When it's all over (if we live that long), do you move far away to get rid of the bad memories?
Am curious about this. Personally, my health has deteriorated and I believe my Mom will outlive me. However, in case I do live through these caregiving years - have been wondering. Where do I go in the future?
Note: (This is not a financial question, it is a question about bad memories tainting an otherwise nice home.)
Do single caregivers without family normally stay in their houses, or move to get away from all of the bad memories? I am so miserable all of the time, I can't possibly imagine enjoying life here in this house - although I like the area and the neighborhood. And it's a cute little house with a nice floor-plan. Big yard. Nice neighbors. Relaxed and affordable. Low taxes. It would be fun to be able to decorate it properly.
Does it ever magically change? When you're happily alone again - does the house ever feel comfortable, happy? Or will there be these awful memories crowding out my future?
I don't have good memories here. Had recently bought the house & my Mom joined me immediately. So, it's been nothing but drama, worries, illness and pain & my Mom's negativity about everything for the last few years.
Plus a fall that left me permanently physically disabled. I use a Walker now to walk. But, try to do as much as I can around the house and yard.
If we survive, are we ever free? Does moving far away help? Should I start downsizing now with the hope that I'll have freedom some day? I think about moving across the country to a little house in a small town where I could start fresh & enjoy decorating & working in the yard. I have a dog, she'd go with me of course. I have no other family, so can go anywhere.
Please, I hope this does NOT go off topic with discussions about kicking her out, etc. That is not my question.
I'm well aware of how stupid I am. Don't need y'all to tell me that, or try to *help* me with that. Not on this post, at least.
Right now my focus is only on the property inside these 4 walls, bad memories and my possible future happiness.
Am just curious about caregivers being able to be happy again in an environment that has been nothing but sadness for them. Especially if they live alone. Do you have the house blessed? Burn sage and prayer? How do you clear the memories when they are almost all bad? I really do like my little house, just not the memories from within.
It's such an expense/hassle to move, Realtor's fees, moving trucks, etc - I hate to do it if I don't have to. (Assuming I live that long.) Either way - it's a nice distraction to hope there are options in the future.
Thank you in advance for any advice.
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When she was done remembering him, as he was in the end, which took about one month, we spent days remaking her house. Everything that brought a bad memory was donated, all of his prized possessions went out the door. We added color, plants and joy back into her environment. We rearranged furniture, turned bedrooms into dens and laughed lots while doing it.
She stayed in that house until she passed. She moved her brother and SIL in and had many happy years after going through the trauma of caregiving for someone that gave her nothing but heartache.
I would recommend doing a makeover before moving. If it doesn't work, you haven't lost anything and you can decide to move. Memories do soften with time and different scenery.
Yes, that would definitely be my first instinct. Soften the memories with different scenery and a makeover.
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response.
It allows me to focus on new ideas and new thoughts for the future.
When I read your home has "nice neighbors" right there is the key for staying when the time comes. One never know if they move who will be their neighbors. All new sounds [windchime lady] and odors [cigar guy] to contend with.
Of course, moving is a nice adventure, but will the comfort level be the same? I found anytime my then hubby got transferred with his company, it was weird watching the news and not seeing the anchors I had so enjoyed for many years. Then looking for a new doctor and specialists.... new dentist.... new hairdresser.... finding a grocery store you like.... learning the new roads.... finding a good mechanic... the list goes on and on.
As for memories, when the time comes, start making new memories in the house. Take the room that Mom was using and make it a home office or craft room, that would put positive vibes real quickly. Have someone help you re-arrange the furniture.
I remember when my then husband and I had split. My gosh, the house felt so stress free that I didn't think about the issues we had.
Yes, I could rearrange the room someday. My living room is a hospital now. There's no furniture in it other than a hospital bed, a hoyer lift, hospital tables, a TV, Alexa and storage for incontinence supplies, and wheelchairs as the seating. It's a depressing room to be in, especially when the patient is unhappy being ill.
The furniture from the living room is all crammed in other rooms in order to make space for our "hospital." Someday, I'd like to move it in the proper place. I've tried to make it nice for my Mom, but her lack of mobility has made her quite unhappy.
