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My mother and I are very poor and not well off, luckily we have my grandmother who financially cares for us n my two small children although she hates it, until we get on our feet. My grandmother used to be my hero, she raised me. For past 3 years she has become uncontrollably hateful, cruel hearted and rude. And it gets worse every day. She randomly tears me n my mother down on a daily basis to the point we cry then she laughs. Within next couple days she claims it never happened. She makes up stories about me n my mother's events .. when we tell her what actually happened we get called filthy liars, were terrible horrible people. Whenever she misplaced something she claims my mother has stolen it to spite her.

When she's driving, if a car passes her on highway she gets Pissed n cusses and honestly believes they had passed her to spite her!

She trys very hard to pick fights. If we ignore her attempts we get told how stupid pathetic and terrible we are.

She often cusses us randomly calls us druggies , stupid and bad nasty people in front of my 3 year old son. Then tells me I'm a bad mother because he gets nervous around her it's apparently something Iv done.

She believes everyone is out to get her, Everyone, especially my mother and me, are scamming her and lies to her daily. but then randomly sometimes she turns into a sweetheart like nothing happened then ten minutes later is back to her hateful self.

Plus many other events.

SOMEONE HELP! 3 years ago, this woman would go out of her way to take us shopping make sure we smile at least once a day n happily help us do anything. Now I honestly despise me n my kids being with her.

Iv calmly and nicely as possible tried few times to sit her down n explain how she has changed n how we believe maybe she should see a doctor for her own health about Alzheimer's or dementia. Every time I get cussed filthy told how stupid I am. And how I'm just trying to scam her to get something from her nothing wrong with her it's everyone else just trying to make her believe she has an issue so everyone can use her. But she apparently won't let us fool her so she says.

HELP ME PLEASE! CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

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Your grandmother's changeable behavior suggests dementia, or something causing her to change.

However, you and your mother also need to address your situation, get job training and work toward finding jobs. Even with dementia, she may also be rational enough to be tired of supporting you.
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GardenArtist has phrased it perfectly. HC, this isn't to be harsh; but if your grandmother raised you, where was your mother? And if you are flat broke, what is a small child doing in the picture?

Overall - and I'd love to be wrong so please do come back to us if we're being unfair - it sounds as if by supporting her adult descendants your grandmother has inadvertently also prevented you from developing healthily independent lives. And, yes, maybe she's thought better of it, maybe she has regrets.

How would you like to see things going forward for yourself and your family?
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I no, maybe I should hae explain. We have always worked. I'm certified chef with bachelors in culinary arts management at only 23 yrs old. Usually head chef at 5 star locations or country clubs. Currently my kids father became a druggie and left us. So I'm single mother of 3 year old and 11 month old. I'm currently out of work being a mother but I do make money at home with my online srorebto help support us until I can get situated. I dont just not work.
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Her behavior could be dementia, but it could be that she resents taking care of you and your mother for years. It's understandable. I would try to make sure she is safe, while making arrangements for your own support. I might get employed, support myself and then see if grandmother's behavior changes. I would be more concerned with what is causing this change and how I might help her, rather than what she can do for me.

Who is her power of attorney? You might bring it to their attention. Maybe they can discuss it with her doctor. Are there any other family members who do not rely on her for their support? If so, then I might talk to them about it. How does grandmother treat them?

I wish you all the best.
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Only thing she helps financially is if I can't come up with all the rent, or if I'm low on cash n need diapers.
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Other family members barely speak to her. They all use her as a babysitter then don't talk to her again until they need her. We only ones who actually try to hang out with her, comfort her. Be her friend and true family. So they don't see this side of her cause they barely see her on thanksgiving they all noticed it well . But they don't wanna deal with it, they too busy with they owns lives to care.
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There's another aspect to this - the burden of caring for your mother, you and 2 children might be causing your grandmother to either act hostilely toward you, or it might be a major contributing factor to any dementia she may have developed. Stress can do strange things to people, and the situation you and your mother have created is certainly what I would consider stressful.

She should be enjoying her old age, not having to support an indigent daughter and grandchildren.

She's cared for you and apparently your mother and children for sometime. Instead of focusing on how it's affecting you, think how it's affecting her, and what you can do to become self supporting to spare her from further anguish and mental and physical deterioration.
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I understand the stress, I do but this is not normal her. She's not an average old lady grandmother she don't even look it, she got bright red hair she's more like a soccor mom who has gotten dementia. Even for her sake yes, I need to know what to do. She won't let anyone help her do anything not will accept its happing to her. She's ha d 2 knee replacement surgery and still won't let anyone help her walk even.
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For her sake, family's sake, my children's sake the world's sake I need to know what I can two if anything. It's gotten to point Iv had a friend tell me since she's only helped me financially for bout 3 months when I'm situated n working again to just move away n not speak to her. I refuse to leave her no matter how much mental torments Shea put me n my son through
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But yes caring for my mother her whole life for sure hasn't helped, it's tore her down for sure, resent my mother for it. But either way she has this problem and it needs solved before she completely looses herself.
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Then you need to find a way to get her to a doctor for evaluation, so it can be determined if she is getting dementia, and get meds that might control it. And you need to work with your mother to find a way for her to become self sufficient. Further, you need to find day care for your children and look for a job, whether it's in a 5 star restaurant or not. I'm sure I'm not the only one who had to work at less than ideal jobs when I was out of work.

