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Late last May my husband entered memory care in a well-run facility. I'd been caring for him at home (with caregiver help) for five years as his dementia and mobility worsened. Then Covid struck and further damaged his strength and cognition. He became too weak and confused for me to physically manage his care at home (too many falls, unable to stand or walk more than a couple of steps, severe incontinence, etc.). His first month in the new facility, he seemed blissful, often telling me what a wonderful place it was and how happy he was there. My last two visits, he started asking when he would be coming home, that he does not like being "stuck" in this place. I say things like "you need to be here to be getting stronger," which he seemed to understand at first. Do forum members have experience with this shift from happy to restless and discontent? I felt so lucky that he seemed to love it at first, and it pains me that he is unhappy. There is no way he can come home, but I am feeling sad and more guilty than I did at first. I wonder if anyone has useful phrases or conversations to divert the attention from his unhappiness at my leaving him there?


Thanks to everyone who has chimed in on my various postings. I so appreciate this forum.

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Let dh know that he's living where he is under doctors orders. If and when the doctor says he's improved to the point he can leave, then you'll discuss it. Until then, he has to stay put. Then distract him with a snack or a walk/ ride around the grounds.

Please don't be swayed by posters here Trying to guilt you in any way. Memory Care Assisted Living is often the best case scenario for elders suffering with dementia to keep them SAFE and well cared for. We're not The Bad Guys, nor is the MC facility, but the miserable disease itself.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
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Guilt infers fault, and you didn't cause his problems and can't fix them, and trying to care ongoing could kill you. Then what for him without even your visits.

I only can hope that he will change back to loving it. You can't predict where his mind will take him. Use the right G-word because what you tell yourself in your own mind is so important. You are Grieving, and that is g-word enough. This is worth the grieving, for it is terribly sad and heartbreaking.

I hope things get better for him. Ask at the facility and I bet you will hear he is OK after you leave with his own routine. My best out to you.
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You’ve received good answers. Just wanted to say that I understand that you are sad. I would be sad too.

Wishing you and your husband peace during this difficult time in your lives.

Please know that you made the right decision to place him. He is safe and that is what is most important.
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My hubby always said he wanted to go home....even when he was home. Sadly they don't really know where they are, so just comfort him and tell him you love him and offer him a goodie or turn on the tv or play a game or change the conversation. and PLEASE, do not feel guilty. You are not at fault. You seem to be a lovely soulful person. Do tell him often how much you love him and how much he meant to you and that it was a wonderful life with him and that you are lucky to have had him as a husband. When he's gone you will regret not having done that.
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A few things to try:

You need to stay until Doctor ABC believes you can go home.
COVID is still making everyone sick and you're safer here.
Our home is getting [insert something here] and we'll re-talk about it when [something] is finished.
When it is safe.

If he's made friends:

If you leave now, [person 1 and/or person 2] will miss your company. We'll visit this again later.

Or even:

We can't move you today because it is a holiday. We'll try again some other time.

and change the subject!
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Ah, the "honeymoon" phase is over and he realizes where he is at .

At this point all you can do is continue to "lie" and hope he doesn't keep bringing this up.
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Lovemom1941 Jul 2023
It’s not really a lie to say if his doctor releases him, he can go home. This is fact. The doctor isn’t likely to release him under the circumstances but it’s not necessary to add that in.
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I don't know the solution or what will help, but I feel for you, feel for both of you.

I will get the "I want to go home" speech this week too.
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You may find that this is a stage, and as the dementia progresses, he will forget that he ever lived anywhere else! I found that before I got used to one dementia stage, my DH was on to the next stage. I would just say, "I'll talk to the doctor about it", or change the subject. Dementia is a hard battle for you as the caregiver - I'm praying that God will give you wisdom and peace.
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What happened to the responder's ID?
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southernwave Jul 2023
Edit button is also missing
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Get a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can write prescriptions order a brain scan. He can also communicate with you and your husband. Happiness is not in your job description, but safety and compassionate care are.

Please seek out a support group for yourself.
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Way2tired Jul 2023
The brain scan can be skipped at this level of dementia . It won’t change med treatment for the behaviors .
The scan itself is upsetting to go through at this stage .
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