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I am 64 years old and having been living with her for seven years after my husband passed away and left me in debt. She doesn't drive but expects me to get her out at least three times a week even though she is on a walker and can barely stand for five minutes without having to sit down. She is able to do little things around the house but refuses to because she thinks she is the center of the universe and everyone, especially me should cater to her every whim. I have brought up the subject of an Assisted Living arrangement which would certainly give me my life back and mentioned she would have other people her age to talk to. Her answer to that was " The only way I'm leaving this house is in a body bag!!" How do you react to that??? I am so stressed, depressed, angry and cannot sleep through the night anymore because of her constant nagging the demands she puts on me.

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Why don't you move out? If she is independent - no reason for you to stay. Sometimes that will force the issue. You too deserve to have a life.
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What I found with my own parents I had enabled them to continue on with their own lifestyle while needing to change my own. If only I would have known about this forum seven years ago, I would have done soooo many things differently.

My parents [who were in their 90's] had stopped driving but expected me to pick up where they had left off. No problem.... until I found out they liked getting out of the house 3 times a day. Kinda hard for me to do while I was working full-time, so that meant I had use to all of my vacations days, sick days, and days without pay. Eventually I had to tell them only Saturday afternoon, and only one grocery store, not 3 or 4 because one store had a sale on soup, another a sale on ice cream, etc.

Another thing happens, you once again become "the child" and your Mom "the parent" and what she says goes. They are in denial that you, yourself, are a senior citizen with your own age decline, aches and pains. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP card in front of my parents didn't change their thinking.

My Mom also refused senior living as she felt she and Dad could still manage on their own... she died trying to prove herself right. Dad quickly moved into senior living and loves being there. The house was too much work for him.

Have Mom visit some of the Assisted Living places... I know, easier said then done... many offer free lunch and a tour, they understand how stubborn an elder can be, so the Staff will fuss over your Mom... and will fuss over her even after she moves in :)

If Mom says again "The only way I'm leaving this house is in a body bag!!", ask her what color would she like that bag :P
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What you seem to have forgotten is that this situation is in your control. She can decide that she won't leave the house except in a body bag...but you have the ability to choose not to be her caregiver. If she wants to stay at home, that's fine...she needs to hire help in order to do so. I think you may be so deep in this situation that you don't see that you don't have to be her caregiver. You did this in the beginning probably because it helped you financially and she was much healthier. Things have changed. You cannot do this alone any more. So her options are, hire help, or go to a facility. You being the 24-7 caregiver is off the table.

No is a complete sentence.

Angel
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I've seen it said here and have personally experienced it - seems many of our elderly loved ones with dementia - and some without, get to a point where all they care about is their own existence and what you must do to facilitate and enhance it - keep it as they want it - "independence" at any cost - to you! They either can't see or don't care how it is effecting you and the toll it's taking. If this is sounding familar, the only one who is going to save you - is you.
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Thank all of you for your input and one thing I forgot to mention is that in her will she has me as the primary beneficiary and executor. That being said, she also told me that IF she was forced to go into Assisted Living, she would write me out of her will COMPLETELY!!! I am living off my late husband's Social Security now and honestly cannot afford to live on my own without her financial support.
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fregflyer, I have to say you put a smile on my face with your comment about asking my mother what color body bag she would like!!! I still have a sense of humor which she hasn't killed yet. The next time we get into an argument, I might just ask her that!
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Is the inheritance worth your peace of mind and health?
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Just a thought on the inheritance....she is likely past the point of competence and any lawyer worth his salt would not change her will with her deteriorated capability. This may make you more sure of your decision. Let her try to change her will, you can challenge it.

Angel
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I might try to hang in there as long as possible. Maybe, she will grow a little more mellow with age. If she is incompetent or becomes incompetent as Angelkw says, she won't be able to change the Will. A red flag goes up with the Courts when a person who is very old changes their Will disinheriting the natural heirs.
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greekgal, I am in much the same position. I know the answer is not so simple, because we feel a big sense of responsibility. That is not a bad thing. There is a job that needs to be done and we're the one doing it.

My mother in her late years has turned totally narcissistic. She has lost sight of needs I might have because they aren't relevant to her. I've lived with her for 6.5 years now and know what I'm dealing with. If I were to drop dead tomorrow, her only thought would be "Who's going to care for me now?" Like your mother, my mother is determined to live here until she dies. I know my mother well enough to know she would fight going into AL or a NH. She would stay in her house until something catastrophic happened.