If you can't handle it on your own, call Adult Protective Services and ask for intervention. They might able to help with getting the necessary medical treatment.
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I see how it could have developed. That I al least can understand. What I don't understand and What I'm asking is how to handle it, how she can get help for herself when she's in complete denial.
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No offense, but I think it's inappropriate to ask about the OP's reproductive choices. And, their family dynamic is their family dynamic. As for her change in behavior, I agree that it could be a dementia exacerbated by the street of being old and still caring for your adult child.

Here's what I would recommend: Your grandmother needs a complete medical work up. Tell her PCP about her drastic change in behavior and let him/her take it from there. The doctor will know what tests to run and once you have an actual diagnosis, ask the doctor what your options are. Then you can make a decision. I would recommend getting her to the doctor as soon as possible, this week if you can.
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Thank u Christine. But how do I get her to a doctor. Lol she's refuses everything
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Christine, I didn't see any inquiries about the OP's reproductive choices. What I did see was concern that she's not making plans to care for these children outside of her GM's home, i.e., on her own, as she should be.

Chef, others here have posted on the difficulty of getting unwilling parents or relatives for medical help. It's not unique.

Also research your area, call your county's social work department, your state's elder agency and ask what organizations or agencies can help you get medical treatment for your GM.

Research your area and find out if there are doctors who make home visits. In my area of SE Michigan, there are a few companies with doctors who specialize in home visits.

I don't have time now to find these other posts but you can use the search box in the upper right hand corner to search for similar posts...something to effect of how to get someone to see a doctor, how to get treatment when the person doesn't want to, or as I said, involve APS.

In addition, perhaps the friction in the family is causing GM to be hostile to the idea of getting treatment. Does she have close friends, a religious counselor, someone who could convince her to go to a doctor?

Good luck with your search. I know it isn't easy when someone doesn't want to get medical treatment.
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Thank u, but no she has no friends or anything. She does have a sister close to her, but can't imagine going through all this with her, and gm would be so uncontrollably Pissed off. God knows what she'd do
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I'll do some research tho . O didn't kno APS exists even. This stuff May seem common knowledge to some but I'm not used to anything like this.
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And by the way, reason I'm not currently working is for my children. All I do is Carr for my children day in and day out. I'm only one in family who doesn't have gm babysit my kids. Don't speak about things u know nothing about. Never said I didn't care for my kids. My main concern is my kids.
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Chef, are you and your kids living with your grandmother? Is your mom living with her?
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It could be dementia. It could also be a urinary tract infection (UTI) which in seniors has very different symptoms than in young people. In seniors, UTIs cause behavior changes, aggression, confusion and anxiety rather than the pain and frequency in urination you see in younger people. You could tell her that she needs a physical in order to keep her health insurance. That may get her to a doctor.
Angel
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I would talk to grandmother's sister if they are close. It's not too much. If grandmother needs help, she needs help. I wouldn't worry that grandmother's sister could not be brought in. If the behavior is serious, then sister should be brought in. If grandmother has dementia, she may not know that she needs a medical evaluation.

Hopefully, sister will be able to guide your grandmother to medical care and if not, step in and take measures to act on her behalf to protect her.

Do you know if grandmother has a Power of Attorney?

If grandmother does have dementia, there are some behaviors that may be unavoidable. Medications can sometimes treat the behaviors, but not always. Sometimes, we the family have to deal with the bizarre behavior. It's tough, but there may not be a simple fix. Sometimes these things go on for years. I would read as much as possible about dementia, so you will know what to expect, if that is what she has.
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Is it possible for your mother to watch your children while you go back to work. Restaurants are always looking for chefs with your type of experience. The home situation is going to get worse. You need to gain your independence as soon as possible. Your children are far too young to be exposed to what ever your grandmother is going through.
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Ok, your main concern is for your children....mine was too! And that is why I went to work, everyday, so that I could support them. I didn't have the 'option' of staying home with them (even though that WAS what I wanted to do) and having someone else put a roof over our heads, feed us, and allow me to stay home. If you are a professional chef, I know the hours are long and hard, but it usually pays quite well. These are your decisions, you decided to have children now you need to decide to take care of them. Some of us just don't have the choice to stay home. Daycare can be expensive but not as expensive as being in a bad situation, perhaps you qualify for state-aid to help with daycare expenses until you get your career up and rolling again. Your grandmother sounds as if she may have a form of dementia, or maybe is just frustrated as hell that she now needs to support another generation without being able to find rest and peace in retirement. I may sound harsh, but it's the truth. If you are as skilled as you say you are you shouldn't have too much trouble moving on. I think Grandma deserves to not have to support her daughter, her granddaughter and 2 great-grandchildren. How do you deal with her rages? Well that depends on the cause of them....if it is a form of dementia there is little that you can do about it, if its cause is frustration y
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(Sorry about the break) you can do a lot by making a plan on how to get a job to support yourself and your 2 children and involving her in it. As for your mother...I'm not sure what to say...does she have a mental or physical reason she was not able to raise you or help you with your children?? She also, needs to start helping support herself, if she is able. Good luck to all of you, and blessings to you, Lindaz.
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Mea culpa, although I wouldn't have said I was challenging reproductive choices - more trying to get a handle on the historical context. HC, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Getting help for your grandmother when she doesn't recognise the need. Tricky. But if you know who her GP is, and you have a contact number, ring and ask for advice. Ideally they will know her as a person as well as as a patient and will recognise a tell-tale personality change if they see it. That's where I'd start, anyway. And this *is* an appropriate and caring thing to do, irrespective of any other changes you might think about trying to make.

