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The brother and wife does not want to take care of Dad. They do not want him to live with them. I am on a caregiver burnout as I have been taken care of Mom, first, who passed on and now, Dad for past 9 years. I live with my Dad in last 9 years. I am 62 and retired, financially stressed, emotionally and mentally tired and felt like a load of responsibilities has been placed on my shoulders while my only sibling and wife enjoy their lifestyle, vacations and doing whatever they want to do in life for the past 9 years. Dad is well off financially and can afford caregiver but the sibling does not want to have to fork out Dad's retirement pay for caregiver. Dad got lost one day and things got changed to where I was forced by my brother and his wife who gave me orders like I was a slave or a person doing a job in my Dad's home. Dad has short term memory loss and is getting worse week by week. A part of me understands what they are doing to me but the other part of me wants freedom from responsibilities. I am considering moving out so that I can regain my life back, my sanity and freedom to do what I have putting off doing since 2007. I have given up my job, my social life and became a recluse as a live body to my Dad. As much as I loved my parents and gave my life to them for what they have given me in life, I felt like that I have paid my dues and want to move on in my life while I am still able to do them. I have also started my own small business to compensate for my retirement in the hope of regaining my financial freedom to leave the house. I will be on a Conference tour in May/June and have already given my brother and his wife heads up with my change of life activities. Then, my brother and his wife will have to decide what to do with Dad as they live just a block from where Dad lives. His wife does not work and stays home while he works full time. I have given them written suggestions of a caregiver or home care for Dad to give me time off from him. But, they have not responded back with any information on it. I am requesting a sound advise to handle these problems at hand.

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The first question is: who manages Dad's money? If it's you, then you don't have to give any weight to what your brother wants or doesn't want done with it. You need respite. Your brother can't be forced to step up and quite likely won't do it. Why can't you arrange respite for yourself?

Yes you have paid your dues, and then some. Just the same, you can't force or obligate your brother to do an equal amount, or anything for that matter. You need to create your own exit without his help. Thankfully your father has money. Hire a caregiver to stay with him or start looking at assisted living facilities. Keep your brother informed but don't let him interfere. Take your life back. You've done more than enough.
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You have every right to move on. Give written notice to the POA exactly what date you are leaving. Stick to it. The POA is legally responsible to see to his care.
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Neither your brother or his wife can "force" you into caring for your father.

You've started to separate yourself from this toxic situation - that's a good start, so continue with your plans. Separate yourself from your brother and SIL.

I don't understand what the alternative actions threats are? How is it that you know you've been threatened but they're not telling you the basis of the threats. It sounds to me as if this is some intense level of bullying.

You can probably expect your brother and SIL to escalate their attacks against you now that you've advised them you can't care for your father. You might even want to consider getting a PPO (injunction) against them if they become threatening or hostile.

But remember, you're in charge of your life - your brother is not, and he has no legal authority whatsoever to force you into slave labor. The Emancipation Proclamation legally freed slaves from that abhorrent practice; don't let your brother resurrect it.
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Step 1. Continue to develop your financial independence (get a job, grow your business)

Step 2. Find a place you can afford to live

Step 3. Give proper notice to POA

Step 4. Leave

That is it.
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Unless I'm missing something here, the OP never said that there is a POA. If there's no POA, or if the OP is the POA, then the situation is more complicated.
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If you have POA I would do what needs to be done and leave your brother out of it. He obviously has no desire to deal with it himself.
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She says Bro does not want to use dad's money , so that makes me think he has financial control. Good for you for giving them the dates you will be gone.. now stick to that and refuse any conversations that question that. I agree it's time for you to have some life. Good luck, and good advice above!
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In answer to CarlaCB's question of who manages my Dad's money? My brother's wife. From what I have gathered, I guess the abbreviated POA means Power of Attorney. My brother's wife has Power of Medical. I think that my brother has POA. I have no say in my beloved Dad's situation other than just being there for him. I have always let them know what is happening with Dad's health. My brother's wife is very much a controller (she admitted this fact to me years ago) and my brother allows her to be the one to take care of everything to the point of using the psychological means to persuade family members and others to do what she thought is best for them to her advantage. Not good. From what I have read in the above responses, I am on the right path and following the right way of presenting the suggestions to them of providing the caregiver for Dad. My gratitude for your valuable time to respond to my request...CarlaCB, pamstegma, GardenArtist, Mom2Mom, caring2 and pamzimmrrt.
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Unfortunately, I suspect your brother as POA doesn't want to see "his precious inheritance" spent on hiring care for dad if he can get it for free from you. What a jerk. Consider that you sort of have the upper hand. You can walk out that door & leave brother/sister in law to scramble. Don't be afraid to hold THAT over THEIR heads. They have all the legal obligation. If nothing -- that's a tool to negotiate your exit strategy. Once you have your own nest set up - you're done. In the meantime - you'll stay, but they can start paying you for what you do going forward. Either way, they're going to have to dip into the coffers. If they push-back, advise them you'll go ahead & leave, but will call Adult Protection Services on your way out the door to report their neglect. The alternative, if you have a place to go where you can work some while you launch your plan, there's no shame in just leaving now. I struggle with the same thing - worrying about my own future by continuing to do what I do, but am "trapped" by the circumstances & not someone "forcing me" to continue. I hope some of these things can help you feel empowered enough to stand up for yourself.
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Is it safe for your dad to be left alone in the home? I'd consult with an attorney to see what your legal obligation is as a family member who has been living in the home and providing care. Even though, you gave notice to POA, if he doesn't respond by arranging alternate care, and you walk out, what if any legal duty do you have? I'd get a legal opinion.
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Having read Your post Adona62 it breaks My Heart to learn Your Brother would treat You like this. It sounds to Me like He's pressurising You into Caring for Your Dad 24/7 without any help from Him. I agree with HeatherB67, Your Brother wants You to do all the hard work Caring for Your Dad so that He can pick up all of Your Dads inheritance.
I know You adored Your Mom, and Your Dad also because You have given Your Life to Your Parents out of sheer love, and They were so Blessed to have You as Their Daughter. My advice is apply for two weeks Restbite Care for Your Dad, and when Your Dad is in Restbite Care organise three shifts of Caregivers through a Professional Caring Agencd to come in every day to Care for Your Dad, while You step back from Caring and persue Your own business. Do not leave Your Dads home so You can not be accused of walking out on Your Dad, and do not break Your claim. Good Luck Adona62, please come back when ever You need to let of steam, and do let Us know how You get on.
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Dear Adona--I think you need to quit this situation--but you must PLAN your exit. I agree with Johnjoe. Do not just "walk out" as you will be the one accused of abandoning your dad. Contact local Commission on Aging--there should at least be a state office. Discuss your needs and ask for information on how to solve your dilemma on a permanent basis. Your local public library will have contact information and may know of other local resources for information and services.
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I agree. It's time for brother to take over. His wife can take care of Dad while ur away. Tell them it's time to consider in home care on an AL. You have done ur time. Call ur Office of the Aging and ask if someone can check on Dad to make sure brother is doing what he needs to.
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Has your dad been declared incompetent? If not and he is still able to make his own decisions, you can inform dad that you need help and that he needs to make you his POA so that you can get the help you and he need. Your profile doesn't mention dementia. I'm assuming he is still driving as you said he got lost one day. All it takes is a trip to dads attorney. If you don't want the responsibility, then proceed as you've planned. It sounds like you are doing the visits to the dr etc. You can discuss dads cognitive ability with the doctor before you make changes. If you are the POA for financial and medical you can hire your own help, continue to live in your dads home and build your business. I certainly understand if you are too tired to take this on but visit with the dr and the attorney and protect yourself AND your dad even if it's about nine years late. Write again and let us know how it's going.
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I like the recommendation that you seek legal advice. Send Bro the bill.
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Use your boundaries! You don't need anyone to give you permission to live your life.

Worst case scenario, your obligation is to get Dad care ,not to actually do the caring/Caregiving yourself. So, you can report your brother and sil to APS (adult protective services) for financial exploitation or abuse for not hiring the caregivers he needs.  Require an accounting of his funds.   Make sure APS understands you must stop being the only caregiver.
Another idea, the key may lie in that moment when Dad goes to ER, and you inform them he cannot go home alone because you won't be there. Plan your escape-even if it is a hotel down the street.   Be sure to change your mailing address now, as if you no longer live there.
Sad, tough love can kinda make one shaky deep inside, somewhere between the heart and the stomach, and, can affect one's sleep with worry.
Understand that words, (of lack of words from your brother) are meaningless without action.  Hot air, maybe lies.  Stop talking to them, unless you want to be knocked off-center.

Are you still in denial? After all I have said?  Waiting for you to take care of business.......
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January 24, 2017, To everyone who have responded here...my apologies for not responding back as quickly as I can due to responsibilities lately with my Dad. I will do my best to answer what I have given thought of in last couple of weeks.

1. After reading the sound advices given by all who answered my question, I honestly felt better in the decision that I have made last weekend. It took courage to stand up for myself especially in front of my overly controller sister-in-law and the enabler, brother, and gave them my notice of moving out after Dad's 90th birthday in April 2017. I also researched the caregiver locations here nearby Dad's house for them to look through at their leisure. Although, my sister-in-law rather have her best girlfriend's caregiver that she can trust to care for Dad, if need be.

We have yet to finalize anything at the moment in regard to Dad's care due to my brother's back surgery that has occurred today and will be out of commission for a few days. It is only appropriate that I wait until he recovers from his surgery and back on his feet before I continue with the discussion of Dad's care.

