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My dad left my mom with a lot of money when he passed 10 years ago. She shouldn’t need to do anything to make money. Just to spend wisely. She is now 69 and met a 55 yr old man. The man worked part time at a farm type store when they met. Well he got fired, and he drinks 32 cans of beer and mixed drinks a day. He started flirting with her when he came over to help with home repairs. She stopped going to church, started drinking with him. She pays for his insurance and everything else. He is talking to her about investments with her money. Anyone who speaks up - she says doesn’t like them and she cuts them off from communication. They met 2 months ago and plan to marry in the summer. She won’t hear of a prenup neither. Afraid he will leave her poor and alone. I don’t feel that there is anything I can do. Otherwise I’ll be out of her life too. And at least I’m in it right now. Any advice is welcomed.

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I want to add something here......hire a private detective and do some heavy duty background checking. But be very careful as these people are dangerous and are capable of doing horrible things. If something is "found", present it to your mother but do NOT expect her to believe anything and she may turn on you for not "trusting" her or not being "happy" for her. Be careful.
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I hate to say this but unless you hold her Power of Attorney (which I think she would fight in view of this man in her life), there is not much you can do. You can try to reason with her until the cows come home but I don't think anything is going to change - until he has a means to get the money. Perhaps others have better advice. I have learned a long time ago, when I see situations similar to this and no matter what you do or try to explain, the people refuse to see the real facts. Well, I just tell them then point blank - when the shit hits the fan (and I assure you it will), you WILL NOT BE THERE TO PICK UP THE PIECES. If they do not listen and do the right thing, there is nothing you can do but WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK! Sometimes that is the hardest thing in life to do but in the long run it yield the best outcome. Done there, did that! I know you love your mother and just maybe the shock will set her senses right. But if not, and I doubt it will work in your favor, walk away and make a life for yourself.
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Minngirl, please do a back ground check on this guy. Be very careful confronting him. Not trying to be an alarmist but I saw a 48hours or Dateline about 2 months ago that had a similar situation and the daughter became an open critic of the husband and he attacked her in the parking lot of her apartment and tried to kill her, she fought hard and ended up killing the guy by shoving the knife he attacked her with through his eye, she had kicked it out of his hand.

She said that she knew it would kill evil because of zombies program she had watched.

So be careful what you do. I know how terribly wrong this situation can go.

Hugs!
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Minngirl Mar 2019
yes. I saw that one too!
And I think her dog helped pull him off as well.
I live 3 hours away. I think he stays too drunk to drive that far without wrecking or getting pulled over
But yes. It is best to be aware of my surroundings
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NeedHelpWithMom: I meant to say that I was glad that your daughter got away from that bad man!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Llama,

Thanks. I appreciate that. I am glad too. She was really scared. I think she still looks over her shoulder but it’s better.

He became abusive even to her dog. He threw something really hard and hit him in the eye, the dog started crying and she took him to the vet. Poor dog is now blind in one eye. Detached retina.
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Need: So true!
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Sounds like you need to go the private detective route. Let us know what happens. We are pulling and praying for you.
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I will repeat myself. Hire a private professional detective/investigator so you can
have an official document to show both Mom and low-life guy the facts. The odds are he will disappear knowing you "have it all" and are serious about involving the law. It will be the best investment you have ever made.
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Minngirl Mar 2019
That is a good idea
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No matter what you think or do, unless your mother has been declared legally
incompetent, she can make any ill advised choice she desires. Talking to her about prenups and trust lawyers may fall on deaf ears. Calling the police seems like an extremely bad move unless this man has been physically abusive. Even then, abused spouses often refuse to report abuse. Unfortunately we cannot control our elder parent's choices as they could not control our teenage follies!
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That’s a tough one. Pray she change her mind.
Have you seek legal advise? Not sure anything can be done but there is so much at stake!
Good luck🙏🏼
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See if you can declare her incompetent.. Get a lawyer.
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This is what puzzles me.

Your mother met this man two months ago. She knew nothing about him before and moved in completely different social circles.

You also state about him: This man has many DUI, divorce, bankruptcy, he can’t hold a job, drinks all the time, oh and he is also in a 5 yr relationship with another woman his age.

So how come everyone else knows that about him but your mother doesn't? Where has this information come from?
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
She may know but is in denial. Love is blind! She’s in love!!!
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OP this situation seems like a car crash waiting to happen. If you and your family can be united on helping your mother all the better. As others have said, you need to keep a poker face while doing the following:

Get good legal advice

Get good medical advice. Should a woman of your mother's age be getting testosterone shots? You need to check with a doctor if they could be affecting her ability to make decisions. Tell your doctor you are worried about your mother's ability to maintain medical care going forward.

If you can hire a good private detective and get her or him on this man's case. In the meantime google this man. If he has a facebook profile with pictures on it run the pictures through tineye.com. There are websites dedicated to romantic scammers so you might put his description up there and check him out

Also alert the police to the fact that he drives drunk. Tell him you are concerned about him driving your mother around while he is drunk. Give them the description of the car and ask them to keep a look out for him.

If your mother has been influenced so much in 2 months it would raise suspicions in the minds of many about her decision making abilities.
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Stop your mother from marrying this "Sweetheart Scammer" before it's too late. This topic just came up locally and you best believe that elderly women are sweetheart scammed a lot!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
It’s any age. My college age daughter had to dump a guy because he constantly asked her to buy him food. He spent all of his money on video games.

That was only part of the reason she broke up with him. He became jealous, suicidal, abusive, he threatened to kill her. She ended up having to get restraining order he got so crazy.

But he was absolutely charming at first! That is how they bait women.
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Cherokee,

Thanks for giving a professional perspective on this topic. It crossed my mind. People with a nasty character like this man has wouldn’t care if he was spreading a disease or not. It’s awful that people do that. They don’t care about taking advantage of a vulnerable person and hurting them in more ways than just taking their money, which by itself is horrible.
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Know what else? Delicate topic but... I would insist that she get tested for STD’s. Like I said before, you know nothing about this guy. He could have given her a disease that needs medical attention.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 2019
@Minngirl. Yes please have her checked for STDs. It is a problem in the elderly that’s never really talked about much. In situations just as yours, it can happen.. i used to work in the medical field and have seen it happen with my own eyes......much love and prayers sent your way in this most difficult situation 💞
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You know, maybe you could do an episode of Dateline after this is resolved. Would serve him right to be exposed for the sleazy scumbag that he is!

I feel you did the right thing to go to the police.

Watch your back though. Desperate people do desperate things. My daughter had to get a restraining order against an ex.
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@needhelpwithmom
When the police are called out- sometime he’s been hiding in the bedroom- because he’s too drunk to be seen. However it’s also not illegal to be drunk in your own home either. So no, they are not able to help with the root of the issue. Just the immediate one
its crazy how someone who has never drank before can instantly become a drunk. Like they get drunk every single night. They just don’t have a glass of wine or the such.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Geeeez, you have so much on your plate. I will keep you in my prayers. Don’t give up.
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Heard this song before. Seen many situations where young girls marry old wealthy men, just to cash in! Just awful.
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Update: last night the police where called out to her house again by her sister. Her sister just wanted her stuff out of there so she can find another place to live. She is scared for her safety.

I called APS today and filled a report.
Im not sure what can be done
or how long it takes. Yes I hung up the phone not thinking to ask that question.

I feel like I’m watching Dateline
My heart aches and my nerves are shot
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
So sorry. Will pray for her safety and you and your aunt as well. God bless you. Terrible situation to be in. Are the police able to help you?
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I'm just feeling for ya....sounds like a slow train wreck.

Do your best to protect her [in all the ways ppl have suggested!] Let us know how it goes!

More power to you!!
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I was thinking that going to the local police and explaining the situation might help. They may be able to knock on the door and do a well check and then just drive by occasionally and that could scare him away.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Can’t hurt. Worth a try but I have a feeling this guy will stick around so he can get his greedy hands on as much as he can.
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The most vulnerable need our help, She’s lonely, and someone noticed. People mentioned checking him out.
If after meeting and talking to him a few times, you “see all you need too” go, in person to local police, tell them the situation, they may not be able to help, may tell you who can. but being aware, they know, If you need them, it’s done.

After you have knowledge, don’t share it with your mom, share it with him. If it’s not appealing, he’ll start lying, if she says something, her safety is at risk. He already sees her as a victim. The sad thing, this happens at all ages.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Yep, she is vulnerable and he is taking advantage. They know who to target for their victim.
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Don't waste time. HIRE a private detective with experience and good reputation.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Good advice! He’s probably taken advantage of others too.
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This guy has so many problems (particularly the excessive drinking) that even if his deliberate goal isn't to scam her, his habits and behavior will result in expensive problems (let alone potential tragedy--such as when he kills a family while driving drunk). Hopedly she doesn't ride with him--or have gotten to drinking so much herself that SHE causes an accident.
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To add more to my first post, check out "want ads" (locally and on the internet). Post his picture on Facebook and outline the situation and see if anyone has any info on him or had a similar issue (maybe use an "anonymous" account and make sure not to say anything that could be construed as libel or slander (not sure which is which); use disposable/burner cell phones to talk with people who come forward, if any. Meet in a public place if someone wants to meet and don't drive your own vehicle. Try talking with the employer who fired him, and any ones before that. They might not be able to tell you anything, but if you tell them what is going on, maybe they will...or someone who worked with him will have info. If you haven't already done so, run a background check on him. My bet is he isn't even using his real name, which I believe is illegal. Just use any means you have and can think of to GO AFTER HIM.

