When it's all over (if we live that long), do you move far away to get rid of the bad memories?

That's my plan. When the caregiving finally ends and I don't have to help my mom anymore, I refuse to be a caregiver or helper to ANYONE. Family, friends, and strangers are all on their own. I want NOTHING to do with caregiving.

Being my mom's caregiver is all I've known since I graduated college. She was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years after I graduated and she's still recovering from the treatments years after they ended.

Caregiving has done a lot of damage to my life. I'm almost 30 and I sometimes wonder if my life is over. I don't have a job and I'll be looking for my very first job when freedom finally comes. I'm single and I hope to one day be some woman's husband. I'm never getting my 20s back nor am I getting back moments lost to caregiving.

I hope I can move away someday. There's little in my hometown.

I have been a caregiver for my husband for over five years. He had a stroke and now has vascular dementia. I know things are going to get rough in the next years. For myself, after he passes, I have every intention of taking a vacation away from everything. Not to forget anything, because we have a wonderful life, lots of great memories. But just to get away, take a break for myself. I might move back to my home state or I might stay here. I don't know yet.

Could you take a vacation somewhere? Just get away for a while? Maybe redecorate, make your home "yours"? Give yourself some time for you.

LavenderBear,

You asked a really good questions. I think you have some great responses.

I'll add that good neighbors are golden and are like diamonds.

Can you start clearing out some of your stuff and some of Mom's stuff now? Without making a big deal to Mom?

I like the idea of making a vision board with your ideas for redecorating or what you would like in a new home.

Can you start doing some spruce up now?

My brother in law was dying from glioblastoma and my sister and and brother in law were remodeling the downstairs bathroom while he was dying. It kind of surprised me but the downstairs bathroom came out really nice.

Wow… I can personally relate to this, as I am feeling the same way. It has been a daunting thought but I have not put it to paper as well as you expressed. This is my thought ..
Do you run away or live within your memories? Do I vacation and come back to my memories? What do I do?
Where and how can I shed this to actually feel good about myself again?
My husband is 60 and I have just put him in a nursing home because of his disability. He is also deteriorating slowly. I have buried four members of my family and it’s a sickening feeling.
So now what ? Here I am!! I look in the mirror and there is only my reflection.
Feel happy I say to you . I sold my home to move on with my husband to a smaller place, but that didn’t happen. I took care of my sister who passed away and now I am living with my brother-in-law and his autistic niece. My gear is packed and I’m ready to go … but I can’t. I still have to take care of my husband. But I want to go … but where do I go to find some happiness. I wish I had that answer .
I myself live with all the memories and the work and have no time for myself.
The interior of the walls, the inside, the collection of things around you are all the memories. I say to you gather them up and clean out . Make your space . I don’t have one .

Not for me to say what you should or should not do. However, you sure need a break and some different perspective.

My mom passed away two days after Christmas this year after me caretaking her for 3 months,
confined to a hospital bed that was set up in the living room of our rental apt., we had both been living in.
Prior to that we lived in a beautiful condo on the beach that her father had left her.
Unfortunately we had to do a fire sale since she took out a reverse mortgage due to her hoarding of so many warehouses.
As for me since I don't own this place, I can barely wait to move out of here.
The awful memories and all of the stuff I've been having to throw out is a nightmare.
My 2 brother's keep telling me I won't find any cheaper rent anywhere else and of course they don't want me to live in one of there spare rooms of homes they own and I own absolutely nothing now, not even a car.
They never were here for me when I needed them either.
My mom was a fine art major and was a social butterfly involved in so much art and activities until her health started failing 15 yrs ago.
Most of her friends would have never known she had a mental illness.
Like other's posted, take a vacation, remodel your home you own and then if the memories are too much sell and move on with your life.
We all deserve some happiness after all we have been through.
This grieving of my mom's passing is like nothing I could have ever imagined in my life and for all I went through with her I miss her so much.
So live one day at a time and sometimes one hour.
Blessings to all xoxo

First of all you can never outrun you're bad memories by moving, you need help with this, I am in counseling right now. One thing my Dr said is when I think of something bad ask myself what I can do about it. The answer is always "nothing" for me. Secondly never do anything hasty. Give yourself a year to think about big decisions. If you really like your little house - give it a facelift. Remodel, get rid of old furniture, repaint. Hope this helps.....