By the way, before I did any of the above actions, I spent time alone with Dad while he is alert and sharp in his mind to see if he is okay with the change in my leave of his presence. He was and is okay with my leave but he feels like he will be all alone in his home...no live body in the house. I told him that his son and wife lives a block away. I also told him that we will make sure that he has someone to talk to and visit him in his home. I have already brought up this subject to my brother and sister in law several times in the last few years. I have always updated them with what is going on with Dad.

Dad still drives to his country club for breakfast and dinner, goes to his bank and nearby stores within 5 minutes distance. He does not travel long distance, by any means. He stays near home.

2. I have already been in contact with a long time trusted friend whom I have known since 1995 about the possibility of finding a place together as roommates to share in the financial responsibilities of the home. We have been roommates before and it worked out several years ago. We can do it again.

3. Financially, being retired and on Social Security, my small online business has just started and are doing well with it. It will help me to regain my financial footing, so to speak, quickly and get my life back on track.

4. My brother is the POA. My sister in law has the Medical Power and her name is on Dad's account. I am just living here to care for Dad. I have no power, so to speak. As to attorney, I cannot afford an attorney. I will not stoop low to their level of power. I will rise above them by following all of the necessary protocols and leave Dad in their capable hands. When I have the funds, if need be, I will hire an attorney. I just do not want to make it any difficult than it already is especially for Dad.

5. According to the doctors, Dad does not have dementia or Alzheimer's. It just the slowing down process due to age. He has short term memory loss but his long term memory is fine. He cannot remember what we talked about from one minute to the next minute due to short term loss. I usually write on sticking note as reminders to him of things that we talked about. Otherwise, he is fine for an almost 90 year old man.

Well, it is getting late. My brain is slowing down and cannot think clearly. It is time for me to get to bed. Again, thank you for the listening ear and sound advice. It really does help me understand that I did the best that I can do under these circumstances and follow the right protocol of action to take in removing myself in order to regain my life back..one step at a time, one day at a time, one action at a time until all is fulfill to the best of my ability.

Also, from what I have read in caregiver's struggles, I certainly do not want to die before my aging parent does. I still have a life to live and want to be able to enjoy what remaining time that I do have with my grandchildren and other things that I have put off since 2007. As much as I love my Dad, it is time for my brother and his wife to step up to the plate, face Dad on a daily basis and make their decision on his care. They have had their chance to live life fully (ie. travelled extensively every year, take weekend vacations, do things they wanted to do freely, etc) while I stayed with Dad with very little income, no vacations, and cannot see my young grandchildren who lives out of town. It sounds like that I am complaining...but I really am not complaining...just stating the facts in realism of it all. I gave it all up to care for Dad and Mom when she was alive years ago. Furthermore, Dad cannot handle little grandchildren so my children do not bring them around us at all in the last few years. I had to accept the fact that this is life in this very home that I live in with him.

What I did not realize is that after I had experienced the emotional and mental toll with Dad and my family over the years, my life has been drained of energy. Rather the family is aware of this or not, I am acutely aware of it. Dad, blessed his heart, is not aware that he is draining my energy as fast as I can replenish it. I get drained pretty fast. It is not his fault. He just does not know that he is doing this to me. It is another reason why I need to take care of my declining health by leaving here and regain my health back so that I can live for my grandchildren and make a new life for myself.

My apologies for rambling on. I hope that what I have gone through may comfort another caregiver here. We are not alone in this experience. We are here for each other, comfort each other, advise each other, uplift each other and give hope to one another in the most challenging time of our lives. Peace to all.
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I would consult an attorney and if you dad is still in a good enough frame of mind consider having him appoint you as his primary POA. A current one would void the previous one. Also the attorney could help with Medical directive, access to medical records. Also I went with my mother to Social Security Office and became her Representative Payee so I can handle all her affairs with them.
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I would consult an attorney and if your dad is still in a good enough frame of mind have Dad appoint you as POA, which may void any previous one. An attorney can also help with medical directive and access to medical records. I also went with my mother to Social Security office and was appointed her Representative Payee so I can handle all her business with them for her. (She has Alzheimer's and we did this before it became too advanced).
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The OP has chosen to move out and has given enough notice that her brother çan set up care. The POA and Medical are already established I see no reason for he to have it. Brother lives close by and should have it. It's time for her to live her life and there is responsibility in having POAs.

Good luck and enjoy those grandbabies.
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Adona, thank you for the update. I hope your brother is better by now. I am excited for you that you have your fathers blessing so to speak on your future plans. That you have a good friend to share expenses with. That you have a new business venture to develop and that you are at peace with your decision. I wish you much success and many happy moments with your grands. Don't forget us here on agingcare.com and let us know about life on the other side.
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