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My father is 91 years old. He has slight cognitive decline and mobility issues due to arthritis. Since I live closest to him, my daughter and I alternate times to go over to the house and help with meals, laundry and running the household. My brother has financial POA. Since my daughter and I are spending over 20 hours a week with my dad, the general consensus between siblings was to pay ourselves a nominal amount for our time and services. Recently, my brother placed a security camera in my dad's living room. He said it was to check in on my dad a few times a day to make sure he's okay when nobody is there. On a weekly basis, my daughter and I send our estimated hours/schedule to my siblings. This is not a job on an assembly line. Turns out that my brother and his future wife are stalking us. E-mails and voicemails from the future wife informing us that we said we'd be there at 4:00 but didn't get there until 4:20. Your daughter should be cleaning the house instead of sitting on the couch (she's a college student who studies while she's there if my dad is resting). There are two missing checks from my Dad's checkbook and my daughter and I are being accused of stealing them. My daughter and I aren't stressed watching my Dad. My brother's future wife is causing all of the stress. Yesterday I had three voicemail messages from her demanding that I call her back to let her know what I did with the missing checks and to explain why we weren't adhering to the times we committed to. Since we have started to pay ourselves, I have always adjusted the hours worked in regards to pay. Is it legal for them to use the security camera to watch out every move? This is a family matter. I don't need to be micromanaged by anybody. I'm at my wits end.

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Im sorry that you are being subjected to such pettiness! Obviously your brothers wife has never been in the predicament of not being able to find a person willing to care for your father that not only do they trust to keep him safe, but two people who actually love him and that he feels comfortable with. I would have paid every last penny I had to someone who I knew cared about my mom as much as I do. And as a caregiver for my mother, I can attest to the fact that the “job” doesn’t begin when I’m with her and end when I get to leave. It’s on my mind every minute that I’m away and I’m always thinking of her or doing things to make her life easier and better. Im so sorry that you have to put up with this. I would say let them do the “job” for even a week in order to understand what it entails. But I know it’s easy to say that, I would never have been able to do it because it would end up being harder for the loved one. I don’t really think anyone who isn’t in the situation can have a full understanding of what it is like. Hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything! I genuinely hope your situation gets better and that they realize what’s really important-your dad❤️
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I’d unplug it when I arrive, and plug it back in when I leave. I wouldn’t be playing those games, no way.
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Respectfully tell sibling and future wife you aren't their employee where you punch a time clock. Keep general track of your hours.

If it continues tell sibling he can hire home health aides for dad then you are free to visit dad and do for him as you want to give to your dad/grandad as a loving gift.
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Refuse further pay for services related to your dad. If you and your daughter need money, work a different job with a less bizarre set up.

Continue to spend time with your dad, but only off the premises. Take him to your place and let him nap there. This is not his fault and he needs you and your daughter in his life.

Do not discuss this with or complain to your dad or other family members. It will be divisive and is too stressful for your dad. If anyone asks, just say, “the situation didn’t work out due to schedule conflicts.”

Unfortunately, this is a barometer for a storm ahead. Avoid interactions and events where you/your daughter and your brother/his wife are the only ones present.

If they talk trash about you and your daughter, let them. Keep your head up and out of the fray.
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How close are you to your brother? Is he aware of all this micromanaging? Do you truly need the money? If you can manage without this "job", then you might explain to your brother that the stress caused by this "new job situation" will lead you to quitting. Which is a shame because it was working before. Which would also mean that brother would have to figure out aides on an ongoing basis.
You are fine with dad, but the work situation as it now stands are going to force you to stand back to protect your mental health.
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You wrote

“Thank you for your input. After speaking with my brother and sister, the future SIL will be out of the picture for now. Hopefully forever. Future SIL was caring for her elderly mother. She had POA and her siblings took it away from her. Don't know what happened, but just shows that she's a troublemaker!!”


Im glad you have addressed this with your brother and given the forum feedback. I know you are only wanting to take care of your dad and not cause more conflict.

I would just like to mention that the siblings can’t take a POA away. Only the principal, In this case your dad, can assign a POA.

If dad only has slight cognitive decline he can quiet possibly/even probably reappoint or amend his POA.

It appears that brother doesn’t have time to manage dads finances on his own and is bringing in an outsider disrupting the family.

If dad needs a medical decision made, this woman will have more influence than dads own children. She has already shown her hand. If you think brother is still the best person to handle finances, then separate the medical from the financial.
Things will not stay the same because dads condition will decline. Personally I would want both with sister as back up if I were doing the caregiving.

Should he not be able to make this decision at this point, your only recourse would be to file for guardianship. This is very expensive and not assured. Keep very good records of what brother does and doesn’t do just in case you need to take action.

On the cameras, they should be removed or you given access so that you can also observe what is happening with dad when you aren’t there. If he bought the wrong type cameras, they should be replaced with ones that give siblings access to check in on dad as well. They are handy when an elder lives alone.

Hoping you can make the changes and that dad is still able.
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rovana Sep 2021
I believe that a POA can be terminated by legal process in court.
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Just curious....what is the "nominal amount" that you and your D are paid? Are you paid on an hourly or weekly rate?
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I'm not sure regarding the legality of the camera... And I am all too familiar with not wanting to "inciting" drama, or an argument... However, as far as that woman who is over stepping her bounds?- THAT needs to be stopped immediately. Just bc he has the financial POA, this responsibility does not in any way give him or that woman (ESPECIALLY that woman, who OBVIOUSLY doesn't know her place, and should very much and without any question, be reminded of that favt. Even if they are (eventually) married, she is NOT your employer nor is she your father's child. That is not her place and your brother is so wrong for allowing it much less encouraging it.
I had to address this issue, however, he wasn't in any position or did he serve any true purpose other than annoying and interfering in Mom's care and safety)
But perhaps this will help. I blocked her. Told her I wouldn't talk to her. And by blocking my brother's baby mama and informing him I have no obligation to speak or engage with the Mad Cow, nor would I.
Double bonus - he left me alone bc he got so sick of her "reporting" to him and having to deal with it, he told her to stop. Ending part of the main problem and the added benefit of less crap in general.
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I'm not sure regarding the legality of the camera... And I am all too familiar with not wanting to "inciting" drama, or an argument... However, as far as that woman who is over stepping her bounds?- THAT needs to be stopped immediately. Just bc he has the financial POA, this responsibility does not in any way give him or that woman (ESPECIALLY that woman, who OBVIOUSLY doesn't know her place, and should very much and without any question, be reminded of that favt. Even if they are (eventually) married, she is NOT your employer nor is she your father's child. That is not her place and your brother is so wrong for allowing it much less encouraging it.
I had to address this issue, however, he wasn't in any position or did he serve any true purpose other than annoying and interfering in Mom's care and safety)
But perhaps this will help. I blocked her. Told her I wouldn't talk to her. And by blocking my brother's baby mama and informing him I have no obligation to speak or engage with the Mad Cow, nor would I.
Double bonus - he left me alone bc he got so sick of her "reporting" to him and having to deal with it, he told her to stop. Ending part of the main problem and the added benefit of less crap in general.
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Some ideas I’d consider doing:
1) Turn off cameras as soon as you enter, turn on as you leave because that’s when monitoring would help.
2) Do not discuss anything about Dad or timing or caring or money with brother’s girlfriend. Just don’t answer her. Tell brother that's what you are doing, and stick to it.
3) Ask brother whether GF is monitoring this at his request. If so, why? If not, why is it happening? He should be calling the shots. Do not accept ‘She offered to’, ‘She’s doing it to help me be sure about the POA terms’, or anything along those lines. It’s not her business.
4) If brother is not willing to sort this out with GF, suggest that they need to go to pre-marriage guidance ASAP. If GF can take over something that’s clearly not her business and cause stress, what does he expect after marriage?
5) Suggest that if GF wants things done differently, she takes over the caring work herself – at least for a week or so to give herself some practical experience. This would be ‘best practice’ even if she was boss, more so considering that she’s not.

This situation has some bad vibes for the future, for you, brother, Dad and anyone else in the family - and for her own married happiness as well. It’s worth dealing with it now!
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diofdi Sep 2021
Thanks. I have stopped communicating with my brother's future wife. Unfortunately, he's suddenly bossing me around and questioning everything I do. I suspect that she's behind this. She's a narcissist, no doubt. I don't know how he puts up with her! My plan is to turn off, or remove the cameras and to take care of my Dad as I have been. No need to communicate with either of them. The only thing my brother and his fiance do is take care of finances. All of the other caregiving is left on us. I do wish I had a copy of the POA. I didn't know that a POA could delegate the responsibility to someone else (fiance is pretty much taking care of it all).
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diofdi: I did see your update stating that your brother's future wife and the conflict therein has been resolved. Best of luck.
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As for this "complaint":

"Your daughter should be cleaning the house instead of sitting on the couch (she's a college student who studies while she's there if my dad is resting)."

