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My grandmother is completely unruly. In her younger years, she was abusive, and violent. The object of her aggression was always my mother, but since then, they had buried the hatchet...or so we thought.
2 years ago, my grandmother had broken her hip and gotten C-DIF. My mother helped her, got her therapy, cooked for her, cleaned for her, until she got better. Problem is that she still isn't better. We have taken her to Doctors, Neurologists, had blood work done, MRI's, Catscan's, Physical Therapy, etc...She refuses to help herself. The physical theraist actually quit because he saw such great progress when working with her, then caught her "faking it", when other people came into the room. She literally acted like she couldn't walk, yet when it was just her and the therapist, she was walking over hurdles. Every morning it is a fight to get her to take a shower. When we get her in there, and we leave her unattended, she only lets the water hit her, and usually lets the shower run and gets out and sits on the toilet until we come back in. She refuses to change her adult diapers. She urinates in them until they leak all over her clothes, and onto furniture. Sometimes she defecates in them. When she does that, she locks herself in the bathroom and tries to hide it. Obviously we find out, and when confronted she says, "It isn't that much," or "I don't know who did that." Recently, after she defecated all over the bathroom, I had gotten upset and hollered at her. "Why would you put your hand in a dirty diaper and touch everything around you!" She smiled at me and told me to clean it. I told her she was crazy and if it was so funny, she can clean it herself. She then attempted to swing punch me in the face, missed and instead made 2 claw marks on my face from the start of my jawline, to my chin. In doing so, she almost fell backwards. I grabbed her so she didn't fall, and began to dig her nails into my wrists until she broke the skin. All the while she said, "You'll see. You'll see." I immediately called my mother, uncle and her sister to help me. When she saw my uncle he asked her, "What are you going to do if we call the police on you?" She said, "That will be fine. I will just say she hit me first and they will believe me because I am old." When her sister walked into the room, unaware that she was eavesdropping by the door, my grandmother began acting confused and said, "Oh. What are you doing here. I don't know what is going on? Are you gonna take me home."
If I didn't know any better, I would think she was doing this on purpose. She also refuses to eat unless she is served. She tells others that she can't get to the food. She can't reach. She cant work the stove or the microwave. Meanwhile, just last week, when her son (the Golden Child) arived for a visit, she got up, went into the fridge and started cooking him pasta and shrimp. Here is the kicker, SHE IS ONLY 78. HELP!!!!

