We are expected to be civil and thoughtful and understanding when dealing with selfish siblings who don't help and show no gratitude for what we're doing. We have to be on an even keel for the LOs we do care for regardless of what abuse they heap on us or how many tantrums they throw or how they may disrespect us and our time and/or lives. All while we're literally and euphemistically wiping their a**.
Where did this idea come from? WHY should caregivers be some kind of superhuman creatures who take hour after hour, day after day and year after year of s*** thrown at us. And we're supposed to do it without being resentful and with a smile on our face so as to not upset the LO we care for.
Go find any article on caregiving, lack of sibling involvement, how to deal with a difficult LO...they all say the same thing. The caregiver has to be the controlled, measured adult in every situation.
What. The. Hell??????? Where did this idiotic notion come from and does anyone realize how horrible this makes a caregiver feel when they are robbed of their humanity in this way?
Someone on the forum wrote, "No one else will save you! You must do it yourself!"
This has become my new guiding words. It helps a lot to get empathy from others. In practical terms however, no one will save you. You must do it yourself.
I feel I'm at the point you mentioned "No one will save me. I have to do it myself." I will have to put up with the wrath of family, the disapproval, the fights, the accusations of selfishness, how this is all my fault, I made my bed now lie in it, etc. Because THIS is who these people are.
But I really just can't suck it up anymore. When I get to the point where I'd rather just not exist, I know something has to be done. I can't allow myself to be voiceless anymore. The toll is just too great.
Thank you so much for your response!!!
Baby steps.
Make an end date--July 1
Identify resources (SS, pension, house, Medicaid). Find a CELA lawyer if you don't have one.
Identify level of need through a needs assessment--AL, NH, MC.
Identify 2 or 3 facilities.
Set YOUR move out date and details if you are living with mom.
Inform family.
If necessary, take mom to the ER for a social admit.
This is a rough plan, but I'm sure you can flesh it out.
Its so good to hear you both telling honestly how you feel.
Its so important to do it and to know you're being heard.
Sometimes things get really tough and I have to cry.
I feel so very very sad sometimes
I can honestly say love hurts, the truth can hurt, and it needs to
be spoken.
Sending you much much love and encouragement.
No one has to be a caregiver to anyone else's kids, or for their sick, needy, and elderly relatives. A person's reasons are their own for doing it. Sometimes it's out of love. Sometimes it's out of guilt and some misplaced notions of obligation and duty to the person. Sometimes it's to preserve inheritance so everything an elder had doesn't get handed over to a nursing home or hired homecare.
No caregiver has to be the controlled, measured adult with do- nothing siblings. Sometimes a person has to go off on their family in order to be taken seriously. You need to. If you're not interested in being the caregiver anymore, stop being one. End of story. If your siblings don't like it, they can damn well come and do it themselves. Or arrange for different caregiving services. Quit being a doormat because people will walk all over you.
The caregiver has to be controlled and measured when dealing with the people they care for because the caregiver can never allow a situation to ever get beyond their control. I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years to more people than I can remember. Believe me I did not have a smile on my face every moment. I learned early on not to allow abusive behavior. Dementia or not I don't tolerate it. If a client was too far gone from dementia that I couldn't maintain control in the home and get the work done, I dropped that client from my service. At that point they belong in a care facility because homecare isn't meeting their needs anymore. I don't tolerate 'Senior Brats' acting up for one moment either. My own mother included in that group. Any client of mine who wanted to engage in a bit of verbal or physical abuse (biting, hitting, kicking, spitting, I've had them all) with me, I walk away. They can go hungry, stay in their soiled diaper, and fight with themselves because I will completely ignore them like they're not even there. Clients almost always come around a little while after a tantrum. The same way little kids do. Then the care can get done. Sometimes a caregiver has to give a little bit of it back. I've also done that many times.
You never have to tolerate an abusive situation. Not as a caregiver and not as a human being. You don't deserve abuse and your life, needs, and wants are just as important as anyone else's including who you take care of.
My last client I had to quit, because it was a case of not being able to complete the necessary tasks on the care plan. She was the most combative and spoiled individual I had ever met.
Now for an elder who doesn't have dementia and treats their caregiver poorly, I have a lot less patience. And siblings who don't help and/or criticize deserve no quarter.
I happen to believe that no ONE person should ever be responsible for caring for an elder who needs 24/7 care. It's simply more than one person can handle and that is what causes the burnout and frustration. If there aren't additional family members or paid caregivers sharing the load (on a daily basis not just respite care), they should be receiving care in a professional setting (i.e. nursing home). It's beyond selfish to insist one is "never going to a nursing home" because sometimes there is no other option.
No boots on the ground equates to your opinion doesn't matter and you have no say, except the date and time I can drop her off for you to care for.
You matter! Please, please find a way to change this situation before you become a statistic.
You have gone above and beyond to help give her a better quality of life, well done! Job over.
I look at the OP’s letter, and I’m thinking that if we substitute any other traditionally “Women’s jobs”, such as teacher or nurse, all of the expectations hold true.
Yes, I know that there are some men on any faculty. Retired teacher here. 👩🏫
There are male nurses. Experienced hospital patient, too. 🤨
Women are expected to put up with things that men would NEVER be expected to, if men were the majority in a profession.
Treated like garbage? “Well, you signed up for this!” Would the same thing EVER be said to a man? I think not.
Exhausted, I did 24 hour care of my mother for only 6 weeks. I became bedridden from the stress.
Do WHATEVER you can to save yourself.
I am cheering you on from here.
One of my pet peeves is often reading on this thread about the one child who is the caregiving slave for Mama (usually it's for Mama, as women live longer). This child won't abandon Mama because she was "such a good mother." I often think, "Really? How did she raise such selfish children and one scapegoat?"
Of course sometimes it's the caregiver who refused to allow Mama to go into a facility when the other sibs wanted that, so is a martyr to Mama's care at the expense of their own wellbeing.
When my mother was making my life so emotionally difficult, I realized that I could have gone to therapy, but then thought, "Why should *I* have to pay for something because of her?" And so I didn't. I would have balked at taking her to someone to talk to, also, because, again, that would be hours of MY time.
I'm sure many thought I was being selfish because I basically demanded compensation for the hours spent doing things for my mother. My one SIL huffed that SHE would never charge to take care of HER mother. Her H (my brother) quickly snapped at her, "Well, our mother isn't like YOUR mother!"
The 3 brothers were all afraid that our mother would become the responsibility of one of THEM, and were more than happy to have me be the one to deal with the day-to-day issues with my mother.
And of course it would had been a different story if my mother hadn't treated me as she did -- telling me I was a bad person and that my time was worthless. Her true feelings about me were definitely shown because she lost her filter. And she thought I was stupid, too, and would never take my advice about anything.
There is so much abuse of caregivers!
My mother is exactly like yours. I too was the family scapegoat since early childhood and my mother never had an ounce of respect for me. I'm her caregiver because we have a mutually beneficial arrangement. I would never consider doing it for free and if dementia shows up, she's going into a facility and she knows it. I will not be her caregiver then.
You have every right to be compensated for your services and I'm glad to hear that you were.