Some of this may sound very goofy, but this situation is not and is exactly what TV shows and movies are made from. If you explore all roads and do everything you can think of to stop this guy and things still move forward with the marriage, then you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to protect your mom.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Yep, this guy is a loser with a capital L. I like the idea of speaking with former employer and maybe fellow employees too.
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Find a way to go after HIM. Report him to the police, APS, Office on Aging, etc. Maybe even find an attorney who will go after him. Get advice from all these sources. Clearly this guy is a scam artist, and there is a way to pursue action against him, but I'm just not sure how. Maybe even contact the FBI or your local political representatives (senator/congressman). He might be someone they are already looking for or trying to go after, even for other reasons you are not aware of. You see these stories all the time, so if the guy is doing ANYTHING illegal, someone is looking for him and wanting to get him off the streets. Just keep telling your story and reporting him to anyone and everyone who will listen. How about the local news stations? If nothing else, it might scare him away if his face is all over the news! But don't stop until he is gone from your mother's life. Deal with her AFTER he is gone....it will be much easier, even if she is angry with you, but at least she will be safe.
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moecam Mar 2019
If he is 'wanted' then what better way to hide than to move in with someone so he can disappear in plain site because then there is no address in their name - he could also be married & about to commit bigamy
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You should be scared! I have seen this scenario too often in the last 30 years - younger man moves in, marries the widow and winds up taking everything and then leaves to find another widow.

Most states have a department that deals with Scamming the Elderly. Find help now, before it is too late.
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vonrock Mar 2019
I see it too, and it has no age barrier. Too often
young women, with 2 fatherless kids, no love or money, future of family. More lying boyfriends.

“Too late” the two most important words here.
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I would pay close attention to what uneekguy has to say. Move quickly. Also, you might want to talk to the office of aging in your area to better understand your responsibilities. Here’s what I mean.

If you mom starts going down the path of dementia and cannot take care of herself and this lowlife has taken her money and is gone, you as family will most likely be responsible if anything happens to her. In otherwords you will end up with legal problems, if harm comes to her.

What I would do is get with an attorney and see if he can draft a legal paper that your mom has to sign that states the situation that you have described and that you will NEVER be responsible for her under any circumstances. Once it is drawn up, ask the attorney how it is to be signed, e.g. in front of him or in front of any witness. This document might even be in a form similar to a divorce.

The next thing I would do is go to the office of the chief of police and ask if you could have a private conversation with him/her. You might need to make an appointment but do it. Don’t just talk with a clerk. Explain the situation to the chief and ask him/her if he/she would keep a copy of the document on file, so if there is a problem down the road, they will have it on file and you can remind them of it and the conversation. The chief will also want to run a check on this guy. You can do something similar by going to www.beenverified.com.

In short, at this point it is a matter of protecting yourself; not your mom. At her age now, it is not a big deal. Give it 10 to 15 years, and you have a big problem, if you have not protected yourself. If she has a problem and the police come to your door, you get out the signed document and explain to them that you are not legally responsible for her and politely ask them to leave and speak with the chief of police, as the document is on file. Again...protect YOU now.

If your mom signs the legal document, it might give her pause to think. If she refuses to sign it, go back to the attorney for advice. This could end up in court, but you have to protect yourself!

If you are in a situation to be able to move out if state, do it. If things go bad for your mom, and they will, don’t fall for cries. She’s an adult, and you will have given her plenty of opportunity to see the light.

I was very close to my mom who died from Alzheimer’s. I was her caregiver for a very long time, as in 20 years. Had anything like you are experiencing happened to my mom, my two “associates” would have made sure the “boyfriend” disappeared. (Not a joke. I respect the police, but sometimes their hands are tied...mine are not.)

You must take care of yourself. Quickly!
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vonrock Mar 2019
A problem at any age ! Protecting Her is paramount.
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So sorry about this situation for you. You are doing great if you have not blown up at her like her sister (or I would have). At least you are still in her life cuz she will need you when it is over. Good suggestions from all the others here. The Elder Abuse agency or Adult Protective Services sounds like a possibility for help and you could do it anonymously. Such a detestable man doing this to your mom. Cut off friends, family, church and got POA - huge blinking danger signs! Good luck sweet daughter!
Regarding the testosterone - that could be part of the problem. I was told I had low testosterone and doctor was suggesting shots or patch but I resisted. Another doctor told me to never be persuaded to do that. Hormones can make people crazy - as women we all know that.
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I also tweeted your story to Dr Phil who has these stories on his show
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