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My grandma Mary has Alzheimer’s and it seems like it gets worse with each passing week. Mary cries almost everyday and wishes she was “at home” even though she IS at home. She has been living in the same house since 1963! I sometimes try showing her photos to remind her that she has been living here a long time and she feels better. Other times, she is too upset to look at photos. She also occasionally says, “I’m so confused... can you straighten me out. I don’t know why I’m here”
I am looking for any and all advice on what to say or do.
Thank you so much !

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My mom had Dementia as well. I find it easier to get in her world than to have her part of mine if you know what I mean. If she thinks she’s not at home, I usually go along with it to ease her mind and to make sure she doesn’t get more confused. I may say something like. Ok just relax we’re gonna get ready and go home in a few minutes. Usually because they forget really fast, most of the time they won’t mention it again.
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Wanting to go home = expressing a need for comfort. There is a malfunction in a part of the brain that causes this particular statement to be made by a huge percentage of dementia sufferers in the more advanced stages. Just recently my 94 yo mother started saying she wants to go home, that she's not AT home, that she lives in a hotel (she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living), that the staff allows her to live across the street at a different hotel, or whatever hotel she'd like to live at, and each one oddly has the exact same furnishings in it....how can that be, she asks? Some evenings she insists she lives with me, or that I live at her hotel with her, and that her mama does too. The stories change constantly. What stays consistent is the fact she knows she's confused. Me trying to "correct" her DOES NOT WORK. What it does is creates more agitation and stress for her. Applying rules of "honesty" in all situations where dementia is involved makes no sense. Applying our rules of normalcy to an abnormal brain condition is senseless. We have to roll with the tides......play it by ear.

Tonight my mother was agitated and said the caregiver was making them go across the street to a different hotel. I asked her if she was in her room? She said yes. I suggested she stay put there for the night bc it was raining and chilly outside. She thought that was a good idea. If I was being honest, I'd still be on the phone with her discussing the fact she lives in Memory Care not a hotel, nobody was making her go anywhere, and yada yada. Keep things as short and sweet as possible with your grandma. See if she needs a sweater, a warm drink, if she'd like a hug or to talk about a Memory you two shared from your childhood. Change the subject, in other words. Offer comfort instead of explanations that she'll argue with ANYWAY. She's upset, your job is to soothe.

My last suggestion is to get her a baby doll. Many many Alzheimer's patients love to care for babies of their own again and draw great comfort and a sense of purpose from doing so. They're confused and lost when they want to go home. The doll renews their sense of purpose again....being a mother. Make sure you get a blanket and bottle for the baby, too. EBay has some inexpensive and realistic looking baby dolls to choose from. It's worth a try.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
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Sometimes a hug and words of comfort are the only thing that you can do.

Telling her that she is right where she is supposed to be and that you are there to help her and love her can be helpful.

Also, try to redirect her to something that she still enjoys. This can change daily, so don't be discouraged. It's like dealing with a short attention span youngster, you mix it up and keep the best things. My grannie could be distracted with a cup of coca-cola. The bubbles tickled her and she would be totally happy and redirected from whatever she had been worried about.
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Many times, those with dementia can’t express what they’re REALLY wanting.

They know that something is wrong, but, they no longer have the words to express that feeling.

They know the word “home”, so that is what they ask for.

My mother asks to come live with me. ‘Cept, she HATED living here. She doesn’t enjoy my company. Also, she won’t even leave the building she is in, to go down the hall to the next building for some entertainment or an activity that’s happening over there. So, how, on earth, would she think that she wants to leave, and go “live” with me?

For my mother, photos wouldn’t help. They would make her angry. “Home” is not what she wants. What she wants, is to feel BETTER.
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Most elders with cognitive and memory impairment are referring to their childhood homes. You can try to redirect the conversation and maybe ask her to describe it, or use a distraction like an activity for dementia patients such as sorting and pairing socks or folding laundry or sorting things. It doens't neeed to be an actual task, just something she used to do that she's still able to do (even if not done perfectly). She may be sundowning if this crying is happening around the late afternoon or into the evening. Activities help, as would getting into the car and going for a drive or having her help prep dinner by chopping and cutting things.
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Be honest. Just answer her with "Oh, Gran, this is your home. You have been here a half century. But you know, you aren't as young as you were in the 1950s now that it is 2021. Your mind is playing tricks on you sometimes. It happens to us all if we live long enough: would you like to look at some pictures?"
Help your grandmother make an album. Not a lot of pictures.Just a few, and the year they were taken on one page, and the same a decade later on the next page. Often pictures and music work where other things do not.
When she says that she is so confused tell her that we all feel that way sometimes. But that she should come to you and you will answer her questions.
I am so sorry, but this DOES come to most of us if we live long enough. It is frightening and for most of us the loss of control of our own minds is terrifying. How wonderful she has your loving and caring heart.
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