It soy like you need a little relief. It is like that old adage of “marry in haste, regret at leisure.” Take your time in deciding what to do, but don’t stay home all the time. Leave for a one day excursion to a museum or a sight you want to see, then extend to something further away for a little longer, sign up for a class in something you have always wanted to learn, remodel a part of your house, repaint a room, volunteer with an organization you would like to participate with. There are many things to occupy you that could lead to happiness.

mMoving isn’t really good answer when you like the place you purchased.

Dear Lavender, my 95 year old mom passed away a month ago. She did not live with me, so I know it’s not the same. She was in memory care the last two years. But I was always worrying about her and did my best to care for her. My brother did nothing. I was her trigger: I was not good enough of a daughter, I abandoned her in memory care, I was a liar, I was going to hell, she wished I had never been born. To everyone else she was sweet and pleasant, with the exception of certain caregivers that were triggers. My kids loved her. I hated visiting her. Constant complaining about everything. When she died, which was peaceful and in her sleep, the bad memories did not flood back. I was FREE of the torture. I could look back and know it was the dementia, and I could be more forgiving. So I think you should not worry about moving right now. See how you feel when she is gone. You might feel so unburdened that the memories will not be in the forefront, but it will feel like a new beginning. You can immediately remove the “hospital” from your living room and make it into a beautiful space. It sounds like a beautiful place, and it definitely sounds like you want to stay. However, in the meantime, you do need to take care of yourself, so please find ways to do that.

I can so feel your words! I built my house with my dad in mind. Knowing that someday he will need care. I was thrown into care giving by my own choice (that and when covid hit, there was no help) The house got done in Aug 2019. June 2020 I moved him in. March 2021 he passed. Pretty much all this house is memories of me taking care of him. Even though it wasn't long. I will not leave this house. I am making new memories by having friends and family over. If you really love where you are at, try making new memories. But until then, try to make some changes now that you'd think you would like in the future. I don't know if you have family around, but invite them over. Have a pizza party. Anything you do now, will help in the future. Hugs & Prayers!

I am planning to move to another state and start a new life when it’s over. I’ve been the caregiver for Mom for 22 yrs and my terminal hubby for 14 yrs. I’m am beyond burnout. I want new memories.

my mother stayed in our spare bedroom and I avoid it at all costs. Maybe burning sage will get rid of the negativity. I thought of removing the bed and carpet but I’m not sure any of it will help.

my plan is to move once my daughter is done with school. Another side of the country in warmer climate. I forget all of the negativity and it’s a restart.

Moving away will not change your memories. If you do, get a condo on the beach somewhere where you don't have to take care of maintenance, if you want to move. I've been a caregiver for years, too. My mom is now in memory care. I feel some relief, but still feel guilty every day putting her there. The doctors suggested it. When you're alone in your home, you will be able to do what you want with it. Making it your own again might help. You'll need a rest. Do something for yourself. It'll take time to put new, happy memories into your mind. You haven't really had a life of your own.

I like your idea of a Airline streamer but since you are using a walker traveling could be tough . I would get some magazines like Martha Stewart or Architectural digest and get some ideas for remodeling - that's what I have been doing . I also want to get away from where I am now - where I live is noisy , no parking , stressful , expensive and no nature Plus freezing Bitter cold ! I never thought I would end up in a Big city taking care of dying people but that's what I have done the last 7 years of My life . I read about woman who sell everything and live out of a van - I know that is Not the lifestyle for me . I Miss the beach and nature . Ideally having a farm with a garden in a warm climate . I had hoped to buy a family home several years ago and instead people kept getting sick and dying . There are people who declutter negative energy - there is One woman Madalyn Aslan she works in Ny City . Do spirits and Ghosts' linger around - Honestly I think Yes But some people are happy to cross Over and leave . You could Burn sage and get some Black or rainbow tourmaline - cover the windows with sea salt ? Not sure if it works ..... I Lived on Cape cod for many years and yes those old Sea captain houses were haunted . I think it is good you are looking towards the future . My suggestion stay Put and remodel and take a trip . If you were healthier I would say buy the van or airline streamer and travel around . Thats why I always mention Youth Hostels they are not just for the young - they are a good way to travel , make friends and a Lot friendlier then staying in a hotel - Thats how I travel . Sounds like you have a adventurous spirit - Maybe check out some Air B and B's . Right Now I am looking at cabins or cottages in the woods . I think some of this looking towards the future is when we will get Our Freedom back . Since My Mother and My 2 Bothers died I have No reason to go to Cape Cod or any desire - Life was harsh there . Its good to dream about the future in fact it is healthy to have options . There is a great organization Called Sisters On The fly where woman Gather with their canned ham trailers and make a community in the wilderness and go fly fishing . I think part of Looking towards the future is we do feel stuck and that can be depressing .

