Whenever my father comes to my home, he finds something to criticize me for. Yesterday, it was my dog. He often says he too big and that I do not wlak him enough. He is suppose to be big because he is a large breed dog. Then he started asking about my dogs feet. He said it looked like something was on the back of his foot. I tried to explain that all dogs feet are made like that. I know this all sounds crazy. I do realize that as a person ages, their thinking changes but he has always been like this. He finds something to criticize me about. It is to the point that I get nervous when he pulls in the driveway. I'm tired of waking up in the morning with thoughts of what he has said on my mind. As stated in my original post, my childhood was not a happy one and I think I'm suffering from PTSD from it because I often have flashbacks of what he has said over the years which was demeaning things to me. Now, I'm the sole caregiver. I do not mind helping but it about to get more than I can handle as I stated previous. I have to take him to a doctors appointment tomorrow. I also have a job interview. I could have gone tomorrow which I would have liked to but we go to the doctor tomorrow. It would be nice to have someone to delegate tasks to. If I return to work full time, we have to have help.
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Hopefully I didn't already share this link w you 😂 bc my memory isn't what it used to be.
I have found that ptsd is real from all this kind of abuse. It's none of your father's business what type of dog you have or how big he gets, either. A running dialogue of his opinions about YOUR life is not welcome. So how do you avoid That? You strictly limit your contact with the toxic human. You set the boundaries down, as explained to you in previous posts. This won't change. YOU have to tell HIM what you'll accept and what you won't, otherwise HE makes the rules.
Decide how much you'll do for him, what day a week you'll do it, etc, and then go about putting the plan in place. If dad doesn't like it, back away entirely and do nothing for him at all. It's a privilege what you're giving him, not an entitlement.
Good luck establishing your boundaries with the man.
I was her caregiver but at a distance, worked in my job till I was 73, only visited her where she lived (5 hrs drive away) a few times a year. She had home help and then finally moved into facility care. I made it very clear to her that I could not do any hands on care.
Even seeing mother a few times a year for few hours and often having a friend with me, was very stressful.
As much as you can, get others to help him. Cut contact to a minimum. You don't need any more of that criticism and negativity. It's brought you down far enough. Time to put you and your needs first. ((((((hugs)))) you have a lot of healing to do. Put that as a priority. I have seen counsellors off and on all my life.
But guess what? You don't have to stick around and tolerate him anymore. That is your choice. Remember that. If you choose to stick around and tolerate his nonsense that is on you, and you have nothing to complain about as you made your choice.
So I hope that you will come to the realization that you deserve SO much better and that you owe your father nothing.....as in NOTHING!
And I hope that you will put yourself and your mental health before your undeserving father.
Sadly, this pattern -- especially if a life long pattern from your childhood as it sounds -- will NOT change. No matter how much you say do not do it, be respectful when you speak, if you retaliate back with equally abusive responses -- such as saying "F***off" as some have suggested -- it will only likely get worse as he ages, looses more control with aging and becomes more bitter.
My mom went from general criticism to outright rage, lashing out at me every time I called or went to see her after being place in a nursing home. This behavior was since my childhood, got much worse as she aged and then it went full on rage when in the nursing home.
I am an only child, and was trying to do the one on one care for her in my house; and just having to enter her room in the morning to check on her would raise my blood pressure to the max as I knew instead of a "Good morning, lovely day" type comments it would be the beginning of another day of direct verbal assault at me: the coffee is cold, the eggs are runny (I had to make an bring her all her meal in her room); my TV shows are not one because of the terrible cable service you have in your house; my room is too hot because you are too cheap to run the air conditioning at the correct temp. (she lived expense free in my home, for years); my cloths are not folded properly, the bathroom is not clean enough, you are a terrible housekeeper (I had to do all her laundry and clean her room, bathroom, etc); stop mumbling I cannot hear you, you always mumble (she refused hearing aides and had 70%+ hearing loss in both ears). It was the same when I was a kid.
I finally choose to go no contact about two years ago. I still am her POA and medical agent, so I interact with the nursing home staff, her physicians, handle the Medicaid paperwork as needed, her taxes, etc. But after a particularly bad outburst, her saying on Mother's Day, "the worst day of her life was having me;" I had enough.
