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I wrote this poem tonight. It needs a lot more work I’m sure since I’m not a poet. First poem I’ve written since high school over 25 years ago, first ever shared. I just really needed to express myself. There have to be lots of others who fantasize about being free from the burden of caring for a spouse at home.
Help


Thank you I said


To the baristas who were there
But not hearing me
As they were making the coffees
For others who ordered
In their daily routines like me


None of us pay attention
when the other is there
We repeat this habit daily
And carelessly talk to no one
While we pretend that they’ll hear
Because it’s polite to do so


The days usually vary
Once I get to the office
The challenges endless
But I get to use my brain
And I’m respected and treated
As a colleague and boss


On the way home I begin
To distract myself and prepare
for what’s coming, the evening
When my service will be required
Not a person but a spouse
Who’s needs aren’t important


He’s too young to be old


But he barks orders and groans
It’s a pity for sure
But there’s nothing to be done
But to march on to the doctors
And seek to reassure him


Would he be better to expire
That his pain would be removed
A floating soul in the air
With a body that works
And relief from the agony
That plagues him endlessly?


My soul aches for him as I wait
To remove his pants and shirt
He’s too young to be old
And to struggle to walk
To wait endlessly during the days
For the challenges to recede


I remain reluctantly by his side
Fighting the selfishness inside
The anger at the prison
That has become our lives
Endless trecks to the doctors
Slow repetition of the long nights


I long for freedom from him
I remember when I had toddlers
With the same kind of needs
and the hope for their futures,
Looking forward to the days
When they’d fly from the nest


They’d be healthy and able
To live on their own
Their whole lives ahead of them
A future and their own homes
And now I have graduated
To the next phase of life


But he’ll never get better


And take flight from our home
I am destined to serve him
For years til it ends
My hope is his death
When the window will open
For my next life’s chapter to begin


I know I am selfish but
Everyone says that I’m not
They think I’m quite selfless
But this aching inside me
For my freedom to come
Feels terribly wrong


Lord take my self pity


And help me to continue
To live through this morass.
I cannot endure it,
This self focused state
While he is right beside me


Might he make it though this?
Will I continue to serve
Out of habit and duty
Because the pattern is there
And he demands that I continue
To share all the pain?


My hopes they are waning
As sleep comes to relieve me
From the duty and long hours
It temporarily ends this struggle
To be a good wife as expected
While hating every moment


I can’t tell him I need his support
Or understanding of my needs
Because he gets angry and needy
Because he can’t fix it
He doesn’t want to be a burden
His needs are more important than mine


My soul wakes in the mornings
in anticipation of my days
The break from the man
That needs me so badly
But I can not stand to watch
Endlessly suffering in self pity


We’re a pair in a prison
That won’t let us free
From the stifling life
And sickness and pain
Stealing air from our lives
Killing us slowly


When it’s no longer us
And I recover the me
That was once a free spirit
Not living in fear
Of the next medical crisis
And the other shoe to drop


I will savor the moments
Of not bandaging the wounds
Of a man who is old
In his confinement from life
And I’ll dance and I’ll be
A young person again


My hope comes again
As I know he will die someday.
And I block out the present
When I’m home and emerged
In the servitude and duty
That is my purgatory.


Tomorrow will come and I’m happy
To need to pay the bills
Because it’s an excuse to
Have a job and pay someone else
To come in during the day
And I’m a free person at work

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Law,

You are indeed a poet, capturing so effectively the contradictions, monotony, and guilt of the caretaker. Keep writing. It's tremendously therapeutic.

Thanks for sharing it with us. How appropriate in this community! Many of us here share your burden of guilt, of wanting to take back our lives, to be relieved of what feels like a task with no end.

There should be no guilt attached to these natural feelings. No guilt!
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thank you so much :)
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You really did express so much in an artistic manner. The husband of a couple of close friends of ours suffered a major stroke nearly 3 years ago. The wife works and he has been approved for in home Medicaid. I almost feel as you are telling her story. Perhaps one day I will search this to share with her. Although I believe she has all these feelings I don't think she is quite ready to hear them. The husband will often call just to be able to speak to my husband as he has so few to communicate with. We have moved away from the area but will always stay in touch. Thank you for hearing such pertinent words.
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Many have felt as you do. Thanks for putting it into words. Hugs!
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Thank you! Your words speak to our deepest hearts....please keep writing
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Yup. One of my five (!) octagenarian aunts used to be a joy to be around but now she complains nonstop all night and day. My mother has moved in with her to take care of her and it has absolutely taken over our lives. I feel like I'm forever having to prop up someone else while nobody even notices what's going on w/me.

Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing this would end, but most of the time I feel angry. First therapy appointment this Wednesday, wish me luck!
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Wow. Very raw, honest and beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
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