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Thank you to all who posted here. It's nice to have a constructive outlet where I can learn from others who have dealt with or have experiences similar to mine.
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@cota4kids He was a vet and I will look into that. Not sure if she qualifies though since they got divorced and he got remarried. But Thank you. If it works like a pension, then she may be able to collect. @keithsmom He has plenty of help. We ask her in half hour to 45 minute intervals if she needs to use the bathroom. She lies. Just yesterday the other aid asked her to come and try to use the bathroom. She fought with her but eventually got up. My grandmother literally got to the toilet, pulled down an already wet diaper, sat on the toilet and would not pee. After about 10 mins the aid took her wet diaper off (it was still by her ankles) and got her a fresh one. While pantless (and diaperless), right in front of the aid, she stood up and started to pee standing up! We cook for her. Clean for her. Help her get dressed. I watch TV with her, read to her and do crossword puzzles with her. We do physical therapy with her, and have her help us maybe fold some laundry just to keep her moving and active. But even at that, it isn't every day or every week, We kind of just ask if she wants to help and she does what she wants. Her only chore is to tell us when she needs to use the bathroom/get up and use the bathroom or ask for help getting there and sleep in her bed instead of a chair. @kathyt1 - got the nanny cam. Read my response to jmcgrath on what happened. @daughteralone why is that your name? Look how many people here are reaching out to help me including yourself. You aren't alone sweetie. But thank you and yes, we are looking into further medical assistance. @chicago1954 Nice to see things worked out for you. Thank you for the info. @jennym got the cam last week. read my response to jmcgrath. @orangeblossom I explained earlier the nursing home/medicare issue. In a nutshell she can't get full coverage and we can't supplement. She did have an infection! The urinalysis came back positive. We gave her antibiotics and it went away. BUT...she continued her behavior and continued being unclean with her body and judging by the smell of her urine, the infection is returning/returned. ONLY NOW...we can't give her antibiotics! We need to wait since she was just on the antibiotics and we can't give her too many of those. She has a predisposition for something called C-Diff. Look it up...It is highly contagious and very nasty. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. She has had it 3 times in 3 years due to antibiotics. Last time she nearly died due to hypovolemia which has something to do with her blood plasma. So we must be EXTREMELY CAREFUL with what she takes and the doses she takes. She is literally harming herself out of what seems to be spite. @Carolynn Got the cam. Got plenty of footage too. Hopefully it will not be for naught.
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You certainly have your hands full - I cannot add much more than what others have already contributed. Somebody suggested you look into Veterans assistance. If your Grandfather was a Vet, there could be financial or custodial/housing options available to your Grandmother/his spouse, independent of or in addition to Medicaid. Yes more paperwork, but worth the inquiries. As for the incontinence issues, there is a thread on this site regarding "poop" issues - funny/sad/gross, but very helpful. Blessings to you and your family.
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@jmcgrath Very helpful information. Thank you. Unfortunately her lucidity is 98% of the time. I can see where she as what we call, "a senior moment" and never fault her for it. But I have plenty of evidence that what she is doing is when she is in her right mind. Example: We put a nanny cam in her room last week. I went in and told her to come to the bathroom to check/change the diaper. Then I went to prepare her lunch. She joined me a few minutes later, and I asked her if she changed to which she said yes. When I looked back at the video feed, she got up. went into the bathroom. Went back into her room with a roll of toilet paper. Proceeded to roll the paper arund her hand. Shoved the wad of towel between her legs. Placed the roll of paper under the blanket on her chair. Then joined me in the dining room. When I checked the wastebasket that I had emptied prior to telling to to enter, I found a brand new, unused diaper in it. When I caught her, the diaper she had on was completely soaked thru to her pants. We just don't have the money for care. Her money because prior to my mother getting power of attorney was slowly siphoned out by her "golden child" son. Medicare has a 5 year look back period and when they saw the frequency of withdrawals and the amounts, they flagged her. They can still take her, but we would have to supplement and we don't have it. So now it is a waiting process. 3 years have gone by. 2 years of which living with my mother and her records are clean. But before she is eligible for full coverage again, we need her banking to be clear another 2 years. The info you provided however may help. The system is working against us at this point. Maybe we need to use the system against itself.
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Thank you all for your posts...@ crispycritter we are looing to get her psychiatric treatment. We have weened her off of the meds that weren't mixing well and as a result she has gotten worse. Now I need to find a geriatric psychiatrist who specializes in elderly mental health. @vstephans we told her if the behavior doesn't change we will send her to a nursing home. She said she didn't want to go but continues the bahavior. I am documenting everything thru pictures, and video of her speaking to others telling others that she does it because, "it is easier than getting up. Sometimes it is neglect. Sometimes I am just lazy." @cmagnum She does live with my mother who is 57. I stepped in after my mother had a couple episodes. She has diabetes and high blood pressure. Her sugars were getting out of whack and her blood pressure at one point was 204/130....that is literally borderline stroke. I just don't want to lose my mom because of this hateful woman. I can't even call her my grandmother anymore. @JessieBelle It is sadistic. Unfortunately finances are an issue. We are trying to get Community Medicare which will give us a home nurse for at least 10 hours a day which will help, but we are drowning in paperwork. So it is a process. @AlisonBoBalison Sounds like your dad is cut from the same cloth. We have spoken to Dr.'s. They keep saying she is fine. "She is just getting old" That is BULLS**t to me. Finally I chenged every Dr. she was seeing bt didn't tell her what the Dr.s individually were for. She had to go in completely blind. 3 dr's - 2 general practitioners, a neurologist, and even her foot dr all came back with the same answer, "She needs therapy." So that is next on the list.
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She IS doing it on purpose. Like my Ma' your grandmother seeks out CONTROL by any means necessary. I too have a 'golden child' to contend with. I call him her "little g-god". He has done nothing, nothing. Actually it is disgusting to watch.
Get away, refresh yourself. You are not called to die on the vine; while helping others, especially those that do not want your help.
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ADULT DAY CARE for her (they pick-up and drop-off)
RESPITE for you ... a program that gives caregivers a break for the madness
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I have also suggested nanny cams before in other circumstances and this situation seems like the perfect time to use one. Gma could get you in a lot of trouble, on the one hand intentionally and on the other hand not meaning to because she doesn't understand the difference. I believe she is in a stage they call ego-centric.

With a nanny cam, you set it up so she doesn't know she's being recorded, she thinks it's just the two of you alone and you can have a conversation with her that you miss this behavior. So now you have proof of her behavior that you can show to family, to doctors, to Adult Protective Services or to police as required.

Then, as already suggested, the very next time after that her behavior excelerates to unacceptable, its 911, to the hospital for physical and psych evaluation and do not accept your back into your home, with peace of mind for you that you have proof to keep her from your home with cause.

No when and your family including your very own mother is doing what they are to do to protect you. As difficult as it is, you're going to have to protect yourself. Once Gma is properly placed in a facility adequate for her needs, evaluated by professionals, not by you, you can continue visiting her and managing her case. Believe me, there is enough to do to manage someone in an outsourced living situation without the physical demands required of 24 /7 caretaking.
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Dear Brnt: First, who has legal and medical authority over your Gma? If it is you, you call the shots - no questions. If it is your Mom, I would turn her over to her and tell her to deal with your Gma. Secondly, you are so young - why should you be tying up your life with this (self-imposed?) responsibility. Third, why are you so opposed to a NH facility? Your Gma is clearly demented, whether due to age, drug interaction, undetected infection (like UTI), not receiving the right medications, who knows! This is a huge burden for you to deal with. I understand you love her, but sometimes the best love is getting her the 24/7 care by professionals that can deal with every situation that arises. Stop putting yourself in jeopardy with her. Sooner or later someone will get seriously hurt or worse. Next time the situation escalates, call 911 and your Gma will get physical and psch eval before they make a diagnosis, and you could always refuse to take her home due to your concerns for your physical safety.
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Sounds like you need to videotape her acting out for evidence and then get legal help to have her put in an appropriate facility.
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I tried and tried to get my sisters to quit coddling my mother. She was doing the wetting in the chair and diarrhea, thing too.

Here is what happened. My sister died. An outside person eventually called 911 and Mother was admitted to the hospital, then rehab and now a NH. It has all been fine, since I stayed out of it and got other family members to stay out of it. Mother is quite competent 90 % of the time. She can turn it on for the doctors, too.

But, the NH has been fine. They keep her clean and fed and entertained.

You need to help yourself and quit being drawn into this mess that your grandmother created, herself.
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I think you need to speak with a social worker at a mental health clinic that deals with family problems. Your grandmother seems to have a history of emotional/mental problems and is acting out. She may need medication to control her behavior. You really need to get professional help for this situation as it seems to be out of control at this point.
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Get a nanny cam. Film her, then find a good therapist who will advise you how to handle her, and keep you sane.
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I think you are expecting her to do too much on her own, she is at the time in her life that she needs help with her daily living activities. You might consider contacting your local Area on Aging, there are all sorts of help they provide. They will come and do an assessment for you.
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Why are you stuck being the primary caregiver? Some of her behavior can be blamed on the dementia; however, it sounds like your grandmother has gotten away with manipulating people her entire life, and continues to do so. She learned early on that poor behavior gives her the attention she craves.