As a rule, I agree with the sentiment to wait before making any big changes. You just never know how things will fall out. That said, you have become somewhat limited in your self-sufficiency, and you need to do what makes daily life easier for you. If moving to a community where the lawn and other such things are taken care of, it might be worth the thought.

When my husband died, I had no emotional attachment to our house, but there were reasons that made it in my best interest to stay here. My mobility has declined, and while I research over-55 communities, it still seems in my best interest to stay.

Little things made it easier initially--like I changed the color scheme of a couple rooms. It made it more my space as opposed to ours. Down the line, other things, bigger things, made it less about "us" and more about me...the vehicles we shared died so I had to buy a new car...our old, beloved dog had to be euthanized (which still tears me apart), but I couldn't live without a dog, so I adopted a new guy...I resided the house, which we planned to do but never got around to, and now plan to tear down the old deck and build new. The energy over time shifted, especially with changes made. Not all, but most changes came as a necessity, and most changes were difficult to navigate (alone) and not feel like I was "betraying" the past, betraying memories.

Another thing that I found beneficial was that by staying, I simply had to confront whatever demons resided within these walls. Confrontation isn't always the bad word it's made out to be. It can be gradual, on your own terms. I've grown in this house, faced things (physical and emotional) I never had to face and didn't want to, and never would have had the chance to if I'd left. But that's what worked for me.

You bought the house, then your mother immediately moved in. Mothers can have such a hold on us, can't they? If you gave yourself the chance to live in that house the way you intended, who knows what freedom might come of it? If you move, rest assured, demons follow. It just depends on how and where you want to deal with them.

Big, warm wishes to you. You're not alone in your thoughts. Most of us will have to grapple with this in our lifetimes.

Your current house and location have several things going for them so don't rush too fast to leave once you are on your own. Consider whatever connections you have in your current community and what kind of support you have there to help with your own physical limitations. You can certainly make new connections and build support in a new location, but give it some time before deciding. Think of the things you might do to your current house or garden when you have more time and energy to take on new tasks.
Even if you are glad to be relieved of the negativity and urgency and exhaustion of care taking, when a loved one dies, you need at least several months to begin to make major decisions like where to live. Without constant care taking demands, you may find you will start re-appreciating the things that helped you choose this house and location in the first place.
Meanwhile, decorate your walker, use it carefully, and think of places you might vacation when you ate free to do so.

I have been wondering about this as well. Mum has been living with me in a rental since 2019 and is on wait list for aged care. I often wonder if I want to stay here when that happens! How bad will it feel, both for reminding me (missing our daily interactions) & the bad occasions.
I’m hoping by then I can buy my first home and that should be a positive start but I’m skeptical. I really don’t want to move to yet another rental and spend all this money on moving. But yeah I know this house felt super awkward before whilst Mum was in hospital and it’s too large for one person. It’s been ideal for our living arrangements as it’s given us our own space with the bedrooms completely seperate and own bathrooms etc.

I would give it at least one year afterwards to make such a decision. I think in time some if not most will heal. Blessings

Just remember "Orlando " in , "Unspouse My House !" --- Give yourself a break, then do as one suggested : Get rid of everything reminding you of bad memories --inc. furniture , physical items --REdecorate as you like , make it your place ...Its a good neighborhood, friends, moving is very expensive and emotional ..Good luck creating a great place for YOU!!!!

