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Our mother is in her late 80s and in solid health mentally and physically, financially stable and still drives regularly (short distances). A number of years ago she allowed one of our brothers – who is gainfully employed full-time -- to move in on a temp basis so he could sort out issues. She did not ask him to contribute to the house financially or otherwise, and they didn’t discuss or set a timeframe to move out. The arrangement went on and on and it became obvious several years ago that he had no plans to leave, and while our mother regularly maintains she wants him to get a place, she will not press him on moving out because he gets defensive, but we also think she is worried about where he will end up. There is likely a small part of her that appreciates the company, and at this point it is probably better that she is not alone at night. We are unclear how much she asks him to assist, we cannot get a straight answer out of her, we know he makes no monetary contributions, and it is typical to go there and notice quick projects haven’t been done or a larger job is needed and she is procrastinating or ignoring. We are of the impression she doesn’t ask him to do much in terms of chores or projects and he doesn’t take much initiative. This whole situation was never acceptable to the other siblings, sometimes his occupancy has meant family members couldn't stay over and visit, but as she ages and this arrangement continues, we are resigned to him living there and expect him to proactively take charge of small issues and notify siblings of more significant matters. We are not looking for him to be her caregiver or to quit his job, but we want to know he is keeping an eye on her, taking her to appointments or running errands (sched permitting) and handling simple home maintenance, so that she doesn’t always do these things herself (or not at all), alone, or rely on friends or other children, the latter of whom assist her very regularly in person and/or remotely. We want all siblings to be involved in our mother’s care and home maintenance and feel we have a very valid reason to ask our brother to step up and pull his weight given the accommodations he is being provided. To be clear, his local, FT job is essentially his only obligation, so added responsibilities at our mother’s house shouldn’t be an undue burden given he is at the house when not working and it makes no sense for others to handle some of these matters when he is there and available. We feel to some degree he is a bit oblivious to her needs and home maintenance, but on the other hand, our mother enables the behavior and rarely asks him to do anything. If communicated in the right manner, he would likely assist more than he does now, we just need to find the right balance between making him feel needed and letting him know he has no choice. How do we delicately broach the topic with both or either of them on these issues without her getting offended that she isn’t capable, or telling us not to upset him and him getting defensive relative to expectations?

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So if you asked brother to step it up and help a little around the house all hell would break loose!? Why so timid with this guy. I understand that you don’t want a family feud/nightmare but he can’t be bothered to change a lightbulb? Is he mentally impaired in some way? Is he incapable of screwing in a lightbulb?

Im 66 year old man. Spent my life fixing stuff, taking care of parents house, my house, friends houses, everybody’s cars, you name it. I’m not a hero just a typical blue collar guy who works his hands. All the men I know are pretty much like me so this really seems odd to me that dear brother seems to feel he lives in a motel.

I truly sympathize with your situation, just trying to understand.
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MEP1965 Jan 2021
He has never been a SF homeowner but he is certainly skilled enough for many tasks, so it baffling that easy and obvious tasks (for him) dont get done. When i walk in and a smoke alarm battery is beeping and i ask my mother why it he hasnt replaced it...she says because she didnt ask him to... as if he needs to be asked. He can have a short fuse and we try not to get him annoyed because it can make our mother uncomfortable and she wants -- and deserves -- peace in her home. She doesnt press him because of his fuse but also because she is independent and wants to and is still capable of doing many tasks, but is also not totally realistic about her capabilities anymore. It is getting to the point where he needs to be more aware of his surroundings, what is takes to run a house and be more involved either proactively or reactively to take some of the load off my mother and/or address things that she doesnt notice or has no intention or ability to handle. Sometimes in the past we have asked him to assist and the conversation goes downhill and he gets combative. After that our mother tells us to back off. There are also times i am over there working on a project and I ask for assistance and he is very helpful. Recently my sisters asked me to go over and handle something and i said i would offer but thought my bro could and should handle because he would be home (so why do we need 3 adults present?) and i spoke to my mother and they both dealt with it no problem and it saved me from sitting there for several hours. I am looking at that recent positive experience as an opening to figure out a way to get him to be more embedded in her life and simple house chores and upkeep since he is on site, for her to realize she cant and shouldnt do it all and start asking him for help.
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"We want all siblings to be involved in our mother’s care and home maintenance"

I get that. But each will choose for themselves what they can/will do.

"How do we delicately broach the topic with both or either of them".

Honesty is your best policy. Be polite but direct. Tip toeing around can be exhausting.

My family has 'hinters'. They drop hints & wait.. but don't clearly ask so it's hard to work out if it's an actual request or not. I suppose they are trying to be polite but it just causes confusion instead.

My Aunt on the other hand, says it like it is. Her kids are asked directly if they can or can't & they answer yes or no. We all need more of that!
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You ought to imo, shut up and be grateful. If you persist in feeling more must be done then it would be up to your mother and brother to consult with an elder law attorney and create a caregiver agreement which would spell out what the expectations were for him AND his compensation arrangements (room, board?) The burden of caregiving on site for whatever hours he is present cannot be stressed enough. It's like working 24/7, because it is. You're on call, always aware, alert and he probably assists in other ways you may deem petty. I'm here to say as that person, it takes a toll, sometimes unseen. Don't underestimate that. How many times on this forum have we heard from children doing the bulk of it while the siblings are otherwise out of town, with no sense of obligation or doing any of the labor that be of help? Do I sound angry? Sorry. I am the one who stayed put. I didn't mind. I believed my parents had done much for me and although living here rent free, I pay for much of what I use including food. Up until a few months ago, I cooked, cleaned, advocated, scheduled, bill payed (I'm also POA by choice). And then the unexpected happened: One Sunday late in September I became weak. Just didn't feel good. Friend came over and we called the rescue squad who took me to the local hospital where I was transported by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic and treated surgically for a dissected aorta. Seems they don't really know why these happen all the time but until then I was healthy or so I thought. I just got off the phone with a nurse who works with the surgeon who told me for the first time that when I was brought in how critical I was and they basically resusitated me. Sorry for spelling air, not usually a word in my daily vocabulary....So I am angry. I gave it my all and nearly died, and didn't think what I was doing was THAT big a deal. But it all takes a toll and there is no Easy-pass for that. So, as I said, be grateful of your brother's needs so that he is there to pay the debt by keeping watch. You are very lucky. Pray for your brothers well-being and health.
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He provides at the very least companionship and overnight supervision. You might want to look at this as services that have some value rather than involving no monetary contribution. Does your mother have an advanced healthcare directive and poa in place?
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MEP1965 Jan 2021
I did mention it is probably better that she isn't alone at night, and we have begrudgingly come around to admit there is a benefit to there being another adult in the house part time. I realize we have champagne problems compared to most people posting...our mother is still in good health, one child lives with her and there are several other children who regularly assist. The issue is the child that lives with her does so for his benefit, and any gain she or the rest of us derives is completely secondary and limited to him being physically there but not actively engaged in any useful activity. While we arent looking for him to be beholden to her any time he isnt at work, he should be ensuring that his residency isnt making any more work for her (which it does with laundry, cooking and cleaning) and that he is doing more than just being "present" to assist. For example, he should be changing light bulbs and smoke alarm batteries when needed and these simple tasks arent getting done. One of the appliances was malfunctioning and needed to be replaced. He could have taken her to the store to purchase a new one but didnt want to get involved. Lights arent working and need rewiring, carpet on stairs is threadbare and needs replacing -- these are safety issues -- offer to call an electrician or take our mother to look at carpet. My other siblings and I worked with our mother to renovate a bathroom to make it handicapped accessible and to bring other parts of the house up to code, shopped for the new appliances, annually help her purge mail, clean closets, garden, streamlined bill paying, direct deposit (to limit trips to bank and PO), etc....and yet we think our mother takes out the garbage, does all the food shopping and relies on neighbors to clear her driveway when it snows....basic things he can be handling as a resident of the house.
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My advice is to know what you can control, and what you cannot; that you cannot change others, your bro or your Mom. You cannot MAKE others do things. And developing an adversarial relationship with this brother would be utterly dreadful for all involved.
Also, your mother is in charge of her own life. You have said your Mom is likely glad to have the company there. I would think his being there is a comfort to her at her age.
Please don't start a sibling war. Why not just get all siblings together ALONG WITH MOM and ask her, "What can we all do for you to make you feel more secure and safe, Mom?" We know you may need help with shopping, appointments, now and in future and we all want to be here for your support. And then go on about how "_________living with you now must be a comfort in terms of home safety. But what can we all do to divvy up some chores".
Help your brother and your Mom instead of causing problems about his free rent.
Again, your Mom's life; and while she CAN make choices, she should.
I am 78. Lo the child that comes to me and tells me who can live in my home, and under what circumstances. Or the child who tries to interfere in my decision making while I am capable of making decisions. We lose enough, and if we live long enough we lose EVERYTHING, including the memories that make us who we are.
Band together now in LOVE and cooperation, would be my advice to you all.
And by the way, "letting him know he has no choice?" Ummmmmm. He does. He has a choice, if you approach him as an adversary, to blow you off completely. It is not your home. It is not your decision. You don't make the rules. Sorry if I sound harsh, but as a nurse I often saw children make it so awful for their parents over these issues that the poor parent was left to weep to ME, a nurse who could do nothing to save them as siblings warred, sometimes literally over their very beds. It is dreadful for a fragile elder to witness this at the end of their lives. And it had a dreadful and lasting effect on how I feel when siblings clash. I am trying to prevent that for all of you. It will do awful harm to someone you love and are trying to protect.
Now, clearly I could be missing something. There was a sentence there about possible "fear" in your mother regarding asking your bro when he plans to move out. I don't know your brother; but I suggest you other siblings get to know him well; be there with groceries and casseroles and support so you can fully assess if there is any fear there.
Sure do wish you good luck.
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Twithdogs Jan 2021
Excellent advice. May suggest that the family hire a "handyman" to stop by every few weeks (after family writes up a list if items to be done) to fix what needs to be done. Assuming that there are no major problems, a hundred dollars a month would probably be the charge. That way, you can stop discussing what your brother is not doing and enjoy the time with your mom. I honestly wish I had sibling who had been there at night with my mom. You don't realize that this is actually a gift in disguise. Let the stupid little stuff go. Enjoy your mom.
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Gosh I feel for you there. I am not in this situation, but maybe my advice would be to have a family meeting - maybe without your mother.

I wouldn't bring up the monetary elephant in the room during the first meeting. That way he won't close up automatically. Maybe start with a "We don't want you to feel burdened as the only caregiver here. We want to know what you see, how we can help. " Let him lay out the tasks that he does and then you can be like "who takes mom to do this? Can we help with that?" Hopefully, he will see this as an eye-opening meeting and decide to step up or step out. It also will help you all maintain your boundaries with who's in charge of taking mom to the store, who's in charge of taking mom to doctor's appointments, who's in charge of maintaining the lawn, etc.
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MEP1965 Jan 2021
Yes...we all try to avoid the monetary aspect when speaking to him because it results in him shutting down instantly, but its also a very significant driver in why he should be stepping up. Have to walk a very fine line so as not to set him off or alienate him. I think the "we want to know what you see" angle will make him feel like he has the inside track and is able to tell us where and how she needs help and make him feel more embedded in the care process. THX
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Either accept the situation as is - that your brother is a momma's boy and your mother likes it that way - or make different choices as to what you do. Maybe stopping will force the issue (or not) but a few times of hearing "Sorry, mom, I'm busy. Ask Johnny boy to do it" may spur your mother into telling her son to get off his behind and start helping.
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MEP1965 Jan 2021
My sisters recently asked me to go over and help with something (i am nearby and they are not). I indicated our bro would be around and he could handle....we didnt need three adults. They disagreed but i spoke to our mother and (texted) our bro and they both assured me they could handle and they did no problem. Saved me several hours on my week off and now i am looking to parlay this recent positive experience into our mother accepting more assistance and it coming from our bro.
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Sounds like what you’re saying without saying it is that your brother has mental health issues, everyone tiptoes around him, and he and your mom have an unhealthy dynamic between the two of them. Take away the living with each other part and you’d find a very similar situation we long had in our family. I have a brother who’s not well in any way. He does hold down a job but is unliked there. Our family has been unconsciously trained for years to tiptoe around his temper and frequent meanness. He and my dad had a warped dynamic, he often took from my dad but was openly resentful of being asked to help out. My dad defended him most all the time though we could tell he knew the truth of it. I think dad felt some misplaced guilt that his son wasn’t mentally well. It’s likely if your scenario is similar to mine that your brother is waiting out inheritance. I hope he’s not POA, executor of her will, or having access to mom’s money now. I get that his presence is helpful but it’s also feeding the illusion, along with all this family help, of your mother’s independence. Nothing wrong with that while it’s sustainable, it’s just hard to keep up as issues advance, especially when the one there won’t budge on helping. I know the walking on eggshells feeling, sorry you’re in the position.
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I'd say DO tiptoe a little around this issue.

We had a family 'conference' about 5 years about getting mother some 'in home' help--she had agreed to it (she lives with YB who still has 4 adult kids living at home--not a real healthy dynamic, to be honest)...

All us sibs met and tried to have a conversation with YB about mom's health (he is VERY protective--to an unhealthy degree) and what could we do to help. Her place is not clean or hygienic, she will not allow anyone to clean and she doesn't see well enough to get that she needs to let us or someone get in there and clean deeply and minimally get rid of the bird mess and the dog pee and--years of thick dust...on everything.

I did not see the BLOWUP coming that YB had. I mean, he went ballistic on me. Screamed and ended up crying--so our concerns that he was overwhelmed were supported...BUT, in the end, he agreed to ZERO outside help, even though mother wanted it.

Yes, he's mentally ill, but we realized we cannot help him. He put the kibosh on everything and so we (the other 4 sibs) backed down and let him know we'd do anything and to please stop trying to be a martyr about mother's care. None of the rest of us would have taken her in, he has done a good job but is burnt out.

He is SO ANGRY if one of us tries to 'help' mother. I do not know what sick dynamic pushes him to be so weird about her.

The other sibs and I quietly agreed to sit back and let him run the show, It was not worth the drama to 'help'.

YB doesn't know he stands to 'inherit' exactly the same amount as the other 4 of us--less than $10K a piece, which frankly, pretty much nothing.

"walking on eggshells" perfectly describes how we feel about him. He's definitely NOT doing for mom what she needs, but she complains and we remind her she has to work things through HIM, we are powerless.
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Co-Dependent Relationship - your mother invited him to
move in without a time limit or setting expectations of any kind. She wants him there or she would ask him to leave or ask for help on this issue. My brother lived with my mother until his late 50’s .. make no mistake, it’s a trap. When my brother finally moved, he went to live with his daughter. My mother then invited me to move in, I told her thanks but no thanks. It’s very easy to live free with little or no living expenses in exchange for providing company to a lonely senior. As a sibling of this situation, it is annoying as it appears your mother is being taken advantage of, yet she set up this living arrangement. Your brother has become complacent, enjoying having all his income without any cost of living. I wasted too much time & effort trying to get my brother to move out of my mother’s house for his sake & hers. My mother defended him saying he was taking care of her when in reality, she was taking care of him. Again, co-dependent relationship.
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