Oh, and don't leave her to take her shower on her own. Get a hand-held shower head and hose her down herself. If you don't want to do it, then TELL your mother it is HER responsibility to make sure her own mother is clean and you really don't care when that happens. Figure out what you can offload others and delegate, delegate, delegate whatever you can.

JessieBelle said it best - "you are as important as she is". That is something we all seem to forget as caregivers.
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Was her husband a veteran? If so, she may qualify for survivors benefits. My aunt gets 10 hrs per week ... Not much but it helps. I would put in an application for her for senior housing and let the aides go there and care for her. Do you have POA? If she refuses then find a nursing home for her. This will harm you mentally and physically, before it harms you.
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There are assisted livings that have dementia units. They take people with incontinence and do the care like a nursing home. It costs more. Why are you so opposed to a nursing home? Some are very good and it sounds like it would be the best situation. Mild dementia can come with periods of lucidity. And yes they try to hold it together better around doctors and strangers. They only have to maintain for an hour or so and it makes you look like you are exagerating. I doubt she is incontinent for attention. The advice you are getting about treating her poorly or threatening her won't work and is only going to cause her to act out more. You really do need to decide what setting is best. Unfortunately, with dementia this is only going to get worse. If her edema is such that she could use a hospital stay, and stays for 3 nights, she could get placed in a "rehab" nursing facility. You can choose not to take her home at that point and the facility needs to keep her or find her a safe place to stay. I know that is working the system, but sometimes it is what you have to do. Talk to a an elder law attorney about your options. This situation is coming to a head and sounds like it could end in abuse on either or both your parts. Ask her doctor about a psyche admission. The hospitals have geri-psyche facilities attached to them. They specialize in exactly this kind of behavior. EMPHASIZE to the MD that she does get abusive physically with care and that you are afraid of where this is leading. Let the professionals decide what level of care she needs and what help!! If he/she understands what level of difficulty you are really having, they will act. Also, if she does hit or hurt you, you can call an ambulance and have her transported to the ER for psyche issues. When you call 911 you say she is acting psychotic and has hurt someone. This doesn't get her arrested, it gets her to a specialist immediately at a hospital. Most people don't know that. However, you do it, you need her in a safe setting and evaluated.
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Can you, at this stage of things, take GM into PCP or psych for evaluation and come out with some meds... namely, sedatives/tranquilizer type meds... for now. You will have to figure out the "long term" because at 78, your GM can live 20+ more years.

My father is also a charmer to his doctors. Its frustrating to me to see him take no accountability/responsibility for his hateful actions, his lack of self care... and then go into doctors' appointment and it seems like he is SUCH a good guy... lol... I can completely relate to this one. But maybe talking to doctor before or after appointment, away from GM, and explaining your side of the story... and like I said, getting her some medication that will drastically calm her and reduce the chaos she is causing.

This is what came to my mind after reading your post. I certainly wish you the best in dealing with the situation. Good luck!
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You wrote that your grandmother was abusive when she was younger. The behavior you describe in her now sounds sadistic to me. I do not know what she seeks to gain by hurting you emotionally and physically, but often there is no real logic to a sadistic personality other than gaining some satisfaction at the pain they cause.

In your situation I would be heading for the door. If it is sadism, her behavior will not change. There is no reason that you have to put up with being used and tormented.

If you think it is dementia instead, insist she see someone about it. If she is unwilling to work with you to make life tolerable, you aren't obligated to continue to be her caregiver anymore. You are as important as she is.
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Sounds to me that you are getting used. If I were you, I'd tell mom to take of her mom and get her out of your house.
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Medical checkup to rule out infection or anything else causing her to act worse. Decrease the attention bad behavior gets in any way you can...though they are not totally in control of themselves, but may still respond some to firm limits on what is acceptable and not. As cruel as it may seem, providing some indication that just doing whatever they please and making no attempt at self control will have consequences they do not want, whether it is being ignored for at least short periods, or cared for in a detached, emotionless way when they are not civil. The phenomenon of elders who are in out-of-home placements being "nicer" when they are not visited daily no matter what is well known and reflects this a little, as the caregiver response can't just be totally taken for granted/ taken advantage of in the same way.