I told my kids, I will be MIA for a while! We may move but not to get away from where we were but bc it has gotten way over crowded and we are stuck here until we can move if that's what we need to do. But everyone wants to live and I'm not hurrying anything, just know, I'm hitting the road when I can. I've been doing this since 2009. If your a full time caregiver, you know what you've given up to do this.

your house has been a safe haven for your mom. The house is blessed with your love for your momma and God would say you are a good and faithful servant. I would keep the house its everything you want and your feelings will change brighten it up redecorate take down all safety devices. Dont make any rash decisions the grass is not greener somewhere else sending love and hugs

I am still in the same home where I cared for my husband while he died of a brain tumor and I also cared for my dad who had dementia. It was all very hard to go through, but believe me, memories fade. I’m doing some redecorating and things like that. There are sad memories but they’d be in your mind whether you moved or not. I’d say stay and make the best of it. Get counseling if you need help in how to make peace with your memories.

I’m in a similar situation. I don’t live in the home now, but spend time regularly and it will be mine someday. I have been looking at moving and making trips to other cities and options. It’s helped me realize staying in the family home might be what is best for me. I’m looking forward to some redecorating and updating the main bath with subway tile and nice fixtures. Good Location. Nice neighbors I’ve known for years. Convenient to stores, hospital and services. I see the appeal of starting fresh and some days it does seem appealing but also a lot of work and hassle. I still work a job. I’m considering buying an easy, smaller condo in a bigger city a couple hours away by car so maybe, I can have the best of both for a few years. I’d be interested in what you decide and how it works out. Good luck.

This is a very valid question. Please consider asking this question on the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where you can find support and information, and where you can vent without judgment. Many of the members have lost loved ones, and they share how they go on afterward.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share

LavenderBear I think you absolutely can start over and wipe out the bad memories. The rooms that carry the worst burden will need a facelift. I have seen homes renovated & redecorated that end up looking nothing like it did before. My sister's home was a good example. Once your mom is gone, claim it as totally yours and re-do whatever it takes to wipe the slate clean. I know it's possible and it could actually be fun. I hope you can start planning for it. If it was me, I would go on Pinterest and start gathering ideas right away. It might help now to get through what you are dealing with in the present. Imagine yourself in the space and what would make YOU happy there.

FYI many people have homes full of bad experiences with bad people. When those people go, you get to remake your life in YOUR home! While you're at it, why not start now?

Good Afternoon,

First of all, you are not stupid. You sound like a pretty compassionate responsible person. Remember the Pandemic lasted well over 2 years, don't be so hard on yourself.

This is interesting...they say after a loved one passes, wait for a year without making a move. Every scenario is different. When my dad passed I missed him terribly, there was no better father and after 4 years, the family home was sold and we were ready to move on. Many new memories came after that. But I did not move alone.

Present day, Mom is in a hospital bed in my room. Lewy Body Dementia. What do you think about just simply taking a vacation, even just for 2 nights? I know with the Pandemic it's been hard on everyone but maybe you could use this time now to call for brochures about trips, etc. in the future so you have something to look forward to. (Check out your local library)

Moving is expensive. Do you have a good support system already in place, (great neighbors, etc.) and do you want to start over in another region of the country. From what you tell us you sound like you have a lot in your favor--small dwelling, low taxes, etc. It's amazing how a little paint and some curtains changes your outlook on life, literally. Even for us as people, when I put my lipstick and earrings and a dab of perfume on even if I'm just cleaning the bathroom, I feel a little better.

The UpWalker Lite is fabulous compared to the gray aluminum walkers. If you have a local "Y" or indoor pool, sign up. Music is great for Mom's, jazz especially. It calms them. Also sitting by the water. It's calming for elders.

You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot. You probably are burnt out and just need a change. But, it has to be the right change.

Have your Mom help plant some window boxes. Go to the Dollar Store and buy a bag of dirt, garden gloves, etc. and let her help. Turn on the jazz music and get a nice big sunhat at the Dollar Store. You might see a change.

I learned of The Buy Nothing Project recently. Basically you go online, join on your Facebook account and each chapter is set up according to your zip code. So you could remodel/refurnish your dwelling for "free". Basically from your neighborhood donate for free w/o the exchange of $$$ or bartering and you are meeting a neighbor. Your old stuff that has too many bad memories but may serve someone else in your community and you are adding to their life. You in turn can donate old stuff.

