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In March my dad got diagnosed with esophageal cancer. He has went down hill fast. My step mom is his “care taker”, but I don’t feel like she is doing a good job. Here’s why.


He has went through chemo and can barely walk to the bathroom alone. He is super constipated and hasn’t used the bathroom in days. They initially gave him morphine for pain. He has a feeding tube. He had an allergic reaction to the morphine. His lips were swollen. He tried to tell her that and she complains that she couldn’t tell it was happening. She fusses at him and screams at him if he asks her for anything, a towel etc. when feeding him through his tube she pushes the food or medicine as fast as she can. My dad just sits there and cries all day. And she yells at him for it. The doctor gave him different pain medicine, but it doesn’t seem strong enough. He can’t work and she refuses to work. He asked me to help him sign up for disability etc. but she refuses to give me the paper work that I need. She made the comment the other day that she was going to have my sister come sit with him so she could sleep. But she didn’t cause she was worried she would give him extra pain medicine. He has finished chemo. My step mom packed him up in the car the other day and they drove to North Carolina. She didn’t ask his doctors if he could or not. He gets sick and ends up in the hospital there. She never called me. I found out about it on Facebook. Then I call her to see what they said and she acts like it’s nothing. She literally laughs and acts like it’s completely fine. He had kidney surgery the other day and they put a stent in. He bled at lot today and she laughed at it when I called. We can’t talk to him, nothing. She is also living off “donations” people are giving her. She laughed yesterday cause some woman sent her $200. I can’t handle this. The kidney doctor came back by to see him today and she told me he didn’t tell her anything. I don’t know what to. I have to watch what I say or do because she won’t let me see him if it makes her mad. Please help!

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She must be dad's POA? Is dad competent? He can change POA if he is, but then the POA is only valid if dad is incapacitated.

Maybe dad wanted to go to NC. Maybe there are no restrictions on travel. Even without POA you can call the doc to tell what is going on. Doc will not tell you what is up with dad without him signing a HIPPA release. But, if what you tell him is alarming, doc could very well call APS.

Pain meds will cause constipation. But it sounds like he needs a softener and maybe a trip to the er. Is he on hospice?
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Akeel8815 Jul 2021
No he was worried about going. He made me write down the addresses to hospitals in the area with phone numbers. She said he cried the whole way there and that she felt like killing him.
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Akeel,
Your step-mom could be suffering from sleep deprivation.

"She made the comment the other day that she was going to have my sister come sit with him so she could sleep."

Why is it that you could not have sat with your Dad?
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Akeel8815 Jul 2021
She was afraid that we would give him extra pain medicine when he is hurting. He just sits and cries all day and night. He also can’t speak for himself. He is completely dependent on someone 24/7.
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If Dad can speak for himself, he can choose how & who will care for him.

It must be very hard to watch or hear from the sidelines. A heartbreaking time. Where not much is in your control.

The worst situation is when family members fight over caring. Take opposing sides, wrestle for control or micro-manage. You certainly don't want that to be your Dad's memories of his family.

Keeping Dad centre to his own care is key.
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Call Adult Protective Services. Is dad on hospice?
Call an elder law attorney, see nelf.org, file for emergency guardianship?
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2021
gladimhere,

Definitely call APS. That's a start because the step-mother has become a danger to the father now.
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Akeel,
It is good that you have answered what other caregivers have asked.
You can get help with your question the more information you can give.

Can you tell us your Dad's age? It will help with the disability part of your question. If you are in the U.S., at age 65, Social Security benefits are no longer called disability.

In the meantime, maybe cooperating and supporting Stepmom in the things she does right will help her trust you. When morphine is involved, it is best that other family members do not administer it without permission from the primary caregiver. She should be locking it up maybe.

"Crying all day and night." "He also cannot speak for himself".
Has your Dad also had a stroke?
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You also mention that Stepmom laughs at serious issues. That is a concern. You may be dealing with a burnt out caregiver, not herself at this time.

Sometimes just being there with her and your Dad (in a non-judgmental way), things will evolve that you can be of help, and even stepmom will ask you.

What is her health like, is she needing care? Asking because she needs to be competent to care for your Dad.

They must have health insurance. What income other than donations do they have? How are they managing financially with this devastating illness your father has?

Are there other family, or step-family involved?
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2021
Sendhelp,

Whether or not the step-mother is burned out from caregiving she is a safety hazard and a danger to the father now and that has to stop.
There's not a lot Akeel can do legally. Akeel can communicate with all of the father's doctors and tell them what's going on, and with APS, and even the police if it comes to it.
The step-mother doesn't have caregiver burnout. I know first hand how burnout can devastate a person's life because I went through it.
The caregiver who actually cares steps back and gets away from it before they start taking it out on the care recipient. She'd be accepting offers of help. She wouldn't be isolating her husband from his family or being so secretive about things like the disability paperwork.
Akeel mentions that the step-mother refuses to work. Maybe she stands to inherit nicely when her husband dies, and it sure looks to me like she's doing her best to make that happen sooner rather than later.
Things like putting a cancer patient who recently finished chemo in the car and driving to another state. Or laughing it off when there's post-op bleeding from a surgery. Yet she's worried about giving him too much pain meds. Sure, because over-dosing someone could get back to her if a death is investigated.
The step-mother's problems or feelings aren't the priority here. She's become a danger to the person she's caregiver too and has to be stopped.
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You can petition for Guardianship.
I think the first step in doing that though would be to contact APS and have them do a "well being check" and you can express your concerns.
But short of getting Guardianship your Step Mom is the one that makes decisions for your dad. That is unless she is found to be putting him in danger, abusing him or other cause that APS might find.
I see in one of your comments to a post that "she said she felt like killing him" this should be reported IMMEDIATELY to APS
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AT1234 Jul 2021
Exactly. Sometimes the filing itself clears the field as they say, especially if there’s a abuse going on.
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Akeel8815,

She said he cried the whole way to NC and she felt like killing him.
Based on everything you've said, every arrow points to the outcome of that's exactly what she's trying to do.
I know your father is sick. Cancer is a horrific and terrifying disease, but is he still competent? Is he still able to communicate competently and coherently? If so, call APS and have them come out and talk to him.
In the meantime, you and your sister are his daughters. One of you stays with your father in the house 24 hours a day from now on or until he's strong enough to do for himself. Do you have other siblings too? If so, then they have to step up as well. Your step-mother can't throw any of you out if he wants you there.
Apply for the family leave act too. A person can take up to four months off of work to care for a sick family member.
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Yes he may be competent but he is sick at the mercy of a spouse who seems to be abusing him. I say APS too but if he doesn't admit to them that he is being abused, then they won't do a thing.

Your Dad needs to be in a Nursing home at this point because your SM is not capable of giving him the care he needs. You need to get his doctor involved saying she is not giving him the care he needs. The only thing is the NH will be private pay. You say Dad works. I think for Medicaid he needs to be 65. Either she has to leave the home or he does.

Can you take him in? If you work, maybe get family leave or take time off. Call Hospice in?
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gladimhere Jul 2021
Medicaid can be at any age and is dependent on income. Medicare starts around age 66, full retirement, and it depends on work history.
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I'm not taking SM's part in this, but I do know a lot of people, who, when overstressed, laugh instead of 'moan and groan'. It seems very offputting, but it happens. They are aware that their reaction isn't appropriate, but it's a coping mechanism.

I'd call APS and tell them all this. They can minimally do a wellness check. Let dad know they are coming, but not SM so she can't pretty things up. Let APS make a call here.

What ages are we talking about? That makes a quite a lot of difference.

To expect someone to go to work FT while they are also FT caring for a very sick individual is asking a lot.

What is family willing/able to do? SM sounds like a real pill, but maybe she is totally burned out. That exhibits itself in many ways--and not doing a good job caregiving is one of them. Maybe she SHOULD go to work and turnover dad's CG to others.
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Your Dad’s Wife sounds burnt out & overwhelmed. You can’t blame her if he’s not walking. He’s probably too weak. Maybe she thought a change of scenery would help him. I would back off a bit & just say to her to call you if she needs help…like if she needs to go on errands…you can stay with him a couple of hours. Hugs 🤗
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If your father works, the disability he is talking about may through work. I would call his place of work and ask if the provide "Longterm Disability". If so its just a matter of filling out the paperwork and they do the rest. Now if where he works does not supply LTD then go to the State webpage and download the forms.

If he is trying for Social Security Disability, this will take a while. Doesn't happen overnight. You can get those forms from Social Services. They may be able to help.

If you can, maybe bring Dad to your house. He needs a break from his wife. If you work, maybe take Family leave. If he is willing to come with you, she cannot do anything. Tell him they both need a break.
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To answer your question, "Do I have any rights over my Dad's health, even if he is married?"....

No, you do not have any rights over your Dad's health at this time.

I understand how difficult this may be for you, watching what you say or do because Stepmom won't let you see him if you make her mad.

You and your Dad have the rights to associate as family. I suggest you go by his instructions, keep going over there. Call APS when you see him being abused. (Screaming and yelling at a patient is emotional abuse).

How does your sister view the situation? Are you both in agreement that Dad is being abused or neglected?
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You don't have any rights at all, no. But your Dad does, and they seem to be being ignored.

Report this catalog of abuses and neglect to APS for the locality where your father is now. Highlight to them that your father withheld information from the kidney doctor, so that they can take extra care to interview him sensitively. If your father is still in hospital, you might find a social work team there - just ask at reception if there is anyone you can talk to about adult welfare concerns.
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SM could be laughing because she is nervous, my mother has a tendency to do that - and I used to - I had to train myself not to laugh when nervous. This is not in defense of SM since I have no knowledge of her.

If you are concerned about dad's safety call APS to have them do wellness check.

If you feel SM is danger to dad, then look into filing for guardianship.

Good luck.
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No you do not have any rights over your Dad's health. If he is cognizant and is able to communicate with is doctors, he is the one to tell what he wants and/or what is happening in his life style. If he is not cognizant whoever holds the Medical proxy that HE gave them has rights over his health. If he did not issue a medical power of attorney, and is not cognizant then his legal relationship with his wife trumps anyone else.
You could attempt to gain guardianship of your Dad but this is an expensive process and will put you in direct conflict with his wife.
If you feel he is being abused or neglected, check with the Adult Protective Service Dept of the state in which he is located; in most instances you can remain anonymous but be prepared that most of those Dept are painfully understaffed and unless the situation is dire (no food, no shelter of any kind, showing visible signs or abuse, beating, starvation) there may be little they can do.
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Chellyfla Jul 2021
I’m afraid I have to agree with this perspective. APS may come and investigate, but I doubt they will take any action unless your father volunteers that she is abusing him and asks to be removed from her care. In this case, it’s his medical disability that is the trigger. I still think it’s worth doing to put your stepmother on notice and I see no point in making an anonymous complaint. If you are ready to go to war with your stepmother, do it in the open, but don’t expect much help from the state. You can complain over and over again as long as you are doing it in good faith, documenting each new instance of abuse or lack of access each time you make a report. The investigators will have to return to the home each time you call unless you report the same incidents over and over again. At the same time, you must ask yourself whether you are ready and willing to take care of him until he recovers sufficiently, or long term if the stepmother exits the scene permanently.

You can also tell your stepmother before you call APS that you are going to do so if she does not comply with a specific list of your family’s wishes; then be prepared to document and make a formal complaint if she does not comply. This may all cause your stepmother to dig in her heels, but, at this point, you seem to have nothing to lose other than the specter of your stepmother treating your father even worse than she is already doing and APS taking your stepmother’s word that she is providing good care. Sometimes APS investigators are biased and make unfounded assumptions about the motivation of reporters without thoroughly investigating the details of each reported maltreatment and contacting all sources of collateral information. It happens all the time.

I’d also contact your father's treating physicians and let them know your stepmother is abusing your father so that they can be alert to signs of it when he comes in for appointments. Physicians and healthcare providers are mandated reporters and may call APS themselves after you report the maltreatments to them. Hearsay and second party knowledge is usually accepted at abuse hotlines when a professional reports it.
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I think it’s about time you stood up to this bully report her for neglect as this behaviour is not acceptable sometimes you need to be more assertive and strong and don’t allow her to get away with this cruelty it’s the only way as she obviously thinks she can get away with this
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Go see an Elder care attorney. you may have some rights depending on his will and other documents that may or may not be in effect.
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gladimhere Jul 2021
Will does not give rights. Is not at all a consideration in this issue.
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Domestic violence is not restricted to acts of hitting or punching, but can be psychological and exploitive "Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, among others."

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

Here is a link where you can call for help.
https://www.thehotline.org

Department of Justice link
https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence

The only way to secure legal guardianship is through the court system, but the matter needs to be investigated. Please go to the https://www.thehotline.org
link, and talk to somebody, and you can call anytime, any day. They are open 24/7.
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Contact Elder Services to report Elder Abuse and Elder at Risk. They will not reveal who made the report although she will probably guess. Despite HIPPA, contact his physicians to alert them. They cannot share info with you, but you can give them this data. As others have suggested, contact an elder care attorney. If he is admitted to the hospital, get social work involved that he is not safe to return to home under her care.

I would not stand up to her or confront her as I believe your father will bear the brunt of her wrath and you will be shut out. It's time for outside intervention to help him as he does not seem able to do it himself.

Sending you all the strength and care that you will need for this battle.
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First, understand that laughing (like anger and crying) is how some people cope especially when they are scare and upset. It is generally NOT a signal that the person is not taking the situation seriously. (See, Nervous Laughing, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nervous_laughter

As to decision-making, A person can designate anyone the Power of Health Care Attorney; In the absence of a POHCA, state law generally designates who can make decisions - general line of authority is spouse, adult children, parents.

If you think she is making dangerous decisions for your father, you should see an attorney and seek to get the legal authority to make decisions.

If you think she is abusing your father contact the elder abuse system in your state.
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Reminds me of Kasem V Kasem.

Listen to Bitter Blood: Kasem V Kasem by AYR Media on Audible. https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B096KX1HVZ&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006

His daughter helped implement some laws to help families so this wouldn’t happen, “Kasem founded the Kasem Cares Foundation to establish and fight for the rights to have visitation and reasonable access to an ailing parent, especially when under the care and control of an uncooperative spouse or sibling.”
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You may want to call Adult Protective Services and report your concerns and have them investigate whether or not your Dad is getting proper care from his wife.
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You have described elder abuse, a form of domestic abuse. Call Adult Protective Services or the police wherever they are. Give them your name and phone number. Also, talk to other family members and devise a plan to care for your dad when he is removed from her care.
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Your narrative is alarming and upsetting - so many questions. Who has POA? Who is his Health Care Proxy? Try to speak directly to his doctors to get real information on his condition and to voice your concerns about his current care. You're not getting the full picture from your stepmom or your Dad.
Please contact an elder care attorney and get legal advice without delay. You can get ideas here but we are not professionals. Go with your sister and find out what your next steps should be.

In the meantime, can you somehow try to be-friend this shrew and get inside that house alone with your Dad to find out what he really wants? Perhaps tell her you know she is under so much stress being a caretaker and you want to help by giving her a few hours off to do something for herself while you watch Dad. Pay for a massage for her. Earn her trust so you can eventually get in there to access the situation and/or to get papers signed.

As a last resort, surprise barge-in visit with your sister and demand to speak to your Dad alone. If she refuses tell her you will call the police and file a report. Then do it! I know this sounds extreme but I'm sitting here putting myself in your shoes and I know I would go at a person like this full guns - though I admit this is probably the least wise option.

The key here is WHAT DOES YOUR FATHER WANT, who does he want to care for him and most of all is he willing to go against his wife? Just know that any action you choose hinges on the consent of your Dad if he is mentally competent.

I wish you all the best in this heart-breaking situation.
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report her for elder abuse and file for guardianship or whatever it takes. do you have POA of any type? get in touch with elder attorney and start filing charges, but ask first if you can take your dad for a ride? if she says yes......take him to your place or somewhere so that he will be safe. i sure wish you luck
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I would not even read the last paragraph. Oh my please call Elder Protective Services immediately. She should NEVER be caring for your dad. I feel so sorry for your dear dad. Get on this immediately and get him out to a safe place! Just read the remainder of your post. I hope you try to get POA for your dad. Did his doctor recommend Hospice? The constipation and pain issue needs to be addressed immediately. My heart goes out to your dad and hope a solution to this awful problem gets addressed ASAP. Please update us when you get a chance.
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I would record her on your phone for proof . Then you need to get an elder abuse lawyer what she is doing is against the law she’s a criminal . Don’t give up . If people are donating to her to abuse your father they will
donate to you to save him . But you must get proof . Some states it’s against the law to record their voice but not tape them . So find out what’s legal in your state . Also there’s tiny security cameras you can hide in his room that will provide the proof you need . If your father still has control over his mind I would have him sign over his power of attorney to you . Other wise I’m afraid your hands are tied . She could even keep you from seeing him this is a very complicated situation . I know what I would do if it were my dad . She wouldn’t be able to talk or walk . So no problem . I hope this helps god he with him and you prayers fir you both 🙏🙏🙏🙏
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cweissp Jul 2021
sorry removed comment
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You need serious LEGAL advice. Start with a local attorney in your area.
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Your father's wishes are the ones you need to listen to, not your step mother! She has no right to say you can not speak to your father.

You can ask your father what he would like and ask him how you can help. If your step mother doesn't give you papers to fill out ...get them yourself. You can usually find the paperwork online. You can get power of attorney for health care for the times when your dad can not speak for himself.

If your father and step mother need financial assistance, look into something like IRIS which helps provide for elderly and disabled people. It is the best program we have around her right now because it allows the person to decide what they want (not the government). If he needs things for his home to help in his care they can help with the funding. He can also select who he wants for in home care. It could be his wife, children, friends, or anyone he chooses. He can have multiple care givers. So it could be a combination of all of the above. This would help them financially and also give your step-mother a break.

Be careful with some who are suggesting you call Elder Protective Services so quickly. They may try to pull him from his home and throw him in a place far worse. Talk to your father first. You may be able to resolve this without going to drastic measures.
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