And she takes it out on me, thus my unhappiness and my post.
It's sounding more and more like it's best to stay here when that time comes. And just take it all in stride and look to new projects to improve the home here. And trust, that over time - happiness would reappear in my life.
Completely remodel and redecorate the home.
You say it is not a financial decision, but how would you feel looking back, 40 years later to find the house went from no mortgage, sold @ $400,000, to a value of $1.5 million dollars?
And the home you bought to get away, still had a mortgage that you are paying after retiring after age 70?
But then again, saving your sanity is priceless.
:)
first of all, i love your name and screen picture. very cute. you must be a super sweet person. :)
secondly:
regarding moving.
so much depends on whether you’re used to moving.
for people who’ve never moved, it can be (sometimes) even worse: more lonely, you know no one, you miss your home.
for some, it’s super exciting, fresh start.
i agree with others:
1 option is to re-decorate :).
the decision really totally depends on how you feel about it all:
should i stay or should i go?
(i think we’re all singing that in our head now).
since my main objective is just to make people smile and laugh…
:)
here are some quotes:
“home (noun). the place where your wifi connects automatically.”
“home is where your slippers are.”
“they say ‘don’t try this at home’ so i’m coming over to your house to try it.”
bundle of joy :)
Am always open to options and choices. I've lived all over the country. From an adobe house in the Southwest to an old Victorian in midwest that I restored years ago, and have owned houses on both the west coast and east coast.
So ... I guess moving is just my first thought. I thrive on change and adventure. I'd live for awhile in every state if I could afford to. But, am getting a bit too old for that now.
I like my little house that I'm in now. It's cute and it's near tourist destinations and I can truly decorate it like I live by the ocean because the ocean is just a hop skip and a jump away.
And with my disabilities now, it'd be so much easier to stay put. Perhaps fill the house with flowers and plants and seashells someday. Make it funky and creative and call it a day. And, yes ... the wireless. The epitome of happiness! : )
Maybe there will be a tomorrow. Thank you.
When Mom is gone, get rid of everything in her room. Furniture, bedding everything. Then have the room painted and carpeted. Get rid of all Moms stuff. Do a good cleaning. Sweep Mom away. Maybe more painting and carpeting. New furniture if you want. Make the place your own. Open up the all doors and windows and let the fresh air in pushing the old air out. I had a friend who did this in the dead of winter. Opened her house up and left for 2 hrs. If you belong to a religious organization have your spiritual leader come and bless the house saying all negative energy is to leave allowing the positive energy to come in. I guess there are actual people that can do this but have no idea what they are called.
NO, you are not stupid. Very few of us are aware of what caregiving entails. Commercials and TV shows do not show the "dark side" of caregiving. The constant being at someones beck and call especially when u just sat down for some rest. WaIking on egg shells to keep the peace. I remember as a kid (I am 72) watching shows and a little old man or woman sitting in a rocker staring off into space. Then someone says "whats wrong with him/her?" "Oh she/he is senile. Just sits in that rocker all day" Yeah, really, we all know better. I think we all go into it with Rose colored glasses, sort of. Naive at best.
I feel for those who are negative all the time. They are missing so much. Had a friend like that. A lot of people did for her but it just was not enough. She expected more from people than they could or were willing to give. Everyone was suppose to feel sorry for her plight. Which was self-imposed because she would not take advantage of resources available to her. She did have her health problems but I think her life would have been so much better if she had been more positive.
Yes, I agree! When the time comes -open up the windows, allow the fresh air in. Get the old stuff out of there! I'm a firm believer that when a person has passed away, they don't need their things anymore. Their things serve their purpose while they're alive. When my Dad died, I got rid of most of his stuff the first few days. Except for his blue suede shoes from the 50's. Hung onto them for a while, then let them go.
There's a church nearby that you can pay a fee for them to bless the house. I found it online. Saved the link for someday.
Think it's a good idea. Thank you.
Bear... in Native American mythology, symbols of strength, wisdom, healing and medicine.,
You have picked a great name and avatar.
I mention all this because I think we all have some of the Lavender Bear in us.
Right now you can dream, plan, visualize
Right now you wait.
You make no major decisions in your life following a life changing event.
Give yourself time to learn who you are again.
Not the caregiver you, but YOU.
and that can take a year or more...
You bought the house a "lifetime" ago. Why? For all the reasons you mentioned, it is cute, good floor plan, low taxes, nice neighborhood and neighbors. Then all of a sudden it really wasn't "your" house. Give it time to become your house.
Bad memories will fade and good ones will replace them. Let that happen. (let's face who the he11 wants to pack and move again!)
So wait.
Give it a year before you make any big changes.
If you want to get away, take a trip, one that you have wanted to go on, some place that is the back of your mind.
Now personal..I bought the house I am in when my Husband was diagnosed with dementia and I knew we could not stay in the OLD house. The house/home I am in now was built handicap accessible, ranch and I loved the house from the first time I saw it even before it was on the market. Long story but it was pure luck I got it. My Husband died in the house after almost 5 years, 3 of those years on Hospice. I do not think about that I think about the good times we had and the thought that this home will allow me to age into it and that I will not have to move ever again. And I have grand kids right up the road.
I have said that the only way I will move is when they put a tag on my toe and roll me out.
I would be approaching ALL of this from another perspective entirely. There is, as you already said, not any guarantee of life after caregiving, or even until caregiving is finished. I am an atheist, and I think this is my one life.
My approach is that my life must be lived as I am ready for it. Not contingent on children who are self supporting or elders who want to live out their lives in their own home. Take for instance me. I am 80. My daughter is 60. Her husband just retired. She will in two years. Is she to give up her next decade and one half to ME? Really? That would break my heart. She is entering now a few decades of the most free life she will have. Free of her son, grown and put through college, and she MUST be free of me, and any other elder of the two of them. That's just my opinion. It is how I was raised. My parents raised me that way. They saved all their lives for their retirement and old age, they traveled, then they went to a "village" with care that increased as needed.
I have done the same.
I know that other families do it differently. The elders stay with their children until they die. Given medical care, to my mind (old nurse here) it now takes us too long to DO that. (Dying, that is). And our children age, age prematurely.
I would hate to have missed my years 60-80. We built a little second home in the woods, we hiked and weed whipped, we chopped wood and burned it in the iron stove. We watched nature, the foxes in the meadow, the deer in the hedgerow.
We traveled.
We are now tired and happy enough just to get up and kind of bind up whatever hurts and get on with the day. Take a walk. Cook something. Watch what's streaming.
When one of us/both of us/whatever, have to enter care, it won't be my daughter's care. Or my partner's daughters. They will visit I hope, and get one with their lives. They are grownups with lives and children of their own.
It is different and unique for every family, and it is individual choice. Each choice has good things about it and bad things about it. I sure wish you the very best luck with your own choice.
Meanwhile, thinking about travel, moves, a little cabins in the woods? All good thoughts. And try to get away for some time with your elder in respite so you can enjoy a bit NOW. Best of luck out to you.
I agree that people are living too long and it's actually wrong for the elderly to expect their children to give up their lives for them. It seems like a newer phenomenon, as people are living longer and longer these days thanks to medicine and one on one care.
No one can sustain any kind of positive attitude when they live with constant drama, complaining, negativity, worry and pain. I know you said your post is not about kicking your mother out. There are other options. Bring in homecare to do for her. Take time off and put her into a care facility for a respite stay so you can have a break from her.
This might sound harsh to some, but when your mother starts up with the negativity, the gloom and doom, and the misery tell her to shut the hell up and nobody cares. Then ignore her and walk away.
You know that saying, 'misery loves company'. Well, it's true. Your mother wants you to join her in her misery and negativity. Don't do it. Set some boundaries with her then enforce them.
If you truly think your mother will outlive you, put her in a facility now and try to make some kind of life for yourself.
You say you recently bought the house and moved mom in. Realistically it's not like you have had a lifetime of abuse and bad memories in your house.
Make new memories. You say it would be fun to decorate the house? What's stopping you from doing that now? What's stopping you from entertaining and having friends over?
You hire a caregiver that stays with your mother in her room when you're entertaining. I've had caregiver jobs where I had to stay with a client in their room while the family was entertaining at their house. Every minute of life does not have to be about the elder's care needs or demands. Every social occasion or event does not have to include them. It's like when you're a kid and your parents are going to have company at night. The kids are not part of that. We were put to bed. If we were allowed to stay up, we stayed out of their business. Same thing with the elder in the house. They do not have to be part of everything.
As for being "happy". Please. Strive for being content with moments of happiness peppering your life. Trying to be happy all the time must be exhausting. Content is better.
One more thing. No matter where you move, your memories go with you because they're part of you. Try to come to terms with them. Sometimes therapy can help.
And would you please invite some friends over for drinks or coffee? Without including your mother and her misery. Keep us posted.
:)
hug!!
“'misery loves company'. Well, it's true. Your mother wants you to join her in her misery and negativity. Don't do it.”
it’s really true. and i must remember that, when i bump into people like that.
bundle of joy :)
tynagh,
“I don't have an answer”
no problem.
i’m here with my quotes. i got this.
“don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? i do.”
“my attitude in exams. they give me questions i don’t know. i give them answers they don’t know.”
“in the book of life, the answers are not in the back.”
“if a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.”
Please take care of yourself... when you can... (I'm trying also... )
hugs...
I open the doors and/or windows every day, no matter the temperature, blow out the old, blow in the new!
Change what you can today and let the rest come as it may!
((((Hugs))))
I just want to reply about the negative feelings regarding the house. My sister and I grew up in a negative toxic family and I especially disliked our home because of these memories. When we had to sell it - we stripped out all the old carpets and repainted the entire interior all the rooms. We uncovered the original beautiful oak floors and redid them. Painted a pretty neutral color on the walls and it was amazing how different this house looked with new paint and those wood floors. Looking back at these changes I could see how lovely this older home really was.
So I agree with the other comments to get rid of old furnishings and refresh the interior. You may be in for a very positive and pleasant surprise for your efforts.
And even if you outlive mom if she lives to 90 or even 100 you are already disabled so you will probably be living in a nursing home when she finally dies. I would prepare for that reality over the fantasy of starting a life in your seventies or eighties.
Memories can be dealt with this way:
Go thrifting & buy 2 suitcases that need love; old & beat up, like you'll be feeling after all the caregiving is finished. Collect seashells which you love and which bring you joy; either go to the beach to do that, if you live near the shore, or buy them. Cover one of the old suitcases with seashells; glue them on there with a hot glue gun and make the case look lovely & decorative. After mom dies, put all of the positive memories you have of her in there, along with photos & cards/mementos you've collected over the years, her memorial card/funeral card, her favorite items of clothing/jewelry, her wedding photo, etc. That will be your happy memory box to hold onto.
The other suitcase which is old and battered, leave it that way. Fill it with all the bad memories you have of the hard times with mom; the negativity, the hurt feelings, the bad times, the hospital stays, the events where you felt 'stupid' and guilty over things that were said or done, ALL OF IT. Pack up all of those negative memories & baggage into that suitcase and go out into the garden and burn the whole thing up. Let go of everything that way as you watch it smolder and burn. It'll be a good symbol of letting go of the negativity of the past.
Afterward, go in the house and start renovations. Knock it all down to the rafters and rebuild the entire thing, as you're going to rebuild your LIFE/ fresh & clean. Start over. Use the money you would have spent in closing costs, movers, realtor fees, packing materials, and do a renovation. Or as much of a renovation as you can afford with all new and shiny things. Keep only the seashell covered suitcase as a reminder of the positive memories of your old life and of your mother. The rest is all gone, and replaced with new & fresh items to represent the new YOU. Your newly remodeled/redecorated house will be a place to create NEW memories as you wish and see fit! That will be fun, I think!
I think there will always be options for your future when you keep an open mind and a positive outlook. Your caregiving days are numbered; mom won't be here forever. I really thought my mother would live to 100, but she wound up dying all of a sudden, when I least expected it. Everyone kept telling me that would likely happen, but I didn't believe it. I should have b/c it's true.
Keep your head up and your eyes toward the future. Wishing you the very best of luck.
I understand where you are coming from perfectly! Although I did not live in the same home as my mom I did live in a place five minutes from where she lived before she went into nursing care. Every street, every corner, the mall, the coffee shops, the park nearby, all have deep memories for me. The times mom and I went for coffee or lunch at the mall, our walks in the park etc. I saw them every time I left my place. Good memories and sad ones.
For me moving (just to a nearby suburb) helped a lot. It's close but not too close. If I have to go back to the old neighborhood for any reason I am overcome with sadness. In my case the sadness comes not from bad memories so much but just memories of better days when my mom was healthy and the bond we shared.
I know I never want to even enter the hospital where my mom took her last breaths. That I hope to never do again. Fortunately I have a different hospital close to where I am now living.
But this is a personal decision that you need to weigh carefully. Perhaps you could go neighborhood exploring. Get a feel of whats out there. Maybe you don't need to pick up and go far away.
Seems like overall the neighborhood and neighbors are good for you, a very hard combo to find anywhere. "Location, location, location"......
Then decide that that’s your budget for staying where you are. Start fantasising about how you can spend it to make your current place nicer, different, and the place where you want to be. Don’t forget to include a ‘welcome to my new (ish) home’ party for the neighbors who you are so lucky to keep!
Create a vision board where you purge mom’s stuff and the associated negativity. Envision burning that sage, painting the rooms and decorating it to fit your style. In with the new - out with the old (join buy nothing on Facebook).
I wonder if all the angst and negativity from the elderly is a blessing, because the death brings a certain relief to counter from the enormity of grieving.
I just finished a book that has been collecting dust for awhile. I thought of your post. You may have read it or would enjoy it now. ‘Clock Dance” by Anne Tyler.
I have seen this author recommended and I am glad I finally got to it. It has an inspiring message I think for all caregivers and helps us realize that it might just be time to give some attention to ourselves.
I hope you are having a great day.
I love my town, my house, my yard. But, I did move my folks into MY house.
And on a plus side for my elderly self...the house is already set up with assistive devices.
Moving might give you a fresh perspective, but Bad memories are in your head. That is where they live and as far as I can tell, no matter where you might move to, your head will still be attached.
You can take the time to come to terms with them. maybe some counseling, maybe a martial arts class. Whatever might bring you strength and focus.
What did I like about the house? I like the way it looks from the outside, I like how it sits on the lot. I love the colors. I love the land, which is home to many pretty birds and little critters. I have a certain amount of privacy, which I enjoy, etc.
Then I compared it to what I didn't like about the house. I didn't like the bad memories. That's it. So I decided to see what I could change, within a reasonable budget, and stick it out for a handful of years, and then thought if I still felt bad at the end of that time, I could move.
First, I got rid of all my ex's things, and gave those to him. Anything that was left that bothered me, I donated to a thrift store or got rid of. Slowly over time, by thrifting, buying here and there, I got some new furnishings and decor that were only mine, and had nothing to do with my past. This did take a great deal of time, but was very much worth it.
To make a long story short, I stayed for several years (6), and during that time, got the house painted, new things here and there, and really started feeling happy. Then I met the love of my life and remarried, and now we are making new happy memories in this house! He just loves the house, and I'm soooo glad I kept it.
Just an example to think about. Let time wash over you. Let your feelings settle. It will take a while. There will be some hard days. But don't make decisions on the really hard days OR the really good days. Look at it year-to-year, look at the whole picture and see how you feel. Then after a group of years, see how you feel about that whole cluster of time. I bet you will see you have changed for the better, and if you like the house to begin with, chances are highly likely you will like it even more later, and will be so glad you stayed. And if you don't feel good, you can move! You and your sweet dog can make new memories. You'll do great! I'm rooting for you!!