Life here would be more simple if I just did anything she wanted me to do. The trouble is that she is never satisfied, so there is always one more thing I need to do to make her that way. Trying to make her happy is like a dog chasing its tail. Even if it catches it for a moment, it lets the tail go. A person will either be happy or not. Doing one more thing for them makes no difference. I've learned to say No a lot and that makes my mother unhappy. She then acts like I'm a rebellious teenager, instead of a 64-year-old woman. The only way I can stay sane in this situation is to set those limits on what I will do for her. I know that I always have the option of walking away. But I also know that would make a mess.

The way I handle my own mother is staying in another room of the house. I'm available if needed, but I don't have to be pulled into her misery. If I am in the same room for more than five minutes, she starts with a list of things to be done that don't need to be. I feel guilty like I'm neglecting her, but I know that keeping my distance is the only way I can stay. Going for long walks and to the local senior center to exercise and chat with people helps, too. And getting on AC to talk about things is priceless.

You actually hold the high card because you can leave at any time. But we don't actually need to win. The best solution is one where each of you benefit the most. I have a feeling from what you wrote that you already know this. You just have to find a way to work through the problems.
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After I wrote this I realized that many elders with dementia begin thinking of their family caregivers as domestic employees instead of their children. When they talk about leaving something in the will, it is like saying that they'll pay us for our time if they don't spend it first. :-)
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JessieBelle, It was actually scary to read your comments which are exactly the things I am going through. I do stay upstairs most of the day when I am not running errands, only going downstairs to cook or wash clothes. If I do feel guilty about not spending time with her, she does give me a list of things that SHE thinks need to be taken care of ASAP! or complains about her aches, pains and wondering why none of her friends calls or visits anymore. Guess they realized a long time ago how demanding she was and how often she used them to get what she wanted. Such a lonely, bitter, resentful woman who use to be loving and giving. I just hope this arrangement doesn't go on for much longer or I'll be the one in Assisted Living.
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Busyme, Yes the inheritance is most important to me. Without it, I would not have enough to live on.
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They will drive you crazy. We've been dealing with one of her obsessions lately. She thinks the neighbor's water is coming off his house into our yard. She sees water everywhere, though no one else can figure what she is seeing. We had a company put in a ground drain -- something we needed done -- and also did some necessary work on the house. These things were good. I also built a big flower bed that "blocked the water" coming from most of our neighbor's yard. So now she's located another problem -- one of our downspouts. She is digging a trench to drain it right. (Roll eyes) She wants me to go buy an ax or call one of our workers so she can cut a big root that is in her trench. NO! Enough is enough. She yells at me that she's not crazy. I so much want to tell her "Yes, you are," but I can't say anything. I do know that if we tackled that root, then we would need to do something else on the other side. It is never ending... and there is no problem except the one she is creating in her mind. She also wants to put up a garden liner separating our yard from the neighbors. That would confuse the neighbors and would make for a lot of difficulty for both them and us when mowing. It would have to be edged.

It can get crazy. Whenever I say No, she forgets all that has been done and starts yelling about how I never listen to her. We talk on the group about having a helmet so we don't hurt ourselves when we bump our heads on the wall.
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Momsboy - since you have no actual knowledge of what our mothers did and didn't to while we were growing up - your criticism is out of line. Shame on you.
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Oweee! That was me slapping the side of my head. Ashlynne, you did mean your own head, right?
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Moms are NOT all alike and not ALL are unselfish as they should be. Mine has been a controlling factor in my life..all my life and I moved away just to get away from her control. If I could have managed on my own after my husband died and left me in major debt, believe me, I would have. This arrangement was forced on me.
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My mom lives in a house WE own in Florida. Just a few blocks from the ocean and very nice. She does nothing but complain about the house, the neighborhood, etc. When we are there it is a constant list of improvements we need to make to get the house to where she wants it. We quickly learned that no matter how many of her requests we fulfill; there is an even longer list waiting. Some of them are ridiculous. Like she wants a walk in tub....why? She needs a screen door on the front door. We have learned to say that if she wants anything else, she is going to have to contribute. I am dreading the day that we move down there because I know it will be nonstop complaining and demanding.
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I have a father and a mother in a assisted living at this time. My mother is non-amatory and has had four strokes including a brain bleed and is unable to take care of herself. My father is now starting to push the issue of getting out and living on their own. He was just released from A mental hospital for an evaluation due to his violent outburst. I am finding that as their power of attorney I have no legal right to force them to stay. I have handled the finances for over 10 years now and I'm feeling like throwing the towel in. Where he is staying they are trying really hard to work with him. I am afraid that he will get kicked out and I will not allow him to live in my home he is too violent for my children. Any suggestions?
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I truly can sympathize with anyone caring for an aged parent. I too am doing the same. She threatens, throws things, refuses to eat, won't open the window because she doesn't want to "breathe air" because she wants to die......
I am 64 taking care of her. She wouldn't have done this for anyone at the age of 64, but expects so much from me. Patience is all I can answer. I'm still stuck in my situation and I agree........just ignore and walk away to another room. It's a very difficult time for me but there really is no answer. Good luck to all!! Just remember you are not alone.
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I am in a similar situation and kind of stuck because I will inherit the home - but not if I am not living in it ( if they have to go into a nursing home). I don't own a house myself. I also have bad health and my parents do, like JessieBelle's, treat me like an employee. EVERY little thing requires my attention. My aunt says that they are spoiled. The only way that I got them to agree to put some money in a bank account ( which is maybe $100 a month for all the care) was to tell them that if they thought so little of me that they could simply get another caregiver.
My mother fusses to high heaven if I don't jump and drive her to the store at the drop of a hat (and she can barely walk) She told me that my sibling - the GOOD child - would do it, so I relayed the message and let her go with the good child to get her makeup ( she buys new lipstick every other week - and then leaves the top off so it melts) The good child did not enjoy the trip, but seems to be able to placate her better than I can. When you only deal with someone about two hours a week, it's a lot easier to have patience. I mentioned that perhaps she should move in with them, and that was not acceptable. In other words, the good child would have a different lifestyle , than they are accustomed to, why not just let ME deal with all the crap. My wants and needs do not matter.

The only way to get her into assisted living is to walk out. My father has said the same thing about being 'carried out' of the house, even though it is killing me trying to simply maintain it. One of my aunts hated her son until her dying day because he put her into a nursing home. His marriage was on the rocks because of his mother. It's sad that you have to hit people over the head to get some common sense and courtesy out of them. Especially when they are related to you.
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Creek07....how is your father, with his history, and your non-ambulatory mother going to find other arrangements? and how are they going to pay for all this? Your mother will need a lot of care. Do your parents have a ton of money? I suppose if they're still in their right minds, they can do as they please, but frankly I can't see any landlord jumping at the chance to take them in as renters. I see disaster ahead. You would end up calling Adult Protective. DO NOT TAKE THEM IN! If things go to sheet, they went into this in their right minds, so let them fall on their faces, so to speak. But I would be very surprised if this was not a lot of huffing and puffing and hot air.
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greekgal60 How much of an inheritance will you get? If the house is in her name and she does end up having to go on Medical, the state might come after the house to pay for her care. if you can work, maybe you need to find a job and move out. Have you talked to an attorney or financial planner? Are you SURE you will get anything? I am concerned you will hang in there at the expense of your physical and mental health only to find at the end you get nothing. if you do not have a job or are unable to get one, you probably qualify for some type of public assistance. What would your mother do if you have a heart attack or stroke and have to go to assisted living yourself? Do you qualify for social security from your late husband? I know of several very nice places in my area that take you in for what you can afford. There is a waiting list In most of them, get yourself on a list. It would do you a world of good to know you are taking positive steps to get out of that situation.
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OOPs, I meant Medicaid not medical. I think I am going to nap now.
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Even if your mother called an attorney and said "I want to disinherit her" - who is going to drive her to that office? (And they aren't dummies, they know if ancient clients have dementia, if they show up raving about legal things, they won't do anything.) Do you have poa? Call up an attorney and discuss the situation, might be well worth going in and paying for a session.
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Why can't she go into a Nursing Home? That will lift the burden from you!
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You'll have to read the whole question and all the answers, Llama.
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My mother kept changing the beneficiary to the life insurance - not that there was much, mind you - not even enough to pay for the funeral - but the last time she got mad at my sister and wanted my SS# for beneficiary, I refused to give it to her. I simply got tired of her playing games every time she was upset with someone. Even if she'd left an inheritance, I wasn't going to argue with my brothers and sisters about any of it. I didn't want anything, even though I ended up being the one that was there for her the last 3 years of her life.
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It makes me sad and then glad to see so many other people with similar situations. I don't feel so alone, but it makes me realize that getting old just makes a person bitter, needy and confrontational. I know they hate to lose their independence and rely on another person for the little things that they use to be able to handle and didn't give much thought to. Now I see that even having a sensible conversation takes such a toll on me and I know now that you other caregivers have it much worse that I do. God Bless us all!! We definitely need all the prayers for strength and peace of mind that we can get!!!
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Jessie: I got the gist of the conversation. Thank you.
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