How is your mother placed? Does she need care, does she work too, what's the story there?
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HoplessChef, you wrote that this is all new to you, and yes, it was all new to most of us at one point. Your grandmothers nastiness and personality change seem like something out of the blue and have you wondering if she is justified or if you did something wrong to cause it, and the short answer is NO to both. These kinds of horrible changes most often stem from early dementia, depression, or both, and the critical thing for you, both emotionally and practically, is to understand that she has become unreasonable and cruel because either she is getting very ill and irritable, or losing her abilities to reason....AND her ability to see things from others' perspectives, aka empathy.

Of more concern, you also wrote "I refuse to leave her no matter how much mental torments Shea put me n my son through." You may have to rethink this one, because leaving a child exposed to a really toxic emotionally abusive situation could be seen as a failure to protect in the eyes of CHILD protective services. Your first loyalty has to be to your children, and to yourself.

The solutions to your situation may not be easy ones - they may be drastic. You may be able to get needed help and advice from an elder law practice, an estate planner, DHS, Area Agency on Aging, a senior hotline, or a geriatric center that does comprehensive evaluations and has social work available too. If GM refuses medical evaluation, and no one can get medical or financial POA, moving out and reporting her as an adult unable to care for herself may be something you have to do. I am not clear on what your mother can or cannot do for herself and that has to factor in as well. Whatever develops, it is clear that you have to face unwelcome changes head on, and likely a future of being the one in charge of the situation. You need to get as much clarity as you can on the actual financial situation and the options for support in your community. For some of us, the financial end was more or less a search through the home for all the important papers and numbers while our parent was not there...in your case it sounds like GM rules the roost and that would be more difficult. If there are other family members who could collaborate, they need to know what is going on. It is probably up to you to send out that S.O.S. under the circumstances. It is overwhelming at first, because systems are complex and limited in scope, and because the emotions and grief of losing the support and the relationship you have had for all these years are devastating as well.

You came to a good place for support and practical help. If you are having trouble locating your community agencies, we can give you hints on what to Google for too or even look up a few things. Private messages are an option if you are not comfortable sharing more details or your location.
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Wow. As I originally said I get tore down to my lowest low on a daily basis for hours randomly by the woman who raised me. I asked u all for help on her behalf. Not to try n explain how my parenting is not ideal to ur lifestyle. So forget the whole situation. I'll look elsewhere for help. Sometimes I forget how lowlife people are on this country. Please excuse my attempt to ask for help. Have a nice day everyone.
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Wow. I'm pretty sure I gave you some good advice about what could be causing the issue and how to get her to the doctor but ok...
Angel
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I'm probably gonna say some things that will make you mad but here goes - You want to help your grandmother right? While I don't know her I'd be willing to bet her vision of old age did not include supporting or helping to this degree her adult daughter, adult granddaughter and her great grandchildren. This level of pressure could cause anyone to become hostile - consciously or subconsciously. Throw in possible dementia and more than likely physical pain that comes with age and you've got a time-bomb. When you mentioned help with buying diapers you hit a hot button of mine and I realize I probably have a bias here. My stepdaughter uses that one when she wants money from her dad. Putting the grandkids needs on us is a form of emotional blackmail in my opinion. Of course you want to be home for your children but unfortunately where you are in your life doesn't allow for this and it's not your grandmothers responsibility to make it so. Do what thousand and thousands of single moms have to do - put your kids in daycare and get a job - even if it is below your skill level. Get on your own two feet and take some pressure off grandma. It might help her, it might not but it would get you and your children out of her hostile environment.
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Chef, nobody responding to your question is a lowlife, and your situation won't be improved by insulting people who try to help you. What some people are trying to tell you is that your first and best defense is to become self-sufficient so you don't need to expose yourself or your children to your grandma's abusive behavior.

Why she is doing this and whether she can be helped is a much more complicated issue, not easily addressed by people not involved in the situation (or even ones who are). She may or may not have a medical problem, but only she can address that as long as she's competent to make her own decisions.

I think everyone is working from the premise that none of us can control other people, but we can all hopefully control our own lives in order to limit the damage done to us by others whom we can't control. Please try to see the comments here in that light.
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