It is the weekend. My usual time for doing things for my dad, plus another day of the week (and anytime in between if needed) but it is the weekend that causes the most triggers. As I type this, I'm feeling nervous, anxious and just an overall not feeling good (emotionally) because I'm in constant thought about how I was treated as a child and as an adult. As children we often put our feelings aside to help our parents no matter what. Why?
You posted before about Dad always criticizing. An example was him just dropping by and criticizing everything about ur house and you. I will say this, your Dad needs you more than you need him and you need to make this clear to him.
If he is capable of driving to your house, what do you do for him that he can't do for himself. Laundry...my husband is 76 and has done his own in the 42 yrs we have been married. Cleaning...how dirty does one man get a house, tell him to hire someone once a month, bi-monthly. He leaves dirty dishes in the sink, he is capable of washing them himself. If he can drive he can grocery shop.
You need to start standing up for yourself. Learn the word No. Really, the more you use it the easier it gets. If he criticizes something your doing for him, tell him, "Well I guess u think you can do better so do it" and walk out. He may have more respect for you if you stand up to him. Respect goes both ways. You are not a child anymore. You are an adult who holds down a job and has a home of your own. You need to demand that respect. Look up the "grey rock method" and see if you can use it on Dad. Read the book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud. The one thing my daughter liked about it was...
When you say NO your are not responsible for the reaction u receive.
No is a one word sentence (meaning u do not need an excuse)
Guilt is self-imposed.
My mantra is "I am here to help people find a way, not be theway"
Therapy may help you find tools to deal with Dad. Just remember you place Boundaries for yourself. People like ur Dad will try to cross them but u never give in. I think in your last post I replied that he needs to call before he comes over. Your home is your safe place to fall. You control who comes over and who doesn't.
He is 76 and I'm 53. He does still drive but not out of town because his judgment is not good ( pulling out if front of cars, etc.) I do his grocery shopping because he has a medical issue that does not allow him to get around well. He was doing better with walking when he was going to therapy, but he stopped. I have tried to encourage him to start back. You are right about saying No... I have gotten better with that but as a child and into adulthood I was always afraid to say No. I'm going to talk to him about extra help because I'm tired. I worked two part time jobs recently and still kept up with what I was doing for him and I can not do it anymore. I will be working full time this fall and I can not push myself to the limit any longer.
My father wasn't a bad father it just seemed that everyone else was more important to him than I was. That lasted until he got old and everyone else stopped visiting, then I was the most important person in the world. He was 40 years too late. I made sure he was well taken care of but very rarely did I do any hands on caregiving. I don't think he ever understood why I was so emotionally distant. I'm not even sure he noticed. And the few times I tried to tell him he'd act as if I was overly sensitive and needed to just get over it. My feeling was if you easily get over things, people tend to treat you poorly because there are no lasting consequences.
I'm the sole caregiver for my father. He still lives alone but I'm foreseeing that he will need constant help in the near future. My mother passed away years ago. I do not have any siblings and my father and I have a strained relationship. I did not have a happy childhood due to his treatment of my mom and I. I do not mind helping him but he expects me to not have a life. I'm going out of town soon and it seems as if each time I get ready to leave, which is hardly ever, he has a medical issue. I'm so depressed and anxious and I can not afford counseling right now. I'm retired but looking to go back to work full time because I'm struggling financially. When I go back, I know it will be an issue because I can not take off work all the time to accompany him to doctors visits. I need any advice I can get. I wash all his clothes weekly, clean weekly, grocery shopping and take him to all doctors appointments.
Please seek out a psychotherapist to navigate your journey away from evil. (Copy and paste)
https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/what-is-psychotherapist#:~:text=A%20psychotherapist%20uses%20talk%20therapy,couples%2C%20groups%2C%20or%20families.
It breaks my heart that you think you owe your dad anything at this point.
I do hope and pray that you are in some type of therapy/counseling to find out exactly why you feel that you're responsible for him in any way when in reality you're not. I hope you know that, I really do.
No one is worth risking our mental health and well being over. NO ONE!
I was just talking to someone seeking medical advice here on Forum. And I said that there's sometimes danger in seeking expert advice from people on a Forum. You end up with sympathy, not help. You end up with their OWN sad story rather than any ideas of change for your own life. And you end up repeating once again the old familiar pain, making it with each repetition STRONGER and more real.
There have been three times in my life that I was in or close to crisis point, and sought the help of a therapist. Each time taught me more than I can say; and it always helped. I do admit to having been lucky in getting therapists who didn't just sit and listen while they counted out the cash, but rather shook my world until I was uncomfortable enough to truly look at what I needed to CHANGE.
Change is more difficult than we think. Our habits, while they cause us pain, are the "KNOWN" world. And choosing another path is a walk into the dark, scary. But so worth it for the discoveries you will make.
Why would a mistreated child grow up and feel this way?
Why would an adult with a strained relationship with a parent think they need to push the feelings aside?