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So for years my mother, 63 now, has struggled with working with Lupus for 30 years, which has taken a toll on her body. But unknown to a teenage me at the time, she used pain medicine to help with her arthritis and injuries resulting from her Lupus and joints. After a second knee replacement, she developed a wound they grew between her anus and pubis. She struggled to get help, work from home and balance it all. But slowly more and more she had to use pain medicine to control the pain. Her IBS, a result of Lupus, only makes it worse as it aggravates the wound. Her work ended up terminated her after her return to the job after short term disability. She worked for a year being told she could work from home but they never accommodated her disability and long story short was fired shortly before the pandemic began. After an horrifying journey to get her short term then long term disability, now I struggle to make sure her CObra doesn’t expire after the 18th month.


now the real problem. She has overdosed on her pain meds before. One time she almost died with kidney failure l. If I didn’t check on her before I left for work, that would be it. After a fall last year, she was able to get homecare nurses.


but I have had to use narcan on her several times since. If I bring it up to the nurses or her doctor, she might lose the only help that she has right now. I myself have went beyond my limits. Gave up socializing pretty much before the pandemic to try and help. I pay most things as she has crazy hospital bills. And I am not rich.


whwn I confront her or try to help or even give the narcan, she gets upset and blames me. She claims it was her other medicine and tries to hide what happened. From me, her doctor and nurses for fear of losing what help she has.


so I am at my wits end and a loss. What do I do?


I can call her doctors office or confront one of her nurses and explain. But then will I be left with a mother suffering in more pain without the pills she relies on to relieve her pain and symptoms? Lupus is already a harsh diseases. Add an injured back, disabilitating wound, replaced knees and it’s just too much. ER gives her a pain shot, looks at her wound and sends her home and takes 300 bucks. Ambulances when I have had to call can cost 700-1400 WITH her insurance. Hospitals charge 4-5k a night. IF they keep her as COVID has destroyed what help that would give her.


I feel like my life has ended and I been forced into a position that I am not qualified for. Work 50 hours week and struggle to find time for myself away from home, which feels like a prison now.


I am her son, but I am not a caregiver. I try to do what I can, but it has broken me.


am I wrong for giving narcan? From something she claims she didn’t take? Even with managing her pills I feel she hides and takes them all at once for a stronger effect. It she yells at me saying I am


always accusing her.



I am the only son and she has been alienated from the family, for this specific reason as I found out.

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"For Narcan, the last few times she needed it, the hospital showed me and told me to do it if this happened again, as last time her kidneys nearly failed from last of oxygen. And then the ambulance called said the same thing, as COVID was highly active the. and they didn’t want to bring to the ER."

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You say your mom has OD's numerous times, and the only - the ONLY - advice you got from the hospital/EMT's was "this is how and when you administer Narcan"???!!!???

Has your mother ever been admitted into a drug program? How about a detox center? Psychiatric unit? Has this ever even been offered to you/her as an option?

My poor friend - your mom is an addict. It doesn't make her a demon; it doesn't make her a bad person. She has been abusing her pain meds; I have no doubt of the pain she has been in, and now it has become a downward spiral. And you, you poor soul, are now the one left holding the proverbial bag.

You need to contact your mother's primary PCP - or whichever doctor is prescribing all of these painkillers - and tell them EVERYTHING you have told us here - the non-healing wounds, the multiple uses of Narcan, the IBS, the lupus, the pain from the knee replacement, etc. - and get your mom into a program IN A HOSPITAL! If she doesn't have money, you need to contact the SW at the hospital and get her onto Medicaid! I am torn between grief and anger for you that you haven't been given any sort of options to HELP mom - not, in essence, to just slap a band-aid on a gaping gunshot wound and send you off on your merry way!

If mom's useless PCP can't/won't give you any sort of assistance or guidance, then the very next time mom takes too much of her pain medicine, you call 911 for an ambulance, you INSIST she be taken to the hospital, and you lay it all on the line there, that mom needs an admission to the detox ward, or similar unit...they will get her weaned off of the pain meds AND treat her wounds and her other symptoms - under a controlled environment!

If mom's health issues aren't brought under control - and I mean control above and beyond *just* pain management - she's never going to be able to break this cycle!

Good luck, and God bless you!
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AnonInNeed, that's exactly what I mean by unfair. The hospital has ducked its responsibility to your mother - your mother the autonomous individual unit - by handing you very basic information and saying "here you go! It's all on you now. Don't let her die, will you."

Your mother remains in control of most of her medication. You (ethically, legally) can't lock it out of reach and ration it. You're just expected to keep your eyes open 24/7 and whack her with the Narcan if she's been in too much pain and taken too many meds (or forgotten, or got confused, or mistaken one for another).

