Follow
Share

Every time I visit my mum who is 82 lives alone but has carers she is always depressing. So on Christmas Day I went round with her gifts and she started again saying how she doesn’t want to live and this is the worst Christmas and has every illness under the sun according to her. So I just said I hear this all year round and don’t want to hear it on Christmas Day and walked out. She seriously depresses the life out of me and I hate her for it. I offered for her to come to my house which is round the corner but she has always an excuse about not feeling well or she doesn’t want the hassle. Am I being cruel as I tend to lose my patience with her as she has been like this for years and life is hard enough without being around her she has slight dementia thanks

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I’m not being judgmental, just expressing my own opinion like everyone else. She’s asking for opinions and I gave mine. If doesn’t make me RIGHT …. Just my “opinion”. Life isn’t easy for any of us. If you don’t want to be a caregiver… don’t be one. If you don’t want to respect a parent or sibling, or anyone, that’s on you. We all have to account for our own behaviors… right or wrong. If you are here ASKING for opinions, the answers will vary. No intention to offend anyone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My grandmother was the same way and I always felt so depressed after visiting her that I was almost suicidal at the thought of aging. It really helped to have someone come with me to visit her. She was cheerful when anyone else was in the room.

Has she always been this way? Is she like this with other people? Turns out that my grandmother and mom both thought that it was fine to deliberately make me upset, so that I felt worse than them. My mom's social worker heard her admit it. I'm not saying that your mom is doing it on purpose, but it could be a possibility.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I dunno about some of the folks here writing that elderly people are wracked with pain, issues and bitterness and that happens 'cause you're getting old. Then....why on earth have a web site like this one? If elderly people are just so cranky, then why post here? Should it then be no big deal, and move on?
Then, there's the rest of us, caught in the quandry of shifting personality changes, odd behavior, anger isssues, and ya know what? We're only human, grappling with these transformations of how we can deal with difficult people and circumstances. This is incredibly difficult and there are no easy answers.
This is my second stint as a caregiver. Learned a lot the first time, and this time-I'm standing up for myself, and it feels really, really good.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
ThomasY Dec 2021
Very well said. I get great peace and satisfaction as a caregiver too.
But I do have help.
(3)
Report
Toxic people are to be avoided at all costs. If you feel you must visit her, leave the minute she starts whining and complaining. Tell her the first time, you will be back when she is in a better mood. Any subsequent visit, just get up and leave.
Phone calls. Same action. The first time, sorry mom, I'll talk to you when you are feeling better. Subsequent calls, sorry mom, I've got to go, goodbye.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You are not being cruel. You are taking care of yourself. Give yourself a big hug. I have dealt with my mom's negativity for decades. This year, we thought we would "bring Christmas to her." What a joke. She complained about the food and her lack of thoughtfulness in not giving us gifts. Crazy much? I was going to spend more time with her this holiday but have no gas left in my tank. There comes a time as adults when we must take care of ourselves when they refuse to cooperate. Staying in the situation would have only gotten worse. You should be proud of yourself for exiting the toxicity. Congratulations.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Stop trying to please the unpleaseable. If she's unpleasant on a visit, leave and don't come back. Let the caregivers caregive, and lead your own life.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Taylorb1: Sorry that your mother suffers from dementia.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Hate is an expression I don't want to use in the context you used it in. Ever.
Best of luck to you in these here difficult times.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
PeggySue2020 Dec 2021
It's a reflection of frustration Thomas, and that is all. Quit preaching to people about linguistics.
(6)
Report
At 82 she probably DOES have pain and feels like crap! How old are you ? I’m 72 and active and in Good health but have had a knee replacement and shoulder surgery for a torn rotator cuff and quite honestly I’m feeling exhausted and my knees are killing me. I keep it to myself because I don’t want to burden my daughters with it and I just recently had to place my husband in the veterans home due to advanced Alzheimer’s/ vascular dementia. We are all extremely sad and broken hearted. You might understand better as you yourself age and feel lonely. Cut your mom some slack. Getting old and not feeling well isn’t fun and we all need someone to talk to. Give her a hug… you won’t have her forever . Only YOU know if your actions are “ mean”. Your comment that you “ hate her “ for being depressed is appalling. Have YOU ever been depressed…. And if she has dementia her brain is “ broken”….. not her fault. Do you HATE her for having dementia too ? You will also grow old. Let’s hope your kids( if you have any) don’t “ hate you” as well.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You say she has been "like this for years". Why would you think it will change with the vagaries of old age added into the recipe? In age we have everything taken from us. Our continence, our homes, our mobility, our families (in that we descend into no more than a burden), all choices, and finally our minds. We live day and night with pains of one sort or another. There is little to be enormously happy about and many people struggle with all of this to try to comfort families that "everything is all right".
You aren't being cruel. This is making you hopeless and depressed. Making you feel guilt that your mother is no more now than a burden from which you expect nothing but depression and unhappiness.
In the coming year I would discuss with your Mom how you feel about all of this, that you understand the losses and the agonies of old age and you sympathize, but that there is little you can do about it. Ask her if she would consider speaking with her doctor about mild anti-depressant. Other than THIS it is on YOU to understand that not everything can be fixed. And that YOU, as family, are the one who should fix it.
This is a sad time. For your Mom and for you when you are with her to witness it. So the only answer is that you are so very sorry; is there something you can do right THEN in that moment to help her. And then move on with your life.
I have never liked the "holidays". To me they put an onus and burden on us to "make nice". For your Mom that isn't a choice any more. Would it help a whole lot it she DID?
I am so sorry. This is all over soon, and we will be back to real life. Wishing you the best.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

A school friend died at 71 this time last year. It was an on and off friendship. The last 7 years of her life I cared for my grandson for 18 months and then had my Mom who I cared for in my home and then placed in an AL, so I did not see her much. We talked on the phone. She was estranged from one son. The other lived 2 hrs away. She was a Debbie Downer. She would call me to basically to complain about her life. Her life was the way it was because of the choices she made. I and others would suggest things to her but there was always a reason why she couldn't do it. I remember a few Christmas's back when she was told by a son that she wasn't invited to Christmas because he was tired of the drama. I so wanted to tell her that SHE brought on her problems. She expected too much from others. SHE needed to change her outlook. She died in a NH during COVID. Her boys were there but that was kind of late.

