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Realize the power here lies with you. Discussing this with your mom will never lead to any change. It will take you deciding on your own that you’re not continuing in the role as it is. And then you move and your mom figures out her next plan for care. No plan works without you taking your power back. I wish you peace
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Can you arrange an appointment with your doctor and get someone to sit with her. Explain the whole situation to the doctor. It sounds like your mother has mental health problems if she is capable of getting out of bed but refuses. She may be coherent but it is not normal to refuse to get of bed if she is capable of doing so.

Does she get out of bed to go to the toilet or do you have to change her?

She needs to be checked over for dementia and overall health. TOUGH if she doesn't want anyone in the house. Tell her that if she were capable of getting out of bed and looking after herself she wouldn't need a check-up. You have had 3 years of doing things you don't want to do so visits from healthcare professionals to assess your mother's health won't kill her.

Once she is medically assessed you can make plans to get out. Make sure you have enough money to do this and that once you get out you can get a job.
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If she’s coherent it sounds like you don’t need to remain w her all the time, she’s being manipulative- go run to the store and ignore her complaining. That doesn’t answer the question tho how to exit ,I’d have to think about it more
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Legna58: You cannot continue in this dynamic. Your mother will have to opt for her own care.
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Can people be indicted for elder abuse or neglect? Just like you can't neglect or abandon a child? Just asking. And, what will you do when your mother is older? Mine is 101, and still "coherent" - but can't do anything at all anymore. I have been her 24/7 caregiver since she was in her 80's.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2022
If you have taken on a binding responsibility to care for her indefinitely in return for payment (like inheriting her house) it’s possible that you could be sued (by her) for breach of contract. If you have provided her with alternatives, and offered to help, then I very much doubt if you could be ‘guilty’ of ‘abandonment’. Slavery is no longer legal. If you stop the support, and her living conditions deteriorate, you should contact APS.
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When I stepped up to care for my father it was with a heavy heart, I was sort of given no choice by my siblings who didn’t want to give up their selfish little lives and pretty much want his money when he dies, so they refuse to put him into care. I barely talk to my brother and my sister only rings when she’s having a bad day.
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Are you in charge of her finances?
Bring in someone and introduce as a "friend" for a couple of hours a day (example: Visiting Angels). Then let the visiting time get longer. Soon they will be "friends" and then she will have confidence in that person then that person will become the caregiver.
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You want to be COMPLETELY OUT, so the suggestions of hiring outside help are really not helpful.

You are enmeshed in a sick co-dependent relationship and you know it. You also know you can't do this break-up alone.

We haven't heard back from you. We all have some ??

MOM is 58 or YOU are? either way, the relationship is twisted.

Mom is UNABLE to get out of bed or UNWILLING? 2 entirely different scenarios.

FINANCIALLY--are you dependent on her or vice versa?

I don't see a way you can 'part time' leave her. I did elder care, and the most I could work in a week was 32 hours. That isn't much. And all my clients were living with family. It was still grueling for them, tho I know I took a lot of the stress off of them--eventually, all my clients went into FT care.

You need to sit down and comb through your options. If YOU are 58, you only have a few years to work for retirement benefits. What are you living on now? Putting mom in a home isn't the 'easy' way out, it's fraught with drama and emotional upset. If mom cannot handle you leaving the house, she's going to lose it when you move away or move her. And you are probably going to have to work.

If mom can be 'rehabbed' into being a fairly independent person, that would be best, but something tells me that's unlikely.

What do YOU want to do? What are YOUR dreams and aspirations? Does mom even care?

This whole post reminds me of that Paul Simon song "There Must be 50 Ways to leave your lover (mother)".

Even if mom is 74, you could easily have 20 more years of CG. I'm sure that fact hasn't passed you by.

Please come back and clarify some things. We're all kind of waiting for that.
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Only one way. Death. I hope it comes soon to my wife. That sounds so cold but it is reality.
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Debstarr53 Aug 2022
Sample, it does not sound cold. Some people do understand how horrible it is to deal with someone who is only a useless shell of who they used to be. If every year there was a cruise just for caregivers finally relieved of this burden, I bet it would sell out.
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Get her to an emergency room for a mental health involuntary admission or get her doctor to admit her involuntarily. She has mental health issues that require hospitalization for evaluation and treatment. When the hospital staff call to ask you to take her back home, tell them you are not able to care for her anymore.
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She's only 58, can get out of bed, but just refuses to? What would happen if you went to the store? If she just won't get out of bed, by choice, she would still be in bed when you got back, right? I think you might be surprised how fast she became capable if you just starting taking back some of your life. There is no way I'd let someone manipulate me like this.
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A week ago, you asked this question OP, and have not come back to answer ONE single question, ie: are YOU 58 years old or is your mother 58 years old? I assume, since your username is Legna58, that YOU are 58 and your mother is at least 78.


Meanwhile, you have been given 41 comments from forum users who care, and not one peep from you in response.
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Legna, tell her you’ll be in the other room vacuuming, so if she calls you, tell her you won’t be able to hear her. Turn on the vacuuming. Go to store, to a bar (!), or simply go sit on the porch.
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