At the risk of sounding three years old again - this is Not Fair.

Who's your mother's lead physician? Because somebody needs to get a grip and work *with* *her* on managing her condition. It's not good enough to let her struggle and expect you to fight the resulting fires.
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AnonInNeed2021 Apr 2021
I am working on finding the social workers number, or at the very least her nurse and she can get it for me.

it’s been hard. My mother believes if I talk to her doctor, the doctor will drop her as a patient. She is prideful and doesn’t want people to know her business, but then it gets extreme like this. She guilt trips me into doing most things, sometimes I rush from work on my lunch to do something for her, fearing she will fall again.

but because of covid, hospitals didn’t want to keep her initially last year.

my apartment doesn’t feel like home anymore and I dread getting off work these days.
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Yes you are wrong for giving Narcan. I'll explain.

You are her son, you are not a caregiver.
You do what you can.
You do not have all the information.
You are unable to discuss her openly with her professional advisers.
You are not in control of her medication.

Here's the thing about Medications Administration - it's all, or nothing.

If your mother were to agree, and if you had the time available, and if you already had a good working relationship with her health care team, then it would be sensible for you to take complete charge of her meds to manage her pain and her conditions safely.

But since that isn't practical, and isn't even on the table as far as your mother's concerned, then it is both inadvisable and unfair for you to take *any* responsibility for your mother's medications - including Narcan.

I'm not suggesting you just leave her to it and let her overdose if she must. Document document document, report report report. Don't go behind her back, make calls in front of her and tell her why.

There are established ways to manage medication, it doesn't matter much which approach is decided on, but somebody - which means your mother and her care team - has to pick one. And the one they pick can't include relying on you to spot when she's overdone it. Refuse the responsibility unless a) you also have your mother's consent to your controlling meds and b) you genuinely do have the time to take it on.
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Countrymouse Apr 2021
PS By unfair, I meant not fair *on* you. Not fair for you to be expected to do it, without the authority and the complete information.
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Anon, reading between the lines, it sounds as though your mom is drug-dependent. Meaning that she has an addiction problem, for whatever reason.

She is manipulating you, the way most addicts do. You need to start out by going to Al Anon or the equivalent.

You are a good child. Your mom needs a lot more help than you can give her at this time.
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Please follow notgoodenough's sound advice. God bless you and allow you to see that your mother needs medical help and you need to be released from this terrible burden you've been saddled with. It's time now.
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Is she now on disability? If so, why is she not on Medicare medical due to this? And, does she also not qualify for Medicaid? I’d consult with an Elder law and disability attorney.
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Dear friend, that’s a terrible story, both for you and for mother. CM has to be right, but I’m not sure if you will feel that it helps. So here’s another approach.

At present, your mother’s life virtually depends on you staying right where you are. If you had a vehicle accident or anything else that put you in hospital, what would happen? Could she find the pain drugs, which I guess you hide? If she did, would she overdose? Could / would she find the Narcan and use it appropriately? Would she die from the overdose? If she couldn’t find the pain drugs, what would she do? Call 911? What would she tell ER? What would they do? If she didn’t find the drugs, what other horrible things might she do? What would you feel about your own 'responsibility' for leaving things like this?

All of this is resting on you, your willingness to sacrifice your life and money, and your availability. You may even be risking the law yourself. The secrecy that you feel is needed is stopping you from getting any outside input. It would be good if you could share some of the responsibility. Does she have a social worker you have some reasonable trust in? Could you ask the social worker to refer you to a psychiatrist (they all have MD degrees) that you could talk to? Preferably one who works with family, and will also take on the ‘privacy’ approach of a counselor. You need help for yourself and your own burdens, as well as for her. Even if you go anonymously, you need more than this site can do to help. Don’t leave it like this. There is no good outcome coming, and she is only 63.

Best wishes and sympathy, Margaret
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Would your mother, in her most lucid moments, accept a time-delay medication device, for her own protection? Does she realize she has OD'd and come close to dying and is she concerned about that? I have a lot of sympathy for anyone in chronic pain. And for you, Anon. It's a very tough situation. I understand feeling broken by it. Hope you get some helpful advice here. (((((hugs)))))
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I am so very sorry that you and your mom are going through this trying time. I grew up with a brother who was addicted to opiates. As you know, it’s a very hard habit to kick.

Addicts think that they can deceive others but that is because they are not rational people.

Protect yourself. Offer rehab to mom but if she isn’t ready, it won’t happen.

Wishing you and your mother all the best.
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Honestly, I am surprised she can get a Dr to prescribe it for her anymore. If she is in the US they will stop. I would try weaning her a little bit at a time and try and get her into a pain clinic
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