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She will just give it to her daughter who offers no help of any kind. She is a financial burden to her son and myself and I am beginning to resent all that I do for her because she gets ugly about contributing. Between extreme spending and giving to her daughter and and grandson she ran through every cent her parents left her plus mortgaged the free and clear home they left her. THe daughter helps with NOTHING. My husband and I can not even have an evening out to dinner alone! After being diagnosed with dementia six months ago and being totally broke except for her ssi her son moved her in with us. It is a financial strain on us and I feel she should be contributing. Where can you live for free?

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Who has financial POA? If you don't, that should be done sooner than later especially with the dementia diagnosis. I'm having difficulty understanding how her son moved her in with you two. Was this done without your permission? Yes, she should be contributing if it causing financial strain. Get POA and control of her finances. You and your husband need a serious sit down together so that you are on the same page about this or else it will affect your relationship if it hasn't already. Perhaps you can qualify her for medicaid and move her ALF.
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Your request is reasonable, however I doubt if her son will ask her for it. This is one of those cases where you have to let them work it out on their own. I don't position myself between my husband and mother, EVER. Nor would I tolerate her getting between my husband and I. The one in the middle always loses if they kick up a fuss.
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What a mess! Tell the sister that she can take her mother and her money whatever it is and take care of her herself. If not, then the mother will give all of it to you for living expenses. Seems real simple to me. If the mother in law doesn't like it tell her to find other arrangements. It's called tough love. Do it now.
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Does your MIL receive the maximum amount of SSI (Supplemental Security Income - not the same as SS or SSDI)? If so, she should be paying her full share of housing, food and basic utilities (1/3 if there are 3 of you in the household) according to the SSI rules. If not, you are considered to be providing her with partial support and her SSI benefits would be reduced. It's in her best interest to be honest because if she's not paying her full share of household expenses and SS finds out, she might have to repay some of the benefits she received.
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Unless so rich you don't even notice she's costing anything to keep, she should be paying her fair share of the household bills anyway - it doesn't have to be causing you and your husband actual financial hardship. Not least, it is a matter of her self-respect as a functioning human being: no one wants to be a parasite.

If you and your husband are planning to provide her with a home and care in the long-term, you must make provision NOW, before she loses capacity, to take responsibility for her income and outgoings (through a POA, if possible) - otherwise there will be a world of trouble and stress ahead.

How is your brother's relationship with his sister? If she is unthinking, rather than intentionally exploitative, perhaps he can get her to concentrate on their mother's welfare and co-operate: it would make setting up POA much easier.
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My parents moved in with us suddenly and my husband also had to come on board, but after some adjustment he has been great. My parents pay the electric and cable TV, as those bills went up alot when the moved in (they kee[ the heat on high and we had to have 2 TV's installed ) They also pay almost all the food bills and Costco bills, as well as gas for my truck as I drive them everywhere. We pay the rest, as they were our normal bills. After we get this years taxes done for everyone and talk to the tax preparer, we may readjust, but this is working for us now.
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If your husband won't take responsibility for his mother's financial affairs someone needs too or you will blow your top and that would not be good for anyone. Having a hissy fit because she does not want to pay her bills is unacceptable. can you talk to her daughter? Work out just how much extra it is costing you to keep her. Compare utility bills month for same month a year ago and if it's up she pays the extra. property taxes you would be paying anyway. She should pay for a third of the food and cleaning supplies. all her personal expenses are hers. when she asks for something ask for the money before you go out. If she is with you ask if the money is in her purse before it goes in your cart. When she goes to the Dr she comes up with the co-pay at registration. she will soon get the idea but don't expect her to be pleased about it. tell your husband what you intend to do first. what she did with her money in the past is unfortunate but it is water under the bridge. If she applies for Medicaid she will have to account for it and may be refused
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Yes it was with my consent to move his Mother in.....it was obvious she needed she was no longer capable to live alone. My husband has DPOA and no, it is not a case of sister just not thinking. She does not care and refuses to be bothered, now that her Mother has no money left to hand out ot her. MIL gets ugly and pouts when the subject of her contributing is brought up. She has always been a spoiled brat and raised her son to feel responcible for her since her and his father divorced when he was six , he was supposed to be the man of the house. He was 29 before he finnally was able to turn lose and marry. We have always done everything from mowing her grass to changing light bulbs for her. His grand father actually disowned him because he would not leave me, move back home and take care of moma. She is only 73 but you would think she is 85. She has always been an old soul. But recently diagnosed with dimentia. I care for her and treat her as I would my Mother were she alive, even though I don't like her. She is stingy,lazy and resentful of her son and my marraige of 23 years. Bad situation all the way around. I do not forsee him ever putting her in a NH, but I certainly feel she should pay her way. It would cost her a fortune just for the personal care I give her,baths, hair and nails,laundry and all meals prepared for her of which she offers me NOTHING ,but will buy her daughter who wont even come and see her anything she asks for. But I am insisting that she pay a 1/3 of household exp.He wrote himself a check last month, but didnt tell her, which I think he should ou Are going to contibute !
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Make sure everything is itemized and documented
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sadly, this situation started way back when your husband was a child and mother has been manipulating him and basically pulling the string and having it her way ever since. And he has let her. Don't forget he has responsibility in this as well. There is something called "setting boundaries" and your husband basically hasn't got any. There is are several great books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend on setting boundaries. I suggest you get the one called "Setting Boundaries, when to say yes and when to say No" and both you and your husband read it and have a frank discussion over this situation and how to handle it. For him to write a check, but not to be forthright about it tells me he is afraid or intimidated by her. She has figured out how to always get her way by pouting and manipulating and it's worked for her, so why not keep on doing it. She will not change btw. It's up to him and you to change the way you respond to her and she will get the picture. As Dr. Phil says, "you teach people how to treat you". If you can not get hubby to go along, see a counselor yourself and then drag him along. The money spent would be worth it. He has POA, he tells her she WILL be contributing or can move out and in with the sister. Then he tells her how much and monthly has that amount automatically transferred into your account. Yes it is tough love, but you need to realize you are worth it.
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