If the planned tasks for the day are done (meals, cleaning, laundry) and he is resting, then there's no reason for her to make "busy" work. When trying to hire aides so my mother could stay in her own place longer, it was only for 1hr/day and she didn't really need "help", it was more to get her used to having them there, to ramp up time and duties as needed. I didn't care if they sat there shooting the breeze with her. The other reason was to have "eyes" on her, and check to be sure she took her medication. They can't handle it or dispense it, but they can check the dispenser (timed/locked) and point out if she missed it. Despite audio/visual alarms, she sometimes didn't see/hear it.

She's there and if the tasks are done, sit, read, watch tv, study, whatever, and if he needs/wants something, she can get it. Again, this was the buttinsky, not the POA, so she can just buttoutsky!
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I see you addressed these two issues in a response to another comment, but I wanted to say pretty much the same, and this will back you up.

1) this isn't a "regular" job
2) missing checks can have a stop payment done to prevent cashing
3) if he's such a great POA, can he not check the account to see if these have been cashed, and if so, by who?
4) HE is POA, not her. Any issues should be addressed by HIM, not her. Even if they were married, she is NOT the POA.

Sounds like SHE is the issue behind these contentions. It was probably her idea to put the camera in. A camera is fine, we put some in mom's place - being at a distance, it was some measure of assurance she was up and about. Using it to "spy" on you and criticize what you do is NOT what the camera was installed for, so he says....

As far as time spent working/helping, the exact time you get there isn't important, since it's not a regular job and what you are doing for him isn't under some kind of time contraint. Certainly if one is 1/2 late arriving, but leaves 1/2 hour later, what's the issue? If you were arriving 1/2 late and leaving the usual time, but charging for the full time, then there would be cause for concern. SHE needs to be out of the picture (sounds like this is the case, for now... Stay on that!)
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Cameras in your Dad's house is a great idea.
Bit, when you go there, you could cover the camera up but easy to just unplug the camera, so you can't be heard or seen.

As far as pay, you should be paid minimum $12 an hour.

Care givers paid $12 an hr only do care for the individual like cook their meals and do their laundry and
take them to the bathroom.

They keep the individual company and are there so they won't be alone.

They do not clean the house.

There is nothing wrong with watching TV, Reading and Studying if the person being taken care of is sleeping.

Let your brother know you will only be taking to him regarding Dad and that his Fiance needs to Back Off!
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I was in the exact same situation as you are when brother with POA starting telling me & my son how & when he wanted things done when he was doing nothing to help but handling mom’s money. We weren’t being paid either….in fact it was costing us money.

We had an argument & I told him I was done & he could do it himself. A few month later he took my Mom with dementia to a lawyer & had her amend her trust 100% to him and blocked us from further contact.

My point is that if you are doing the caregiving you should have POA or step aside & let him handle everything. I learned my lesson a little too late
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
:-(

Depending on how much effort it might take and what was at stake, I just might have contested that "amendment." If she truly had dementia, that atty should NEVER have done anything legal that she needed to sign.
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As soon as I read you and your daughter do the real work, along w the fact you have a brother* who has poa* and doesn’t do much at all with helping, I see the signs it’s not hard to see he’s how can I put this - he’s just waiting for the end, for the money.

You do not have to put up with his bulls***. He sounds like a narcisstic bully- what a jerk— has he always been this callous- he’s your daughters uncle, corrrct? And this is how he treats her? And you- for helping. Oh you need to shut that entitled bully down asap. You don’t work for him. The cameras are not there for your dads protection he enjoys being a bully what a awful person. I feel bad for your daughter - does she know what he’s said about her? I would try to have him removed as poa asap. It would be more logical and common sense anyway for you to have it since your right there and spend that much time helping him.
btw be wary of his wife, it sounds like she’s trying to stir the pot and since she accused you of stealing them I have a hunch she took them.

long story short- your brother and his wife are in this for your dads money.

He should pay you more than a nominal fee ( you didn’t say how much but it sounds like he’s using you to save as much of your dads money as possible so when the end comes there will be more for him and his gold digger wife.

If you find it hard to be assertive for yourself please think of your young daughter and what this is role modeling for her— stand up against this punk brother - ask him why he’s viewing it when your daughter is there and that makes you uncomfortable— turn it off when your daughter is there, it would make me uncomfortable as a mom if a middle age man like your brother and was spending his time watching your daughter
have him removed asap since your the one there helping it makes a lot more sense for you to have that position
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I suggest you have a talk with your brother. She is not family yet, and he is the one with financial POA. Maybe it would be easier to create a log book of when you arrive and leave. It also might be a good idea to create "an agreement" of what your duties are that get reimbursed. Also ask him that you would prefer not to be stalked or "reminded" by his future wife but deal with him directly about this situation.
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Sarah3 Sep 2021
Personally I think she needs to take a hard stance against him and shut this down ASAP,
he’s a bully just waiting for the end when moneys paid out. It’s also creepy how he put cameras there to watch her and her daughter. Creepy.