She is getting the care she needs and I am working on healing. You might wanted to consider working with a great therapist to unpack all of this and to work on your own healing. It is worth doing this work and focusing on you, your healing and moving forward as there is no changing them. You can only make changes in yourself; how you react to them/their outbursts of criticism. That might be less contact or no contact. It might be strategies to let it go as best you can if you choose to remain in contact. It might be telling them, no critical comments and they must be respectful if they do not moderate their behavior be prepared to walk away in the moment or tell them they have to leave your home then and there; say no visits for a week, then 2, then 4 (double it) if they do this, speak critically. If he can make any adjustment, you'll know then. If he says you are too sensitive, say that is verbal abuse and you need to leave now, open the door and show him out. Set your boundaries and be ready to enforce them.
Good luck w/this, hugs. This is how he has chosen to handle his frustration with life -- put it on you -- and now you have a choice to make as to what you want, what you will put up with or not and what you can do to heal.
You may want to lessen your duties to your parent because of your job duties. Don't have him calling you at work worrying you with a bunch of nonsense since you will be learning a new job. Your livelihood and your well being will become your first priority since you need to save for your retirement. Don't let someone else's poor retirement planning affect your well being.
As for the criticism, learn the grey rock method. Put as little input into the criticism and practice a technique called deliberate ignoring or learning to detach emotionally from these critical attacks. It is more about him and how he was raised. Don't take this personally.
You need to stick up for yourself. And please, do not move in with him or him with you. If he needs help because ur working, he pays for it or he goes into an AL if he can afford it. Make it clear you will not be caring for him. Also, make sure u set boundaries concerning work. No calls unless an emergency. I so hope he does not have keys to ur house. If he does, take them away or change the locks. Tell him what ur willing and not willing to do once your working. My one rule would be...no stopping over. He must call because after working all day u may not be in the mood for company. And he should not expect you weekends to be his.
YOU ARE IN CONTROL! 😊
You assume that he is a reasonable person who, asking a favor from someone, realizes that he needs to explain what he needs and why.
Your father's assumption is different. He assumes that you are a servant whose job is to perform as ordered with no questions.
I don't think that's how you want to be viewed.
Do you think there is ANY chance that, if you explained to your dad in a calm moment that the way he treats you is disrespectful and demeaning and that you don't want to be treated like this any longer, that he would listen and try to change?
If yes, then give it a shot.
If not, then going no contact is your best path to mental health.
your question is:
does anyone else deal with parents who often look for things to criticize?
yes.
OP,
there are about 4,875,914,709,173,057,401,298,039,182,038 million daughters, in the past and present, out there in your situation (most people who take care of elderly parents, abusive or not abusive, are women).
your father will never stop.
and you feeling anxious about future criticisms, is totally normal. and that won't stop either, because your father will never stop criticizing.
by the way, please choose a nice partner (husband).
women who were abused, often (unintentionally, unknowingly) choose husbands who are abusive. that's because you don't know what a good, non-abusive person looks and sounds like, and what actors sound like.
there is only 1 way OP, and that is less contact.
i personally don't recommend no contact, but that's up to every person. every abusive case is different.
in order to be able to have the freedom of less contact, you need to hire caregivers. i hope your father has money.
It seems to me he wants to handle it himself. He is competent. It is healthy for him to handle his own affairs, including doctors appointments.
He said he needs to go to the doctor this week. A possible answer is something like neutral like "Ok," and change the subject so you don't get involved in helping or upsetting him.
You are a nervous wreck according to your own account. It is better then to back off and let him do as much as he can for himself.
I know it is very hard when a parent is so critical and always had been. My only solution was to back away and let mother get home help which minimized the contact I had with her.
You might want to look up enmeshed and codependency. Melody Beattie is a good author re codependency.
When we grow up in a dysfunctional home we often become enmeshed with our parent(s) and develop codependency. This can be unlearned and new healthier ways learned. I wish you all the best in getting a job and a healthier relationship with your father and a less anxious stressed life.
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