Follow
Share

I am a full time working mother of four. We took in my husband's mother almost 5 years ago when her two daughters had moved out of their hometown and left her by herself. It has changed the dynamic of our home in negative ways, been a strain on my marriage, and a strain on our time with our children. Her health is declining to the point where we have to prepare all her meals for her and I foresee bath rooming and bathing coming next. We are not prepared for that and I can't afford to quit my job to do full time care for her. We've tried to keep her as independent as possible and let her manage her own meds, which there are a lot of. Her current health issues are: auto-immune disorder, low immunity, steroid induced blindness, chronic UTI infections, chronic dehydration, kidney issues, brittle bones from 15 plus years of steroid use, memory issues, nerve issues, hip replacement. She's 71.
My husband feels stuck. He doesn't want to kick her out. Her two daughters will not communicate with us on other options for her. Over the last five years, they have taken her for 3 - 4 months a few times to give us a break. I guess I should be grateful for that. It's just that we had to put her in the master bedroom because it was the only room downstairs in our house. We moved upstairs with the kids. I share a bathroom with my daughter and my husband shares with our three boys. I feel like I've been camping out for a long time. When she's gone, we keep her room shut up per her request. Everything we do seems to revolve around her care and her needs. I've had all I can take but I feel like I'm the only one trying to find another solution. That also makes me an easy fall guy for her children that won't make any decisions. Her daughters do not have a realistic picture of her physical challenges and see the solution being that she lives by herself again. I don't want the woman to suffer and die because I don't want her here, but I don't want her here anymore. I only have 5 more years before all my kids are grown. I want my family back, I want my house back, and I do not want to be a bedside nurse.
She owns a home that she rents but it needs repairs to sell. She's in an interest only loan because of a bankruptcy years ago and has no equity. Her rent income is very small and gets turned over to repairmen and lawn care people. She draws social security and a TINY retirement pension. If I try to get her on Medicaid and start moving toward an alternative care solution for her I will become this evil witch that wants to put mom in a home. I'm at my wits end and my husband, god love him, is not emotionally equipped to deal with this. Which leaves me stuck.
I know she's lonely. She has no friends here. Her daughters rarely come to visit. She watches TV ALL DAY and barely moves. She's a smoker (vaper) and was doing it in my home until I put my foot down last July and said no more. Now she goes outside about 5 times a day to do it. She can do that but she can't fix her own meals. We have four teenagers who do a tremendous job of helping us with her.
She's never really fit in here. She jumps in the middle of our parenting issues with the kids. Freely gives her advice on how to run our household. She does this mostly sitting in her chair in her room yelling across the house. She tells the kids things that are dysfunctional to our family peace and undermines our authority. The kids don't understand what's happening and are put in the middle of a terrible situation. She's illogical and ruled by whatever her emotions are at the time.
I appreciate anyone that has held on this long to read my rant. I'm at my wits end with this. I feel so powerless to do anything to change my situation at home. I love my husband and my kids dearly. I want them back without this...whatever this life is right now.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I agree with Daughterof1, as I think almost any post after mine will, too.
#1 - you /your family never agreed to care for her *forever*; even if you did, you could not ever have known what that would entail so that promise is off. Now her needs are beyond what you are physically and mentally able to provide, so now there must be another solution that works for both your family and her.
#2 - her daughters didn't "leave her by herself"...they are adults and have the freedom to live their lives as they choose. So do you. Your MIL is also a full grown adult who should have planned better for her sunset years, and didn't. Thus, this is the retirement she planned for. As you research facilities you will need to ask what they do about vaping.
#3 - COPD is inevitable for her as a smoker. BUT I'm not sure what facility will take a smoker and probably not a vaper, either. She will soon need more medical help than your family can (or should) provide.
#4 - she is isolated by being in your home. A care community will provide easily accessible social activities to fill her day and enrich her life.

Now let's talk about who can legally do what for your MIL. Who has durable PoA for your MIL? I hope it's your husband. If so, he should start by informing his sisters that you'll be transitioning her to AL and will be researching which one. If any sister objects, that sister should be told to move mom in with her. There are no other options. MIL will put up resistance (probably), but this must be ignored. A compassionate, gentle conversation needs to be had with her: "You need more help than we can give; you need more of a life, more medical attention," etc. No matter what she says the plan to move her stays in play. Make it about her, not you.

Next, hubs needs to figure out what her finances are (if he doesn't already). AL is not cheap and is not covered by Medicaid (except maybe in a few states but you'll have to check). If she doesn't have enough money to afford AL, you might have to consider the 3 siblings pitch in every month, if you think the sisters will honor this. I was so desperate to not have my MIL move in with us that I paid for really good health insurance for her so that the facility would take her in for "rehab" and then they allowed her to stay in LTC on Medicaid.

If she can afford AL make sure the facility has a continuum of care (meaning, IL, AL, LTC, MC and hospice) all in one connected facility, if at all possible. Make sure they accept Medicaid recipients, as this may be a reality for MIL.

That's enough "homework" for now. Your MIL is not independent by any means. Her presence is making everyone else in the home less independent as well. Everyone is orbiting around her and her abilities are diminishing and the orbiting will get more intense and more expensive. Please make this case carefully and tenderly to your husband...it's his mom, after all, and he cares about her. I wish you much success and a smooth transition for your MIL. Let us know how it goes!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
DILNEEDSHELP May 2020
That is a lot of terms I'm going to have to get familiar with. Thank you so much for this. I've never talked to anyone that "knows the lingo". The hard part is going to be getting my husband on board. He's got so much guilt wrapped up in all this and feels like sending her somewhere is a rejection. He also thinks she/we can't afford it which coming out of pocket on this is not an option for us. Not to mention, our money should be going to our kids to get them through high school and into college. Her poor planning should not have an effect on my kids.
One of her daughters lives in KY and the other in TN. I know KY has much better options for Medicaid than AL. Not sure about TN, but that is where MIL is from.
Thanks again this information!
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
My heart goes out to you.
I guess you’ve figured out more of same won’t help.
She needs a place to go. That’s the big picture.
Here is a place to start.

http://tarcog.us/area-agency-on-aging/

A needs assessment will indicate what level of care she requires and where she can find it. Be sure to let them know she will not be living in your home.

Her daughters can look in their areas as well Where they are may have better options available.

They may need her to go back to her own home before they will feel compelled to get involved.
If that’s their solution then so be it. Not for you to decide.

She can possibly get community Medicaid to get help for her in her home if she can’t do for herself. As you pointed out yourself she is able to do what she’s motivated to do.

I’m not sure who would dare call you a witch for not being willing to sacrifice more of your life for their mother.
But if that’s all it takes to get them motivated then get fitted for your broom.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
DILNEEDSHELP May 2020
I went to the link you provided. This is extremely helpful. Thank YOU! Just texted her daughters to say that we need to work on a different solution for her and they are receptive.
(8)
Report
It’s not a rant, it’s a much deserved cry for help. Your family, meaning you, your husband and children, need your home back and MIL needs a new plan. The power here lies with your husband, don’t give him an out of not being emotionally up for it, it’s his responsibility to meet with his mother, or sisters, or both, and tell them this won’t work any longer and come up with new living arrangements for his mother. Tell him you’re not staying if she does (leave it a mystery whether or not you might mean that) Who cares if you’re seen as mean? Your children don’t deserve this and have dealt with it far too long. Often we do something with the best of intentions, and watch it go all wrong, it doesn’t mean we’re stuck there. Thinking of your MIL also, this isn’t good for her either, it’s enabled her decline and not challenged her to actually live life. This site is filled with stories like yours, the brave ones make a change and come out better for it
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
DILNEEDSHELP May 2020
Thank you so much for your encouragement!
(1)
Report
One more bit of lingo...F.O.G, which stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

It's what your husband suffers from.

Reframing the situation for you, the fact that MIL never made a plan for HER old age does not make it YOUR problem to solve.

You are NOT a witch for not wanting to remove a dysfunctional person from your home while you raise your teenagers.

Please stick around for support.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

So glad to read your update. Whatever happens, don’t back down! You’ve made progress, many never do, and don’t let misguided guilt change the forward motion. This isn’t just for your own family, MIL needs a change too. If it proves not to be the right change, then another plan can be made, one not involving your home. Your husband’s first responsibility is to you and his children, not his mother. If he doesn’t see that, therapy is definitely in order. Great job reaching out and making progress!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

DILNEEDSHELP, please note that moving MIL from one state to another might impact Medicaid if she applies and qualifies before being moved.., do check before going down this path. I'm not positive how, but it has come up in other postings. Also, so sorry for using all the site "lingo". It makes responding faster. You can search on this site for what the abbreviations mean. And yes, there is a lot to learn, like drinking from a fire hose. Many on this site post here so that others won't have to learn things "the hard way", like many of us did.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

So, your husband doesnt think that providing his mother with a home and care, as well as upending his family life and straining his marriage is "enough"?

Why is he the designated sacrificial victim?

Would he consider seeking some professional guidance about this, either alone or with you?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
DILNEEDSHELP May 2020
No, he would definitely not go talk to someone. The encouragement from here has helped me have the confidence to address this with his sisters and make something happen. I think he needs some distance from the whole situation. MIL is very good at manipulating him. I think if I and his sisters can work to get some assistance in place, he will feel better. I plan on getting her applied for medicaid once we get her in her house. I think she will qualify for home based services given that she is disabled and blind.
(3)
Report
I’m so proud of you. Many people come on here and vent and that’s fine but you took action.
I wish her all the best and the daughters good luck.
Keep us posted. We will cheer you on.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

UPDATE: I reached out to her daughters and they are moving her back into her home. Since moving her in with us, they have both moved back to the hometown where MIL has a home. There is a plan to build ramps on front and back doors. They said they will be checking in on her daily. They have not addressed feeding and seem to think she can prepare her own food. They can bring her groceries. I proposed looking into programs in her state to get her started on. I can't start applying until we move her in. Tentative move in date is July. I feel this is a good start but there are things that need to be put in place. My husband is racked with guilt because he thinks she's going to die there. He doesn't trust his sisters to do a good job. I worry that it will have yet another effect on our marriage but I had to push this change for the other six people in the house. It's just not right that one person rules the six of us and has us at her beck and call 24/7. This will be better for her with COVID-19 because there will not be the risk of teenagers and full time workers bringing it into the house. My husband feels like this is breaking loyalty to his mom and she is definitely playing on his sympathies now. It makes me feel like I'm making the wrong choice because he is so worried over the consequences of this. At the same time, I'm frustrated that he can't see the effect it has on the rest of us.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter