My 90yo mom keeps silent to me and my sister 24h and lives in the same house. When she had a car accident and stopped driving she said nothing about it even when asked. She never called a doctor to get checked after her accident. She resumed her daily living of fixing her own meals, feeding ,clothing and going to the bathroom by herself. Out of the blue 2 “women from church” pop in the house to drive her for errands shopping cleaning dr. appointments and banking. These women are not family friends but new people. Mom refuses to give any info about her needs and concerns or complaints. She waits silently for her “ride” and goes. When she returns these women bring her groceries in silently then mom comes inside the house without any verbal interaction between them. Mom never checks to make sure that she’s got all her groceries nor do her drivers wait to make sure they got all her groceries. They race away quickly immediately after the groceries are dropped off quietly. Mom will never speak of her outings or her feelings or opinions only silence. She stays in her bedroom all day only coming to fix eat her meals and go to toilet. She has never had a urinary infection in spite of wearing adult diapers nor had any skin conditions nor difficulty walking doing no other activity. Her friendly cheerful bubbly conversations can be heard only when she answers the phone. I wondered if she is being humantrafficked for her long more than 20 years of silence and offering no info about herself or needing info from me, but her mental state of sharp mind ,managing her care and finances still at 90yo. I asked her why she doesn’t go on pleasure vacations or visits with friends and relatives,and she pretends not to understand me or changes the subject. Why would a self sufficient person choose to live like an invalid? This mom never says negative complaints of her life only remaining silent independent like a roommate. My sister isn’t concerned or bothered about her. She also is weird living like an agoraphobic 62yo staying indoors 99% time,yet having all her mental faculties intact. After not driving for more than 4 months staying indoors whole time, she was able to drive to the doctor easily without any difficulty as though she never stopped driving . Being outdoors after living a shut in for 4 months presented no anxiety needing no support.
Both mom and sister have their mental faculties intact as well as self care intact in spite of living like invalids. Are there others like mom/sister?
Are you her PoA? Is anyone? You can't choose your family but you can choose if/how you engage with them. If what you say is true, then I wouldn't waste another moment fretting about her and how she chooses to live and treat you. Wishing you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
Could Mom and sister be autistic? Was Mom always like this?
I put in search "person fully functional but will not engage socially" and got depression and a social anxiety disorder.
"There is no existing "list" of challenges for the aging process in individuals on the autism spectrum. The impact of aging, however, can be much more traumatic and/or challenging for the individual with ASD due to less flexibility (physically and mentally), more sensory issues, and decreasing social skills."
Here is an article
https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca/articles/autism-after-65.html
How long have the three of you been living together and who’s house do you live in? Have you always each lived independently like room mates in the same house or did you share meals and tv like family members at one time? Have things changed significantly somehow or are you just noticing the independent habits of your housemates changing?
On the surface it sounds like your mom is taking care of herself and handling her affairs well, perhaps even doing what so many here wish their aging LO’s had or would by recognizing their increasing need and planning for that not making their children their “plan”. I even smiled a little reading this because it kind of sounds like the reverse issue of what we talk about here so often. Your mom has hired helpers to drive her around and do errands, small chores and is calling them “women from church” to get you to accept the help for her, I don’t know that this is the case but either way she is making sure the burden doesn’t fall on her children.
On the other hand she is being very tight lipped and wants her children to believe everything is normal (and it may be) without sharing enough about her medical details (providers, Heath issues, wishes, directives, legalities) and where to find them, making it seem likely she doesn’t have arguably the most important things covered. Doesn’t sound like she is sharing enough of her financial plan either which someone needs to know in the event she is no longer able and even if she has that covered with someone else it does seem odd, to me, that she isn’t letting her children know that.
The more I write down my thoughts the more it feels like something is missing from the information you have given us. I hear that’s a big part of your concern too but have you all had a strained relationship over the years, is it possible your mom and sister have this worked out and are keeping you in the dark on purpose or maybe not on purpose but because they are doing the ostrich thing on this topic because they are so afraid of it? Sometimes the path of least resistance is just ignoring the elephant even though it isn’t really the easier way. Do you have other siblings who might have more info or at least you could talk to, other close family?
Last I do want to ask are you working still? Do you have the social, active life you want and have you planned for your future? Just don’t let those things get put on the back burner while worrying about your mom and sister. You can’t help anyone if you aren’t taking care of yourself!
There are some mental health diagnoses that come to mind..but you need to talk to your own therapist for guidance. (and yes, you do need to have someone with skills to support you so you don't lose your own self in this process.)
There are disorders of mood - such as anxiety.
There are inborn or acquired errors of processing information and interacting with others. Autism spectrum, traumatic brain injury, or brain changes due to the side effect of other medical treatment are all possible here.
There are disorders of personality - a person's fairly fixed (continues over time and in a variety of aspect of life) that are considered avoidant.
Personality disorders are easier to. mask at a younger age, harder as we get older.
Contact your local area on aging, ask to talk to a care consultant about your concerns, they may have some ideas for you. Also talk to your own health care provider about your situation (you do have one, right?)
Please take good care of yourself. You are in an confusing situation, as you can tell.