No, you weren't wrong to lose ur patience. But, she has been like this for a long time and SHE has done nothing about it. Its was up to her to make a life for herself. If she has Dementia, it will only make her depression even worse. I suggest you take her for a goid examination. Tell her Medicare asks that everyone get one once a year. Labs will show if there is something physical. Low potassium will cause depression. Low B12 can effect cognitive ability. Thyroid can cause problems. Dehydration. I would write a note to the doctor telling him her history and ask that it be given him before her appt. That way he can ask the correct questions and look for certain things. He can give a basic cognitive test but a Neurologist is what she needs to get a diagnosis of Dementia.

You, don't try too hard. This is Mom she is not going to change. You need to except this is her personality and work around it. Next year give her her gifts on Christmas Eve. Only see her when you feel you can deal with her. If she has a Dementia, she will not be able to live alone. If u do not have POA, get her to assign you and make it immediate. Its a tool. It gives you the ability to know where she stands financially. Gives you the ability to talk with her doctors. It does not mean ur at her beck and call. Does not mean you physically take care of her but gives u the ability to place her when the time comes. You set boundries for you. You did good walking out. You ask her to come over and she says No, then u say to yourself, I tried.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Taylor
My mom was critical of my efforts to care for her at the same time she was apologetic for needing the care. Of course, the criticism is what rankled. It’s not the actual caring that bothered me as she was fairly independent.
Your mom sounds like she needs a place to vent or a person to vent to. By default you apparently are it. I agree that you should not bring her into your home as you would have to deal with it constantly and it is hard for you. You feel better in your home but mom probably wouldn’t. Or if she did, she would soon feel “at home” and start complaining. But a change of scenery IS good for depression. Just not in your home. That’s YOUR safe place.
What helped me was to set my intention before each visit. A mental or actual check list of what needed doing. The next step was to stay focused. After the chores were done, I would sit a minute and visit. Not near long enough in retrospect. But I had a long drive and would be off fairly soon. I regret that now as she knew I would.
Since you are nearby you have a chance to try different things.
Tell mom what the ground rules are. Since she has caregivers, you can’t easily hide behind the chores like I did. But you could have a checklist of her health issues. Perhaps you could reassure her a bit by taking and recording her vitals. This way you touch her, observe her and show concern when appropriate. That would take less than five minutes. (think how short doctor visits are). Then bring up three topics for discussion. If she’s not having it, leave. Those are your terms for visiting. Start there and adjust as you become more comfortable but do not allow yourself more than 10 or 15 minutes. That’s long enough. Perhaps too long. If you are going daily, stop that and only go when YOU want to.
Hate is a strong emotion that can affect your health and better judgment. If you truly hate her in those moments, please do something to soothe your spirits.
I hope you feel better soon and if the caregivers say she is the same with them, just know it’s not personal. She does have dementia.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

With dementia you are not going to change her.
If she has been like this for 82 years she is not going to change.
What can change is how you deal with her.
What you did, walking out when it got to you is EXACTLY what I would have done.
She is not alone so she is safe.
She may not connect "cause and effect" when you walk out but it will save your sanity.
You are not being cruel.
She probably has absolutely no idea why she depresses you if she has been like this forever.
(by the way I probably would not invite her to your house, much easier for you to walk out when you are at her house.)
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Depressed people can certainly suck the joy and life right out of you.

Is your mom being treated for depression? Has she always been like this or kind of new?

So that you don't lose your patience so much, maybe try to accept that this is the way things are with her. It is doubtful that you will be able to change her negative talking. While it's NO fun to be around, if you know that this is what she's going to say every time you see her, then don't get upset about it. Plan on very short visits and don't let her standard complaints get you down. Change the subject - have one or two topics ready. When that ends, tell her it's time for you to leave now. Maybe there are ways to try to "train" her to talk about something other than her depressing topics? Not likely if she has dementia.

Working on getting a dementia diagnosis for my mom but I know she has it. Conversation with her is soooo boring. It's so hard for me. She doesn't engage or says awkward things that are hard to understand and she can't explain it further so that I can know what she is actually trying to tell me. I dread talking with her cuz it's just so strange. When I have to drive her somewhere, and everything is at least 30 minutes from our house, I seriously dread it. I turn the radio up a bit and sing! A little convo but as little as possible and basically only what's necessary. I feel cruel but I just can't force myself to do better. I'm not the peppy cheerleader type that seems to be needed to deal with this. Who has the energy for that??
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Katefalc Dec 2021
She’s your mother for God sake !! Were you all sunshine and butterflies growing up??? People get sick as they age. Was your mom good to you ?? Is it that hard to love her and show compassion? If you don’t want to be “ bothered “ with her… don’t. Place her and move on. I hope my kids never feel this way about me. I’ll place myself when that time comes. I want to be loved… not “ hated” for being SICK.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
I’m so sorry. I have know answers, but can relate to how you feel.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter