweet, humble and compliant when left to their children’s care. If so, nursing homes would probably not be bursting at the seams with patients. I always maintain if it weren’t for my mom’s nastiness and critical nature (which did not just occur with aging) this might actually be quite pleasant for all of us. You will know when you’re ready to place your mom in a NH. For now if these rules work God Bless you.
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Sounds good. But I do wonder what will happen when Mom's mentation doesn't allow her to remain within the bounds of the boundaries? Would that be placement? I think long as you are willing to do that, this sounds good.
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freqflyer Jan 2021
You're right, there will be a time when a parent doesn't remember.

I remember when I broke my right arm and couldn't drive. I let my parents know about. The next day my Dad asked me to drive him to the barbershop.... where is my helmet [had bang head against wall].
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Excellent boundaries!

If she starts pushing back, remind her that this is the care you are ABLE to provide. The boundaries are there to preserve your health and sanity as well as maintain her health and independence.

Remind her that if she needs more help, then it is time to investigate the OTHER options for her own health and safety.
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Impossible Jan 2021
Yes, when parents refuse any outside help and expect their children to be at their beck and call it is time to look at a home for them. We do have a duty to ensure our parent's well being but we shouldn't have to sacrifice our own life.
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Fantastic boundaries! Lots of good, practical examples. Thanks!
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ybd311 Jan 2021
Thank you!! :)
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If it works for now, fine and good. The sad thing, though, is that she will get worse. My sisters and I have decided that none of us will allow Mom to move in with us because we know that none of us could deal with the 24/7 care. I know for sure that Mom would not remember even a third of these rules and writing them down would not help. Mom will stay in her own home as long as she can make it work. When/if she can no longer deal with being alone at night or making her own meals she will need to go into some kind of residential care. At this time she is unwilling to discuss it. We all hope that she can remain strong enough and present enough to stay where she is until she passes. She is 96 and could live to 100, I suppose. We all hope that she can pass easily in her sleep. Nevertheless, life with Mom is a constant reviewing and changing expectations. You do sound exhausted--so many of your rules seem defensive. Take care of yourself. You do seem to understand that you need to put your own needs ahead of your mother's. You also seem to me that you might be a bit too strong for your own good--or your mother's. Please be on the look-out for the time when she needs to be in residential care and be strong enough to make that decision before it is a crisis. Take time to be happy, if you can. Maybe Saturday with your husband is not enough. Can you make some time for just you? Best of luck. I know it is difficult.
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ybd311 Jan 2021
You've got some good points and you're right! :)
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