Follow
Share

I am two hours away. Mom is wheelchair bound, cannot walk or use left side of her body. Caregiver (privately hired) leaves at 1, comes back at 6. Dad will go out for his appointment or errands for hours. Leaves doors unlocked. Family members have reported on many occasions of finding her alone, sometimes on her side and unable to get up. Dad thinks everything is fine, will not allow a caregiving agency to come in and give her more care.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
It may not actually be abuse but it is certainly neglect. At least if she can't use the phone she should have an emergency alert button so she can summon help if needed.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

My acid test for situations like this is always "what happens if there is a fire and no one else is there?". Can she get out herself? It sounds as though the answer is no. So, she's not safe. You need to get her out of there, for your piece of mind and her safety.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

My mother had one. She fell and lay and waited for hours until my brother came home and found her on the floor. When I asked why she didn't use the mediAlert she said she knew the ambulance would take her to the closest ER which she knew was worse than lying on the floor waiting for my brother. She was right. In mid to late 90's everyone knows that if they take you to the ER no one will say they made a mistake EXCEPT for the patient themself and anyone who had ever had proper medical care as opposed to the local ER. There are worse things than lying on the floor. Having said that it still seems wrong for it to be a regular occurrence. It happened to my mom once and she wasn't hurt. Just couldn't get up. But you can have it set up that the responders would call your dad first and then another family member before taking her in to an ER. IF they will cooperate. You have to pace yourself and you have to watch out for both of them. It's a fine balance that never stops moving.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

So...

You want it established and agreed that your mother cannot be left alone in the house?

Who are the "family members" and how many of them are there? Enough to establish an afternoon rota? Enough to gang up on your father and refuse to take his no for an answer?

Also, importantly, what does your mother think of the situation? If she wants caregivers there, then it's really simple - you hire caregivers for her, on her say-so. If not, or if she's unable to express a view, then perhaps you need to ask Dad to explain how he reconciles her being found tipped onto her side with "everything" being "fine."

But in any case, I'm not sure how levelling allegations of elder abuse at him is going to help.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Is your father resisting help because he is afraid that the "help" will merge into a complete takeover of their lives, do you think? Some professionals are better than others at reassuring service users that help means help, just that, and not unwarranted interference of the sort that many elders do dread. Talk to a few of them, and see if you can find one whom your father might find persuasive and reassuring, perhaps.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You say that there is a privately hired caregiver. Dad will allow that person in-- can you find another who can be there for the hours that mom is currently Alone?

I agree with CM, you need to find out what dad is thinking will happen if a needs assessment is done.

My uncle resisted inhome help for my aunt for years, fearing she'd be " taken away from him". It took a horrendous fall, her with a broken hip, being dragged around on a throw rug by my demented uncle for three days before a family member stopped by and horrified, called 911. Uncle tried to prevent EMS from taking her to the hospital.

I hope that you can come up with some sort of plan, and soon. Yes, there ARE things worse than just lying on the floor for a few hours.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You know you need to be in your Dad's shoes before you or anyone else on this forum makes a judgement against him. I am in a similar situation as my husband had a stroke in 2013 rendering him right side paralyzed and then another in 2016 making him worse physically and mentally. All he wants to do is sleep. He has a Foley bag for urination so he doesn't need to wheel around to the bathroom much anymore. He never talks to me and just lays on the couch to watch TV. I do everything: cook, clean, do finances, arrange for the outside care of the house, take him to the doctors, pick up his meds, distribute his 12 meds to him throughout the day, help him shower, pick him off the shower bench to help him transfer ( he can transfer from the wheelchair to couch, bed and toilet by himself, etc, etc). This has been my life for almost four years with no family help except for help once in a blue moon from a son who has overwhelming family issues as well. We don't qualify for financial help even thou we lost 60% of our income when my husband lost his two jobs. So if we 'desire' to eat or he needs meds, I have to leave him for 30-40 minutes to pick these up. A sole caregiver is a very hard job and there is very little time or sympathy for us. We cancel our own doctors appointments to care for our loved ones and sometimes go 'stir crazy' from staying inside all day, every day for months and years. We do this for our loved ones. We cannot afford $10,000 a month in a nursing home, nor does he want to go into one at age 63. We have no assists but our home and a thirteen year old car. So there are not people willing to help some of us when the chips are down. So don't judge your Dad, please. He is doing the best he can do, and so am I. I make sure my husband is safe if I have to run out, but am home with him giving him my heart and soul ( and health too) every day. You know that caregivers of a chronically ill spouse die before the spouse ( usually from autoimmune diseases caused by stress) - no one seems to make sure they are being taken care of.
If you are that concerned, then maybe you can arrange to take care of your Mom while he is out doing the necessities of life. I'm sure he would be most grateful- I know I would.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You have to protect your mother! What does she say about her situation? Can she speak? It may or may not be considered abuse but how would he like it if he had to lay on his side for hours while waiting for her to wonder by? Tell him you find it unacceptable. Will those family members sit with her while he does his errands? I know it's not easy. My husband turned his dad in for elder abuse because he disagreed with his mothers lack of care. A social worker visited but that was about it. They both had dementia. FIL enjoyed the visit. It's a difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Mabe your dad is to tired and elderly for a job like caregiver. It's a very hard job for younger adult children. Many are going to support groups.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Unless she can call for help in an emergency, can get herself food and drink when she is hungry and thirsty, and can work a remote or do something to occupy her time while she is in bed, trust your gut feeling that this is not OK. Now just using a wheelchair does not mean you can't be home alone, it is really more the judgement and problem solving that matters, but if she can't turn herself in bed it is beyond unhealthy and unsafe. Mom is not going to complain any louder than she already has - she has already told you she wants help and frankly her request has been stomped on. Did she ever have rehabilitation for her stroke? Talk to a social worker, talk to someone at your Area Agency on Aging, realize that you are going to need to take over in some capacity. You might have to go as far as picking her up and getting her admitted somewhere either for rehab or for long-term care.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter