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I have lost both parents after caregiving for them several years. I was a college student when my middle aged mother passed and almost 60 when my father passed at age 93yrs. I found this second death more difficult because I had my father in my entire life while my mother's involvement was critical it was short lived.
I have been able to slowing get some much needed sleep and I am finding peace with his passing. I am proud I was able to care for him at home and he felt loved each day of his life. However, I am older myself and now have to sort out the rest of my life. Do I continue to work full time or do I retire? If I retire what do I do with my time? Being a full time caregiver with a full time job, figuring out what to do with my time was not a problem prior to my dad's passing. There is a sense of let down once the parent passes but if your parent is elderly you know in your mind that death is the last chapter. No one lives forever and most elderly understand this even if they don't say so.

I have refrained from big changes, moves --purchases etc. I think it takes a while to understand what you really want to do after such a death in the family.
I would suggest going so and do what feels right. Holidays, Christmas is a challenge for me so I am doing what I feel up to doing. However, it is a different Christmas without either parent alive and I realize it.

When it comes, you will be ok. If you can be a caregiver, you are a very strong person and will manage fine. As far as visiting this site, I didn't have time to visit this site until my father had passed.

Elizabeth
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That is an excellent guestion, I'm in the same situation, I've been a cargivier for 22 yrs, my parents, now my mother, with Alzheimer's she's 91, everyday I have thoughts, that it's getting closer for me in losing her, I have friends, family, that say come stay with us,until you get back on your feet. Well!, I've thought about it with God, and my, answer to myself is, move out of the house asap, don't stay any longer than I have to, and start over. new furniture, nothing big that reminds me of them, and the little things I can't part with put away, and when I 'm ready I'll open up. Of course, I feel this is what God is telling me to do.
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I wanted to answer this for you as well. Things don't get back to "normal" for quite a while. Yes, the stress from caretaking is gone, but for me, the guilt started right after that. "What could I have done better for her?" Why did I lose my patience with her at times? I think there is a whole set of things that happen to each person and as they said above...each person is different. My mom passed away in April and it's still very very raw to me. Christmas is here and my mom isn't. It's been difficult for me but I'm continuing with life. It's strange because after caring for mommy, I decided to go back to college to get my degree in Social Work so that I could work with the elderly. I actually miss the caretaking and of course, the love my mom gave me. I now want to give back and I'm 54 so I had better start now LOL. I don't think I'll ever get over missing mommy and there are many times that something happens that I get the urge to call her. Many times when I've done something that I don't think my mom would approve of and I still get the Uh-oh feeling in my gut. I then immediately realize she's gone and that's been the hardest for me. She was my moral compass per se and she was the last immediate person in the family who knew me as a child. Now, those memories are locking inside me but there's no one to share them with who remembers. All that being said, I'm slowly getting on with life. It's different and it's emotional. I feel like an orphan now but I do have other family and I'm continuing to try and keep a good outlook. I hope this didn't bother you but I wanted you to have a very "real" perception of what it's like. Enjoy your loved one somehow now. The days become very short. Hugs and best wishes to you.
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Every answer is unique because it's YOUR life. Every move you make has an element of choice in it. It's not just what gets handed to you in the way of circumstances, or what "happens to you" from the outside. You have feelings and still you are the one in the driver's seat.
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After they pass most caregivers go through a long period of grief and a readjustment to a entirely new life.You will discover you are now a new person and many times realize you were a lot tougher than you thought when it all began.Old wounds will take a long time to heal if ever.It is best to leave them (resentment wounds) alone during the first phase of getting back to 'normal' and take care of yourself.Long term caregiving stress does a lot of damage to your immune system and you must be on guard to the damage it may of done to your own health.A good comprehensive health check should be one of the first things on your list.Eventually you begin to reflect back on the lost years and start feeling better about yourself because you tried to do the best job possible.You will discover you have found many new friends during the journey yet lost many who you thought you could count on but deserted you and your folks in time of need.You also better understand how the 'system' works and that is a good lesson to pass on to others who have yet to begin the journey,
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There are as many 'solutions' to life after caregiving as there are caregivers. Many continue to find people to care for. And almost all have suggestions for other caregivers, especially for ways they would redo situations they encountered. My hope is that caregivers realize how important it is to prepare 'directions' for the care they want/need from their caregivers when the time comes.
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Over the past two years I have had a loved one in both situations....my mother placed herself in a home several years ago, this was what she wanted and I made sure she was close to me so that I could see her whenever I could. My mother-in-law was moved into a private home, attached to our home, when she could no longer care for herself. A year ago we had to place her in a nursing home as I was no longer physically able to care for her. My mother passed away in 2010 and I still miss her, but with her being in a home it didn't impact my life as much. I was so busy taking care of my mil that I didn't have time to sit and grieve, which I think for me was better. The day we moved my mil to the NH, I came home, looked around and just sat down. I listened to the quiet all around me, I looked around at things that I had neglected in my own life, I thought about how much better it was going to be on my mil because the home had the means to lift her, which I was no longer able to do. Then I started to think about the things I used to enjoy that I could now start doing again without interruption. It's not an overnight accomplishment; it takes time to get yourself back. For some, care giving becomes such an all-encompassing role that they forget about themselves and the fact that they still have a life and personality separate from care giving. It does take a toll on our mental and physical health and I am a great advocate for doing everything possible to keep a part of yourself "away" from the care giving. I know that's not possible for some, as there are no family members or others to take over occasionally. The transition can be easier by acknowledging that this cycle of life will continue, the inevitable will happen, and then it will be time to pick up your life and continue on your own journey.
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First of all, each person's response is unique...I just lost my mother after caring for her for years. To think that there is a sudden return to normal seems unrealistic because I need to find a new normal. I think being kind and patient to yourself as you have to your loved one for so long, is important to do for yourself, as you adjust to all of the changes. And there are many many changes. But each day offers an opportunity to start new creative things that you enjoy that have been 'shelved' for so long. Some may work, some won't. I'm trying to relearn how to play the piano with an electronic keyboard and reconnect with a previous employer to consider part-time work in a few months. There are many support groups for grieving people...Hospice offers a wonderful supportive network. I believe this forum is also an opportunity to know that you're not alone. There is life after your loss, but it's probably a new life that may look a little different...after all, we've had the privilege of an experience that many shy away from. Let's allow that to broaden our perspective on ourselves as well.
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Maybe I'm not the most typical member but I had been taking care of both parents since 2008. My Mom passed away on October 31st - the eve of All Saints Day. Even though my Dad still needs care, I feel lost without my Mom to take care of. One thing, though, I am sure of - it was definitely worth everything to make sure Mom had what she needed.

Both Mom and Dad (especially Mom) wanted to continue living at home for as long as possible. Since Mom had multiple healthcare issues, including uncontrollable seizures, I think it was best to have as much one-on-one attention and towards the end, it was two-on-one attention.

I, too, am interested to find out what happens when both parents are gone. How do you get your life back?
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