In your case, the incontinence could be a way of keeping herself out of assisted living. If she gains control of it, you could more easily send her away. She lacks the judgement, empathy, or insight to grasp that you could record her statements and behaviors to show to a doctor or insist on geropsychiatric eval and placement; she is back to very simply doing what will get her what she thinks she wants at the moment rather tha what makes sense in the situation for the whole family.
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Here goes ... it seems to me that if she has dementia it is only mild. She is apparently cognizant enough to get herself out of any situation that she doesn't like based on the information in your post. That she threatened you concerning a call to the police says she has enough of her faculties to deliberately try to cause you harm.

Not knowing how or why she came to live with you, it definitely sounds like she is taking advantage of a good, kind person. The clawing, scratching is dangerous for you.

While I'm all for helping the helpless, this woman does not sound helpless. She is doing the things she is doing because she's getting away with it and apparently has most of her life. The feces thing is demented. This may sound harsh to some but I would tell her that if she doesn't straighten up and cooperate with you including toileting that she will be institutionalized and follow through if she fails to comply. If your family doesn't want to support you, then you should tell them to take her off your hands. I really don't think that you should subject yourself or your household to that kind of abuse. You should print out your post and show it to the doctor, maybe he can recommend a psychiatrist.
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@dreyfuss - We do have one. 5 days a week in addition to myself. She treats this poor girl worse than me on some days! But it is still the same story. Once the caregiver started telling her the same lessons - Take a shower - Change your diaper - Elevate your legs- etc....she tells her, "You're just like them." UGH! This is heartbreaking.
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Unfortunately money is an issue. We have another aide that helps out a few days a week. We did place her in a rehab, figuring that maybe if she could get around easier that it would improve the situaton. She got herself kicked out. She was turned down from assisted living because of the defacation and urination problem. The assistants where we inquired said that they were there to help cook and clean and keep her company, etc. They said that they could help her get to the bathroom but would not be responsible for changing her diapers or cleaning fecal matter. They recommended a live in nurse. The major problem here is that when she goes to the Dr. she is a different person. She is lucid. Conversational. Pleasant and almost sweet. She is developing pitting edema in her legs from lack of movement. She refuses to do the exercises that the physical therapist gave her. Refuses to elevate her legs and refuses to sleep in her bed. When we try to get her to do it, she becomes violent, abusive, or completely unresponsive. How can you make someone want to try?
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It sounds like she does have early dementia along with a behavior issue. Getting angry and yelling at her will never EVER help the situation. If you can no longer care for her at home, there are several options. Of course a lot of this does depend on finances. High end - assisted living facility that has a dementia floor. - They have their own "apartment" but without a working stove. They are attended by aides as much as needed for cleanliness eating etc but have some privacy too. This is much less cost than private pay for a nursing home and is usually in a smaller setting and much more home like. A hired caregiver for blocks of time at home to help with the care - Adult foster care if she is income eligible. this will give finances, nursing and case management support to the designated caregiver in the home. Caregiver Homes is a good one. They can also try to match her with a non family caregiver in your community to go live with. Again in a home in the community but not your headache when it comes to care. Rest homes and nursing homes are also options. It sounds like you desperately need some help. Also let her MD know about the aggression and problems. He may prescribe something that will help her not be so angry and anxious. Hope this helps!
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Have you considered a part time caregiver? My parents would never go into a nursing home. They love the caregiver and listen to her. You are fighting a losing battle with your grandmother and you could end up in a mental hospital.
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Let me add that she also refuses to sleep i her bed, sleeps in her chair, which, although we clean it after every accident, but at least once a week, gets put outside and gets hosed and squeezed out. When we do this, it smells like a dog kennel outside.
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