Or it's probably more like the bad stuff is memories from caregiving not actual material goods. That's a mindset and will take time because you are in it. I read a lot of Joyce Meyer.

A single woman going off alone is really something you have do be realistic about, especially if you are unwell. Personally for me, I need to plant some roots. Now on the other hand, if the neighborhood has changed and you don't feel safe at night then it's time to look around.

Caregiving is tiresome especially with the lost hour. The little things in life a bunch of flowers from the supermarket, a new bathing suit on sale from Lands End on their Friday website listing "On the Counter Markdowns" for $12 gives me my happy place.

I did bless my new place with Holy Water. The Church people come faithfully every Sunday with Communion and a Bulletin, they are wonderful. You have to carve out a place for yourself in the moment. Because no one is really sure how long this caregiving is going to go on so look around and start donating and replace with things you love to see. You don't need a lot. You can buy new comforters on sale and that brightens up a room.

When you are single, you don't have anyone to bounce things off of, to get feedback. I think it's great you joined this and threw this idea out there. And once you sell the house, you can't go back unless you rent it out and do a trial run (say for example in Florida) to see if you like the new area, perhaps renting first.
Amen.

Hello I think it’s great you are asking questions. How can anyone learn if you don’t ask good questions?? Be sure and pat yourself on the back because being a caregiver is one of the toughest things anyone will ever do. I was not sure if I would outlive my father when I was his part time caregiver. But I did. A lot of prayer, a lot of work but I made it Thru and he passed peacefully. I sold my childhood home for some of the reasons I mentioned and now in a way I regret that. It provided something familiar. Of course there’s no guarantee I would have been happy keeping it but it’s hard now I miss the comforting feel even if there was negativity too. In truth I would say - trust your gut over anyone’s advice. It has to be your decision. What I feel secure in saying to you however is that I’ve learned that being single and creating a HOME takes a lot of work. Even decorating although fun takes time and thought and organization. Be patient with yourself. Whether you move or stay when you feel up to it you will need to put forth effort to create a space you love. It may flow or not but it doesn’t usually happen without some planning. I like to make lists of Pros and Cons. Moving is always stressful and expensive. If money is tight moving is probably nit the best decision. Then again only you can decide. I’m not sure if we ever are free but I’ve learned to focus on the things that make me truly happy. Whatever that is!! Pick two things and fill your mind and heart and soul and life with it so that joy gets bigger and you spend less and less time on the problems or thinking about negative things. Take care of you, get to know you, journal to vent when no one is around and choose to focus on what you love. Hope this is helpful. You will make the right decision for you. I would never never call you stupid by the way. This forum is here to help.

Am seeing so many lovely, well-thought out answers to this issue.
So many of us Caregivers are going through similar things.
Some have already gone through this & thrived, while others are facing these thoughts now.

What makes the answers so wonderful is the hope and optimism that Caregivers share. We're always hoping for a better tomorrow.

Your posts have made it obvious to me now that we all have some bad memories & that these memories belong to us, not the specific location of where they occurred.

While tomorrow is never assured, hope and positivity allow us to not only survive another day, but to thrive.
Unhappiness is an emotion that waxes and wanes over time. It won't be permanent, as it's mostly situational. Good days/bad days.

Feeling much more positive about everything right now. Thanks to all of you. There's always hope for a better tomorrow. Situations can always improve. (And, yes we can die too, but am hoping for a beautiful place surrounded by all the cats and dogs that I've loved when that happens.)

As the poet Langston Hughes says: Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.

When I was in your shoes still taking care of my parents, I just wanted to “Get the hell out of Dodge.” Move as far away as possible. But it wasn’t the logistics that kept me in town after my dad passed away. It was my community that kept me…. my friends and support groups. I resumed many of the activities I participated in before I had to take care of my parents 24 seven. We sold my parents home five years after my dad passed away and in that time the house got a new personality, even though it was decorated exactly the same. There was a sense of relief, a new energy. We sold the house because I needed to get my personal life back and I could no longer take care of my mom and my autistic sister. My daughter and I were sacrificing our entire lives for their care. I would’ve happily stayed in the home to make new memories. I’ve moved twice since then and I am appreciating that home and neighborhood more every day.