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On 12/20/2023 my 84 year old mother had a large stroke with onset atrial fibrillation. The stroke left right side paralysis but she was moving the left side. A few days after the stroke she had bleeding on the brain after which we noticed that she wasn’t moving her left side anymore.
She seems to be in a coma like state, she’s not responding just eyes open from time to time. The doctors said there’s nothing more they can do. The day before the stroke my mother was at bingo and lived independently. I decided end of life care with hospice but find myself going back over if I made the right decision? My mother didn’t want help even if she needed help, you would have to help her anyway. She rarely called for anything and was active in church, went to stores and got around pretty good. She didn’t have advanced wishes in place so I based my decision on how she lived her life.

Yes, you did.
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
Thank you.
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Given your famliarity with your Mom and seeing the aftereffects of the stroke and consulting with doctors... you made the best possible decision given the circumstances and available information.

Do not feel guilty. Feel grief, but not guilt. I'm so sorry for your loss. May you receive peace in your heart and be comforted by memories of your time with her.
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
Thank you so much this is helpful.
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Oh, you did. From how you described your mom, you actually have HONORED her and her life.

May God hold you close as you walk this road with her.
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
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You absolutely did! I'm 87 and have my EOL wishes down in writing but, if I didn't, I would want my family to do exactly what you did. Exactly. There's a HUGE difference between living and existing. It's probably obvious which one I'd vote for.
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
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blberry, May The Lord give you comfort, strength and peace during this difficult time. Your decision to honor your mother's life by choosing to let nature takes its course is a gift beyond measure. Medicine today can keep a body alive when it should not be kept alive. You have made a terribly difficult decision that truly is a blessing for your mom.

We should all be so blessed at our end of life that we are living and loving and then we are quickly gone. May The Lord give you grieving mercies, and comfort in your heart to KNOW that you made the most compassionate choice for her. Great big warm hug!
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
God bless you 🙏🏽.
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The situation is extremely familiar to me. My mother had a brain bleed stroke, minutes after being just fine and having an ordinary day living an independent life. She looked at my dad and said she didn’t feel well and boom, it all changed. She slept a deep, coma like sleep afterwards for 3 weeks. The difference was our family had multiple doctors, including the best neurologist in the area, telling us there was great hope of recovery. This was prior to easy access to an internet and quickly being able to do research. We were told she needed a feeding tube to get her over the time before she could begin therapy to get back to normal, so in went the tube. After 3 weeks, she woke and was transferred to rehab. She had lost every physical ability but was mentally completely intact. She worked valiantly in therapy for months to no avail. Even the therapists were tearful when they told us that therapy had to be discontinued for lack of documentable progress. It was and remains the cruelest thing I’ve ever witnessed. My mother lived for four years in a body that would do literally nothing. How she did it, I will never know. I have no doubt of her misery. Her care was intense, a two person assist for everything. There was no “plug to pull” and as she was fully cognizant and aware, there certainly wasn’t anyone who was going to remove her feeding tube. Given the situation you’re facing, and knowing what I saw with my mom, no doubt both my mom and I, along with our whole family, would choose the gift of letting her go. You have made the compassionate and selfless choice and your mother is blessed to have you there to do so. There is no room for guilt, just gratitude for the life she’s lived. I truly wish you both peace
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
Thank you for sharing this information.
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Yes. I can only wish that the two of you had discussed things so you would/could be more certain in your own mind. I am an old nurse, so at 81 you can imagine my 61 year old daughter has heard all of my wishes in this regard most thoroughly. And she would be certain that what YOU have done is exactly what I would wish. To live a good life, and then go so quickly and without struggle, without dementia, without loss upon loss upon loss.
Yes, in my humble opinion you have made the most loving, most strong, best decision on earth for your mother. My condolences. There would be no coming back from this to anything that is any quality of life.
Bless you for your strength in honoring what you know is right for your dear mom. She'll always be with you; I guarantee it.
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
Yes I wish we had that discussion. You have some family that disagree but they are not looking at this as I am. I am going to encourage my family to make sure they have their wishes outlined and notarized. Thank you so much.
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I'm sure you made the right choice. There is no coming back from something of this magnitude at her age.

I've taken care of a stroke victim at home. There was hospitalization, then rehab, then coming home. Caregiving under those circumstances is extremely difficult. Progress is made in tiny increments. Brain tissue's been lost. Memory is affected. Personality changes. What they don't tell you while you're going through all of the work to get back to normal is the follow-on issues of a stroke. For instance, six months later, muscle contracture and pain. That alone is pretty awful, and then they hit you with, "Well, you could have surgery for that." Really? In arms, legs, ankles, who knows where else? And while that's going on, if the patient can walk, they're falling down, usually. More injury. And the depression. It settles in on the victim and often requires medication, which the patient might not want to take because their personality is no longer normal, and then you have another chronic issue for which they might self-medicate. Think alcohol.

What I'm saying is that there's a lot more to stroke than you've probably been told. Don't second-guess yourself at all. The day before her stroke, mom was happy. That's a wonderful thing.

If it were me, and maybe it will be someday, I would want my daughter to do exactly as you did. And for her to have no regrets.

Sending blessings to you.
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
I was told this could and would more than likely happen. I don’t believe my mom would have wanted any of this. I know this is a process and I am feeling every step but God will see me through. Thank you so much.
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You have definitely made the right decision. Sorry for your mom being in such a bad way. She's had a long life and was healthy and active until the stroke which is pretty lucky at her age. My dad had a stroke at 73 and the the next day we told them to remove all interventions since he had only brain stem activity. Not easy but it's the right thing to do. Be confident that you are doing the right thing. You will be beginning the grieving process so be easy on yourself.
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
Thank you so much 🙏🏽.
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You made the right decision.
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
Thank you.
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You are doing right by your mom.
Sorry for your impending loss .
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blberry Jan 7, 2024
Thank you, I appreciate it.
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Since the doctors said there is nothing more medically that can be done for your mom, what other choice is there but hiring hospice to keep her comfortable? Hospice is not going to kill her......her heart will stop beating when the time is right. If she's meant to live longer and heal, she will. Only God knows when it's time for us to pass, so this decision isn't really in your hands but in His. That's how I thought of it when I hired hospice for my parents.

All the best to you at this difficult time.
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blberry Jan 8, 2024
Thank you, your words of encouragement really touched me.
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Please don’t question your decision.

You know your mother and the way that she lived her life. You absolutely made the correct decision.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult journey.
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blberry Jan 8, 2024
Thank you so much.
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you made the right decision.

if they tell you they will give you 5 days respite relief.. make sure you do your homework on the facility…
Do csll the facility to find out how residents are on board, how many residents to room, how many caregivers in morning, afternoon snd evening. How far away is it from your home?
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blberry Jan 8, 2024
Thank you and you’re correct I researched all of the above.
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You may need to hire a private caregiver a couple days while you settle into the new routine…
I’m still trying to settle in our new routine…
it’s hard.
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blberry Jan 8, 2024
It is so hard, thank you.
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You are doing the right thing. There is nothing more that can be done medically and enrolling her in hospice is the right thing to do. I wish you peace as you walk this final journey with your mother.
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blberry Jan 8, 2024
Thank you 🙏🏽
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Echoing the others here, yes, you did the right thing. How wonderful that your mom was able to be so active until this stroke happened.

I guess a stroke is the thing I fear the most as I saw what a stroke did to my mother. Her life was saved but she did not have the life she was used to after her stroke. I lost the mother I knew four years before her body finally gave up. Mom was on hospice for three years. One of the saddest things I ever heard from mom was, "Why didn't you let me die? I just want to die."

Your mom had a wonderful life, it sounds like it was very full. Now she will have a peaceful homegoing to the other side. That's probably the best last gift you can give your mom. Grief, not guilt, should be your companion over the coming days and weeks.
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blberry Jan 8, 2024
yes, my mothers mother also suffered a stroke. Thank you for your kind words.
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