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Her children took turns caring for her until it became impossible. She is defiant and cannot care for herself.

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It sounds as though she needs to be in a secure memory care unit. sometimes they are within nursing homes and at times with Assisted Living facilities.

Secure simply means that there is locked door at the entrance to that part of the facility. One needs a special passcode to get out. There is someone nearby watching that entrance. It's not a jail, but it IS secure.

Also, there are sometimes meds that can calm the agitation that causes dementia patients to want to escape. Have her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist for that.
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There are also anklets and wheelchairs that temporarily lock the door to the outside and sound an alarm so that a staff member guides them back to the proper area. (This is in an assisted living facility.)
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When my cousin began trying to get into cars in the parking lot, her doctor wrote an order that she needed Secure Memory Care. I transferred her immediately.
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Oh, I might also look as to whether she has the ability to leave the nursing home. If she can't walk or wheel in a chair, then no matter what she says, she has no way to leave, unless she can convince someone to come and get her. My cousin was wheelchair bound, but still able to get into the parking lot, so that posed a danger.
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I recently had to place my mother in a secure memory care facility. After trying an assisted living community that wasn't secure for 5 days, I had to move her. She continued to try to leave to take care of her children. After working with psych, and starting seroquel and depokote, she has settled in nicely. She occasionally tries to leave but is easily distracted. Of course, she says she works there and goes home every night. I never imagined she would ever adjust in this environment. She is more social than she has been in years. It was a very difficult 5 years getting to this point. So happy she is content and safe!
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Sounds like my mom. She tried to climb fences anything to try to get out. It was a matter of tye docs figuring out the right combination of meds to calm her. She will still try to escape at times but not as frequently. When she becomes unmanageable the memory care facility will require she be moved because she would be a danger to nerself and others. Then the only two options would be a psychiatric unit or a nursing home that would drug her to the point of compliance. I do not know what that would mean, but for my mom probably bed bound but not with a restraint system, which would be the last resort.
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Each nursing home has a locked dementia unit. The doors are locked, so she cannot get out. Most try, but they will not succeed.
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BlindFaith - your BIL as her DPOA needs to take the lead on this. You have no real standing to request anything, no matter how much you love her. You can ask him to go to the care plan meeting with him. Personally i think its good to have a friend or fellow family member to go as often it can be overwhelming if family is not health care environment savvy.
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This is really on the shoulders of the care facility. You/she are paying a lot of money to insure her safety. I think you need to remember that this facility works for YOU and your MIL. Safety of their clients should be paramount. You can be a little bit pushy about this, if needs be. at 95, she's likely not that mobile, but still could come to harm if she wandered away. Isn't there a bell that goes off? A warning sign someone has breached the security? I can't imagine the worry of wondering everyday if mom has taken off or not.
Good luck--and if this place is not listening to you or seems to not care--move her.
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Thanks for the replies! We are scheduling a meeting with the facility,
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