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My MIL recently fell and broke her hip and had a full hip replacement. She lived alone but could only get around by the use of a wheelchair. She does the bare minimum of physical therapy and is completely bedridden. She expects that her 2 children must do the caregiving and there is simply not enough of them to do 24-hour care. And not to mention neither want to be either. She is mean and hateful with both of them and can not afford an outside caregiver. She also thinks she can live alone and refuses to discuss long-term assisted living.

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How recently? When did your MIL have the surgery, and when was she sent home?

I'm asking to see if it's not too late to halt the process and arrange for her to be diverted to residential rehab.
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Did she do rehab in a SNF for a period of time? Was there a discharge plan in place when she left SNF? Children are not required to do more caregiving than they are able to or any at all if they don't wish to, but they should have made that clear at the discharge planning meeting. At this point they can (or somebody can) call a state social worker to get involved to look after MIL. they can't just abandon her without calling anybody for help, but they can and should notify a state social worker that mother is vulnerable and there are not enough family or resources to take care of her.
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Nobody wants to break their hip.
Nobody wants to lose their independence.

Fact #1. But it happened. MIL broker her hip.

She is fighting hard to keep her 'old' life. But a Broken Hip is a life-changing event for many. Especially if they live alone. (For some, even the beginning of the end).

If you can't walk, can't propel yourself in a wheelchair or transfer alone - you now need help. Fact #2 now a semi-dependant or dependant person.

She has denial of this at present. But MIL will need to CHANGE. Face the facts. A useful way can be with counselling/psychologist to support this big change (if possible).

Fact #4 If informal supports (ie family) are insufficient to meet the care needs, formal supports (ie services/home help/aides) need to be added.

Fact #5 if not enough to fund the staff of helpers needed to stay in original home - the person must move to where that help is (AL or NH).

Fact #3 If the family can't do it all - then they can't do it all. Someone *expecting* to keep their life just as it was has their expectations wrong.

*Expecting* others to leave their family/jobs/homes/interests so that They don't need to change.. is wrong & quite frankly, very selfish.

"She also thinks she can live alone and refuses to discuss a long term assistant living'.
Discuss that with her Doctors. Is this denial? Or are there actual cognition problems? Like it or not - when the adult children say no more, what other choice is there?
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polarbear Apr 2022
Beatty - you had me wondering what happened to Fact #3 for a minute. Haha 😂
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Were you told by Rehab or a doctor she needs 24/7 care?

Is she in Rehab at this time? If rehab is saying she needs 24/7 care then allow them to transfer her to LTC. Where I live Rehab and the NH are in the same building so easy transition. Tell them to discharge her would be "unsafe". That she cannot afford in home care and none of her children can take on the caregiving. Do not let them talk you into caring for her with promises to help. There is a shortage of aides and Medicaid cannot give u the hours needed. They will do anything to get family to take over care. Be firm, no.

I hope someone has POA. Its a great tool. You take whatever money she has available to pay her way. The NH can help get you started with the Medicaid application when needed. But, be very involved in the process. Keep in touch with the Medicaid caseworker. Don't expect the NH to do their job. You only have 90days to apply, spend down money and get the info needed to the caseworker.
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Curious: if her two children do not want to look after their own mother, why should you care. She’s only your MIL. I know you are married to one of her kids, but caring for her is not your responsibility.

But make it clear (and be firm about it ) to your spouse that you are not going to be a caregiver if the mother somehow ends up living with you two. Not your mother, not your concern.
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cignal Apr 2022
i think op's point is that she is worried her husband will get in trouble for not taking care of mom, not that she herself will have to take care of mom.
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Make sure your H isn't the one who caves to become Momma's caregiving slave. He and his sibiling must present a unified front to Momma that facility placement is necessary.
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Let her children handle this.

As an in-law, you may harm your relationship with the family if you get involved.
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PeggySue2020 Apr 2022
See my recent drama. I’d love to tell my mil to stick it with trying to inculcate my so into poop duty as he’s already said he won’t do that. She makes me sick.
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I'd report it to Social Services if they will take an anonymous report and investigate.
Something should be looked into here. KBH
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I’m surprised the hospital released her. Mom broke her hip…20+ years ago ( 75 yo). I realize many things have changed…ie now out patient. But the hospital told me they were looking for a nursing home for her. I questioned it, and they had her go to a therapy room to test her. Had to walk steps, get on & off a toilet, maneuver around a kitchen/bedroom. Found out she was capable, allowed her to come home. My neighbor, although much younger than mom was, had his replacement in Dec. Outpatient, walking around the same day. Not sure why your MIL needs so much help? Maybe a visit once or twice a day to check on her. Sounds as if she is realizing her mortality and becoming scared.


and for those saying ‘she’s only your MIL…shame on you. My MIL would only discuss her wishes & fears with me… she didn’t want to ‘hurt’ her children. While we had many differences, we were also close. when I married my husband, I adopted his family as mine, and mine was his. We’ve been married over 50 years, so obviously worked for us. Besides that, anyone loving their spouse will do anything to help them .
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As long as she is mentally competent to make her won decisions, she must be allowed to suffer the results of those decisions. If she is mentally incompetent (need a doctor to diagnose this), then the person with power of attorney has the ability to manage her finances and health matters. If the family who care for her know she is incompetent and neglect to get her the care she needs, they might get in trouble with the local authorities.

It might be best to talk with the family about getting her thorough physical, cognitive, and mental health evaluations. Most times it is easier to get her placed into a long term facility when a person is hospitalized.
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No they are not liable for her care, nor should they be in my own opinion. She can make her own choice, and deal with the consequences of the choice; her children should get on with their own lives. They are enabling her to be alone and in danger.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
No, AlvaDeer. She cannot make her own choice to live alone if she is bedridden.
She's an at-risk, vulnerable adult. Her family needs to call APS and tell them what's going on. The state will place her.
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There are a lot of missing facts here that commenters are attempting to fill in. It seems to me at this point that Jenwilk77 is simply asking whether the children "have" to get involved by law. That is a good question for an attorney. If the MIL doesn't want the childrens' advice, only their caregiving help, and they don't want to provide that help, it seems to come down to whether or not they have a legal obligation to determine whether she is competent to make her own decisions and suffer the consequences for them. I doubt anyone reading this is qualified to advise on that.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
iameli,

Even if she isn't competent, they are not obligated to take care of her.
No one is obligated by the law to take care of their elderly family members. This is what APS is for. This is why elders become wards of the state.
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No, they are not liable for her care. Not unless someone has POA, guardianship, or conservatorship over her. If such is the case, the person or persons who have it are liable to make sure she has adequate care and is living in a safe environment. They also are responsible for making sure her money is used to pay her bills.
Her being mean and hateful is irrelevant. Refusing to discuss any care plans is too. They simply have to be made whether she likes them or not.
The way to deal with people like your MIL in her condition, is not to "ask" her anything or to be tolerant of her verbal abuse. You don't ask. You tell.
Research some options. If she cannot afford homecare, she can't afford assisted living. AL wouldn't be an option for her anyway if she's bedridden. Really the only possibilities for your MIL if she's bedridden are a live-in caregiver and if you hire one privately you can negotiate the pay with them directly, or a nursing home. Either way she isn't going to be living alone like she thinks. Her kids need to get together and have a meeting (without her) and make a plan for what they think is best. Then tell your MIL about it.
If they don't want to be caregivers, they don't have to be.
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KaleyBug Apr 2022
Incorrect It depends on what state you live in. The US lets each state determine if children are responsible for their parents safety
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As adults, in the US, we are liable for our darling off-spring until they're 18 years old, but we are not liable for any other human being (relative or not).

Sounds like mom needs placement and medical care, I guess a nursing facility or Assisted Living are appropriate. Perhaps Medicaid is possible, depending on her assets.

Here's a site to review and, perhaps, "A Place For Mom" may be helpful.
https://www.caring.com/senior-living/assisted-living/
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KaleyBug Apr 2022
Per my mil’s doctor if you are aware your parent is in an unsafe environment you are responsible if something happens. It actually depends on what state you live in. You can google to see if your state requires you to take care of your parent.
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i would see an eldercare attorney who might be able to provide you with some guidance on how to proceed. You could also contact your local agency on aging or help. What does your husband want to do - he and his sibling[s] should get together and work out how to deal with the situation
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Jenwilk77: Perhaps your MIL should have been sent to a rehabilitation facility after breaking her hip, which is often noted to be a life altering injury.
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Call APS and a social worker will do an assessment. If she is a danger to herself....and lack of resources the court will place her.
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States that require you to care for parents

https://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/pdf/health/NOA/30states.pdf
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polarbear Apr 2022
Kaley,

I looked up the article from the link you provided. Here's the excerpt at the very end. I break up the paragraph so it's easier to read.

"State laws vary. however, law student Shannon Edelstone, in her award-winning essay (cited below), studied all of the state laws and found that most agree that children have a duty to provide necessities for parents who cannot do so for themselves."

"The states' legislation also gives guidelines to the courts, telling judges to use a number of factors when weighing the adult child's ability to PAY against the indigent parent's needs."

"Judges, accordingly, have considered:
--such variables as the adult child's financing of their child's college education,
--as well as his/her personal needs for savings and retirement."

My interpretation is that courts put the needs of the adult children, and their children ahead of the parents' need.

I'm not saying adult children should abandon their parents, they absolutely should help if they have the ability.
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Kaley, even those states don't require you to care for your parents. Just to pay for it, and only then if you have the means.
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Forcing people to love you and respect you never works. Perhaps lawyers can fight the laws, but then only the lawyers win.

I guess my mother was considered indigent because I was never asked for any financial support while she was in the nursing home. I have often wondered if they applied for Medicaid and never discussed it with me. Perhaps they took mercy that I was very pregnant and she was dying of lung cancer. I don't know the answer, but I am grateful because I was poor as the proverbial "church mouse" at that point in my life.
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