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I am the ex-wife of a 91 year old man who has mild dementia. He had been evicted by both a Board and Care facility and an Assisted Living facility. He was homeless and his children want no responsibility so I took him in. I am 85 and not in great health and find that I can no longer care for him. He is very controlling and argumentative and refuses to wear his hearing aid. He will not wear disposable underwear and expects me to throw his poopy pants in my washer which I won’t do. I got him a plastic basin and soap and showed him how to pre-wash his pants prior to going into the washer. Thank goodness he does this. He is on SS and does not make enough to pay for AL. Will Medicare help pay? I tried VA unsuccessfully. I am exhausted!

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Medicare. NO. Try your state's Medicaid program.
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JustGwen Sep 2023
Thanks I will do that.
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Call APS (Adult Protection Services) and tell them your situation. You cannot care for him any longer. You need someone to take over his care and be his guardian. Make sure you tell them ur age. Make sure they hear EX husband.

You are not the only person who has taken in an X and regretted it. They are an X for a reason. His AL facility should have called APS telling them that he had no one to care for him. APS would have had to do something. He is passed the help of AL, he will be placed in LTC.
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He would need to apply for Medicaid, not ordinary Medicare which is for his medical expenses. Medicaid will help with Nursing Home, but rarely with ALF which are mostly private and self pay. He needs to get a social worker involved. I am sorry you took him into your home as this complicates things a lot. I think Geaton, below my response, has the best suggestions for you. Your local council on aging may direct you toward social services to help. And you should represent it as she said "a homeless man you took in to prevent his being on the streets".
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It sounds like he might qualify for Medicaid. Does he have any assets? I was told my mom could get some Medicare assistance if her assets were less than $40,000. Other than that, people have to spend down all their assets and then Medicaid will pay for a full time nursing home. YOU shouldn’t be paying for anything. Sorry you’re in such a difficult situation.
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No, Medicare doesn't pay for AL.

Most states' Medicaid programs will only cover LTC, which is assessed as medically needed by a physician. LTC means someone is bed-bound or has a profound illness that requires a lot of medical care that compromises their ability to carry out their ADLs.

If I were in your situation, I'd contact social services. Let them know he is a vulnerable adult who you recently took in because he was homeless but he has mild dementia and you don't have legal authority to help him (PoA) nor are you able or willing to. They will eventually acquire guardianship of him and then take over his care needs.

In the interim, throw out all his actual underwear and only provide him disposable briefs.

If he gets agitated about anything, call 911 and let them know he has dementia and you feel threatened by him. If he goes to the ER do not go with him and do not go pick him up and bring him back to your house. Tell the hospital staff he is an "unsafe discharge" and ask to talk to a social worker. They can hopefully discharge him directly into a facility -- maybe. But it will be important to tell any authority that he "recently" moved in with you because he was homeless. You don't want anyone thinking your home is his legal residence since this will complicate getting him out of your house and they will assume you're his caregiver.
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