this is a example of sexist entitlement male privilege— since the op is tje one there helping she should have poa it’s common sense for her to have it, not the brother who isn’t involved w his care other than being a demanding bully
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Although it's a family matter, it sounds like you entered into an agreement pertaining to a schedule for pay. If you're supposed to be there at 3pm, then like any other job - get there on time. If you can't continue with their monitoring, then tell them so and let brother hire someone else OUTSIDE the family...it could be that future wife has someone she knows to get the pay. Then install your own camera to see what is going on inside the house. Covert camera, if you can.

If they decide to hire outside help, then your visits are only visits and you not lifting a finger to work. Just a visit w/dad.

Were the missing checks cashed? If so, tell them to find out with the bank who they were made out to and who cashed them. They can also do a police report on the checks for an investigation. Additionally, if they were NOT cashed, tell them to cancel the checks at the bank. Then no one got any of dad's money. Knowing me, if I had that conversation w/them about the checks I might have to add: If you can't figure out what to do about missing checks, it's questionable that you can handle his financial affairs.
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Sarah3 Sep 2021
The op is not an employee of her obnoxious brother. Shes helping her dad. Poa doesn’t give someone the right to place cameras it says her dad has only mild cognitive decline. She also says the brother uses the camera to view her young daughter.
I hope op takes a firm stance and no longer allows this bully to push her around so her daughter will see her mom act in a empowered manner. The more females do this male privilege will lose its hold over time. I’m sick and tired of hearing of the dynamic of a relative usually a female doing all the work and a sibling more often a brother who misuses the position to have power, and to take advantage of the goodwill of a female relative caregiver. This post is a sad example of this all too common arrangement that as females we owe to each other to shut this down in whatever ways even in small steps that we can
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Sounds like you can communicate with your brother based on your comments below. I see options.

1. Walk in, say hi to brother & turn off the camera until you leave. Dad doesn’t need monitoring if you are there. Does dad know he’s being monitored??? It’s his home & his invasion of privacy. Financial POA may have limits.
2. Negotiate a flat rate payment for the week (rate to be renegotiated if dad’s needs increase). Remote access employers don’t dictate how work is done; they only expect results.
3. Resign. And walk. If an employer improperly accuses an employee of theft (wages, items, etc), that’s not trivial.
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my2cents Sep 2021
Not true about remote employers. Many of them monitor computer 'on-time' and activity. Even flat rate employees signed up to work X number of hours a week and to be at work on time. (I'm not sure what happened to punctuality with employees, but I saw it go out the window where I worked and it was annoying for others to get there on time while others grabbed a paid fringe benefit that only they enjoyed)
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My Sister has only taken my Dad a couple times in the past 10 years . Last year I paid for all the groceries and cleaning products. I started to look to hire help in June and these people are paid $30 - $50 a hour and they do what I have been doing the past several years . No one is a nurse or CNA but personal assistants . I realized I work from 9 am - 5 pm and check on him at bedtime , move cars , pay bills , buy groceries , do laundry 🧺, cook , Doctor and dentist appointments, change bandages , entertain , get the mail , take out trash 🗑 , clean 🧽 I don’t have a life . When you realize how much energy goes into taking care of someone else and put a dollar figure on the Job I would cost $500 a week . She accused me of being in Easy street ? Yet never had spent much time with him . More boundaries are going to be made . He has gotten aggressive and belligerent and made comments like “ You get free rent “. There is nothing free about this . Most times I just want to get in my car and leave . It’s going on 10 years of dealing with him
snd he is getting weaker and more abusive . I am thinking about paying myself a salary or hiring help .
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2021
RUN, dont walk away from all this nonsense!!! You are aware the figures state that 30-35% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.
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Consider yourself lucky. My mom is 98 and insists someone be with her continuously, even though she lives with my brother & sister, who are in and out from work and other family drops in. We got someone to come in and spend time with her so that my siblings could go to work. We're all splitting the cost of this and mom doesn't appreciate anything. She only thinks of herself and calls my sister's school a lot (she is a teacher). She even called the fire department b/c she wanted a laxative. She constantly complains that her children are no good. Yet, my sister and my brother pay for all her meds, do the grocery shopping, clean the house, cook, do laundry, pay the bills and work. We are all in our sixties and 70's. My dad was a joy to be around, but mom is not. So consider yourself lucky that you are getting paid while we pay for someone to sit with her while we work to get our pensions. My sister has to sleep in the same room with her (she used to sleep on the floor) My brother sleeps on the couch in the next room b/c she wants them to be right there in case she needs them. The last few months, she's taking to crying if someone is not sitting in the chair next to her-you can't be in the other room cooking or doing laundry. She' s selfish and mean and then I get upset with myself for thinking that. She even told 5 doctors when she was in the hospital 3 years ago for a fall and they wanted her to do physical therapy for her to walk better that "my kids owe me". They looked at us and asked our ages (then 68-58 years - 7 of us) and told her that her kids were seniors and shouldn't be lifting her. She uses a walker and insists we push her in that to go to the bathroom (even though she has a wheelchair) and she digs her feet into the carpet which makes it harder to push. 4 of us already have a limp from pushing that walker. Sorry for the rant, I'm just beside myself. I used to come twice a week and spend the day with her, but I'm 71 and have health problems myself and just can't do it any longer.
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Flowerhouse1952 Sep 2021
Not site how your mom can live wroth your neither and you have to clean your brothers house? Also, a camera is a grand idea! Perhaps have your mom evaluated for dementia.
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If at some point you and your daughter will be doing more physical care for your dad and spending more time with him pls consider getting a cna certificate. You are than considered a professional and legally can be paid the legal pay rate. I learned this through a 3 year court battle with my 2 sisters as I was the only one who took care of my father 24/7 for 6 years.
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glad it seems resolved, its hard enough caring for parents without such feeling of being watched by other family. Its certainly a learning kerb when we face sharing family care. Good luck and hope your brother continues to support you in the right way, if not then tell him directly.
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Brother's "future wife" is not part of this picture, and it's time to let her know that in no uncertain terms. Your brother has POA, and if he isn't interested in handling the task, then the next successor POA should take over. The girlfriend is not on the list, I'm sure, and by law, your brother may not hand over the task to her. You might remind your brother that his power of attorney duties are no small issue, but rather a job that requires fiduciary tasks with legal consequences for mishandling.
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diofdi Sep 2021
Thank you for your input. After speaking with my brother and sister, the future SIL will be out of the picture for now. Hopefully forever. Future SIL was caring for her elderly mother. She had POA and her siblings took it away from her. Don't know what happened, but just shows that she's a troublemaker!!
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If you use Google maps on a cellphone, your Timeline will tell you exactly what time you got there and exactly what time you leave. I found this out by accident but it's incidentally reassuring to have it in case my line manager ever rips my ears off (again) about a client visit from three weeks back that I happen not to remember in every detail.

Anyhoooo... this is the trouble when you are doing something out of the kindness of your heart that however costs you real money so it is agreed informally that you should be compensated more by way of appreciation than real pay but then somebody goes all accountant-y on you and fur is rubbed up the wrong way all round. Either your brother or your SIL is being what my son would call by a very vulgar name indeed so I don't want to repeat it; but you are NOT hired labour and you ought not to tolerate this nonsense for another microsecond.

You're going to have to talk to your brother about it.

The security camera is fine as long as it doesn't bother your Dad. Have you considered mooning your SIL?
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diofdi Sep 2021
Thanks. Meeting with my brother to discuss and to remove the intrusive camera.
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Wow. Pretty bold, huh?
Have you discussed this with your brother? This should be an in person meeting between you and him, and she is not to attend. You may want to do this in the attorney’s office, if you had one draw up the POA, just to remove some of the emotions from it and to have a mediator/ witness to help establish boundaries and expectations. I would say that he is complicit in this, so he bears some blame as well. Call some homecare services and get price quotes for comparable work. If you can’t set boundaries as to what’s acceptable then he should handle scheduling and engaging aides ( and finding coverage when they cancel). Then you can revert back to visiting socially with your dad. I know you help him out of love, but the lack of trust and understanding about caregiving doesn’t bode well.
If the care you are providing is task oriented ( ie, laundry is done once a week) then take a weekly lump sum for services provided, not a clock-in, clock-out hourly rate.
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You are being treated terribly. Where is your brother in all this?
Ignore future sister in law and only speak with your brother. Ask your brother where the missing checks are. After all he is the financial POA. If you do not get paid quit and have him hire what ever your Dad needs.
I think I would cover the camera up when I was there just to upset her!
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Santalynn Sep 2021
The 'missing checks' seem suspicious to me...of the future SIL! She may have just taken them, voided them, to set up this accusing tone with you; notify the bank, get the bank involved in a simple way to protect yourself. And get all your pay agreements in writing. Glad to hear you're cutting SIL out of the situation, so that brother has to be straight with you. (And covering the camera is a great idea, do it playfully to 'get her goat'!)
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